What consequences for a disrespectful kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what are you mad about? The reaction sounds disproportionate to the act. Would suggest you look into why you went after her so hard. What is causing you stress about her sleeping in? Is it unrelated to her actions? Is she behind in school? You want natural consequences - she missed practice because she overslept, she doesn't get school work done so she has to stay up late to get it done and then she is tired all week. If she has family obligations- she doesn't get allowance until the chores are done. Teens are going through a period of separation - developmentally normal, so they will push you away and avoid you as they go through this normal process. You are certainly making the process easier for her, but making it harder for you to maintain a relationship she wants to come up to once she leaves the next.

OP here. Thank you for saying this. I will have to rethink the way I am handling it.

She had a whole bunch of chores to do yesterday after she took Saturday to just chill and do nothing.

She did none of the chores she was asked to do and was on her computer all day yesterday.

Her room was a mess, her stuff all laying around the house (things she was asked to put away), her laundry basket was overflowing, last week's laundry dumped in another room and not folded because she was busy with homework the whole of last week. She did not unload the dishwasher which was her job, her jackets and shoes were dumped in the coat closet and not put back.

She never puts the plate in the sink after a meal, has drink cups and books laying around everywhere and nothing I say gets to her. I constantly have to clean up after her and I was done with this behavior.

Basically, she did not do any of her chores and decided to be on the computer or phone past 2 days and her not waking up was the straw on the camel's back today.

But removing the lamp and door and screaming at her solves none of this.

The logical consequence is that she can’t go anywhere or do anything she wants to do until chores are done and room is clean.

Maybe she loses her computer if she’s using it for fun and avoiding chores, but you say she didn’t get her chores done because she was working on homework. Are you really punishing her for spending all her energy on homework? Is she in too hard of classes? Is she anxious or depressed? Does she have adhd or a learning disability?

OP. You misunderstood - the homework was during the week so she put off all the rest for the weekend. And when the weekend came she just chilled both days between the phone and the computer (playing games).

No learning disability, not depressed, ahead in class. She got up late and now she is still not asleep. I can hear her singing in her room.

I didn't remove her door or lamp. It was an idle threat but in hindsight I shouldn't have said that or screamed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dont think making someone wake up at 11am is controlling or arbitrary. I do think yelling about it or removing a door is an over step. If the awake by 11am thing was previously in place in their household, OP was in the right to wake her.

I would have a time when she needs to turn in her phone, away from her bed room. Not as a punishment, as a general healthy rule.

I would have a separate talk and consequences for not completing chores.

All of what OP has stated about dislike of behavior is control issues. Time to drop the rope a little

[Anonymous]

give consequences for not doing chores, that’s fine.
give grace to a kid who got all her homework done and needed a chill day.
throwing a fit about “disrespect” when you just went ape over her sleeping of all things… is ridiculous. Kids are out there sneaking around to do crazy shit - drinking, drugs, truly physically dangerous behavior - and you’re blowing your stack about sleep? And even more kids are messing up constantly at school. Kids are cutting, kids are sending nudes, kids are having sex with age inappropriate people. I could go on and on. So frankly, whoa. please try to reset. You do not have big problems, you have typical run of the mill teen problems.

ask her to make a list of what she thinks are reasonable chores for her to do each week. Start from there. Then after two weeks check in and see how it’s going. Ask her to add 1 more.
And repeat.
Show that you care about her level of stress and overwhelm, and she will be way more likely to care about your need for her to help with chores. That’s how you start a cycle of mutual respect.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused about the waking up before 11 am on holiday part. Were you celebrating a holiday yesterday?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:give consequences for not doing chores, that’s fine.
give grace to a kid who got all her homework done and needed a chill day.
throwing a fit about “disrespect” when you just went ape over her sleeping of all things… is ridiculous. Kids are out there sneaking around to do crazy shit - drinking, drugs, truly physically dangerous behavior - and you’re blowing your stack about sleep? And even more kids are messing up constantly at school. Kids are cutting, kids are sending nudes, kids are having sex with age inappropriate people. I could go on and on. So frankly, whoa. please try to reset. You do not have big problems, you have typical run of the mill teen problems.

ask her to make a list of what she thinks are reasonable chores for her to do each week. Start from there. Then after two weeks check in and see how it’s going. Ask her to add 1 more.
And repeat.
Show that you care about her level of stress and overwhelm, and she will be way more likely to care about your need for her to help with chores. That’s how you start a cycle of mutual respect.

OP. Thank you for the advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused about the waking up before 11 am on holiday part. Were you celebrating a holiday yesterday?

As in day off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yelling solves nothing. I was once like this and had to take a hard look at myself and spent time making changes. I found a person to talk to to try to understand why I was so emotional when I felt like the teens weren't doing as they were expected and that I was losing control over the house. These are control issues and I'll tell you after a couple years looking back, I am still repairing relationships with my older teens and working hard to remain calm when things go wrong (minor car accident, coming home late, email from teachers about missing assignments). Honestly, remaining calm allows for a conversation and for appropriate consequences and hopefully learning to take place.

Are we perfect no, but our kids look up to us and your behavior toward your daughter explains why she yells and disrespects. You probably need to apologize for the overreaction. Good luck OP

OP. Thank you. I will apologize to her in the morning and I will have to change the way I deal with her.

[Anonymous]

It depends what time she usually gets up. If she's sleeping multiple extra hours she is messing up her sleep cycle which will cause problems later in the week as she tries to sleep. That's a huge part of why teens are always so tired. They have terribly inconsistent sleep patterns.

Screaming at her wasn't ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused about the waking up before 11 am on holiday part. Were you celebrating a holiday yesterday?

As in day off

Ok. I guess I've not heard weekends referred to as holidays.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know about your kids, but when mine are doing activities sometimes they have 10-12 hour days between school and activities and THEN they have to do homework. I work 8 hours and sometimes have a little to do when I get home, but no I’m not working 10-12 hour days. And although several of those hours are sports or theater or whatnot and are seemingly fun for them, it’s still physical energy being spent as well as emotional energy navigating friendships and social situations and dealing with the whims of the adults in charge. On top of the stress of being a teen and getting into an amazing college by doing a gazillion activities and needing leadership roles etc etc…there’s a lot on our teens plates right now.

Think about how tired they must be and then their weekends need to be taken up by homework and chores….I would want to disassociate as well.

Gain back control by putting parental controls on the phone implement downtimes of the phone and limit social media apps when possible. Be clear with physical lists of what her household expectations are, but make sure you’re not putting too much on her. My teens are in charge of their own laundry and emptying the dishwasher every other day. No food allowed in their rooms and never has been allowed. A lot of other stuff we let slide. If their own rooms are messy—who cares? Just close your door. If they don’t hang up their coat, we remind them. Every so often I call a 5 minute everyone clean a common area family tidy—I set a timer and they know not to just linger in their rooms if they’re putting away an item, it needs to be a constant 5 minutes and then the common areas are a lot better. I’m not always diligent about everything so I don’t expect my teens to be, I don’t hold them to a higher standard.


Good luck op. You can do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what are you mad about? The reaction sounds disproportionate to the act. Would suggest you look into why you went after her so hard. What is causing you stress about her sleeping in? Is it unrelated to her actions? Is she behind in school? You want natural consequences - she missed practice because she overslept, she doesn't get school work done so she has to stay up late to get it done and then she is tired all week. If she has family obligations- she doesn't get allowance until the chores are done. Teens are going through a period of separation - developmentally normal, so they will push you away and avoid you as they go through this normal process. You are certainly making the process easier for her, but making it harder for you to maintain a relationship she wants to come up to once she leaves the next.

OP here. Thank you for saying this. I will have to rethink the way I am handling it.

She had a whole bunch of chores to do yesterday after she took Saturday to just chill and do nothing.

She did none of the chores she was asked to do and was on her computer all day yesterday.

Her room was a mess, her stuff all laying around the house (things she was asked to put away), her laundry basket was overflowing, last week's laundry dumped in another room and not folded because she was busy with homework the whole of last week. She did not unload the dishwasher which was her job, her jackets and shoes were dumped in the coat closet and not put back.

She never puts the plate in the sink after a meal, has drink cups and books laying around everywhere and nothing I say gets to her. I constantly have to clean up after her and I was done with this behavior.

Basically, she did not do any of her chores and decided to be on the computer or phone past 2 days and her not waking up was the straw on the camel's back today.

1. picking up around the house and dishwasher... don't make that an open ended chore, set a time: ask her to set a time she will do this, set a timer, don't nag.
2. Laundry: don't micromanage this... if her clothes are wrinkled or dirty it's a natural consequence.
3. Bedroom: This is her area, don't micromanage and if you can't stand looking at it, don't look at it.
4. Give her one drink cup and that is the one she uses, my kids each have a Yeti and they use that and only that except when we sit together for dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know about your kids, but when mine are doing activities sometimes they have 10-12 hour days between school and activities and THEN they have to do homework. I work 8 hours and sometimes have a little to do when I get home, but no I’m not working 10-12 hour days. And although several of those hours are sports or theater or whatnot and are seemingly fun for them, it’s still physical energy being spent as well as emotional energy navigating friendships and social situations and dealing with the whims of the adults in charge. On top of the stress of being a teen and getting into an amazing college by doing a gazillion activities and needing leadership roles etc etc…there’s a lot on our teens plates right now.

Think about how tired they must be and then their weekends need to be taken up by homework and chores….I would want to disassociate as well.

Gain back control by putting parental controls on the phone implement downtimes of the phone and limit social media apps when possible. Be clear with physical lists of what her household expectations are, but make sure you’re not putting too much on her. My teens are in charge of their own laundry and emptying the dishwasher every other day. No food allowed in their rooms and never has been allowed. A lot of other stuff we let slide. If their own rooms are messy—who cares? Just close your door. If they don’t hang up their coat, we remind them. Every so often I call a 5 minute everyone clean a common area family tidy—I set a timer and they know not to just linger in their rooms if they’re putting away an item, it needs to be a constant 5 minutes and then the common areas are a lot better. I’m not always diligent about everything so I don’t expect my teens to be, I don’t hold them to a higher standard.


Good luck op. You can do this.

Op here. Thank you! I wish I knew you in person. You seem to have a good outlook and instead of just getting on me for screaming, you're actually giving constructive criticism with advice.

I apologized to her this morning for screaming yesterday and she was surprised and asked what was wrong with me. She seemed to be happy and it made me happy too. So unlike our usual Mondays when she is cranky and sulking

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP what are you mad about? The reaction sounds disproportionate to the act. Would suggest you look into why you went after her so hard. What is causing you stress about her sleeping in? Is it unrelated to her actions? Is she behind in school? You want natural consequences - she missed practice because she overslept, she doesn't get school work done so she has to stay up late to get it done and then she is tired all week. If she has family obligations- she doesn't get allowance until the chores are done. Teens are going through a period of separation - developmentally normal, so they will push you away and avoid you as they go through this normal process. You are certainly making the process easier for her, but making it harder for you to maintain a relationship she wants to come up to once she leaves the next.

OP here. Thank you for saying this. I will have to rethink the way I am handling it.

She had a whole bunch of chores to do yesterday after she took Saturday to just chill and do nothing.

She did none of the chores she was asked to do and was on her computer all day yesterday.

Her room was a mess, her stuff all laying around the house (things she was asked to put away), her laundry basket was overflowing, last week's laundry dumped in another room and not folded because she was busy with homework the whole of last week. She did not unload the dishwasher which was her job, her jackets and shoes were dumped in the coat closet and not put back.

She never puts the plate in the sink after a meal, has drink cups and books laying around everywhere and nothing I say gets to her. I constantly have to clean up after her and I was done with this behavior.

Basically, she did not do any of her chores and decided to be on the computer or phone past 2 days and her not waking up was the straw on the camel's back today.

1. picking up around the house and dishwasher... don't make that an open ended chore, set a time: ask her to set a time she will do this, set a timer, don't nag.
2. Laundry: don't micromanage this... if her clothes are wrinkled or dirty it's a natural consequence.
3. Bedroom: This is her area, don't micromanage and if you can't stand looking at it, don't look at it.
4. Give her one drink cup and that is the one she uses, my kids each have a Yeti and they use that and only that except when we sit together for dinner.

Op here. Thank you! This is good advice.

[Anonymous]

To OP, I’m glad you are listening to some of the advice! My kids can be difficult and I’ve had to learn to pick my battles. I was one of the posters who told you to let her sleep.

I still have rules and things they need to do but also follow natural consequences now and yell a lot less. It works better.

For example, I’ve stopped doing their laundry. If they don’t have clothes it’s on them. If they don’t have their uniforms or practice gear ready it’s on them.

I’ll calmly tell them they need to do something before practice or before I’m driving to the and we simply won’t go. It’s time to leave and that frying pan is still dirty in the sink? You better wash it…

I’m reasonable, but firm. I’ve let it go on sleeping. That’s on them as long as they let me sleep at night and wake up for school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know about your kids, but when mine are doing activities sometimes they have 10-12 hour days between school and activities and THEN they have to do homework. I work 8 hours and sometimes have a little to do when I get home, but no I’m not working 10-12 hour days. And although several of those hours are sports or theater or whatnot and are seemingly fun for them, it’s still physical energy being spent as well as emotional energy navigating friendships and social situations and dealing with the whims of the adults in charge. On top of the stress of being a teen and getting into an amazing college by doing a gazillion activities and needing leadership roles etc etc…there’s a lot on our teens plates right now.

Think about how tired they must be and then their weekends need to be taken up by homework and chores….I would want to disassociate as well.

Gain back control by putting parental controls on the phone implement downtimes of the phone and limit social media apps when possible. Be clear with physical lists of what her household expectations are, but make sure you’re not putting too much on her. My teens are in charge of their own laundry and emptying the dishwasher every other day. No food allowed in their rooms and never has been allowed. A lot of other stuff we let slide. If their own rooms are messy—who cares? Just close your door. If they don’t hang up their coat, we remind them. Every so often I call a 5 minute everyone clean a common area family tidy—I set a timer and they know not to just linger in their rooms if they’re putting away an item, it needs to be a constant 5 minutes and then the common areas are a lot better. I’m not always diligent about everything so I don’t expect my teens to be, I don’t hold them to a higher standard.


Good luck op. You can do this.

Op here. Thank you! I wish I knew you in person. You seem to have a good outlook and instead of just getting on me for screaming, you're actually giving constructive criticism with advice.

I apologized to her this morning for screaming yesterday and she was surprised and asked what was wrong with me. She seemed to be happy and it made me happy too. So unlike our usual Mondays when she is cranky and sulking

You’re welcome! It would be funny if we really did know each other in real life

I’m glad you apologized. I also apologize to my kids if I don’t handle something they way I feel I should have. It is important to show them that a) we don’t have to be perfect all the time, and b) when you make a mistake an apology is warranted and won’t kill you even if it feels uncomfortable.

I yelled at my kids more when they were little and it always felt awful. It was when I felt out of control, and that’s on me. I worked through a lot of things and got to a stage where I rarely raise my voice. Thankfully I have some pretty good kids who are far from perfect, but have really come into their own and overall make good decisions.

My house isn’t always clean and I hope they are better about keeping their rooms clean in college 😁, but we have a good, open relationship and that’s more important to me than laundry put away and the other stuff. They aren’t allowed to be total slobs, but a lot of stuff just isn’t worth the arguing.

Again, op, I wish you good luck! I see you taking the advice given to you here and implementing it, which means you’re on your way