I think it's time to end it

[Anonymous]

The older we get - the more set in our ways we become.

Plus we also become homebodies as well.

I am your age ➕ even if I had a boyfriend, I would not want to give up my alone “me time” at home.
I enjoy time to myself to read or watch my shows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd end it. You're hurting him if you feel that way. At 60 he's not totally over the hill and might have a chance of finding a better life partner if you end it now.

She on the other hand, at 54, is unlikely to find one.

Did you read the OP? She doesn’t care. She would rather watch tv.

Honestly, more power to her.

This is so short-sighted. Who will she hang out with when friends are busy? When her kids stop coming home? Who can she trust who will help her when she has a health problem? There is a lot to be said for a medium guy who is devoted and trustworthy.

Most elderly women are single. My mother and her 3 siblings are all widowed, single, or divorced. They help each other and make it work.

Between the ages of 50 and 60, something like 50% of women are widowed, single or divorced. Above the age of 65, the majority of women are in this category. Many men are as well. The reality is that most people deal with things on their own as they age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd end it. You're hurting him if you feel that way. At 60 he's not totally over the hill and might have a chance of finding a better life partner if you end it now.

She on the other hand, at 54, is unlikely to find one.

Did you read the OP? She doesn’t care. She would rather watch tv.

Honestly, more power to her.

This is so short-sighted. Who will she hang out with when friends are busy? When her kids stop coming home? Who can she trust who will help her when she has a health problem? There is a lot to be said for a medium guy who is devoted and trustworthy.

Most elderly women are single. My mother and her 3 siblings are all widowed, single, or divorced. They help each other and make it work.

Between the ages of 50 and 60, something like 50% of women are widowed, single or divorced. Above the age of 65, the majority of women are in this category. Many men are as well. The reality is that most people deal with things on their own as they age.

Where did you get this stat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd end it. You're hurting him if you feel that way. At 60 he's not totally over the hill and might have a chance of finding a better life partner if you end it now.

She on the other hand, at 54, is unlikely to find one.

Did you read the OP? She doesn’t care. She would rather watch tv.

Honestly, more power to her.

This is so short-sighted. Who will she hang out with when friends are busy? When her kids stop coming home? Who can she trust who will help her when she has a health problem? There is a lot to be said for a medium guy who is devoted and trustworthy.

Most elderly women are single. My mother and her 3 siblings are all widowed, single, or divorced. They help each other and make it work.

Between the ages of 50 and 60, something like 50% of women are widowed, single or divorced. Above the age of 65, the majority of women are in this category. Many men are as well. The reality is that most people deal with things on their own as they age.

Where did you get this stat?

It’s 30-35%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you want to spend less time with him? Or you're happy with the current situation but don't want more? If it's the latter, I don't think you have to end it. Don't lie about your feelings and intentions. He might end it, if he's not happy with it, but that's his choice.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being in a committed relationship with someone and not living together if it works for both of you. My dad and his partner have been living happily this way for a decade. They came together in their late 50s and have their own homes and interests and this set up works for them.

Maybe. As I think about it, I have a circle of friends that I enjoy spending time with and activities that I enjoy doing. Anytime I have free time and want to spend it doing something other than being with him he gets disappointed and it comes through. He doesn't have a large circle of friends or hobbies. In the summer months, he enjoys outdoor concerts with friends, but they don't do anything during the colder months. Maybe I just don't want to be someones "everything".

This is the problem. It's exhausting to be with somebody like that.

Communicate to him that you want time to yourself. Let him know you'll see him a couple times a week, but you need your space as well, and when he acts disappointed, it makes you want to see him even less. Also that he needs to make his own friends because you cab't be his only social outlet.

I agree with this assessment.
Although if they get to a place where he understands and respects that she needs her space, perhaps they can move forward with spending more time “together” - though eventually, that can include being in the same house together but not necessarily doing the same things.
It’s often awkward at the point in the relationship where both parties need to both become more comfortable in each other’s presence but also establish some boundaries.
A large house, potentially with separate bedrooms and enough spaces each person can go off and do their own thing sometimes, works wonders.
OP needs her own little Bridgerton den.
Her partner needs to get some hobbies, activities, and friends.

I am a middle aged person in LTR and having our own little hang out spaces and activities keeps us sane.

[Anonymous]

Just because he might like to remarry doesn't mean you have to. It also doesn't mean you have to end it. Enjoy your 1-2 nights a week together, and then ... enjoy your Bridgerton.

I think it sounds wonderful.

Here's what I think.

Men want to get married again so they can reduce their mental (and emotional) load. Women don't want to get married again so they won't increase their mental and emotional load. And housekeeping load.

My grandmother had a boyfriend for 20-30 years after my grandfather died. Her beau wanted to marry, but she said no thank you. But they stayed together, saw each other, had companionship. But she wasn't doing his laundry or cooking his dinner!

Be who you want to be. Do not be pressured into HIS needs and wishes at the expense of your own.

[Anonymous]

^ great advice. my in-laws never remarried either - just lived together or in different states.
Financially too messy with kids on both sides.

I think it's a great balance, see him when you want or not.
He needs to work on himself and his hobbies, not pout like a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because he might like to remarry doesn't mean you have to. It also doesn't mean you have to end it. Enjoy your 1-2 nights a week together, and then ... enjoy your Bridgerton.

I think it sounds wonderful.

Here's what I think.

Men want to get married again so they can reduce their mental (and emotional) load. Women don't want to get married again so they won't increase their mental and emotional load. And housekeeping load.

My grandmother had a boyfriend for 20-30 years after my grandfather died. Her beau wanted to marry, but she said no thank you. But they stayed together, saw each other, had companionship. But she wasn't doing his laundry or cooking his dinner!

Be who you want to be. Do not be pressured into HIS needs and wishes at the expense of your own.

Your thinking is wrong and invalid. Men today do their own laundry and cook. Get with the times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you saying you want to spend less time with him? Or you're happy with the current situation but don't want more? If it's the latter, I don't think you have to end it. Don't lie about your feelings and intentions. He might end it, if he's not happy with it, but that's his choice.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being in a committed relationship with someone and not living together if it works for both of you. My dad and his partner have been living happily this way for a decade. They came together in their late 50s and have their own homes and interests and this set up works for them.

Maybe. As I think about it, I have a circle of friends that I enjoy spending time with and activities that I enjoy doing. Anytime I have free time and want to spend it doing something other than being with him he gets disappointed and it comes through. He doesn't have a large circle of friends or hobbies. In the summer months, he enjoys outdoor concerts with friends, but they don't do anything during the colder months. Maybe I just don't want to be someones "everything".

I completely understand. I am entering my 50s and I am in an LTR. I am extremely sensitive to any hint of neediness on his part. I raised 3 boys and all of my ability to meet needs for others seems to have been sucked dry. And I am fine with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, do you have an avoidant personality style? How was the last marriage?

She seems like a normal woman in her 50s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because he might like to remarry doesn't mean you have to. It also doesn't mean you have to end it. Enjoy your 1-2 nights a week together, and then ... enjoy your Bridgerton.

I think it sounds wonderful.

Here's what I think.

Men want to get married again so they can reduce their mental (and emotional) load. Women don't want to get married again so they won't increase their mental and emotional load. And housekeeping load.

My grandmother had a boyfriend for 20-30 years after my grandfather died. Her beau wanted to marry, but she said no thank you. But they stayed together, saw each other, had companionship. But she wasn't doing his laundry or cooking his dinner!

Be who you want to be. Do not be pressured into HIS needs and wishes at the expense of your own.

Your thinking is wrong and invalid. Men today do their own laundry and cook. Get with the times.

My bf does these things, yes. But there is still an imbalance of need. He definitely needs me more than I do him and it can feel draining. We are in our 50s.

[Anonymous]

My partner and I are in our 50s. He needs help in bed, sure, but the sex is still so good that I can't imagine wanting to watch Bridgerton (or anything else) instead. We can't see each other often due to distance and custody time so that definitely helps keep things exciting.

If other aspects of the relationship are satisfying (do you genuinely like him? does he support you? do you enjoy talking to him? is he an equal partner?), I'd try cutting back the time you spend together to the weekends and see if that gives you the space you need. If not, it's ok to prefer being alone to being in a relationship!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because he might like to remarry doesn't mean you have to. It also doesn't mean you have to end it. Enjoy your 1-2 nights a week together, and then ... enjoy your Bridgerton.

I think it sounds wonderful.

Here's what I think.

Men want to get married again so they can reduce their mental (and emotional) load. Women don't want to get married again so they won't increase their mental and emotional load. And housekeeping load.

My grandmother had a boyfriend for 20-30 years after my grandfather died. Her beau wanted to marry, but she said no thank you. But they stayed together, saw each other, had companionship. But she wasn't doing his laundry or cooking his dinner!

Be who you want to be. Do not be pressured into HIS needs and wishes at the expense of your own.

This. I am 60, married, and have been very clear that I would never live with or marry a man again if I were to be widowed or divorced. I don't even want to handle my husband's mental load, no way would I do it for a man who's not even the father of my children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems the sex is bad. I will never pick a tv show over good sex.

This is OP. So good sex should trump everything else? If it doesn’t, it’s not good? I can’t have sex all night and get up for work the next day. Or I should want sex with him so much that I can’t imagine anything better?

If you have to ask this question, explaining to you won't help.

Try to explain this to me like I'm 5. I don't understand how sex is the center of all in a relationship. It is one component of it. But at 60, he needs help and he's been honest with me that if we didn't have sex, it would be okay with him. I'm the one who encouraged medication. To the person that wrote this---what are you going to do when you're 60 and things just don't work like they used to anymore? Yes, sex is nice, but that's just it--it nice; it's one aspect. There is nothing in my life that I always want to do---eating, sleeping, going to a concert, etc.

I'm 60 and my husband's sex drive is much lower than mine. His overall energy level is lower too. The answer is you find other outlets for that energy but if I were single, very high on my list would be sexual compatibility. I have plenty of friends for platonic companionship; I don't need a man to pay for me and my children are grown. If the sex isn't fantastic, why bother?

[Anonymous]

I think you're feeling guilty because you know, or at least think, he wants more. And you anticipate that some day he'll say, OK, when are things progressing?

He's a grown adult and it's his responsibility to say if the arrangement doesn't work for him. There's nothing wrong with wanting a companion a couple of days a week . . . that's what I am looking for too. But if he wants more then it's simply a matter of incompatibility. That's his call to make, though.