Sibling Estrangement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Younger female sibling went no contact about four years ago. Have never gotten a straight answer as to why. Relationship was fine up to that point with shared holidays and frequent contact. This happen to anyone else? Ever get an answer to why or reconnect? Seems like time is not a friend in these sorts of situations.

Echhh, until you find out what or who influenced her to do that, you don’t know wtf is going in.
Cult, mental disorders, actual abuse victim, fake abuse victim, narcissist, bad agent therapist, pathological liar, being isolated by an abuser, etc.

Best case is she’s misguided in self estranging, and doing very well for her self- career, friends, health, life.

[Anonymous]

Keep the door open. Send a greeting for her birthday, at the holidays, and any update on major life events even if she might have heard from elsewhere (deaths, engagements, graduations, college plans, that type of thing) Always invite (unless she's a danger to anyone), always invite to events where otherwise the entire family is invited. Keep any communication formal. Just state the details. And with greetings, "Happy Holidays" and just sign your name. Almost like you would communicate with a colleague at work or a neighbor you don't know. Leave the door open.

[Anonymous]

pp again. Do not have any expectations. None. Don't expect to hear from her that she's declining any invitation. Don't expect anything. That''s why you keep it formal. You aren't too invested, because you know at the present (or maybe forever), she is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went zero contact with one sibling. Best choice ever. Year three.

Leave it be.

Did you ever discuss the behavior that caused you to go zero contact? Did you act like all was fine, then boom, cut them off? If so, that is extremely immature and borders on instability. However, if you let the sibling know the behavior wasn't acceptable and they continued to do it, then fine, cut them off.

What you’re describing is rare in family situations, especially among adults. More commonly (as with divorce), it’s death by a thousand cuts to the relationship. It’s not uncommon that the person feeling cut off knowingly refused to budge on important issues, or consistently failed to be kind. Abuse and personality disorders are also not uncommon, and it can take people deep into adulthood to work through their feelings and build a more peaceful life, with healthier boundaries. Sometimes the family of origin dynamics don’t support that change. If you care about someone who is low or no contact, leave the door open. Even better, work on yourself in the meantime.

OP’s use of “female sibling” and other ways of describing their relationship aren’t exactly warm or insightful. Maybe their sister will come around, maybe not. The best thing OP can do is work on building their own EQ.

OP’s post was succinct and did not give a lot of identifying details in an anonymous but public forum. That’s perfectly understandable, especially when talking about family dynamics, and I would not read into it.

PP, it sounds like you have a lot of sympathy for the sibling going no contact. There are lots of situations where space is a good thing. But I do wonder if no-contact is increasingly appealing for folks who want to avoid hearing anything that conflicts with their preferences. It’s peaceful, yes. Definitely easier than working through conflict. Not sure that it’s always healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Younger female sibling went no contact about four years ago. Have never gotten a straight answer as to why. Relationship was fine up to that point with shared holidays and frequent contact. This happen to anyone else? Ever get an answer to why or reconnect? Seems like time is not a friend in these sorts of situations.

Weird. She never said, “I need a break from you all because of x y z?” She just ghosted off and doesn’t answer questions or explain herself? And you have no guesses why this is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Younger female sibling went no contact about four years ago. Have never gotten a straight answer as to why. Relationship was fine up to that point with shared holidays and frequent contact. This happen to anyone else? Ever get an answer to why or reconnect? Seems like time is not a friend in these sorts of situations.

Echhh, until you find out what or who influenced her to do that, you don’t know wtf is going on.

Cult, mental disorders, actual abuse victim, fake abuse victim, narcissist, bad agent therapist, pathological liar, being isolated by an abuser, etc.

Best case is she’s misguided in self estranging, and doing very well for her self- career, friends, health, life.

This.

Could be a myriad of “reasons.” Most of them not valid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went zero contact with one sibling. Best choice ever. Year three.

Leave it be.

Did you ever discuss the behavior that caused you to go zero contact? Did you act like all was fine, then boom, cut them off? If so, that is extremely immature and borders on instability. However, if you let the sibling know the behavior wasn't acceptable and they continued to do it, then fine, cut them off.

What you’re describing is rare in family situations, especially among adults. More commonly (as with divorce), it’s death by a thousand cuts to the relationship. It’s not uncommon that the person feeling cut off knowingly refused to budge on important issues, or consistently failed to be kind. Abuse and personality disorders are also not uncommon, and it can take people deep into adulthood to work through their feelings and build a more peaceful life, with healthier boundaries. Sometimes the family of origin dynamics don’t support that change. If you care about someone who is low or no contact, leave the door open. Even better, work on yourself in the meantime.

OP’s use of “female sibling” and other ways of describing their relationship aren’t exactly warm or insightful. Maybe their sister will come around, maybe not. The best thing OP can do is work on building their own EQ.

OP’s post was succinct and did not give a lot of identifying details in an anonymous but public forum. That’s perfectly understandable, especially when talking about family dynamics, and I would not read into it.

PP, it sounds like you have a lot of sympathy for the sibling going no contact. There are lots of situations where space is a good thing. But I do wonder if no-contact is increasingly appealing for folks who want to avoid hearing anything that conflicts with their preferences. It’s peaceful, yes. Definitely easier than working through conflict. Not sure that it’s always healthy.

OP said they “Have never gotten a straight answer as to why” — suggesting OP or others in the family have continued to have conversations/contact with their sister, just not to OP’s preference. OP further referring to their sister as a “female sibling” is such an odd, distancing choice that it suggests OP would benefit from a closer look at their own communication style and way of relating to their sister. It would also help give OP a greater sense of control, because that’s all any of us can control (our own thoughts, feelings, behaviors).

Most of us have empathy for families struggling to connect. But it’s notable that healthier families are usually more accepting of fluctuations in relationship space than enmeshed ones. There are less strings attached. Enmeshed families aren’t usually secure families, and thus they are more likely to perceive lower contact as no contact, even when it’s not truly the case.

[Anonymous]

OP, was she treated as an equal? An equal peer? Your use of "younger" has me wondering. Older/younger is irrelevant once we are all adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went zero contact with one sibling. Best choice ever. Year three.

Leave it be.

Did you ever discuss the behavior that caused you to go zero contact? Did you act like all was fine, then boom, cut them off? If so, that is extremely immature and borders on instability. However, if you let the sibling know the behavior wasn't acceptable and they continued to do it, then fine, cut them off.

What you’re describing is rare in family situations, especially among adults. More commonly (as with divorce), it’s death by a thousand cuts to the relationship. It’s not uncommon that the person feeling cut off knowingly refused to budge on important issues, or consistently failed to be kind. Abuse and personality disorders are also not uncommon, and it can take people deep into adulthood to work through their feelings and build a more peaceful life, with healthier boundaries. Sometimes the family of origin dynamics don’t support that change. If you care about someone who is low or no contact, leave the door open. Even better, work on yourself in the meantime.

OP’s use of “female sibling” and other ways of describing their relationship aren’t exactly warm or insightful. Maybe their sister will come around, maybe not. The best thing OP can do is work on building their own EQ.

OP’s post was succinct and did not give a lot of identifying details in an anonymous but public forum. That’s perfectly understandable, especially when talking about family dynamics, and I would not read into it.

PP, it sounds like you have a lot of sympathy for the sibling going no contact. There are lots of situations where space is a good thing. But I do wonder if no-contact is increasingly appealing for folks who want to avoid hearing anything that conflicts with their preferences. It’s peaceful, yes. Definitely easier than working through conflict. Not sure that it’s always healthy.

NP. I am 100% sure my brother is out there telling people that I went no contact because I "couldn't handle conflict" and I "avoid everything". The truth is he is a 55 y/o emotionally immature bully who regularly blows up at people and then later wants to "talk about it", which means that he is 1) now tired of experiencing the consequences of his behavior, 2) wants a chance to explain why his behavior was justified or not that bad, and 3) and is ready for the relationship to continue as before. Until his next blow up.

The truth is there are just some behaviors that no one should repeatedly tolerate AND no one needs to explain why they are not ok.

I mean, if he's really puzzled he can get a therapist and show them our last email exchange. That ought to clear things up for anyone who has any doubt. But, honestly, I know he's had therapists, and my best guess is that he will just make up his own version of events in which he is a victim, and if they get close to the truth he will stop going. Whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I went zero contact with one sibling. Best choice ever. Year three.

Leave it be.

Did you ever discuss the behavior that caused you to go zero contact? Did you act like all was fine, then boom, cut them off? If so, that is extremely immature and borders on instability. However, if you let the sibling know the behavior wasn't acceptable and they continued to do it, then fine, cut them off.

What you’re describing is rare in family situations, especially among adults. More commonly (as with divorce), it’s death by a thousand cuts to the relationship. It’s not uncommon that the person feeling cut off knowingly refused to budge on important issues, or consistently failed to be kind. Abuse and personality disorders are also not uncommon, and it can take people deep into adulthood to work through their feelings and build a more peaceful life, with healthier boundaries. Sometimes the family of origin dynamics don’t support that change. If you care about someone who is low or no contact, leave the door open. Even better, work on yourself in the meantime.

OP’s use of “female sibling” and other ways of describing their relationship aren’t exactly warm or insightful. Maybe their sister will come around, maybe not. The best thing OP can do is work on building their own EQ.

OP’s post was succinct and did not give a lot of identifying details in an anonymous but public forum. That’s perfectly understandable, especially when talking about family dynamics, and I would not read into it.

PP, it sounds like you have a lot of sympathy for the sibling going no contact. There are lots of situations where space is a good thing. But I do wonder if no-contact is increasingly appealing for folks who want to avoid hearing anything that conflicts with their preferences. It’s peaceful, yes. Definitely easier than working through conflict. Not sure that it’s always healthy.

OP said they “Have never gotten a straight answer as to why” — suggesting OP or others in the family have continued to have conversations/contact with their sister, just not to OP’s preference. OP further referring to their sister as a “female sibling” is such an odd, distancing choice that it suggests OP would benefit from a closer look at their own communication style and way of relating to their sister. It would also help give OP a greater sense of control, because that’s all any of us can control (our own thoughts, feelings, behaviors).

Most of us have empathy for families struggling to connect. But it’s notable that healthier families are usually more accepting of fluctuations in relationship space than enmeshed ones. There are less strings attached. Enmeshed families aren’t usually secure families, and thus they are more likely to perceive lower contact as no contact, even when it’s not truly the case.

Rather than PP inferring, have any of your others siblings maintained contact, OP?

PP, I have to disagree with you on what you are considering a “fluctuation” in contact. A four month gap of any communication can be a normal fluctuation (though it seems like a long gap in my view), low contact, or the start of no contact. Four years is squarely no contact and not a perception problem from an “enmeshed” family member.

[Anonymous]

OP here. No other siblings and parents have passed on. Have shown last contact to therapist and have dealt with it in therapy. Mentioned younger because birth order seems to matter in terms of how people deal with things. Without going into too much detail, break in contact coincided with a happy event in my life. Therapist suspected that jealously was involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep the door open. Send a greeting for her birthday, at the holidays, and any update on major life events even if she might have heard from elsewhere (deaths, engagements, graduations, college plans, that type of thing) Always invite (unless she's a danger to anyone), always invite to events where otherwise the entire family is invited. Keep any communication formal. Just state the details. And with greetings, "Happy Holidays" and just sign your name. Almost like you would communicate with a colleague at work or a neighbor you don't know. Leave the door open.

Why? This requires lots of effort from the person who didn't start anything. I'd do nothing. If and when the sibling is ready, let them reach out. And if not, then oh well. I'm the PP whose friend disappeared after my wedding... and also jealousy made the most sense considering everything. At the end of the day we don't know what is going on with another person, even though we thought they're a dear friend or a beloved sibling. Stalking is illegal and it's better not to continue reaching out if it's unwanted, relationships have to be mutual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Younger female sibling went no contact about four years ago. Have never gotten a straight answer as to why. Relationship was fine up to that point with shared holidays and frequent contact. This happen to anyone else? Ever get an answer to why or reconnect? Seems like time is not a friend in these sorts of situations.

Echhh, until you find out what or who influenced her to do that, you don’t know wtf is going on.

Cult, mental disorders, actual abuse victim, fake abuse victim, narcissist, bad agent therapist, pathological liar, being isolated by an abuser, etc.

Best case is she’s misguided in self estranging, and doing very well for her self- career, friends, health, life.

This.

Could be a myriad of “reasons.” Most of them not valid.

With mental health disorders you will not get reasons. I'm in a similar situation of having been ghosted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think sometimes siblings do and say things that they don't realize are hurtful/not acceptable/think are fine after years of the same behavior being tolerated. Then there is a moment were the person asserts themselves and cuts off contact.

The reality, a mature person would talk to the sibling, discuss, since in many cases the behavior was never intentional to harm, and frankly the person wasn't aware it was a problem. Might not even be aware that something they do is a problem for someone else.

Again, mature people talk these things out. Unfortunately, the person who is cutting ties WANTS no contact. They don't want to talk. Given that, there is nothing to do about it.

NOt always. SOmetimes people are aware of patterns and know that no matter what, the other person would not change because they are simply not capable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went zero contact with one sibling. Best choice ever. Year three.

Leave it be.

+1