Reply to Help me solve this family relationship paradox

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "Help me solve this family relationship paradox"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Were a lot of parents super emotionally available in older generations? Love my parents, but they were/are not that way. I think the healthiest thing to do is just to use that as a "what not to do with my own kids" manual and just accept them as they are, shortcomings and all. Do I have a little bitterness at times? Sure. Bringing it up would not change anything because as you say the response (in my parents' case) would be for them to be very hurt, but they can't go back and do it all better than they did.[/quote]

OP here, in my own case, the confrontation already happened and the parents are doubling down on attack, they are denying everything, and is speaking in a way that prop themselves up, pretend they were perfect parents.  When confronted with more concrete things that are harder to deny, such as alcoholism (he is life-long alcoholic), or other specific examples, they went into full blown attack mode.  Honestly, if they just acknowledge just a little bit of the truth, I would be willing to forgive.  [/quote]

OP, are you a parent yourself?  I ask because when I was an adult in my 20s and early 30s before I had kids, I felt certain ways about how my mother raised me, including being too critical and too emotionally unavailable, and too controlling when I was a teen in some ways, and not controlling enough- not enough support or guidance or setting boundaries- in some other ways.

However since having my own children, my thoughts have shifted entirely.  Some of what I used to feel so angry about, I now realize that she was trying her best and doing what she thought was correct for me, and I am not angry anymore.  However, interestingly, some other things I feel even more strongly about, and I realize how easy it is to show your kids love and how putting down your own hobby and engaging with your child when they ask you to is a choice you make, and I have a hard time forgiving her for other things she did while raising me that maybe didn't even bother me before.

All this being said, I dont' bring any of it up with her, because what is the point.  My childhood is over.  She can't change it.  Maybe I'm more emotionally distant than I would have been if I'd addressed this with her and worked it out in family therapy or whatever but I dont have time for that, I dont care enough, and I doubt shed be open to it, being the rather cold Austrian woman that she is.  It's fine, she's fine, I'm fine, we get along fine even if i'm not eager to go out to lunch with her all the time or go shopping with her all the time or do things other adult women seem to enjoy doing with their mothers.  Sometimes you just have to move on and realize life isnt perfect and people aren't perfect.  [/quote]

Thank you for the long reply, I appreciate it.  Yes I have kids.  And yes, I understand how complex parenting is, and no parent is perfect, I am not hanging on to old memories from childhood.  But a specific instant prompted the confrontation, and they showed no humanity and went full blown attack, showed a side of them I didn't know existed.  Would you mother abandon you (physically and emotionally, go no contact immediately) as soon as you shared your hurt feelings with her?  No even wanting to "talk about it" or anything, just a switch of a button, go from one minute ago "oh, I love you so much, it's such a treat that you are visiting, we missed you so dearly" (yes, she is very verbal about her love like this), to one minute later "fine, bye, we don't know you anymore".  [/quote]

It sounds to me like they felt attacked. Did you attack them? I'm sure you think you didn't, but it very clearly seems to me like they felt attacked.

Oftentimes what we say and how we think we are expressing ourselves isn't the same as how we are perceived.

Did you make accusations? Allegations? I'm guessing you did.

I forget it who it was who said this, but today's younger people seem to walk around wanting an apology from their parents. Their parents, meanwhile, want a thank you.

[/quote]

When an emotionally unavailable parent perceives your need for connection or boundaries as an "attack,"
it stems from their own emotional immaturity, deep-seated issues (like trauma, neurodivergence), or fear of abandonment, causing them to feel criticized, rejected, or overwhelmed, leading to defensiveness, guilt-tripping, or stonewalling instead of empathy, because they lack the tools to handle vulnerability or responsibility for your feelings. They often see your emotional needs as demands on them, rather than normal relationship dynamics, and react by shutting down or blaming you[/quote]

The real problem here is your arrogance in labeling them "emotionally unavailable parents." Plus all the weird therapy speak. You're the one that comes off looking immature. I'm sure you quite smugly think you're right. It's annoying ME -- I can only imagine what your poor parents think.

So, yes, it sounds to me like you attacked them. Baselessly. At some point, rational people realize there's no winning a circular argument and so they check out. What you see as emotional unavailability is just a self-preservation tactic. It's exhausing to have an unappreciative brat of a child haranguing you and calling you names. [/quote]

You feel attacked, because you are one of those parents.  Funny how you meantioned "weird therapy talk" whatever you meant by that.  My parents also think that mental health is a hoax, that mentally ill people are just weak, that they just need to toughen up.  After one of their children committed suicide, they acted "no clue" what happened.  No clue why their child killed himself.  Stop acting like them or you can speak for them.  You have no idea.  [/quote]

Exactly. This person clearly views relationships as a competition of manipulation. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics