How do some women land amazing, caring, reliable, attractive guys?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends. Here is what I have observed:

- Some women simply expect any man they are with to be like this, and this results in them marrying a man like this. I think the women like this had dads who were like this, and treated them well, and it gave them faith such men exist and they go out looking for one and then if they get one, they don't look a gift horse in the mouth and they lock him down. I think this is most common.

- Some women prioritize marriage early and do a good job of picking a guy who will become this, even if when they start dating or get married, he's merely reliable and kind but kind of goofy looking and doesn't have a good job or anything. Often these couples are religious and meet through their religious activity, which I think works out because they tend to have similar families, goals, and values. Then she can kind of help him grow up, learn to dress, encourage him to make good career choices. So this is kind of DIY.

- Some women buy low. I know a couple women who have found men fresh off divorces (or even just while separated) who turned out to be good partners. I am not sure if they were always good partners or learned something from their first marriage or are just scared to be twice divorced. You have to find a divorced guy with no kids for this, and you have to make sure to get a guy who doesn't want to be divorced, but that second one is not as hard as you think -- men rarely want to get divorced and most divorces are initiated by women. So if you can find a guy who is like mid to late 30s who is just divorced, odds are good he'll be eager for a solid relationship and will make extra effort. Marry one, have a kid with him, he'll be extra loyal. But make sure his first relationship didn't end because of cheating (on either side) because he'll either do it again or never trust you.

There’s different kinds of goofy looking. DH’s photos were very unattractive, but he just needed a makeover. I gave him control over my look so I could dictate how he presented himself. He needed a haircut, a beard, and a drastic closet clean out. I had to give up wearing makeup and grow my hair longer, but I don’t care. We’re both very happy with the arrangement. Look at the r/bald sub on Reddit to see what’s possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By being amazing, reliable, caring, attractive women.

+1. I had two other guys interested in marrying me. I chose the best one.

This. +1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By being amazing, reliable, caring, attractive women.

+1. I had two other guys interested in marrying me. I chose the best one.

This. +1

Yes, but OP doesn’t have these options, or she wouldn’t be here asking.

OP, I went on over 30 first dates. If a guy had any shot at all, he got a first date. Always order drip coffee to keep it affordable for him if he’s paying. I would date guys until I realized that I wasn’t interested in marrying them. Once I realized this, I broke up immediately. It’s actually good to be single most of the time. A great guy won’t be interested in poaching a girl who’s dating someone else. If I wasn’t feeling chemistry by date 6, I would break it up. It’s okay if you don’t feel chemistry on the first date. DH and I clicked on the fourth date, but the first three dates were stilted and awkward.

If you don’t know how to tell whether you’re interested in marrying a guy, you can do this mental exercise. Make a list of your ten favorite people. List two things you like best about each person and one thing you don’t like about each person. Now look for patterns. The person you marry should have the traits you find attractive in your friends.

For example, you might like that one friend always asks how you are and really listens to the answer. Another friend gives great hugs. A third friend is unfailingly kind to people who are lower on the social totem pole. Another friend is always on time and very organized. Any character traits that are represented by multiple friends should be ones you seek out. No spouse will be perfect, but if you value an even temperament, you’ll be very unhappy with a dramatic spouse. Pick three to five traits that you will not compromise on. Be flexible on less important attributes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By breaking it off with anyone who isn't. No fixer uppers. Just wish him well and move on.

This is the key. Don't settle for less than you offer.

[Anonymous]

A lot of it is luck. No one can look accurately 25 years into the future on their wedding day.

[Anonymous]

They possess the qualities that amazing, reliable, caring, attractive men want in a spouse. Easy.

[Anonymous]

I’m curious that the advice is always “don’t settle.” That makes it sound like there are always better options. That’s not necessarily the case

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious that the advice is always “don’t settle.” That makes it sound like there are always better options. That’s not necessarily the case

The people that say that tend to be the ones who need to settle the most as their partners certainly settled when choosing them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By being amazing, reliable, caring, attractive women.

+1. I had two other guys interested in marrying me. I chose the best one.

This. +1

Yes, but OP doesn’t have these options, or she wouldn’t be here asking.

OP, I went on over 30 first dates. If a guy had any shot at all, he got a first date. Always order drip coffee to keep it affordable for him if he’s paying. I would date guys until I realized that I wasn’t interested in marrying them. Once I realized this, I broke up immediately. It’s actually good to be single most of the time. A great guy won’t be interested in poaching a girl who’s dating someone else. If I wasn’t feeling chemistry by date 6, I would break it up. It’s okay if you don’t feel chemistry on the first date. DH and I clicked on the fourth date, but the first three dates were stilted and awkward.

If you don’t know how to tell whether you’re interested in marrying a guy, you can do this mental exercise. Make a list of your ten favorite people. List two things you like best about each person and one thing you don’t like about each person. Now look for patterns. The person you marry should have the traits you find attractive in your friends.

For example, you might like that one friend always asks how you are and really listens to the answer. Another friend gives great hugs. A third friend is unfailingly kind to people who are lower on the social totem pole. Another friend is always on time and very organized. Any character traits that are represented by multiple friends should be ones you seek out. No spouse will be perfect, but if you value an even temperament, you’ll be very unhappy with a dramatic spouse. Pick three to five traits that you will not compromise on. Be flexible on less important attributes.

Ooooo yes .. You 🔥

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By breaking it off with anyone who isn't. No fixer uppers. Just wish him well and move on.

Girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious that the advice is always “don’t settle.” That makes it sound like there are always better options. That’s not necessarily the case

Of course. I know people who “didn’t settle” who are still single in their 40s. The advice really should be “don’t settle on your core values”. Women’s who have certain aesthetic requirements tend to be disappointed. Men in our culture aren’t socialized to attend to their looks the way women are. In addition, the average woman is more attractive than the average man. Most heterosexual women will statistically be dating down in the looks department. I always dated any guy I was attracted to, even if he was a bit overweight or balding or whatever. I never dated men I was unattracted to, because that just wastes everyone’s time.

For me, the man’s character really affected how I felt about his looks, to the point where friends would comment on the disparity in private. I’m sure that part of the reason I think DH is so attractive is because I really think he’s a great guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married an amazing man after years of relentless self improvement and emotional work. By the time I met DH, I’d been in therapy for a total of 6 years with three different therapists. Yes, it was expensive on a pink collar salary, but I became a better, more mature adult. I worked out for 6 hours a week. I took care of my appearance. I volunteered weekly.

I was also careful to make good financial decisions. I saved money for retirement, emergencies, and started working towards a down payment on a house. Used clothing was cheaper then, as was rent, which I’m sure helped. But I always lived in cheap places with multiple roommates and rarely took vacations. Instead, I’d go into DC on day trips.

Another thing I did right was to go where the men were serious. Back then, it was eHarmony. I got hit on by men in their 50s, felons, etc., on other sites. It’s been awhile, so the best platform could have changed. Make sure you join somewhere that does a background check. I had to online date for about seven years to find my husband. I took notes on each guy, saved their names in my phone with identifying details, and basically treated it like a second job. I went on a slew of bad dates. One guy got drunk and threw up on a stranger. Another guy kept touching me and wouldn’t back off. Another guy was so socially inept that he sang to himself rather than converse with me. Either being married is worth going through hell, or it’s not. For me, I’m thankful every day that I put in the work.

I’m also aware that I was lucky. I have looks that met many men’s minimum threshold. I didn’t make a ton of money, but I lived in a time when I could budget for extras that maximized my attractiveness. I grew up in a family where emotional health was discussed.

OP, there are great guys out there, but you’re not guaranteed to meet one who is still single. I noticed a big drop-off in my matches once my age started with a 3. No idea how old you are, but you can put the work in.

Wow is this the kind of effort women need to make to find the right guy? I don't think men do 20% of what you did to find the right partner.

[Anonymous]

I asked DW this question and she said she'd check with her sister.

[Anonymous]

They don’t complain about everything in posts on forums like this. Don’t bash men constantly. And know how to make a sandwich.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious that the advice is always “don’t settle.” That makes it sound like there are always better options. That’s not necessarily the case

You don't have to marry them.