How do some women land amazing, caring, reliable, attractive guys?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By breaking it off with anyone who isn't. No fixer uppers. Just wish him well and move on.

Every human is a fixer upper in some way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of it is luck. No one can look accurately 25 years into the future on their wedding day.

This is quite true but basics like kindness, character and integrity don't change.

[Anonymous]

Well, it probably helps to know what to look for. I’ve often thought that girls who had amazing, caring, reliable fathers probably both seek out and attract amazing, caring, reliable guys. Those types of relationships feel natural and normal to them — as might rejecting interactions with guys who are uncaring ind unreliable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m equally amazing , caring, reliable & attractive ❤️

moi aussi

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, it probably helps to know what to look for. I’ve often thought that girls who had amazing, caring, reliable fathers probably both seek out and attract amazing, caring, reliable guys. Those types of relationships feel natural and normal to them — as might rejecting interactions with guys who are uncaring ind unreliable.

I think this is true. My dad is not kind, caring, or reliable. I really struggled early on in dating because I found men who were kind or who seemed to really care about me untrustworthy. I had been taught that I didn't deserve kindness or affection, so I thought it was a trick. That's what a bad dad does to your brain (I also had a bad mom, in case anyone is worried).

I *did* recognize that some men didn't treat me well and I did reject those guys -- turns out I had some self worth in there somewhere. But I ultimately wound up married to someone very stoic, and I think it's because he neither scared me nor weirded me out with emotional availability. I lucked out in that we've both worked through a lot of our issues together and he's now more emotionally expressive and affectionate than he was originally (especially with our DC but also with me) and I have learned to trust that and believe I deserve it.

But I could never have married someone who was very openly caring back when I was dating. It was totally foreign to me and I didn't know what to do with it. I didn't believe I deserved someone caring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have one. I chose him, lol. I met him at work shortly after I started, we are both lawyers. The first time I saw him, he was standing in a hallway talking to someone, smiling and laughing. I asked my friend "Who is that great looking guy?" In a place where everyone hates everyone, everyone liked him. I knew immediately he was the one. No one else would do, lol. Twenty years later, and he's still amazing, and everyone still likes him. He's by far the best thing that ever happened to me.

You just have to recognize a really great one when you see them, lol.

Ok, now I want to hear his side of it.

[Anonymous]

If you’re talking about women who don’t seem objectively/conventionally beautiful, it’s mostly about having an infectious personality and lots of confidence. Charisma. Guys love women with a mischievous side who seem like they would be a fun partner in crime.

[Anonymous]

My husband fits this description. I think the one helpful thing is to be attractive enough (“cute”) but not so beautiful that the wrong types of guys see you as a challenge to get or chase you for status.

My husband also made it clear early on that he wanted to have a family and showed me he had really good executive functioning skills and no real vices. I suspect other women passed him over because he seemed “boring” (i.e. responsible) when we were in our 20’s. I snapped him up before anyone else realized what a good guy he was. He is a great dad and husband and I am thankful every day.

[Anonymous]

I landed an amazing, kind, caring, successful, insanely hot guy after decades of only attracting complete and total losers.

It came down to two things:

1. Hold myself to the same standard: attractive, successful, etc. I’ve found I attract higher quality men at age 40 because I am very career driven and successful, than I did in my 20s when I was extremely beautiful but had little going for me.

2. Hold men to an extremely high standard, be extremely upfront and direct about what I want, and immediately cut off anyone who doesn’t fit that. Too many women waste their time pursuing mediocre men. I speak up for what I want, and if a man won’t meet that, I end things.

When you treat yourself like the prize, men value you more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By breaking it off with anyone who isn't. No fixer uppers. Just wish him well and move on.

This is the key. Don't settle for less than you offer.

Dating w purpose absolutely works.

[Anonymous]

My DH is pretty awesome. Contrary to many PPs, neither of us had particularly great Dads. Some factors in my favor.

1) My DH is an introvert, so I introduced myself to him and made an effort to get to know him.
2) I’m pretty awesome. I’m smart, attractive, funny, and successful. However, I’m definitely not a super model.
3) I have high expectations. I never wasted time with guys who were jerks or annoying or that I didn’t enjoy spending time with.

[Anonymous]

If you can’t find such a guy you are overstating your own worth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends. Here is what I have observed:

- Some women simply expect any man they are with to be like this, and this results in them marrying a man like this. I think the women like this had dads who were like this, and treated them well, and it gave them faith such men exist and they go out looking for one and then if they get one, they don't look a gift horse in the mouth and they lock him down. I think this is most common.

- Some women prioritize marriage early and do a good job of picking a guy who will become this, even if when they start dating or get married, he's merely reliable and kind but kind of goofy looking and doesn't have a good job or anything. Often these couples are religious and meet through their religious activity, which I think works out because they tend to have similar families, goals, and values. Then she can kind of help him grow up, learn to dress, encourage him to make good career choices. So this is kind of DIY.

- Some women buy low. I know a couple women who have found men fresh off divorces (or even just while separated) who turned out to be good partners. I am not sure if they were always good partners or learned something from their first marriage or are just scared to be twice divorced. You have to find a divorced guy with no kids for this, and you have to make sure to get a guy who doesn't want to be divorced, but that second one is not as hard as you think -- men rarely want to get divorced and most divorces are initiated by women. So if you can find a guy who is like mid to late 30s who is just divorced, odds are good he'll be eager for a solid relationship and will make extra effort. Marry one, have a kid with him, he'll be extra loyal. But make sure his first relationship didn't end because of cheating (on either side) because he'll either do it again or never trust you.

There’s different kinds of goofy looking. DH’s photos were very unattractive, but he just needed a makeover. I gave him control over my look so I could dictate how he presented himself. He needed a haircut, a beard, and a drastic closet clean out. I had to give up wearing makeup and grow my hair longer, but I don’t care. We’re both very happy with the arrangement. Look at the r/bald sub on Reddit to see what’s possible.

Everyone listen to this one here ^^. What a great one she landed! /s

He told her to stop wearing makeup and grow her hair? What the hell? Not okay. And this "I did it so I could tell him what to wear" stuff does not make any of this acceptable or even sane.

+1
Absolutely not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends. Here is what I have observed:

- Some women simply expect any man they are with to be like this, and this results in them marrying a man like this. I think the women like this had dads who were like this, and treated them well, and it gave them faith such men exist and they go out looking for one and then if they get one, they don't look a gift horse in the mouth and they lock him down. I think this is most common.

- Some women prioritize marriage early and do a good job of picking a guy who will become this, even if when they start dating or get married, he's merely reliable and kind but kind of goofy looking and doesn't have a good job or anything. Often these couples are religious and meet through their religious activity, which I think works out because they tend to have similar families, goals, and values. Then she can kind of help him grow up, learn to dress, encourage him to make good career choices. So this is kind of DIY.

- Some women buy low. I know a couple women who have found men fresh off divorces (or even just while separated) who turned out to be good partners. I am not sure if they were always good partners or learned something from their first marriage or are just scared to be twice divorced. You have to find a divorced guy with no kids for this, and you have to make sure to get a guy who doesn't want to be divorced, but that second one is not as hard as you think -- men rarely want to get divorced and most divorces are initiated by women. So if you can find a guy who is like mid to late 30s who is just divorced, odds are good he'll be eager for a solid relationship and will make extra effort. Marry one, have a kid with him, he'll be extra loyal. But make sure his first relationship didn't end because of cheating (on either side) because he'll either do it again or never trust you.

There’s different kinds of goofy looking. DH’s photos were very unattractive, but he just needed a makeover. I gave him control over my look so I could dictate how he presented himself. He needed a haircut, a beard, and a drastic closet clean out. I had to give up wearing makeup and grow my hair longer, but I don’t care. We’re both very happy with the arrangement. Look at the r/bald sub on Reddit to see what’s possible.

Everyone listen to this one here ^^. What a great one she landed! /s

He told her to stop wearing makeup and grow her hair? What the hell? Not okay. And this "I did it so I could tell him what to wear" stuff does not make any of this acceptable or even sane.

+1
Absolutely not.

+2. WTH? What kind of insecure man baby makes his wife give up makeup?

Although I can’t imagine marrying a man who doesn’t know the basics of how to dress, style his hair, etc. If a guy showed up sloppy on dates I would have ended it right then and there.

[Anonymous]

As I've gotten to know my colleague over the several years, it's been revealed how many choices she made to optimize the kind of partner she could attract and be with. She is very selective and knows what she wants.

She is smart and successful and didn't "change herself for a man," but she absolutely turned into the best version of herself, as well as the version that would attract the kind of partner she wants to be with.

I'm ready for people to get mad, but this includes decisions about weight, tattoos, fashion, etc.