Anonymous wrote:Were a lot of parents super emotionally available in older generations? Love my parents, but they were/are not that way. I think the healthiest thing to do is just to use that as a "what not to do with my own kids" manual and just accept them as they are, shortcomings and all. Do I have a little bitterness at times? Sure. Bringing it up would not change anything because as you say the response (in my parents' case) would be for them to be very hurt, but they can't go back and do it all better than they did.
OP here, in my own case, the confrontation already happened and the parents are doubling down on attack, they are denying everything, and is speaking in a way that prop themselves up, pretend they were perfect parents. When confronted with more concrete things that are harder to deny, such as alcoholism (he is life-long alcoholic), or other specific examples, they went into full blown attack mode. Honestly, if they just acknowledge just a little bit of the truth, I would be willing to forgive.
How arrogant of you.
Not pp. How moronic of you. Alcoholism is a valid reason for cutting off someone. How sick of you to minimize it. You boomers are a sick bunch.
Anonymous wrote:I think being estranged for the reasons you describe is dumb and overdramatic and that there are a lot of therapists out there convincing people to break ties with loved ones over feelings that at the end of the day are really invalid and don't merit such dramatic action.
Really? You're going to stop talking to parents because you thought they were "emotionally unavailable?" And you think you're the mature one? What idiot therapist suggested you do that?
Now, I'm going on your word here that there was no actual abuse. That's a different story. But, my GOD, the navel gazing with some young people today. Because, yes, what you're describing is an inevitable paradox of being so self-centered. "Boohoo, you didn't validate my feelings enough when I was a child so I'm to call you on it and if you don't fulfill your role in my little fantasy to my satisfaction even if it hurts your own feelings, I'm going to cut you off."
Talk about emotional manipulation.
Bold talk from the cohort who mastered emotional manipulation. Not a single person I've ever known distanced themselves from family for trivial reasons.
It's also telling that you always assume a therapist has manipulated a patient into a cut off. It isn't surprising because that is how you manage relationships. Relationships to you are all about manipulating people to get what you want. Also don't blame therapists for the cut offs. That isn't how therapy works. Adults get to choose the way they want their life to be and if it is in their best interest to distance themselves from family, so be it. Your cohort of peers have a hard time with change. You need to focus on yourself and your rude boundary overstepping.
Anonymous wrote:The thing I don’t understand in these situations is other than clear abuse, which is not the experience for the majority of people, why are you trusting that your interpretation of a situation is correct? We look at things through the lens of where we are at. What 10 year old is correct that, “mom loves you best?” I feel so much of this is adults not willing to think maybe their child self is having a child like response/remembrance? Do none of you have kids? Do none of you see the outsized emotional responses to small situations? But all your remembrances were/are accurate? And you say the parents are the Narcissists 😂
Abuse has been experienced by the majority of people who have taken the step to cut off family members. What delusion on your part to claim these issues are just "outsized emotional responses to small situations". How on earth can you claim that for people dealing with dysfunctional families?
Anonymous wrote:I think being estranged for the reasons you describe is dumb and overdramatic and that there are a lot of therapists out there convincing people to break ties with loved ones over feelings that at the end of the day are really invalid and don't merit such dramatic action.
Really? You're going to stop talking to parents because you thought they were "emotionally unavailable?" And you think you're the mature one? What idiot therapist suggested you do that?
Now, I'm going on your word here that there was no actual abuse. That's a different story. But, my GOD, the navel gazing with some young people today. Because, yes, what you're describing is an inevitable paradox of being so self-centered. "Boohoo, you didn't validate my feelings enough when I was a child so I'm to call you on it and if you don't fulfill your role in my little fantasy to my satisfaction even if it hurts your own feelings, I'm going to cut you off."
Talk about emotional manipulation.
Having emotionally unavailable parents itself is very very painful, you don't know because you never experienced it. It is like drowning and crying for your parents to give you a hand and pull you up, but they watch you and sat there in silence.
Or, you're like an endless vat of need and no amount of validation would ever be enough. You're still acting like this as an adult.
Yes, they have their own emotions and needs. It's almost like you've just realized this for the first time.
"Emotionally unavailable." That's usually a defense mechanism when someone is an emotional vampire. The petulance of estrangement for this is beyond the pale. Get help for your own defects and stop blaming others.
OP here, I think you have some valid points, I can see that some children are emotionally needy. But you need to know there valid situations where the parents are horrible parents that lack the emotional capacity to love their children or anyone.
Is it capacity to love or capacity to love how you wanted to be loved? I don't think it's the same. My parents were neglectful in some ways, but I also know they love me. To me loving my children = not being neglectful in any way (probably to a fault, I do too much!) as a reaction to that. But I acknowledge my parents love me very much and thought how they acted was fine and normal even though it wasn't. The most I have gotten from them has been a (not prompted by me) small admission of regret over one of those neglectful instances, which funnily enough did not register as being a big one to me.
This is insane. You are trying to argue that people who come from abusive families or families where they weren't loved is just a matter of a person feeling they didn't get loved the way they wanted to be loved?
This is fing ridiculous. What a bunch of horse shite.
Anonymous wrote:Were a lot of parents super emotionally available in older generations? Love my parents, but they were/are not that way. I think the healthiest thing to do is just to use that as a "what not to do with my own kids" manual and just accept them as they are, shortcomings and all. Do I have a little bitterness at times? Sure. Bringing it up would not change anything because as you say the response (in my parents' case) would be for them to be very hurt, but they can't go back and do it all better than they did.
OP here, in my own case, the confrontation already happened and the parents are doubling down on attack, they are denying everything, and is speaking in a way that prop themselves up, pretend they were perfect parents. When confronted with more concrete things that are harder to deny, such as alcoholism (he is life-long alcoholic), or other specific examples, they went into full blown attack mode. Honestly, if they just acknowledge just a little bit of the truth, I would be willing to forgive.
OP, are you a parent yourself? I ask because when I was an adult in my 20s and early 30s before I had kids, I felt certain ways about how my mother raised me, including being too critical and too emotionally unavailable, and too controlling when I was a teen in some ways, and not controlling enough- not enough support or guidance or setting boundaries- in some other ways.
However since having my own children, my thoughts have shifted entirely. Some of what I used to feel so angry about, I now realize that she was trying her best and doing what she thought was correct for me, and I am not angry anymore. However, interestingly, some other things I feel even more strongly about, and I realize how easy it is to show your kids love and how putting down your own hobby and engaging with your child when they ask you to is a choice you make, and I have a hard time forgiving her for other things she did while raising me that maybe didn't even bother me before.
All this being said, I dont' bring any of it up with her, because what is the point. My childhood is over. She can't change it. Maybe I'm more emotionally distant than I would have been if I'd addressed this with her and worked it out in family therapy or whatever but I dont have time for that, I dont care enough, and I doubt shed be open to it, being the rather cold Austrian woman that she is. It's fine, she's fine, I'm fine, we get along fine even if i'm not eager to go out to lunch with her all the time or go shopping with her all the time or do things other adult women seem to enjoy doing with their mothers. Sometimes you just have to move on and realize life isnt perfect and people aren't perfect.
Thank you for the long reply, I appreciate it. Yes I have kids. And yes, I understand how complex parenting is, and no parent is perfect, I am not hanging on to old memories from childhood. But a specific instant prompted the confrontation, and they showed no humanity and went full blown attack, showed a side of them I didn't know existed. Would you mother abandon you (physically and emotionally, go no contact immediately) as soon as you shared your hurt feelings with her? No even wanting to "talk about it" or anything, just a switch of a button, go from one minute ago "oh, I love you so much, it's such a treat that you are visiting, we missed you so dearly" (yes, she is very verbal about her love like this), to one minute later "fine, bye, we don't know you anymore".
It sounds to me like they felt attacked. Did you attack them? I'm sure you think you didn't, but it very clearly seems to me like they felt attacked.
Oftentimes what we say and how we think we are expressing ourselves isn't the same as how we are perceived.
Did you make accusations? Allegations? I'm guessing you did.
I forget it who it was who said this, but today's younger people seem to walk around wanting an apology from their parents. Their parents, meanwhile, want a thank you.
When an emotionally unavailable parent perceives your need for connection or boundaries as an "attack,"
it stems from their own emotional immaturity, deep-seated issues (like trauma, neurodivergence), or fear of abandonment, causing them to feel criticized, rejected, or overwhelmed, leading to defensiveness, guilt-tripping, or stonewalling instead of empathy, because they lack the tools to handle vulnerability or responsibility for your feelings. They often see your emotional needs as demands on them, rather than normal relationship dynamics, and react by shutting down or blaming you
The real problem here is your arrogance in labeling them "emotionally unavailable parents." Plus all the weird therapy speak. You're the one that comes off looking immature. I'm sure you quite smugly think you're right. It's annoying ME -- I can only imagine what your poor parents think.
So, yes, it sounds to me like you attacked them. Baselessly. At some point, rational people realize there's no winning a circular argument and so they check out. What you see as emotional unavailability is just a self-preservation tactic. It's exhausing to have an unappreciative brat of a child haranguing you and calling you names.
You feel attacked, because you are one of those parents. Funny how you meantioned "weird therapy talk" whatever you meant by that. My parents also think that mental health is a hoax, that mentally ill people are just weak, that they just need to toughen up. After one of their children committed suicide, they acted "no clue" what happened. No clue why their child killed himself. Stop acting like them or you can speak for them. You have no idea.
Exactly. This person clearly views relationships as a competition of manipulation.
Anonymous wrote:I think being estranged for the reasons you describe is dumb and overdramatic and that there are a lot of therapists out there convincing people to break ties with loved ones over feelings that at the end of the day are really invalid and don't merit such dramatic action.
Really? You're going to stop talking to parents because you thought they were "emotionally unavailable?" And you think you're the mature one? What idiot therapist suggested you do that?
Now, I'm going on your word here that there was no actual abuse. That's a different story. But, my GOD, the navel gazing with some young people today. Because, yes, what you're describing is an inevitable paradox of being so self-centered. "Boohoo, you didn't validate my feelings enough when I was a child so I'm to call you on it and if you don't fulfill your role in my little fantasy to my satisfaction even if it hurts your own feelings, I'm going to cut you off."
Talk about emotional manipulation.
Bold talk from the cohort who mastered emotional manipulation. Not a single person I've ever known distanced themselves from family for trivial reasons.
It's also telling that you always assume a therapist has manipulated a patient into a cut off. It isn't surprising because that is how you manage relationships. Relationships to you are all about manipulating people to get what you want. Also don't blame therapists for the cut offs. That isn't how therapy works. Adults get to choose the way they want their life to be and if it is in their best interest to distance themselves from family, so be it. Your cohort of peers have a hard time with change. You need to focus on yourself and your rude boundary overstepping.
1) OP explicitly said there was no abuse.
2) if you know so may people who have cut family off. That is a red flag. Like, not normal. At the very least you have confirmation bias big time.
3) It is well established that there are a lot of shitty therapists out there and they are encouraging this behavior.
4) Your feelings about this are not valid.
Anonymous wrote:Were a lot of parents super emotionally available in older generations? Love my parents, but they were/are not that way. I think the healthiest thing to do is just to use that as a "what not to do with my own kids" manual and just accept them as they are, shortcomings and all. Do I have a little bitterness at times? Sure. Bringing it up would not change anything because as you say the response (in my parents' case) would be for them to be very hurt, but they can't go back and do it all better than they did.
OP here, in my own case, the confrontation already happened and the parents are doubling down on attack, they are denying everything, and is speaking in a way that prop themselves up, pretend they were perfect parents. When confronted with more concrete things that are harder to deny, such as alcoholism (he is life-long alcoholic), or other specific examples, they went into full blown attack mode. Honestly, if they just acknowledge just a little bit of the truth, I would be willing to forgive.
OP, are you a parent yourself? I ask because when I was an adult in my 20s and early 30s before I had kids, I felt certain ways about how my mother raised me, including being too critical and too emotionally unavailable, and too controlling when I was a teen in some ways, and not controlling enough- not enough support or guidance or setting boundaries- in some other ways.
However since having my own children, my thoughts have shifted entirely. Some of what I used to feel so angry about, I now realize that she was trying her best and doing what she thought was correct for me, and I am not angry anymore. However, interestingly, some other things I feel even more strongly about, and I realize how easy it is to show your kids love and how putting down your own hobby and engaging with your child when they ask you to is a choice you make, and I have a hard time forgiving her for other things she did while raising me that maybe didn't even bother me before.
All this being said, I dont' bring any of it up with her, because what is the point. My childhood is over. She can't change it. Maybe I'm more emotionally distant than I would have been if I'd addressed this with her and worked it out in family therapy or whatever but I dont have time for that, I dont care enough, and I doubt shed be open to it, being the rather cold Austrian woman that she is. It's fine, she's fine, I'm fine, we get along fine even if i'm not eager to go out to lunch with her all the time or go shopping with her all the time or do things other adult women seem to enjoy doing with their mothers. Sometimes you just have to move on and realize life isnt perfect and people aren't perfect.
Thank you for the long reply, I appreciate it. Yes I have kids. And yes, I understand how complex parenting is, and no parent is perfect, I am not hanging on to old memories from childhood. But a specific instant prompted the confrontation, and they showed no humanity and went full blown attack, showed a side of them I didn't know existed. Would you mother abandon you (physically and emotionally, go no contact immediately) as soon as you shared your hurt feelings with her? No even wanting to "talk about it" or anything, just a switch of a button, go from one minute ago "oh, I love you so much, it's such a treat that you are visiting, we missed you so dearly" (yes, she is very verbal about her love like this), to one minute later "fine, bye, we don't know you anymore".
It sounds to me like they felt attacked. Did you attack them? I'm sure you think you didn't, but it very clearly seems to me like they felt attacked.
Oftentimes what we say and how we think we are expressing ourselves isn't the same as how we are perceived.
Did you make accusations? Allegations? I'm guessing you did.
I forget it who it was who said this, but today's younger people seem to walk around wanting an apology from their parents. Their parents, meanwhile, want a thank you.
When an emotionally unavailable parent perceives your need for connection or boundaries as an "attack,"
it stems from their own emotional immaturity, deep-seated issues (like trauma, neurodivergence), or fear of abandonment, causing them to feel criticized, rejected, or overwhelmed, leading to defensiveness, guilt-tripping, or stonewalling instead of empathy, because they lack the tools to handle vulnerability or responsibility for your feelings. They often see your emotional needs as demands on them, rather than normal relationship dynamics, and react by shutting down or blaming you
The real problem here is your arrogance in labeling them "emotionally unavailable parents." Plus all the weird therapy speak. You're the one that comes off looking immature. I'm sure you quite smugly think you're right. It's annoying ME -- I can only imagine what your poor parents think.
So, yes, it sounds to me like you attacked them. Baselessly. At some point, rational people realize there's no winning a circular argument and so they check out. What you see as emotional unavailability is just a self-preservation tactic. It's exhausing to have an unappreciative brat of a child haranguing you and calling you names.
You feel attacked, because you are one of those parents. Funny how you meantioned "weird therapy talk" whatever you meant by that. My parents also think that mental health is a hoax, that mentally ill people are just weak, that they just need to toughen up. After one of their children committed suicide, they acted "no clue" what happened. No clue why their child killed himself. Stop acting like them or you can speak for them. You have no idea.
Exactly. This person clearly views relationships as a competition of manipulation.
Seek help for your obvious personality disorder. You sound insane. Your projection is so typical though. Everything is about you, right? Always has been? NPD…
Anonymous wrote:I think being estranged for the reasons you describe is dumb and overdramatic and that there are a lot of therapists out there convincing people to break ties with loved ones over feelings that at the end of the day are really invalid and don't merit such dramatic action.
Really? You're going to stop talking to parents because you thought they were "emotionally unavailable?" And you think you're the mature one? What idiot therapist suggested you do that?
Now, I'm going on your word here that there was no actual abuse. That's a different story. But, my GOD, the navel gazing with some young people today. Because, yes, what you're describing is an inevitable paradox of being so self-centered. "Boohoo, you didn't validate my feelings enough when I was a child so I'm to call you on it and if you don't fulfill your role in my little fantasy to my satisfaction even if it hurts your own feelings, I'm going to cut you off."
Talk about emotional manipulation.
Bold talk from the cohort who mastered emotional manipulation. Not a single person I've ever known distanced themselves from family for trivial reasons.
It's also telling that you always assume a therapist has manipulated a patient into a cut off. It isn't surprising because that is how you manage relationships. Relationships to you are all about manipulating people to get what you want. Also don't blame therapists for the cut offs. That isn't how therapy works. Adults get to choose the way they want their life to be and if it is in their best interest to distance themselves from family, so be it. Your cohort of peers have a hard time with change. You need to focus on yourself and your rude boundary overstepping.
1) OP explicitly said there was no abuse.
2) if you know so may people who have cut family off. That is a red flag. Like, not normal. At the very least you have confirmation bias big time.
3) It is well established that there are a lot of shitty therapists out there and they are encouraging this behavior.
4) Your feelings about this are not valid.
Have a seat and be quiet.
OP here
Father is life-long alcoholic, mother enabled him. Emotional abuse all along, brother committed suicide at young age due to abuse, parents think it had nothing to do with them, that they are great parents, any display of negative emotion, towards or not towards them immediately set them off and they go into attack mode or shut down.
You have no knowledge on this topic, and you are clearly in the abuser cohort.
Anonymous wrote:Were a lot of parents super emotionally available in older generations? Love my parents, but they were/are not that way. I think the healthiest thing to do is just to use that as a "what not to do with my own kids" manual and just accept them as they are, shortcomings and all. Do I have a little bitterness at times? Sure. Bringing it up would not change anything because as you say the response (in my parents' case) would be for them to be very hurt, but they can't go back and do it all better than they did.
OP here, in my own case, the confrontation already happened and the parents are doubling down on attack, they are denying everything, and is speaking in a way that prop themselves up, pretend they were perfect parents. When confronted with more concrete things that are harder to deny, such as alcoholism (he is life-long alcoholic), or other specific examples, they went into full blown attack mode. Honestly, if they just acknowledge just a little bit of the truth, I would be willing to forgive.
OP, are you a parent yourself? I ask because when I was an adult in my 20s and early 30s before I had kids, I felt certain ways about how my mother raised me, including being too critical and too emotionally unavailable, and too controlling when I was a teen in some ways, and not controlling enough- not enough support or guidance or setting boundaries- in some other ways.
However since having my own children, my thoughts have shifted entirely. Some of what I used to feel so angry about, I now realize that she was trying her best and doing what she thought was correct for me, and I am not angry anymore. However, interestingly, some other things I feel even more strongly about, and I realize how easy it is to show your kids love and how putting down your own hobby and engaging with your child when they ask you to is a choice you make, and I have a hard time forgiving her for other things she did while raising me that maybe didn't even bother me before.
All this being said, I dont' bring any of it up with her, because what is the point. My childhood is over. She can't change it. Maybe I'm more emotionally distant than I would have been if I'd addressed this with her and worked it out in family therapy or whatever but I dont have time for that, I dont care enough, and I doubt shed be open to it, being the rather cold Austrian woman that she is. It's fine, she's fine, I'm fine, we get along fine even if i'm not eager to go out to lunch with her all the time or go shopping with her all the time or do things other adult women seem to enjoy doing with their mothers. Sometimes you just have to move on and realize life isnt perfect and people aren't perfect.
Thank you for the long reply, I appreciate it. Yes I have kids. And yes, I understand how complex parenting is, and no parent is perfect, I am not hanging on to old memories from childhood. But a specific instant prompted the confrontation, and they showed no humanity and went full blown attack, showed a side of them I didn't know existed. Would you mother abandon you (physically and emotionally, go no contact immediately) as soon as you shared your hurt feelings with her? No even wanting to "talk about it" or anything, just a switch of a button, go from one minute ago "oh, I love you so much, it's such a treat that you are visiting, we missed you so dearly" (yes, she is very verbal about her love like this), to one minute later "fine, bye, we don't know you anymore".
It sounds to me like they felt attacked. Did you attack them? I'm sure you think you didn't, but it very clearly seems to me like they felt attacked.
Oftentimes what we say and how we think we are expressing ourselves isn't the same as how we are perceived.
Did you make accusations? Allegations? I'm guessing you did.
I forget it who it was who said this, but today's younger people seem to walk around wanting an apology from their parents. Their parents, meanwhile, want a thank you.
When an emotionally unavailable parent perceives your need for connection or boundaries as an "attack,"
it stems from their own emotional immaturity, deep-seated issues (like trauma, neurodivergence), or fear of abandonment, causing them to feel criticized, rejected, or overwhelmed, leading to defensiveness, guilt-tripping, or stonewalling instead of empathy, because they lack the tools to handle vulnerability or responsibility for your feelings. They often see your emotional needs as demands on them, rather than normal relationship dynamics, and react by shutting down or blaming you
The real problem here is your arrogance in labeling them "emotionally unavailable parents." Plus all the weird therapy speak. You're the one that comes off looking immature. I'm sure you quite smugly think you're right. It's annoying ME -- I can only imagine what your poor parents think.
So, yes, it sounds to me like you attacked them. Baselessly. At some point, rational people realize there's no winning a circular argument and so they check out. What you see as emotional unavailability is just a self-preservation tactic. It's exhausing to have an unappreciative brat of a child haranguing you and calling you names.
You feel attacked, because you are one of those parents. Funny how you meantioned "weird therapy talk" whatever you meant by that. My parents also think that mental health is a hoax, that mentally ill people are just weak, that they just need to toughen up. After one of their children committed suicide, they acted "no clue" what happened. No clue why their child killed himself. Stop acting like them or you can speak for them. You have no idea.
Exactly. This person clearly views relationships as a competition of manipulation.
Seek help for your obvious personality disorder. You sound insane. Your projection is so typical though. Everything is about you, right? Always has been? NPD…
No, you are the only one on the tread who needs to shut up and seek help. You have zero self-awareness, literally no one agreed with you at all. - OP
Anonymous wrote:Were a lot of parents super emotionally available in older generations? Love my parents, but they were/are not that way. I think the healthiest thing to do is just to use that as a "what not to do with my own kids" manual and just accept them as they are, shortcomings and all. Do I have a little bitterness at times? Sure. Bringing it up would not change anything because as you say the response (in my parents' case) would be for them to be very hurt, but they can't go back and do it all better than they did.
OP here, in my own case, the confrontation already happened and the parents are doubling down on attack, they are denying everything, and is speaking in a way that prop themselves up, pretend they were perfect parents. When confronted with more concrete things that are harder to deny, such as alcoholism (he is life-long alcoholic), or other specific examples, they went into full blown attack mode. Honestly, if they just acknowledge just a little bit of the truth, I would be willing to forgive.
OP, are you a parent yourself? I ask because when I was an adult in my 20s and early 30s before I had kids, I felt certain ways about how my mother raised me, including being too critical and too emotionally unavailable, and too controlling when I was a teen in some ways, and not controlling enough- not enough support or guidance or setting boundaries- in some other ways.
However since having my own children, my thoughts have shifted entirely. Some of what I used to feel so angry about, I now realize that she was trying her best and doing what she thought was correct for me, and I am not angry anymore. However, interestingly, some other things I feel even more strongly about, and I realize how easy it is to show your kids love and how putting down your own hobby and engaging with your child when they ask you to is a choice you make, and I have a hard time forgiving her for other things she did while raising me that maybe didn't even bother me before.
All this being said, I dont' bring any of it up with her, because what is the point. My childhood is over. She can't change it. Maybe I'm more emotionally distant than I would have been if I'd addressed this with her and worked it out in family therapy or whatever but I dont have time for that, I dont care enough, and I doubt shed be open to it, being the rather cold Austrian woman that she is. It's fine, she's fine, I'm fine, we get along fine even if i'm not eager to go out to lunch with her all the time or go shopping with her all the time or do things other adult women seem to enjoy doing with their mothers. Sometimes you just have to move on and realize life isnt perfect and people aren't perfect.
Thank you for the long reply, I appreciate it. Yes I have kids. And yes, I understand how complex parenting is, and no parent is perfect, I am not hanging on to old memories from childhood. But a specific instant prompted the confrontation, and they showed no humanity and went full blown attack, showed a side of them I didn't know existed. Would you mother abandon you (physically and emotionally, go no contact immediately) as soon as you shared your hurt feelings with her? No even wanting to "talk about it" or anything, just a switch of a button, go from one minute ago "oh, I love you so much, it's such a treat that you are visiting, we missed you so dearly" (yes, she is very verbal about her love like this), to one minute later "fine, bye, we don't know you anymore".
It sounds to me like they felt attacked. Did you attack them? I'm sure you think you didn't, but it very clearly seems to me like they felt attacked.
Oftentimes what we say and how we think we are expressing ourselves isn't the same as how we are perceived.
Did you make accusations? Allegations? I'm guessing you did.
I forget it who it was who said this, but today's younger people seem to walk around wanting an apology from their parents. Their parents, meanwhile, want a thank you.
When an emotionally unavailable parent perceives your need for connection or boundaries as an "attack,"
it stems from their own emotional immaturity, deep-seated issues (like trauma, neurodivergence), or fear of abandonment, causing them to feel criticized, rejected, or overwhelmed, leading to defensiveness, guilt-tripping, or stonewalling instead of empathy, because they lack the tools to handle vulnerability or responsibility for your feelings. They often see your emotional needs as demands on them, rather than normal relationship dynamics, and react by shutting down or blaming you
The real problem here is your arrogance in labeling them "emotionally unavailable parents." Plus all the weird therapy speak. You're the one that comes off looking immature. I'm sure you quite smugly think you're right. It's annoying ME -- I can only imagine what your poor parents think.
So, yes, it sounds to me like you attacked them. Baselessly. At some point, rational people realize there's no winning a circular argument and so they check out. What you see as emotional unavailability is just a self-preservation tactic. It's exhausing to have an unappreciative brat of a child haranguing you and calling you names.
You feel attacked, because you are one of those parents. Funny how you meantioned "weird therapy talk" whatever you meant by that. My parents also think that mental health is a hoax, that mentally ill people are just weak, that they just need to toughen up. After one of their children committed suicide, they acted "no clue" what happened. No clue why their child killed himself. Stop acting like them or you can speak for them. You have no idea.
Darling, I've had plenty of therapy in my life so that's how I recognize the buzzwords and phrasings. My God, you spoke in cliches, a hodgepodge of clinical and therapy concepts that I'm sure you heard in sessions but didn't adequately understand or reflect on.
My guess is you had some fantasy for how your little confrontation was going to go. You've spent so much time navel gazing, hiding 'neath the covers and studying your pain (with apologies to the Boss) and obsessing about how "hurt" you are that you've never done the work of considering the perspectives of others. The original question seems to be like the first time it has ever occurred to you -- only this realization -- OMG OTHER PEOPLE HAVE FEELINGS TOO! MINE AREN'T THE ONLY ONES! -- happened only after you did something dramatic and catastrophic.
I notice how your response to my observations was to attack ME. I don't know you. But I know your type. I see this frequently in younger generations today -- everything bad that has ever happened to you is someone else's fault; your feelings weren't coddled; now people don't follow the script in your head when you imagine how telling them off is going to go. Boohoohoo.
Guess what, sweetheart? This is real life. Your parents DO have emotions. They might have learned to subvert them from you to put you first, but you'd better believe they have them. But don't you dare try to go in and tell them how they need to also study their own pain. Because let me tell you kid, they're probably GenX, and GenX did endure a lot of trauma. But we got the hell over it, we didn't wallow.
Stop wallowing. It's unseemly.
Thank you for the blah blah, now you have just exposed yourself. Don't skip your meds. You are not normal, you literally need professional help.
I’m fine. You’re the one who seems to have made a mess of your family life. An apology to your parents might help.
Haha, for someone who's been to LOTs of therapy to think other people's family life is mess, i can only imagine the horrible life you lived and you deserve it. enjoy your lonely final years on earth, next life, become a rock, that's more fitting.
Meh. I'm good. Happily married. Two kids who are launched but frequently in touch. I'm 54 and fortunate to have both of my parents still alive and thriving. Two siblings alive and well. A great job, good side hustle that I enjoy. Wife and I go out, enjoy each other. We volunteer in the community. We travel.
The fact that you assume someone has a "horrible life" because they are giving you real talk and telling you sad navel gazing and self-centeredness is more responsible for your predicament is very telling. Do you have a habit of lashing out at people like your parents and well-meaning strangers on the internet who are just giving you a different perspective than the one you want to hear? Do you have a lot of conflict in your life? I'm guessing you do.
Maybe see a professional to determine which personality disorder you have. You really don't have to live this way -- you can have a normal life if you get help. There are drugs that can help some conditions, too. Good luck.
LOL, sure, you are very funny, you live such a perfect happy life that you must go on someone else's tread to expose yourself and comment on things you have no experience in. Dream on. I did not know they let patients use computers at the mental hospital. Take your meds.
Anonymous wrote:Were a lot of parents super emotionally available in older generations? Love my parents, but they were/are not that way. I think the healthiest thing to do is just to use that as a "what not to do with my own kids" manual and just accept them as they are, shortcomings and all. Do I have a little bitterness at times? Sure. Bringing it up would not change anything because as you say the response (in my parents' case) would be for them to be very hurt, but they can't go back and do it all better than they did.
OP here, in my own case, the confrontation already happened and the parents are doubling down on attack, they are denying everything, and is speaking in a way that prop themselves up, pretend they were perfect parents. When confronted with more concrete things that are harder to deny, such as alcoholism (he is life-long alcoholic), or other specific examples, they went into full blown attack mode. Honestly, if they just acknowledge just a little bit of the truth, I would be willing to forgive.
OP, are you a parent yourself? I ask because when I was an adult in my 20s and early 30s before I had kids, I felt certain ways about how my mother raised me, including being too critical and too emotionally unavailable, and too controlling when I was a teen in some ways, and not controlling enough- not enough support or guidance or setting boundaries- in some other ways.
However since having my own children, my thoughts have shifted entirely. Some of what I used to feel so angry about, I now realize that she was trying her best and doing what she thought was correct for me, and I am not angry anymore. However, interestingly, some other things I feel even more strongly about, and I realize how easy it is to show your kids love and how putting down your own hobby and engaging with your child when they ask you to is a choice you make, and I have a hard time forgiving her for other things she did while raising me that maybe didn't even bother me before.
All this being said, I dont' bring any of it up with her, because what is the point. My childhood is over. She can't change it. Maybe I'm more emotionally distant than I would have been if I'd addressed this with her and worked it out in family therapy or whatever but I dont have time for that, I dont care enough, and I doubt shed be open to it, being the rather cold Austrian woman that she is. It's fine, she's fine, I'm fine, we get along fine even if i'm not eager to go out to lunch with her all the time or go shopping with her all the time or do things other adult women seem to enjoy doing with their mothers. Sometimes you just have to move on and realize life isnt perfect and people aren't perfect.
Thank you for the long reply, I appreciate it. Yes I have kids. And yes, I understand how complex parenting is, and no parent is perfect, I am not hanging on to old memories from childhood. But a specific instant prompted the confrontation, and they showed no humanity and went full blown attack, showed a side of them I didn't know existed. Would you mother abandon you (physically and emotionally, go no contact immediately) as soon as you shared your hurt feelings with her? No even wanting to "talk about it" or anything, just a switch of a button, go from one minute ago "oh, I love you so much, it's such a treat that you are visiting, we missed you so dearly" (yes, she is very verbal about her love like this), to one minute later "fine, bye, we don't know you anymore".
It sounds to me like they felt attacked. Did you attack them? I'm sure you think you didn't, but it very clearly seems to me like they felt attacked.
Oftentimes what we say and how we think we are expressing ourselves isn't the same as how we are perceived.
Did you make accusations? Allegations? I'm guessing you did.
I forget it who it was who said this, but today's younger people seem to walk around wanting an apology from their parents. Their parents, meanwhile, want a thank you.
When an emotionally unavailable parent perceives your need for connection or boundaries as an "attack,"
it stems from their own emotional immaturity, deep-seated issues (like trauma, neurodivergence), or fear of abandonment, causing them to feel criticized, rejected, or overwhelmed, leading to defensiveness, guilt-tripping, or stonewalling instead of empathy, because they lack the tools to handle vulnerability or responsibility for your feelings. They often see your emotional needs as demands on them, rather than normal relationship dynamics, and react by shutting down or blaming you
The real problem here is your arrogance in labeling them "emotionally unavailable parents." Plus all the weird therapy speak. You're the one that comes off looking immature. I'm sure you quite smugly think you're right. It's annoying ME -- I can only imagine what your poor parents think.
So, yes, it sounds to me like you attacked them. Baselessly. At some point, rational people realize there's no winning a circular argument and so they check out. What you see as emotional unavailability is just a self-preservation tactic. It's exhausing to have an unappreciative brat of a child haranguing you and calling you names.
You feel attacked, because you are one of those parents. Funny how you meantioned "weird therapy talk" whatever you meant by that. My parents also think that mental health is a hoax, that mentally ill people are just weak, that they just need to toughen up. After one of their children committed suicide, they acted "no clue" what happened. No clue why their child killed himself. Stop acting like them or you can speak for them. You have no idea.
Darling, I've had plenty of therapy in my life so that's how I recognize the buzzwords and phrasings. My God, you spoke in cliches, a hodgepodge of clinical and therapy concepts that I'm sure you heard in sessions but didn't adequately understand or reflect on.
My guess is you had some fantasy for how your little confrontation was going to go. You've spent so much time navel gazing, hiding 'neath the covers and studying your pain (with apologies to the Boss) and obsessing about how "hurt" you are that you've never done the work of considering the perspectives of others. The original question seems to be like the first time it has ever occurred to you -- only this realization -- OMG OTHER PEOPLE HAVE FEELINGS TOO! MINE AREN'T THE ONLY ONES! -- happened only after you did something dramatic and catastrophic.
I notice how your response to my observations was to attack ME. I don't know you. But I know your type. I see this frequently in younger generations today -- everything bad that has ever happened to you is someone else's fault; your feelings weren't coddled; now people don't follow the script in your head when you imagine how telling them off is going to go. Boohoohoo.
Guess what, sweetheart? This is real life. Your parents DO have emotions. They might have learned to subvert them from you to put you first, but you'd better believe they have them. But don't you dare try to go in and tell them how they need to also study their own pain. Because let me tell you kid, they're probably GenX, and GenX did endure a lot of trauma. But we got the hell over it, we didn't wallow.
Stop wallowing. It's unseemly.
Thank you for the blah blah, now you have just exposed yourself. Don't skip your meds. You are not normal, you literally need professional help.
I’m fine. You’re the one who seems to have made a mess of your family life. An apology to your parents might help.
Haha, for someone who's been to LOTs of therapy to think other people's family life is mess, i can only imagine the horrible life you lived and you deserve it. enjoy your lonely final years on earth, next life, become a rock, that's more fitting.
Meh. I'm good. Happily married. Two kids who are launched but frequently in touch. I'm 54 and fortunate to have both of my parents still alive and thriving. Two siblings alive and well. A great job, good side hustle that I enjoy. Wife and I go out, enjoy each other. We volunteer in the community. We travel.
The fact that you assume someone has a "horrible life" because they are giving you real talk and telling you sad navel gazing and self-centeredness is more responsible for your predicament is very telling. Do you have a habit of lashing out at people like your parents and well-meaning strangers on the internet who are just giving you a different perspective than the one you want to hear? Do you have a lot of conflict in your life? I'm guessing you do.
Maybe see a professional to determine which personality disorder you have. You really don't have to live this way -- you can have a normal life if you get help. There are drugs that can help some conditions, too. Good luck.
You are married? Oh what shame, divorce your wife because your soulmate the doormat mom have been found, you'd be so much happier with her.
Anonymous wrote:Were a lot of parents super emotionally available in older generations? Love my parents, but they were/are not that way. I think the healthiest thing to do is just to use that as a "what not to do with my own kids" manual and just accept them as they are, shortcomings and all. Do I have a little bitterness at times? Sure. Bringing it up would not change anything because as you say the response (in my parents' case) would be for them to be very hurt, but they can't go back and do it all better than they did.
OP here, in my own case, the confrontation already happened and the parents are doubling down on attack, they are denying everything, and is speaking in a way that prop themselves up, pretend they were perfect parents. When confronted with more concrete things that are harder to deny, such as alcoholism (he is life-long alcoholic), or other specific examples, they went into full blown attack mode. Honestly, if they just acknowledge just a little bit of the truth, I would be willing to forgive.
How arrogant of you.
Not pp. How moronic of you. Alcoholism is a valid reason for cutting off someone. How sick of you to minimize it. You boomers are a sick bunch.
Doubt OP is a boomer. Most of us have parents that are in their 90s or dead.
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
