Help me solve this family relationship paradox

[Anonymous]

This is based on partly my own experience, and partly my observation of other families and stories I heard from my therapist. When you are estranged from a parent for reasons that stem from the parent’s own upbringing (how they were raised), the more they deny their wrong doing or refuse to acknowledge your suffering, the more pain you feel and the further you pull away, and you hate them more and more, but if they accept the criticism and acknowledge your feelings, you start feeling bad about having brought it up, because now you opened their wounds. Note that I am not talking about offenses like sexual abuse or physical abuse, I am talking about issues caused by their own upbringing. For example, emotionally unavailable parents who were raised by emotionally unavailable parents themselves (maybe this is not a good example because I doubt emotionally unavailable parents would ever apologize?)
Do you ever feel this way? What are your thoughts on this paradox?

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Were a lot of parents super emotionally available in older generations? Love my parents, but they were/are not that way. I think the healthiest thing to do is just to use that as a "what not to do with my own kids" manual and just accept them as they are, shortcomings and all. Do I have a little bitterness at times? Sure. Bringing it up would not change anything because as you say the response (in my parents' case) would be for them to be very hurt, but they can't go back and do it all better than they did.

[Anonymous]

Everyone needs to solve their own crap. It doesn’t matter if your parents survived their own trauma. They don’t get to be complete screwup parents because of it. What a cop out.
The buck stopped w me as far as passing along generational trauma.
I’ll not have cruel abusive ppl in my ( or my children’s ) lives just because they’re family.

[Anonymous]

I'm interested in this topic. Is it really a paradox? I get that either path forward will include some pain. Is that what you mean by paradox?

I do think emotionally unavailable parents could end up apologizing. People are able to grow and change.

I think some of the reason I don't bring up some childhood pain issues associated with unmet emotional needs is that I don't want my parents to feel bad. I've long been in a role of trying to protect their feelings.

Is the paradox that either I leave that alone and sit in pain by myself or that I bring it up and still have pain?

Potentially with the latter path healing can open up? I don't know. I just recently started therapy so thinking about this is still new to me.

[Anonymous]

I think being estranged for the reasons you describe is dumb and overdramatic and that there are a lot of therapists out there convincing people to break ties with loved ones over feelings that at the end of the day are really invalid and don't merit such dramatic action.

Really? You're going to stop talking to parents because you thought they were "emotionally unavailable?" And you think you're the mature one? What idiot therapist suggested you do that?

Now, I'm going on your word here that there was no actual abuse. That's a different story. But, my GOD, the navel gazing with some young people today. Because, yes, what you're describing is an inevitable paradox of being so self-centered. "Boohoo, you didn't validate my feelings enough when I was a child so I'm to call you on it and if you don't fulfill your role in my little fantasy to my satisfaction even if it hurts your own feelings, I'm going to cut you off."

Talk about emotional manipulation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Were a lot of parents super emotionally available in older generations? Love my parents, but they were/are not that way. I think the healthiest thing to do is just to use that as a "what not to do with my own kids" manual and just accept them as they are, shortcomings and all. Do I have a little bitterness at times? Sure. Bringing it up would not change anything because as you say the response (in my parents' case) would be for them to be very hurt, but they can't go back and do it all better than they did.

OP here, in my own case, the confrontation already happened and the parents are doubling down on attack, they are denying everything, and is speaking in a way that prop themselves up, pretend they were perfect parents. When confronted with more concrete things that are harder to deny, such as alcoholism (he is life-long alcoholic), or other specific examples, they went into full blown attack mode. Honestly, if they just acknowledge just a little bit of the truth, I would be willing to forgive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were a lot of parents super emotionally available in older generations? Love my parents, but they were/are not that way. I think the healthiest thing to do is just to use that as a "what not to do with my own kids" manual and just accept them as they are, shortcomings and all. Do I have a little bitterness at times? Sure. Bringing it up would not change anything because as you say the response (in my parents' case) would be for them to be very hurt, but they can't go back and do it all better than they did.

OP here, in my own case, the confrontation already happened and the parents are doubling down on attack, they are denying everything, and is speaking in a way that prop themselves up, pretend they were perfect parents. When confronted with more concrete things that are harder to deny, such as alcoholism (he is life-long alcoholic), or other specific examples, they went into full blown attack mode. Honestly, if they just acknowledge just a little bit of the truth, I would be willing to forgive.

How arrogant of you.

[Anonymous]

There’s a reason you’re estranged. I wouldn’t bother trying to decipher their deep inner workings. Take your peace. Enjoy your calm.

I really like the picture about generational trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think being estranged for the reasons you describe is dumb and overdramatic and that there are a lot of therapists out there convincing people to break ties with loved ones over feelings that at the end of the day are really invalid and don't merit such dramatic action.

Really? You're going to stop talking to parents because you thought they were "emotionally unavailable?" And you think you're the mature one? What idiot therapist suggested you do that?

Now, I'm going on your word here that there was no actual abuse. That's a different story. But, my GOD, the navel gazing with some young people today. Because, yes, what you're describing is an inevitable paradox of being so self-centered. "Boohoo, you didn't validate my feelings enough when I was a child so I'm to call you on it and if you don't fulfill your role in my little fantasy to my satisfaction even if it hurts your own feelings, I'm going to cut you off."

Talk about emotional manipulation.

Having emotionally unavailable parents itself is very very painful, you don't know because you never experienced it. It is like drowning and crying for your parents to give you a hand and pull you up, but they watch you and sat there in silence.

[Anonymous]

The thing I don’t understand in these situations is other than clear abuse, which is not the experience for the majority of people, why are you trusting that your interpretation of a situation is correct? We look at things through the lens of where we are at. What 10 year old is correct that, “mom loves you best?” I feel so much of this is adults not willing to think maybe their child self is having a child like response/remembrance? Do none of you have kids? Do none of you see the outsized emotional responses to small situations? But all your remembrances were/are accurate? And you say the parents are the Narcissists 😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing I don’t understand in these situations is other than clear abuse, which is not the experience for the majority of people, why are you trusting that your interpretation of a situation is correct? We look at things through the lens of where we are at. What 10 year old is correct that, “mom loves you best?” I feel so much of this is adults not willing to think maybe their child self is having a child like response/remembrance? Do none of you have kids? Do none of you see the outsized emotional responses to small situations? But all your remembrances were/are accurate? And you say the parents are the Narcissists 😂

If you know you know, but you don't, so stay out of this. None of what you described is accurate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think being estranged for the reasons you describe is dumb and overdramatic and that there are a lot of therapists out there convincing people to break ties with loved ones over feelings that at the end of the day are really invalid and don't merit such dramatic action.

Really? You're going to stop talking to parents because you thought they were "emotionally unavailable?" And you think you're the mature one? What idiot therapist suggested you do that?

Now, I'm going on your word here that there was no actual abuse. That's a different story. But, my GOD, the navel gazing with some young people today. Because, yes, what you're describing is an inevitable paradox of being so self-centered. "Boohoo, you didn't validate my feelings enough when I was a child so I'm to call you on it and if you don't fulfill your role in my little fantasy to my satisfaction even if it hurts your own feelings, I'm going to cut you off."

Talk about emotional manipulation.

Having emotionally unavailable parents itself is very very painful, you don't know because you never experienced it. It is like drowning and crying for your parents to give you a hand and pull you up, but they watch you and sat there in silence.

Or, you're like an endless vat of need and no amount of validation would ever be enough. You're still acting like this as an adult.

Yes, they have their own emotions and needs. It's almost like you've just realized this for the first time.

"Emotionally unavailable." That's usually a defense mechanism when someone is an emotional vampire. The petulance of estrangement for this is beyond the pale. Get help for your own defects and stop blaming others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing I don’t understand in these situations is other than clear abuse, which is not the experience for the majority of people, why are you trusting that your interpretation of a situation is correct? We look at things through the lens of where we are at. What 10 year old is correct that, “mom loves you best?” I feel so much of this is adults not willing to think maybe their child self is having a child like response/remembrance? Do none of you have kids? Do none of you see the outsized emotional responses to small situations? But all your remembrances were/are accurate? And you say the parents are the Narcissists 😂

I do think it's much easier to remember times you were hurting than other times. That can skew perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm interested in this topic. Is it really a paradox? I get that either path forward will include some pain. Is that what you mean by paradox?

I do think emotionally unavailable parents could end up apologizing. People are able to grow and change.

I think some of the reason I don't bring up some childhood pain issues associated with unmet emotional needs is that I don't want my parents to feel bad. I've long been in a role of trying to protect their feelings.

Is the paradox that either I leave that alone and sit in pain by myself or that I bring it up and still have pain?

Potentially with the latter path healing can open up? I don't know. I just recently started therapy so thinking about this is still new to me.

I am OP, having done it, I would probably suggest you NOT to tell them about how you feel unless you are certain they are such open-minded people that will be willing to see things from your perspective. Otherwise, they might become extremely defensive and start attack you and make you feel even more unloved and useless. Trust me, that pain is beyond words, it had caused suicide in my family.

The reason I did it is that 1. I thought they were nice people, and are intelligent enough to see things from a different lens. 2. I wanted to feel close to them. The result unfortunately is I feel like wow I didn't know them at all, they are actually so evil and soul-less. It blew my mind. I would have never ever expected them to behave the way they are. So yeah, maybe just sweep it under the rug and carry one? That's what my parents would have done LOL.