How do some women land amazing, caring, reliable, attractive guys?

[Anonymous]

There is no perfect match from get go, you make your relationship perfect. You have to put more in the relationship to get something amazing. There are plenty of relationships that fell apart because someone doesn't want to put enough efforts or get cold feet due to avoidant personality/too much intimacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They don’t complain about everything in posts on forums like this. Don’t bash men constantly. And know how to make a sandwich.

Sure, JD

[Anonymous]

That amazingly seeming guy could have a raging temper behind closed doors. You never know. Grass is always greener.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friends who landed guys like that are getting divorced because they cheated.

You don't know how to identify them either. Birds of a feather

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of it is luck. No one can look accurately 25 years into the future on their wedding day.

Definitely some luck, which you can tilt in your favor by attending college/grad/professional school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That amazingly seeming guy could have a raging temper behind closed doors. You never know. Grass is always greener.

That's why you live with them first for at least a year before getting engaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married an amazing man after years of relentless self improvement and emotional work. By the time I met DH, I’d been in therapy for a total of 6 years with three different therapists. Yes, it was expensive on a pink collar salary, but I became a better, more mature adult. I worked out for 6 hours a week. I took care of my appearance. I volunteered weekly.

I was also careful to make good financial decisions. I saved money for retirement, emergencies, and started working towards a down payment on a house. Used clothing was cheaper then, as was rent, which I’m sure helped. But I always lived in cheap places with multiple roommates and rarely took vacations. Instead, I’d go into DC on day trips.

Another thing I did right was to go where the men were serious. Back then, it was eHarmony. I got hit on by men in their 50s, felons, etc., on other sites. It’s been awhile, so the best platform could have changed. Make sure you join somewhere that does a background check. I had to online date for about seven years to find my husband. I took notes on each guy, saved their names in my phone with identifying details, and basically treated it like a second job. I went on a slew of bad dates. One guy got drunk and threw up on a stranger. Another guy kept touching me and wouldn’t back off. Another guy was so socially inept that he sang to himself rather than converse with me. Either being married is worth going through hell, or it’s not. For me, I’m thankful every day that I put in the work.

I’m also aware that I was lucky. I have looks that met many men’s minimum threshold. I didn’t make a ton of money, but I lived in a time when I could budget for extras that maximized my attractiveness. I grew up in a family where emotional health was discussed.

OP, there are great guys out there, but you’re not guaranteed to meet one who is still single. I noticed a big drop-off in my matches once my age started with a 3. No idea how old you are, but you can put the work in.

Wow is this the kind of effort women need to make to find the right guy? I don't think men do 20% of what you did to find the right partner.

To be fair, I don’t know any women who put that much work in either. I read the strength finder 2.0 book years ago, and my biggest strength was maintaining relationships. I enjoy calling friends, organizing gatherings, writing letters, etc. I’m quiet and shy but feedback from ex boyfriends was that I made them feel really great about themselves. So I think it was natural for me to really focus on finding a great husband that I can pour that energy into. I mean, sure, he could get brain cancer and have a total personality change someday. Terrible things happen. But we’ve had a slew of bad luck for a couple years in a row and our marriage has weathered it. I think it’s because we both went to individual therapy before getting married and that we’re a really great fit for each other.

[Anonymous]

I have one. I chose him, lol. I met him at work shortly after I started, we are both lawyers. The first time I saw him, he was standing in a hallway talking to someone, smiling and laughing. I asked my friend "Who is that great looking guy?" In a place where everyone hates everyone, everyone liked him. I knew immediately he was the one. No one else would do, lol. Twenty years later, and he's still amazing, and everyone still likes him. He's by far the best thing that ever happened to me.

You just have to recognize a really great one when you see them, lol.

[Anonymous]

'Land'? I have met only two such men in my whole life. Granted, I did hang out with people from the bottom of society as that's were I belong.
Both got their lovely women, but they also got divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends. Here is what I have observed:

- Some women simply expect any man they are with to be like this, and this results in them marrying a man like this. I think the women like this had dads who were like this, and treated them well, and it gave them faith such men exist and they go out looking for one and then if they get one, they don't look a gift horse in the mouth and they lock him down. I think this is most common.

- Some women prioritize marriage early and do a good job of picking a guy who will become this, even if when they start dating or get married, he's merely reliable and kind but kind of goofy looking and doesn't have a good job or anything. Often these couples are religious and meet through their religious activity, which I think works out because they tend to have similar families, goals, and values. Then she can kind of help him grow up, learn to dress, encourage him to make good career choices. So this is kind of DIY.

- Some women buy low. I know a couple women who have found men fresh off divorces (or even just while separated) who turned out to be good partners. I am not sure if they were always good partners or learned something from their first marriage or are just scared to be twice divorced. You have to find a divorced guy with no kids for this, and you have to make sure to get a guy who doesn't want to be divorced, but that second one is not as hard as you think -- men rarely want to get divorced and most divorces are initiated by women. So if you can find a guy who is like mid to late 30s who is just divorced, odds are good he'll be eager for a solid relationship and will make extra effort. Marry one, have a kid with him, he'll be extra loyal. But make sure his first relationship didn't end because of cheating (on either side) because he'll either do it again or never trust you.

There’s different kinds of goofy looking. DH’s photos were very unattractive, but he just needed a makeover. I gave him control over my look so I could dictate how he presented himself. He needed a haircut, a beard, and a drastic closet clean out. I had to give up wearing makeup and grow my hair longer, but I don’t care. We’re both very happy with the arrangement. Look at the r/bald sub on Reddit to see what’s possible.

Everyone listen to this one here ^^. What a great one she landed! /s

He told her to stop wearing makeup and grow her hair? What the hell? Not okay. And this "I did it so I could tell him what to wear" stuff does not make any of this acceptable or even sane.

[Anonymous]

I have a male friend who might fit this characterization, but he's also a workaholic who travels all the time and misses tons of family events. He's on the brink of divorce. Things aren't always what they seem.

I would say my DH fits this category as well, but I can tell you the many ways he's imperfect. I'm still happy to have married him, but some of it is also adapting to make things work.

[Anonymous]

People probably wonder how I "landed" my DH. I am goofy looking, not very domestic, not very put together. Not especially socially adept. I am pretty smart but not gifted. My DH is tall and attractive and dresses well, is responsible, a great dad, my parents adore him. Like everyone he certainly has his flaws, but overall, I'm really lucky.

I didn't date in high school at all and very little in college or afterwards. In HS I was attracted to the players that gave me (and every other girl) attention. Later the few guys I dated briefly were not very genuine, just chasing something physical. By the time I met DH I had made peace with being perpetually single. I was not willing to date someone who wasn't genuinely interested in me. We met hanging out with mutual friends and there was a spark, and the rest is history. I didn't do anything special to "land" him. It was really just luck.

[Anonymous]

I think my DH fits the bill. I dated nonstop in my early 20s and was very explicit about my expectations around marriage and kids. I would cut things off immediately if I knew it wasn’t going to work in the long run.

I had some hesitations with DH (semi superficial things like he’s not the most charismatic man even though he’s attractive, and I had previously dated that kind of personality which I really liked), but at the end of the day he was so dependable and I knew he was going to be such a great dad and he was constantly trying to improve himself as a human being — that was all so attractive and I thought better for my life in the long run.

I’m so sure now that I made the best decision then. He has turned out to be a really wonderful father and fantastic life partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends. Here is what I have observed:

- Some women simply expect any man they are with to be like this, and this results in them marrying a man like this. I think the women like this had dads who were like this, and treated them well, and it gave them faith such men exist and they go out looking for one and then if they get one, they don't look a gift horse in the mouth and they lock him down. I think this is most common.

- Some women prioritize marriage early and do a good job of picking a guy who will become this, even if when they start dating or get married, he's merely reliable and kind but kind of goofy looking and doesn't have a good job or anything. Often these couples are religious and meet through their religious activity, which I think works out because they tend to have similar families, goals, and values. Then she can kind of help him grow up, learn to dress, encourage him to make good career choices. So this is kind of DIY.

- Some women buy low. I know a couple women who have found men fresh off divorces (or even just while separated) who turned out to be good partners. I am not sure if they were always good partners or learned something from their first marriage or are just scared to be twice divorced. You have to find a divorced guy with no kids for this, and you have to make sure to get a guy who doesn't want to be divorced, but that second one is not as hard as you think -- men rarely want to get divorced and most divorces are initiated by women. So if you can find a guy who is like mid to late 30s who is just divorced, odds are good he'll be eager for a solid relationship and will make extra effort. Marry one, have a kid with him, he'll be extra loyal. But make sure his first relationship didn't end because of cheating (on either side) because he'll either do it again or never trust you.

There’s different kinds of goofy looking. DH’s photos were very unattractive, but he just needed a makeover. I gave him control over my look so I could dictate how he presented himself. He needed a haircut, a beard, and a drastic closet clean out. I had to give up wearing makeup and grow my hair longer, but I don’t care. We’re both very happy with the arrangement. Look at the r/bald sub on Reddit to see what’s possible.

Everyone listen to this one here ^^. What a great one she landed! /s

He told her to stop wearing makeup and grow her hair? What the hell? Not okay. And this "I did it so I could tell him what to wear" stuff does not make any of this acceptable or even sane.

I understand that this dynamic won’t work for everyone. To be very clear, I was the one who proposed the arrangement. It did not occur to him to ask me to change my look until I suggested it. It turns out that we don’t look at ourselves nearly as much as we look at our spouses. It was more important to me that he lose the borderline combover.

I can see why some people who’ve had their boundaries violated in the past might be triggered by this. I’m just not attracted to guys who were unkind, so nothing about this bothers me. I’ve always really loved the men I’ve been with and trusted them to have my best interest at heart. I’ve never had this arrangement with any other partner, and none of them have ever asked. Again, it wouldn’t be necessary if men were socialized to optimize their appearance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think my DH fits the bill. I dated nonstop in my early 20s and was very explicit about my expectations around marriage and kids. I would cut things off immediately if I knew it wasn’t going to work in the long run.

I had some hesitations with DH (semi superficial things like he’s not the most charismatic man even though he’s attractive, and I had previously dated that kind of personality which I really liked), but at the end of the day he was so dependable and I knew he was going to be such a great dad and he was constantly trying to improve himself as a human being — that was all so attractive and I thought better for my life in the long run.

I’m so sure now that I made the best decision then. He has turned out to be a really wonderful father and fantastic life partner.

This is a really underrated trait.