Girlfriend Says My Kids Are Mean

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This relationship isn't a good fit right now. Why does your girlfriend need to be around your kids at all? Your kids don't like her. They may not like anyone. They'll be gone most of the time in a couple of short years. Tell gf that you don't think she needs to hang out with kids. Maybe she will be fine with that.

+1. Was GF set on a “happy family” dynamic and now mad that it isn’t coming true?

It’s OP’s responsibility/fault that she is around his kids, not hers. Much more likely that he was trying to slot her into the Mom role. And she can certainly expect civility from his children. If OP wouldn’t allow his kids to treat his friends like this, he shouldn’t allow it for his girlfriend, either.

Ummm she chose to date a man with kids. While it is possible to keep your kids totally separate from your SO, that is not the normal way to do things. And of course your dad’s friend is far different from your dad’s girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your girlfriend is not asking to be crowned queen of the castle. She’s just asking not to feel like the villain every time she walks in the room. That’s reasonable. Nobody signs up to feel unwelcome in the home of the person they love.

At the same time, teens will be teens so they may not even realize what they're doing (except I'm sure they do, at least on some level). So here's the move...

You don’t punish.
You don’t lecture.
You don’t make it a courtroom.
You just get real clear.

Something like:
“Hey, I get that this situation’s weird and you don’t have to love it. You don’t have to love her. But you do have to be respectful. That’s the price of entry in this house.”

Your daughters love you and they want you to be happy and they'll understand why this is important to you.

I agree with everything but the bolded, which I strongly disagree with. The "price of entry" into his home was paid when they were born to him. He is their father, and short of them abusing the dad or gf, they should always be welcome in his home. They need to understand the as his daughters they cannot be rude to a guest in his house. And the gf is the guest, not the daughters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your girlfriend is not asking to be crowned queen of the castle. She’s just asking not to feel like the villain every time she walks in the room. That’s reasonable. Nobody signs up to feel unwelcome in the home of the person they love.

At the same time, teens will be teens so they may not even realize what they're doing (except I'm sure they do, at least on some level). So here's the move...

You don’t punish.
You don’t lecture.
You don’t make it a courtroom.
You just get real clear.

Something like:
“Hey, I get that this situation’s weird and you don’t have to love it. You don’t have to love her. But you do have to be respectful. That’s the price of entry in this house.”

Your daughters love you and they want you to be happy and they'll understand why this is important to you.

They may also choose to avoid “this house” entirely going forward.

+1. Threatening to kick your teens out of the house if they don’t show the proper deference to your GF is the best way to never have a relationship with your adult kids. Conversely, it’s the goal and MO of many a stepmother.

[Anonymous]

Let this one go. It’s not fair to her to keep her around. Wait until your daughters have left the house to bring another woman home. In the interim, teach them to basic human decency and respect if you intend to ever remarry or cohabitate with another woman.

[Anonymous]

Is this who you left their mother for?

If so, I get it.

If not, maybe they see right through your girlfriend. It might be her- not them.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, if she's taking VERY typical teen behavior so personally, she's not cut out for this. Eye-rolling and being rude and rejecting their father's girlfriend is extremely normal, especially with a permissive parent such as yourself.

If your girlfriend were a more mature person, she would break up with you because your parenting style makes you and she a bad match. Not because the actions of teenagers hurt her feeeewings. That's not how adults handle this.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, it's natural for teenagers to use their leverage when they have it. It's part of them differentiating from their parents and expressing their autonomy. If your girlfriend can't handle it, why does she need to spend time with them at all?

I was this kid, and my mother was dating someone who was still married. When he was over, I would ask him in a fake conversational tone "How's your wife?" As if it was a totally normal question and I didn't know he was having an affair with my mom. My mom haaaaated this! But it isn't rude to ask after someone's spouse, it's actually good manners! LOL.

[Anonymous]

sounds like your GF is jealous and she will break your relationships with your daughter. They are the most important and your GF won't be around that long if she is already despises them. I am sure your GF was meaner when she was a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were your girlfriend, I would not tolerate this situation.

And if I were your kids, I'd make dad pay for breaking up my home for the rest of his life.

You don't need a "girlfriend" now OP. You have daughters who will be out of your house in about a year. Surely you can put your lovelife on hold until then, and give them the father they need before they go out on their own, believing that all men will eventually dump them and come up with a shiny new toy.

He’s been divorced for 8 years. Come on. Very few people are going to live like monks or nuns for that long.

Then I guess he should have worked harder on his marriage.

[Anonymous]

Sigh. You’re putting a lot on your daughters. But kids are resilient. What if they really bonded with her and then you broke it off? Quit playing games with their hearts (backstreet)!

[Anonymous]

Dads and moms dating after divorce is so cringe!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this girlfriend your AP?

Fair question. No response from OP yet.

[Anonymous]

She’s barely around them, like every couples weeks, all pushed by her.
I try to keep my dating life private but the women usually want to be involved with the kids,
They weren’t super nice to the last woman either, so don’t think it’s her specific. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s barely around them, like every couples weeks, all pushed by her.
I try to keep my dating life private but the women usually want to be involved with the kids,
They weren’t super nice to the last woman either, so don’t think it’s her specific. -OP

Then they’re sending you a clear message that they want you to keep your dating life away from them. You need to make sure they know it’s not ok to be rude. But you also need to know they don’t want to get to know or have a relationship with your current girlfriend, whoever that may be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s barely around them, like every couples weeks, all pushed by her.
I try to keep my dating life private but the women usually want to be involved with the kids,
They weren’t super nice to the last woman either, so don’t think it’s her specific. -OP

The women have no right to expect a relationship with your kids. You need to communicate that better to them.