Girlfriend Says My Kids Are Mean

[Anonymous]

This is the most predictable of human behaviors. Your choice (and the girlfriends) is to handle it with grace and wait for them to feel about it when they're in their 30s or break up. But maybe they won't ever fee bad, depending on some details you left out (was the divoce your fault, is the girlfriend closer to their age than yours, etc)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad here. I have two daughters, 17 and 18, who are good kids but not exactly warm toward my girlfriend. There’s been eye-rolling, mocking, and some rude comments, and my girlfriend of 1.5 yos feels like they’re being mean to her. She’s said she needs a break from the situation because it’s been really hurtful for her.

My view has been that they’re teenagers dealing with a complicated situation, and I’ve been inclined to let things slide rather than turn it into a bigger conflict. I don’t think they’re bad kids, but I also don’t want to force anything or escalate things with them.

I’m looking for some perspective on how to balance giving my daughters grace while also being fair to my girlfriend and her feelings.

She said she needs a break, meaning she broke up with you? If so, it’s done. She’s choosing not to tolerate disrespect by leaving, which is the right move for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This relationship isn't a good fit right now. Why does your girlfriend need to be around your kids at all? Your kids don't like her. They may not like anyone. They'll be gone most of the time in a couple of short years. Tell gf that you don't think she needs to hang out with kids. Maybe she will be fine with that.

+1. Was GF set on a “happy family” dynamic and now mad that it isn’t coming true?

It’s OP’s responsibility/fault that she is around his kids, not hers. Much more likely that he was trying to slot her into the Mom role. And she can certainly expect civility from his children. If OP wouldn’t allow his kids to treat his friends like this, he shouldn’t allow it for his girlfriend, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were your girlfriend, I would not tolerate this situation.

And if I were your kids, I'd make dad pay for breaking up my home for the rest of his life.

You don't need a "girlfriend" now OP. You have daughters who will be out of your house in about a year. Surely you can put your lovelife on hold until then, and give them the father they need before they go out on their own, believing that all men will eventually dump them and come up with a shiny new toy.

He’s been divorced for 8 years. Come on. Very few people are going to live like monks or nuns for that long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you inflicting a girlfriend on your children? Date once they have moved out of the house. They don't have to be nice to some random woman.

+1
Why can’t you focus on your children rather than your f*** buddy du jour? Getting your dick wet isn’t more important than launching successful adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your girlfriend is not asking to be crowned queen of the castle. She’s just asking not to feel like the villain every time she walks in the room. That’s reasonable. Nobody signs up to feel unwelcome in the home of the person they love.

At the same time, teens will be teens so they may not even realize what they're doing (except I'm sure they do, at least on some level). So here's the move...

You don’t punish.
You don’t lecture.
You don’t make it a courtroom.
You just get real clear.

Something like:
“Hey, I get that this situation’s weird and you don’t have to love it. You don’t have to love her. But you do have to be respectful. That’s the price of entry in this house.”

Your daughters love you and they want you to be happy and they'll understand why this is important to you.

They may also choose to avoid “this house” entirely going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you inflicting a girlfriend on your children? Date once they have moved out of the house. They don't have to be nice to some random woman.

+1
Why can’t you focus on your children rather than your f*** buddy du jour? Getting your dick wet isn’t more important than launching successful adults.

Crude much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad here. I have two daughters, 17 and 18, who are good kids but not exactly warm toward my girlfriend. There’s been eye-rolling, mocking, and some rude comments, and my girlfriend of 1.5 yos feels like they’re being mean to her. She’s said she needs a break from the situation because it’s been really hurtful for her.

My view has been that they’re teenagers dealing with a complicated situation, and I’ve been inclined to let things slide rather than turn it into a bigger conflict. I don’t think they’re bad kids, but I also don’t want to force anything or escalate things with them.

I’m looking for some perspective on how to balance giving my daughters grace while also being fair to my girlfriend and her feelings.

I don’t have the patience for adults being rude to me either. Your kids are effectively adults and they are rude (eye rolling is for 12-14 year olds). Decide if you want to continue with this woman - if yes - have a stern talk with your kids. If no - continue to raise rude adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't assume these girls "love their father and will understand." I know 2 adult women who are over the age of 50 who still can't be polite to their stepmoms of 20+ years.

They were poorly raised adults and still very immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This relationship isn't a good fit right now. Why does your girlfriend need to be around your kids at all? Your kids don't like her. They may not like anyone. They'll be gone most of the time in a couple of short years. Tell gf that you don't think she needs to hang out with kids. Maybe she will be fine with that.

I agree. You need to put your daughters first. Dating can wait. My sons do not like my ex's girlfriend. When they come home from college they have limited time to see him. His girlfriend is always at his house. They can't relax and have just guy time. It's sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were your girlfriend, I would not tolerate this situation.

And if I were your kids, I'd make dad pay for breaking up my home for the rest of his life.

You don't need a "girlfriend" now OP. You have daughters who will be out of your house in about a year. Surely you can put your lovelife on hold until then, and give them the father they need before they go out on their own, believing that all men will eventually dump them and come up with a shiny new toy.

He’s been divorced for 8 years. Come on. Very few people are going to live like monks or nuns for that long.

Where does he say that? I don't think anyone's expecting celibacy. The question is why he needs his girlfriend to be spending time with his kids, at all. And also, what is the difficult situation mentioned in the original post?

The girlfriend is likely naive about teen behavior. Teens roll their eyes at everyone. It's not uncommon and you shouldn't be dating a divorced man if you can't handle it.

OP, you need to take seriously any legitimate complaint your kids may have. If the girlfriend is your AP they will never accept her. And if she's much younger than you, they will never accept her. And if she has unrealistic behavior expectations it will not go well.

You can get a new relationship but they can never have a re-do on an intact family. She will always be an interloper. They may stop being rude, but it will never be a normal family. Accept it.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you are a permissive parent who tolerates bad behavior because you feel it's too much work to impose expectations and consequences. Or you're feeling really guilty about the divorce or about your own parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This relationship isn't a good fit right now. Why does your girlfriend need to be around your kids at all? Your kids don't like her. They may not like anyone. They'll be gone most of the time in a couple of short years. Tell gf that you don't think she needs to hang out with kids. Maybe she will be fine with that.

+1. Was GF set on a “happy family” dynamic and now mad that it isn’t coming true?

I don't think she necessarily wants a "happy family." She just wants basic respect from kids who are old enough to understand basic respect and whose parent should have taught them basic respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I were your girlfriend, I would not tolerate this situation.

And if I were your kids, I'd make dad pay for breaking up my home for the rest of his life.

You don't need a "girlfriend" now OP. You have daughters who will be out of your house in about a year. Surely you can put your lovelife on hold until then, and give them the father they need before they go out on their own, believing that all men will eventually dump them and come up with a shiny new toy.

He’s been divorced for 8 years. Come on. Very few people are going to live like monks or nuns for that long.

He doesn’t need to act like a monk and they should not be rude. But they also have zero obligation to spend time with her so if they choose to avoid contact with her that’s fine too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your girlfriend is not asking to be crowned queen of the castle. She’s just asking not to feel like the villain every time she walks in the room. That’s reasonable. Nobody signs up to feel unwelcome in the home of the person they love.

At the same time, teens will be teens so they may not even realize what they're doing (except I'm sure they do, at least on some level). So here's the move...

You don’t punish.
You don’t lecture.
You don’t make it a courtroom.
You just get real clear.

Something like:
“Hey, I get that this situation’s weird and you don’t have to love it. You don’t have to love her. But you do have to be respectful. That’s the price of entry in this house.”

Your daughters love you and they want you to be happy and they'll understand why this is important to you.

Totally agree with this.

I assume you’re divorced op? How long has it been?

Its been 8 years

FYA ^