Why won’t he take his stuff?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you box them up and leave them where the children have to step over and around them. Keep your anger and feelings away from your kids - trying to make them have a constant reminder of what he did to you is petty and harmful to the kids.

It is also still his house unless you have bought him out of it. DId he ask you to pack up his belongings?

Sounds like neither of you are thinking of the kids and both are just mad at each other and trying to inconvinience the other.

Hardly that. I’ve boxed what I can in his office but the kids see the stuff every time they go to use the printer. My attorney suggested moving the stuff to the garage but they would see it there even more frequently.

Per temporary orders, I have sole use of our marital house and have the ability to file a motion for him to remove his stuff. But that’s the legal part. I just don’t understand the psychology of not wanting your stuff when you have a whole separate house that’s yours and yours alone. What’s even more strange and a separate thread is that he refuses to tell me where it is, won’t tell the children where it is, and is trying to get custody but apparently (per his attorney from a 1:1 conversation with my attorney) “doesn’t have time” to set up rooms for the kids.

It’s bonkers. I think he filed but somehow thought I would just pack my stuff, sell the house for him, and disappear from his life with zero hassle or effort. Now that he realizes that’s not how it works he seems exhausted and overwhelmed.

Just file the motion and quit being dramatic pretending that the kids are upset.

The kids are upset. Wouldn’t you be if you went to print something for school and saw your dad’s stuff but haven’t been seeing your dad? Of all the things to pretend about the last thing I would fake is the emotions of children.

Interestingly DH has claimed the kids aren’t upset and will be happy to see him happy. I think that arguments about the kids’ feelings not being real is something that gets trotted out by absent dads/men’s rights types.

Um. Move the printer?

Can’t do that or there wouldn’t be any drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, OP, having seen your update - I doubt your ex has a house. He's probably living with an affair partner or couch surfing, but saying he has a house because he is trying to get partial custody and wants to appear stable.

As to your question, I can just tell you that my husband's ex did the same thing. She left nearly all her stuff at the house other than clothes. Apparently she wanted to start anew. I mean she even left stuff like medical records! And her engagement ring!

My husband never cleaned it all out so *I* had to do it. He had a provision in his divorce agreement that she had until a certain date to come get her stuff and after a certain date, everything in the house was presumed his. I moved in four years after this date, so we decided we had the right to toss it all.

He plans to sell the engagement ring for his kids' college tuition.

OP and my DH left extensive medical records documenting mental illness and other things which impair his ability to parent and/or show that he is not in compliance with medical professionals’ treatment recommendations. And yet he is trying to hide his medical history during the divorce process and custody evaluation. It’s crazy that he doesn’t realize that all his papers are just sitting in our kitchen desk drawer, or that he thinks I can’t see them?

Bizarrely, I found multiple engagement rings in his stuff. And none of them are mine. I have documented the find with my attorney so I can’t be accused of stealing or hiding them, but hopefully he doesn’t claim them because at some point I’ll need the money.

Does your lawyer know about the medical records? Ask if you can use them.

Oh yes, we can absolutely use them as-is. But as part of the parenting evaluation that DH’s attorney arrogantly ordered for him, the same medical records will be requested in discovery and/or subpoenaed because they are directly related to his ability to provide care for our children.

[Anonymous]

And I’ll add that if any attorney is reading this, we are not going straight to a subpoena and I am not bringing medical records to court of something. First we’ll go through interrogatories and discovery to see if he tells the truth about seeing these medical professionals and then go from there. Discussing his diagnoses may not even be necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you box them up and leave them where the children have to step over and around them. Keep your anger and feelings away from your kids - trying to make them have a constant reminder of what he did to you is petty and harmful to the kids.

It is also still his house unless you have bought him out of it. DId he ask you to pack up his belongings?

Sounds like neither of you are thinking of the kids and both are just mad at each other and trying to inconvinience the other.

Hardly that. I’ve boxed what I can in his office but the kids see the stuff every time they go to use the printer. My attorney suggested moving the stuff to the garage but they would see it there even more frequently.

Per temporary orders, I have sole use of our marital house and have the ability to file a motion for him to remove his stuff. But that’s the legal part. I just don’t understand the psychology of not wanting your stuff when you have a whole separate house that’s yours and yours alone. What’s even more strange and a separate thread is that he refuses to tell me where it is, won’t tell the children where it is, and is trying to get custody but apparently (per his attorney from a 1:1 conversation with my attorney) “doesn’t have time” to set up rooms for the kids.

It’s bonkers. I think he filed but somehow thought I would just pack my stuff, sell the house for him, and disappear from his life with zero hassle or effort. Now that he realizes that’s not how it works he seems exhausted and overwhelmed.

Just file the motion and quit being dramatic pretending that the kids are upset.

The kids are upset. Wouldn’t you be if you went to print something for school and saw your dad’s stuff but haven’t been seeing your dad? Of all the things to pretend about the last thing I would fake is the emotions of children.

Interestingly DH has claimed the kids aren’t upset and will be happy to see him happy. I think that arguments about the kids’ feelings not being real is something that gets trotted out by absent dads/men’s rights types.

Um. Move the printer?

Can’t do that or there wouldn’t be any drama.

Have you ever taken two finicky printers off a home network and set them back up again? Even if I had space for them elsewhere it will be easier to get this lazy clown to move his stuff.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he’s trying to get you to waste your money by doing the filing. To try to make it as inconvenient for you as possible from the get go so that down the line you’ll be more amenable to just giving him what he wants to get it over with already

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he’s trying to get you to waste your money by doing the filing. To try to make it as inconvenient for you as possible from the get go so that down the line you’ll be more amenable to just giving him what he wants to get it over with already

OP here, I think you could be right. But he has low endurance and a short attention span so his attorney is going to have to really hold his hand if that’s his plan.

[Anonymous]

Stick them in the basement and leave them there. Put them on a tarp to keep them dry. Find something to put in front of them if they are really bothering the kids.

Then forget about them.

[Anonymous]

Take them to the vacation home.

[Anonymous]

Are you the same OP who started a thread several months ago about a ex who convinced you to move across the country and then promptly filed for divorce? Your writing sounds familiar...

[Anonymous]

I’m very surprised you don’t think he will get 1/2 custody. I know pretty extreme mental health cases (documented alcoholism, etc) where the spouse still had joint custody. No one wants to pay extra child support, so everyone fights for it. Also, it sounds like he thinks you are part of the problem (we have no idea either way but you do sound a bit controlling) so he probably thinks the kids are better off with him at least half the time. You need to be very careful that you are not making him look like the bad guy to the kids or you will get hit with alienation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, OP, having seen your update - I doubt your ex has a house. He's probably living with an affair partner or couch surfing, but saying he has a house because he is trying to get partial custody and wants to appear stable.

As to your question, I can just tell you that my husband's ex did the same thing. She left nearly all her stuff at the house other than clothes. Apparently she wanted to start anew. I mean she even left stuff like medical records! And her engagement ring!

My husband never cleaned it all out so *I* had to do it. He had a provision in his divorce agreement that she had until a certain date to come get her stuff and after a certain date, everything in the house was presumed his. I moved in four years after this date, so we decided we had the right to toss it all.

He plans to sell the engagement ring for his kids' college tuition.

OP and my DH left extensive medical records documenting mental illness and other things which impair his ability to parent and/or show that he is not in compliance with medical professionals’ treatment recommendations. And yet he is trying to hide his medical history during the divorce process and custody evaluation. It’s crazy that he doesn’t realize that all his papers are just sitting in our kitchen desk drawer, or that he thinks I can’t see them?

Bizarrely, I found multiple engagement rings in his stuff. And none of them are mine. I have documented the find with my attorney so I can’t be accused of stealing or hiding them, but hopefully he doesn’t claim them because at some point I’ll need the money.

OP, you just answered your own question. He has untreated mental illness. The real question is - why are you surprised by his behavior? Why did you expect him to suddenly behave reasonably and rationally (the only questions I have here are about you)? I imagine that puzzling out the “why” of your ex has been a well-worn path throughout the your marriage, and perhaps it’s hard for you to just - let it go. I’m not saying that you’re codependent, but just as your ex seems to be having an inexplicably hard time cutting that last cord, you might be too. Your ex has untreated mental illness - you have the paperwork to show it - and you should expect him to behave accordingly.

Regarding the boxes - you are saying they are upsetting the kids, but why? I mean, obviously the whole situation is upsetting because their dad has moved out, but having to see his boxes when they need to move the printer does not seem like a huge deal - his ABSENCE is the huge deal. They know he’s moved out, and hopefully they’re in therapy to deal with it. I wonder if they’re absorbing your stress about the boxes. This is something you can be matter-of-fact about, and they might follow suit, especially since it sounds like it’s going to be a long ride with your ex, and you all have endured a lot worse from him.

Try not to sweat the smaller things you can’t control. You can decide if it’s worthwhile to take steps to force your ex to remove his things, but there’s always going to be something with this guy, so it’ll be worthwhile to develop a strategy to cope with it. He’s not going to change; that’s why you’re separating. You can let go of the long-standing dynamic you’ve had with and try to forge a different path for yourself and your kids. The HOW of that can be learned in therapy. And yes, I realize that’s easier said than done.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for typos. *use the printer ^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he’s trying to get you to waste your money by doing the filing. To try to make it as inconvenient for you as possible from the get go so that down the line you’ll be more amenable to just giving him what he wants to get it over with already

OP here, I think you could be right. But he has low endurance and a short attention span so his attorney is going to have to really hold his hand if that’s his plan.

PP here. Oh OP, it doesn’t sound like he has a strategy. He has mental illness. You’ll never figure it out, so let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, OP, having seen your update - I doubt your ex has a house. He's probably living with an affair partner or couch surfing, but saying he has a house because he is trying to get partial custody and wants to appear stable.

As to your question, I can just tell you that my husband's ex did the same thing. She left nearly all her stuff at the house other than clothes. Apparently she wanted to start anew. I mean she even left stuff like medical records! And her engagement ring!

My husband never cleaned it all out so *I* had to do it. He had a provision in his divorce agreement that she had until a certain date to come get her stuff and after a certain date, everything in the house was presumed his. I moved in four years after this date, so we decided we had the right to toss it all.

He plans to sell the engagement ring for his kids' college tuition.

Team ex wife, lol.

My DH, to whom I am staying married reasonably happily, would not clean out my stuff if I left or died. I truly believe he could not and will not ever actually take care of himself domestically. There will always be a woman doing it, whether he is married to her or paying her directly. If he ever ends up living on his own without the means to pay anyone, it will be or quickly become a hovel.

He knows that if I die, I want him to hire a housekeeper and nanny immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you box them up and leave them where the children have to step over and around them. Keep your anger and feelings away from your kids - trying to make them have a constant reminder of what he did to you is petty and harmful to the kids.

It is also still his house unless you have bought him out of it. DId he ask you to pack up his belongings?

Sounds like neither of you are thinking of the kids and both are just mad at each other and trying to inconvinience the other.

Hardly that. I’ve boxed what I can in his office but the kids see the stuff every time they go to use the printer. My attorney suggested moving the stuff to the garage but they would see it there even more frequently.

Per temporary orders, I have sole use of our marital house and have the ability to file a motion for him to remove his stuff. But that’s the legal part. I just don’t understand the psychology of not wanting your stuff when you have a whole separate house that’s yours and yours alone. What’s even more strange and a separate thread is that he refuses to tell me where it is, won’t tell the children where it is, and is trying to get custody but apparently (per his attorney from a 1:1 conversation with my attorney) “doesn’t have time” to set up rooms for the kids.

It’s bonkers. I think he filed but somehow thought I would just pack my stuff, sell the house for him, and disappear from his life with zero hassle or effort. Now that he realizes that’s not how it works he seems exhausted and overwhelmed.

Just file the motion and quit being dramatic pretending that the kids are upset.

The kids are upset. Wouldn’t you be if you went to print something for school and saw your dad’s stuff but haven’t been seeing your dad? Of all the things to pretend about the last thing I would fake is the emotions of children.

Interestingly DH has claimed the kids aren’t upset and will be happy to see him happy. I think that arguments about the kids’ feelings not being real is something that gets trotted out by absent dads/men’s rights types.

I have a lot of sympathy for you because it sounds like you are in a really rough place and he is being very selfish.

But I don’t understand how the only options in the house for the printer are his office and the garage. This seems like something you can solve without making them go in the office.