Moms, What Do You Give Teachers at Christmas?

[Anonymous]

OP, my husband and I have talked about starting a drinking game about a class mom who will only talk to other mothers. She will march right up to my husband and me at a class event and completely ignore him and make me do all the work. It's exhausting. Please check your biases and stop doing this other women. You may be stuck in 1950 but not all of us want to be. If you aren't going to help sexism, please don't perpetuate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can dads weigh in here too?

I just asked one for you. He said he didn't know teachers got gifts and wanted to know why we would do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can dads weigh in here too?

I just asked one for you. He said he didn't know teachers got gifts and wanted to know why we would do that.

Oh, good point. Your DH isn't involved -> mine can't be either -> it's my problem to field every public interaction regarding our kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a teacher and a parent, we don't expect or want gifts. We want your child to be on time, prepared to learn, present every day possible, and supported at home.

If you really feel called to give a gift, write a kind note about how I've impacted your child. If you absolutely must put in a gift card, $5 or $10 is plenty.

More than that often comes off as a bribe--seriously.

My understanding is that $20-30 is a totally normal amount for an elementary teacher holiday gift card in our district. I can't imagine it being viewed as a bribe.

I also don't write a note to the teacher because, frankly, I don't know them that well. My kid writes a note.

NP:

This forum is so odd.

Teacher: "This" is what we want. Please don't do "that".
Parent: No, you're wrong, I'm going to do "that".

Every year teachers ask for notes, not money. Just write the damn note and forgo the money.

What interactions have I had with the teacher?

"Thank you for sending home a weekly email update about what is being taught and for selecting appropriate autogenerated comments about my kid on their report card."

No graded work is sent home since everything is on Canvas and they don't even write a comments on the report card anymore. The main teacher didn't do conferences this fall. My kid doesn't report on their day beyond "fine", so I know almost nothing about what happens in class.

My kid can write a thoughtful note.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gift card between $200-$300 (not labeled so they don’t get in trouble) a card my kid helps write and a small meaningful physical gift if that’s something that makes sense — one year we got a book she and I had been discussing signed by the author, for example. I email the principal.

Generic teachers $20 card to Target and a card my kid helps with.

At our public school teachers are not allowed to accept such a large gift. They'd have to turn it over to the school. Families are capped at giving no more than $100 per teacher per school year.

That’s why I don’t write the amount on it.

You are putting the teacher in an extremely awkward situation. When they go to use it and find out how much is on it, they are supposed to report it and hand it over to admin to handle giving back. Will they? Probably not...but then it's a really uncomfortable set up. If someone else finds out they didn't, they could get in trouble. Please don't do this.

If you are feeling extremely generous, $20 is appropriate. It's supposed to be a token gift, not an annual bonus.

--teacher

You may feel awkward. The teachers who I have gifted have not. One teacher selected different, perfect, books for mu advanced reader for the entire year and made tons of time to talk to her about them. The year before the teacher yelled at her for reading her own books when she finished the way below level class books. Preserving a child’s love of reading?? Deserves a serious recognition, not a token. A token is for the lazy teacher yelling at the advanced kids.

I thought you said the gift card was anonymous? If so, how would you know that they don't feel uncomfortable that you broke the policy and risked getting them in trouble?

You're bribing teachers for individual attention? Ick.

I didn’t say it was anonymous I said I don’t label the amount on the outside. The gift was in recognition of the work, and given in December, so it’s hardly a bribe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gift card between $200-$300 (not labeled so they don’t get in trouble) a card my kid helps write and a small meaningful physical gift if that’s something that makes sense — one year we got a book she and I had been discussing signed by the author, for example. I email the principal.

Generic teachers $20 card to Target and a card my kid helps with.

At our public school teachers are not allowed to accept such a large gift. They'd have to turn it over to the school. Families are capped at giving no more than $100 per teacher per school year.

That’s why I don’t write the amount on it.

You are putting the teacher in an extremely awkward situation. When they go to use it and find out how much is on it, they are supposed to report it and hand it over to admin to handle giving back. Will they? Probably not...but then it's a really uncomfortable set up. If someone else finds out they didn't, they could get in trouble. Please don't do this.

If you are feeling extremely generous, $20 is appropriate. It's supposed to be a token gift, not an annual bonus.

--teacher

You may feel awkward. The teachers who I have gifted have not. One teacher selected different, perfect, books for mu advanced reader for the entire year and made tons of time to talk to her about them. The year before the teacher yelled at her for reading her own books when she finished the way below level class books. Preserving a child’s love of reading?? Deserves a serious recognition, not a token. A token is for the lazy teacher yelling at the advanced kids.

I thought you said the gift card was anonymous? If so, how would you know that they don't feel uncomfortable that you broke the policy and risked getting them in trouble?

You're bribing teachers for individual attention? Ick.

I didn’t say it was anonymous I said I don’t label the amount on the outside. The gift was in recognition of the work, and given in December, so it’s hardly a bribe.

If there is any chance that this teacher will

--write a recommendation for a magnet program
--complete a private school application form
--assign grades that affect the student after this year
--Select students for a specific role that not all children will get to do (student government, patrols, the lead in the play, sports team, whatever)
--write a college rec letter down the road

...then giving a gift that is so large your student stands out from the others is absolutely going to be seen as bribery. We talk in the teacher lunch room. I assure you we all discuss how to handle these uncomfortable situations.

If you want to thank the teacher for their work with a generous gift, save it for the last day of school, after all decisions regarding grades, placements, etc are made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a teacher and a parent, we don't expect or want gifts. We want your child to be on time, prepared to learn, present every day possible, and supported at home.

If you really feel called to give a gift, write a kind note about how I've impacted your child. If you absolutely must put in a gift card, $5 or $10 is plenty.

More than that often comes off as a bribe--seriously.

My understanding is that $20-30 is a totally normal amount for an elementary teacher holiday gift card in our district. I can't imagine it being viewed as a bribe.

I also don't write a note to the teacher because, frankly, I don't know them that well. My kid writes a note.

NP:

This forum is so odd.

Teacher: "This" is what we want. Please don't do "that".
Parent: No, you're wrong, I'm going to do "that".

Every year teachers ask for notes, not money. Just write the damn note and forgo the money.

What interactions have I had with the teacher?

"Thank you for sending home a weekly email update about what is being taught and for selecting appropriate autogenerated comments about my kid on their report card."

No graded work is sent home since everything is on Canvas and they don't even write a comments on the report card anymore. The main teacher didn't do conferences this fall. My kid doesn't report on their day beyond "fine", so I know almost nothing about what happens in class.

My kid can write a thoughtful note.

Not a teacher, but maybe try,

"Larlo is so excited about math class this year! Thank you for making it so engaging for him, it has been a wonderful shift from prior years."

or

"Larla has grown so much this year with regards to public speaking! I'm sure it's a ton of work to organize 30 4th graders into a semblance of organized presentation day, but it really has made a difference in Larla's confidence with speaking in front of others. I appreciate how you guided her at the beginning of the year to get to this point."

or "

Larlo raves about your class! It's a testament to your skills that he is excited to go to school. Our family is grateful for your influence in his academic career."

or

"We are so appreciative of your willingness to stay after school to help Larla catch up after she was out with the flu. It is always so stressful to catch up, but you made it a smooth process so she wasn't overwhelmed."

If you can't write a single one of those things, why are you giving a gift? Out of obligation because they're a teacher?

A note from your child is probably equally lovely, but I feel like you can probably come up with something. Especially in the lower grades, a kid isn't going to write more than, "From, Larla" in a card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a teacher and a parent, we don't expect or want gifts. We want your child to be on time, prepared to learn, present every day possible, and supported at home.

If you really feel called to give a gift, write a kind note about how I've impacted your child. If you absolutely must put in a gift card, $5 or $10 is plenty.

More than that often comes off as a bribe--seriously.

My understanding is that $20-30 is a totally normal amount for an elementary teacher holiday gift card in our district. I can't imagine it being viewed as a bribe.

I also don't write a note to the teacher because, frankly, I don't know them that well. My kid writes a note.

NP:

This forum is so odd.

Teacher: "This" is what we want. Please don't do "that".
Parent: No, you're wrong, I'm going to do "that".

Every year teachers ask for notes, not money. Just write the damn note and forgo the money.

What interactions have I had with the teacher?

"Thank you for sending home a weekly email update about what is being taught and for selecting appropriate autogenerated comments about my kid on their report card."

No graded work is sent home since everything is on Canvas and they don't even write a comments on the report card anymore. The main teacher didn't do conferences this fall. My kid doesn't report on their day beyond "fine", so I know almost nothing about what happens in class.

My kid can write a thoughtful note.

Not a teacher, but maybe try,

"Larlo is so excited about math class this year! Thank you for making it so engaging for him, it has been a wonderful shift from prior years."

or

"Larla has grown so much this year with regards to public speaking! I'm sure it's a ton of work to organize 30 4th graders into a semblance of organized presentation day, but it really has made a difference in Larla's confidence with speaking in front of others. I appreciate how you guided her at the beginning of the year to get to this point."

or "

Larlo raves about your class! It's a testament to your skills that he is excited to go to school. Our family is grateful for your influence in his academic career."

or

"We are so appreciative of your willingness to stay after school to help Larla catch up after she was out with the flu. It is always so stressful to catch up, but you made it a smooth process so she wasn't overwhelmed."

If you can't write a single one of those things, why are you giving a gift? Out of obligation because they're a teacher?

A note from your child is probably equally lovely, but I feel like you can probably come up with something. Especially in the lower grades, a kid isn't going to write more than, "From, Larla" in a card.

My kids write thoughtful notes each year and always have. I see no reason to inject myself into this dynamic.

As for a gift, I ask my kids who they want to give gifts to, as it's their teachers and their relationships. They make the call, not me.

[Anonymous]

I’m one of the teachers who does not want anything and I’ll tell you why. I won’t use the gift cards and then it will be expected for me to write a thank you card back. You are giving me more to do for something I am not even going to use. Please stop with the gifts.

The teacher by me received a very nice GC to a restaurant and after school got out went class to class on our hall to see if anyone would use it. Hopefully she found someone. I said no and it reminds me to bring in my local ones from last year I never used, still in a drawer in my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of the teachers who does not want anything and I’ll tell you why. I won’t use the gift cards and then it will be expected for me to write a thank you card back. You are giving me more to do for something I am not even going to use. Please stop with the gifts.

The teacher by me received a very nice GC to a restaurant and after school got out went class to class on our hall to see if anyone would use it. Hopefully she found someone. I said no and it reminds me to bring in my local ones from last year I never used, still in a drawer in my house.

You won't use Target or Amazon gift cards? I consider those equivalent to cash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gift card between $200-$300 (not labeled so they don’t get in trouble) a card my kid helps write and a small meaningful physical gift if that’s something that makes sense — one year we got a book she and I had been discussing signed by the author, for example. I email the principal.

Generic teachers $20 card to Target and a card my kid helps with.

At our public school teachers are not allowed to accept such a large gift. They'd have to turn it over to the school. Families are capped at giving no more than $100 per teacher per school year.

That’s why I don’t write the amount on it.

You are putting the teacher in an extremely awkward situation. When they go to use it and find out how much is on it, they are supposed to report it and hand it over to admin to handle giving back. Will they? Probably not...but then it's a really uncomfortable set up. If someone else finds out they didn't, they could get in trouble. Please don't do this.

If you are feeling extremely generous, $20 is appropriate. It's supposed to be a token gift, not an annual bonus.

--teacher

You may feel awkward. The teachers who I have gifted have not. One teacher selected different, perfect, books for mu advanced reader for the entire year and made tons of time to talk to her about them. The year before the teacher yelled at her for reading her own books when she finished the way below level class books. Preserving a child’s love of reading?? Deserves a serious recognition, not a token. A token is for the lazy teacher yelling at the advanced kids.

I thought you said the gift card was anonymous? If so, how would you know that they don't feel uncomfortable that you broke the policy and risked getting them in trouble?

You're bribing teachers for individual attention? Ick.

I didn’t say it was anonymous I said I don’t label the amount on the outside. The gift was in recognition of the work, and given in December, so it’s hardly a bribe.

If there is any chance that this teacher will

--write a recommendation for a magnet program
--complete a private school application form
--assign grades that affect the student after this year
--Select students for a specific role that not all children will get to do (student government, patrols, the lead in the play, sports team, whatever)
--write a college rec letter down the road

...then giving a gift that is so large your student stands out from the others is absolutely going to be seen as bribery. We talk in the teacher lunch room. I assure you we all discuss how to handle these uncomfortable situations.

If you want to thank the teacher for their work with a generous gift, save it for the last day of school, after all decisions regarding grades, placements, etc are made.

I have family members who are teachers and they say this happens every year, that the teachers know who the generous parents who appreciate their (genuine) efforts are, and that teachers appreciate their gifts.

If a teacher said to me they couldn’t accept it or it made them uncomfortable that would be different but they’ve told me they appreciate it and bought things for their classrooms so I don’t think I should go Scrooge because someone on the internet said so?

Also I have never asked for anything on your list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gift card between $200-$300 (not labeled so they don’t get in trouble) a card my kid helps write and a small meaningful physical gift if that’s something that makes sense — one year we got a book she and I had been discussing signed by the author, for example. I email the principal.

Generic teachers $20 card to Target and a card my kid helps with.

At our public school teachers are not allowed to accept such a large gift. They'd have to turn it over to the school. Families are capped at giving no more than $100 per teacher per school year.

That’s why I don’t write the amount on it.

You are putting the teacher in an extremely awkward situation. When they go to use it and find out how much is on it, they are supposed to report it and hand it over to admin to handle giving back. Will they? Probably not...but then it's a really uncomfortable set up. If someone else finds out they didn't, they could get in trouble. Please don't do this.

If you are feeling extremely generous, $20 is appropriate. It's supposed to be a token gift, not an annual bonus.

--teacher

You may feel awkward. The teachers who I have gifted have not. One teacher selected different, perfect, books for mu advanced reader for the entire year and made tons of time to talk to her about them. The year before the teacher yelled at her for reading her own books when she finished the way below level class books. Preserving a child’s love of reading?? Deserves a serious recognition, not a token. A token is for the lazy teacher yelling at the advanced kids.

I thought you said the gift card was anonymous? If so, how would you know that they don't feel uncomfortable that you broke the policy and risked getting them in trouble?

You're bribing teachers for individual attention? Ick.

I didn’t say it was anonymous I said I don’t label the amount on the outside. The gift was in recognition of the work, and given in December, so it’s hardly a bribe.

If there is any chance that this teacher will

--write a recommendation for a magnet program
--complete a private school application form
--assign grades that affect the student after this year
--Select students for a specific role that not all children will get to do (student government, patrols, the lead in the play, sports team, whatever)
--write a college rec letter down the road

...then giving a gift that is so large your student stands out from the others is absolutely going to be seen as bribery. We talk in the teacher lunch room. I assure you we all discuss how to handle these uncomfortable situations.

If you want to thank the teacher for their work with a generous gift, save it for the last day of school, after all decisions regarding grades, placements, etc are made.

I have family members who are teachers and they say this happens every year, that the teachers know who the generous parents who appreciate their (genuine) efforts are, and that teachers appreciate their gifts.

If a teacher said to me they couldn’t accept it or it made them uncomfortable that would be different but they’ve told me they appreciate it and bought things for their classrooms so I don’t think I should go Scrooge because someone on the internet said so?

Also I have never asked for anything on your list.

You're specifically violating a school policy. You even said you're not writing the amount on the gift card to get around that policy. That's not okay.

[Anonymous]

Why didn’t you say moms and dads? Wish you would have. Let’s change the stereotypes. Signed, a mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my husband and I have talked about starting a drinking game about a class mom who will only talk to other mothers. She will march right up to my husband and me at a class event and completely ignore him and make me do all the work. It's exhausting. Please check your biases and stop doing this other women. You may be stuck in 1950 but not all of us want to be. If you aren't going to help sexism, please don't perpetuate it.

Hey PP, this isn't her fault. Why are YOU doing all the work, it isn't the 1950s! Tell you husband to do it, if you're so liberated. Stop blaming the other woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn’t you say moms and dads? Wish you would have. Let’s change the stereotypes. Signed, a mom

because how many dads do you think do this - really?