How do some women land amazing, caring, reliable, attractive guys?

[Anonymous]

My friends with amazing husbands snapped them up early (in their 20s) and quick when they knew their man was good. They cared less about physical attractiveness initially and their husbands got more attractive with age (eg. they were skinny then and more muscular now; they were nerdy and now nerdy is cool). They also cared less about “exploring their options for fun.”

There is a balance. The ones that got married early (early-mid 20s), who didn’t date around too much, and had kids early, most have thoughts about what it would be like to have dated around more. The ones who got married still relatively early (late 20s), had enough time to date around, still secured amazing men, and are (from what I can tell) happily married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you ever hear people admonish and scold women for "not picking better"?

That's literally it. Don't "pick" bad men. If they are crude in their first message to you, dont go out with them. If they only comment on your pictures and not anything else in your profile, dont go out with them. If you are on a date with them and they do something rude, crude or inappropriate, leave.

Basically you just want to rule out time wasters and losers ASAP.

And once you get beyond "don't pick bad men" fine tune it. If you're tidy, don't date someone with a messy apartment. Don't date men who aren't punctual or reliable. Don't spend time with men who won't try to plan activities they think you'll enjoy. Find men who enjoy the activities you do. Don't bother with men who don't show sincere, enthusiastic interest. They may be fantastic for some other woman, but why waste your time? Be sure basic values and life goals align.

It still a whole lot of luck, because people do change, but chances are better if you pick what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you ever hear people admonish and scold women for "not picking better"?

That's literally it. Don't "pick" bad men. If they are crude in their first message to you, dont go out with them. If they only comment on your pictures and not anything else in your profile, dont go out with them. If you are on a date with them and they do something rude, crude or inappropriate, leave.

Basically you just want to rule out time wasters and losers ASAP.

And no one taught me how to do this. Most of us aren't taught, and I think those women whose parents do teach them how to respect themselves and rule out jerks and losers pick better.

Absolutely. Women are told to sit down, shut up and be grateful for any male attention - including unwanted. No more.

[Anonymous]

^^ can't reply to your post properly 15:00, but 100%

No one wants a fixer upper. Don't date someone expecting them to change. Don't date someone thinking YOU can change them. Find someone compatible with you now, and with the same future goals in mind. No guarantees in life, but weeding out red flags as soon as they pop up does make this process much smoother.

[Anonymous]

Women without baggage and drama land this type of guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friends with amazing husbands snapped them up early (in their 20s) and quick when they knew their man was good. They cared less about physical attractiveness initially and their husbands got more attractive with age (eg. they were skinny then and more muscular now; they were nerdy and now nerdy is cool). They also cared less about “exploring their options for fun.”

There is a balance. The ones that got married early (early-mid 20s), who didn’t date around too much, and had kids early, most have thoughts about what it would be like to have dated around more. The ones who got married still relatively early (late 20s), had enough time to date around, still secured amazing men, and are (from what I can tell) happily married.

I married early 20s. I see men all the time. I do not have thoughts about dating around more.

Many women would consider my husband “amazing.” In most ways he is a great husband. That doesn’t mean our marriage has always been happy or easy or that I haven’t made major compromises. There is no “perfect” man or perfect woman. The best way to get the partner you want is to be the person you would want to be with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree it's helpful to know about someone's family but what you describe does not always hold true. Two of the best guys I know have terrible families and some totally selfish a-holes have great families.

Divorce in the family tells me when th going gets tough going is an option. Solid marriages mean when the going gets tough they stick through the tough times. This is important to me.

What are tough times to you? Addiction, personality disorder, cheating? There are plenty of image conscious people who stay unhappily married and raise their children in dysfunction while telling them it’s normal and teaching them to avoid feelings and emotions. And then their kids either realize the harm and distance themselves at even more personal and emotional cost or recreate it in their own families. Divorce is usually a symptom of dysfunction being addressed in some way. Staying married can mean there isn’t dysfunction or there’s dysfunction that isn’t being addressed, which usually means the adults lack the emotional capabilities to address it and that says a lot about their parenting.

Regardless, no person is an extension of their parents’ decisions, upbringings, personalities, etc. Everyone has agency and identity and is capable of making their own decisions and building their own life. To see someone simply as an extension of their parents and family is simplistic.

As I said above tough times for me are not choosing people with addictions or mental problems in their family. In my marriage our tough times were: 2 international moves, family illnesses and deaths, disabled family members, job loss, long period of unemployment, multiple miscarriages, and some differences in raising children amongst other things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you ever hear people admonish and scold women for "not picking better"?

That's literally it. Don't "pick" bad men. If they are crude in their first message to you, dont go out with them. If they only comment on your pictures and not anything else in your profile, dont go out with them. If you are on a date with them and they do something rude, crude or inappropriate, leave.

Basically you just want to rule out time wasters and losers ASAP.

And no one taught me how to do this. Most of us aren't taught, and I think those women whose parents do teach them how to respect themselves and rule out jerks and losers pick better.

Absolutely. Women are told to sit down, shut up and be grateful for any male attention - including unwanted. No more.

If by “male attention” you mean regular marital s*x with your otherwise great husband, then go right ahead and see what happens when you cut him off completely.

How’s that working out for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree it's helpful to know about someone's family but what you describe does not always hold true. Two of the best guys I know have terrible families and some totally selfish a-holes have great families.

Divorce in the family tells me when th going gets tough going is an option. Solid marriages mean when the going gets tough they stick through the tough times. This is important to me.

What are tough times to you? Addiction, personality disorder, cheating? There are plenty of image conscious people who stay unhappily married and raise their children in dysfunction while telling them it’s normal and teaching them to avoid feelings and emotions. And then their kids either realize the harm and distance themselves at even more personal and emotional cost or recreate it in their own families. Divorce is usually a symptom of dysfunction being addressed in some way. Staying married can mean there isn’t dysfunction or there’s dysfunction that isn’t being addressed, which usually means the adults lack the emotional capabilities to address it and that says a lot about their parenting.

Regardless, no person is an extension of their parents’ decisions, upbringings, personalities, etc. Everyone has agency and identity and is capable of making their own decisions and building their own life. To see someone simply as an extension of their parents and family is simplistic.

+1. Glad my DH married me even though my parents are divorced. Imagine if no one good would consider me just because of my family background which I have no control over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got burned by my first boyfriend who was a loser. I am glad that this happened because I had high standards from a young age. I refused to be with someone who did not treat me well.

I’m surprised at how many women are willing to put up with bad men.

I was attractive and smart so it was always easy to meeet men.

And how many men are willing to put up with bad women.

Men and women are willing to look past a lot of red flags.

What's with the victimese here? Go start your own thread.

It’s a human issue, not a gendered issue. Nothing about being a victim. Just that there are good and bad men and women and as a human, finding another human to share life with who treats you well is hard. Many humans look past red flags or stay with a bad partner, regardless of the gender of each. It has nothing to do with being a man or being a woman. It has to do with being a human.

Not really. More men are abusers than women. Women choosing a wrong man can end her life. Stop trying to minimize women's' experiences. Not everything has to be turned into "what about the mennnnn".

Men are more physically abusive and women are more emotionally abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friends with amazing husbands snapped them up early (in their 20s) and quick when they knew their man was good. They cared less about physical attractiveness initially and their husbands got more attractive with age (eg. they were skinny then and more muscular now; they were nerdy and now nerdy is cool). They also cared less about “exploring their options for fun.”

There is a balance. The ones that got married early (early-mid 20s), who didn’t date around too much, and had kids early, most have thoughts about what it would be like to have dated around more. The ones who got married still relatively early (late 20s), had enough time to date around, still secured amazing men, and are (from what I can tell) happily married.

Can I comment from a guy's perspective? - "Snapped up" my wife when we met in college 20+ years ago in our young 20s. I worked a demanding job in DC and she went to med school not in DC. We do the long distance relationship for several years and end up moving together/getting married prior to her residency/fellowship. I turn into a full time SAHD for our kids with all the moves and being away from any family. Would I ever have considered this prior to meeting her? NO! Final result was perfect for our family.

Definitely got lucky "snapping her up" early Thanks to her college roommate for introducing us!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it just the luck of the draw?? How do they do it?!

I married a man like in my 30s.

Here is the secret which took me from dating losers to high quality men.

Do not date men who you don’t find to be attractive or have an amazing personality. Once dating, notice if he is reliable or unreliable. The moment he is unreliable, move on. Pay attention to if his behaviors are caring or uncaring. If uncaring, move on.

To state the obvious, you have more options to filter through the above process the more sexually attractive you are. I am average looking but maintain a nice figure which helped my odds.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

My DH is all of this. He has always been a man of good character, but when we got together I was clear about my expectations and willing to walk away if they didn’t align with what he wanted. He immediately stepped up and gets better with age like fine wine. I also am a very doting spouse, work to stay in shape, regularly surprise him with little treats and maintain intimacy after a decade and two kids. It’s a two way street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree it's helpful to know about someone's family but what you describe does not always hold true. Two of the best guys I know have terrible families and some totally selfish a-holes have great families.

Divorce in the family tells me when th going gets tough going is an option. Solid marriages mean when the going gets tough they stick through the tough times. This is important to me.

What are tough times to you? Addiction, personality disorder, cheating? There are plenty of image conscious people who stay unhappily married and raise their children in dysfunction while telling them it’s normal and teaching them to avoid feelings and emotions. And then their kids either realize the harm and distance themselves at even more personal and emotional cost or recreate it in their own families. Divorce is usually a symptom of dysfunction being addressed in some way. Staying married can mean there isn’t dysfunction or there’s dysfunction that isn’t being addressed, which usually means the adults lack the emotional capabilities to address it and that says a lot about their parenting.

Regardless, no person is an extension of their parents’ decisions, upbringings, personalities, etc. Everyone has agency and identity and is capable of making their own decisions and building their own life. To see someone simply as an extension of their parents and family is simplistic.

+1. Glad my DH married me even though my parents are divorced. Imagine if no one good would consider me just because of my family background which I have no control over.

I’m happy for you. For other people, like me, you’d be out of the running. It is why it is - not everyone thinks like me. I actually broke up with a really nice guy because I found out his father left his family and suffered from schizophrenia. Because schizophrenia is genetic I didn’t want that possibility in my children or grandchildren. I wish him well and hope he found happiness. He’s just not right for me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you ever hear people admonish and scold women for "not picking better"?

That's literally it. Don't "pick" bad men. If they are crude in their first message to you, dont go out with them. If they only comment on your pictures and not anything else in your profile, dont go out with them. If you are on a date with them and they do something rude, crude or inappropriate, leave.

Basically you just want to rule out time wasters and losers ASAP.

And no one taught me how to do this. Most of us aren't taught, and I think those women whose parents do teach them how to respect themselves and rule out jerks and losers pick better.

Absolutely. Women are told to sit down, shut up and be grateful for any male attention - including unwanted. No more.

If by “male attention” you mean regular marital s*x with your otherwise great husband, then go right ahead and see what happens when you cut him off completely.

How’s that working out for you?

Huh? Hitting the bottle a little early today?

Women and girls get male attention starting from the age of like 10. So not sure why you’re bringing up dead bedrooms when discussing all (including unwanted) male attention. Bizarre to try and use this thread and comment to push your own random narrative. Boy bye.