Why won’t he take his stuff?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, OP, having seen your update - I doubt your ex has a house. He's probably living with an affair partner or couch surfing, but saying he has a house because he is trying to get partial custody and wants to appear stable.

As to your question, I can just tell you that my husband's ex did the same thing. She left nearly all her stuff at the house other than clothes. Apparently she wanted to start anew. I mean she even left stuff like medical records! And her engagement ring!

My husband never cleaned it all out so *I* had to do it. He had a provision in his divorce agreement that she had until a certain date to come get her stuff and after a certain date, everything in the house was presumed his. I moved in four years after this date, so we decided we had the right to toss it all.

He plans to sell the engagement ring for his kids' college tuition.

OP and my DH left extensive medical records documenting mental illness and other things which impair his ability to parent and/or show that he is not in compliance with medical professionals’ treatment recommendations. And yet he is trying to hide his medical history during the divorce process and custody evaluation. It’s crazy that he doesn’t realize that all his papers are just sitting in our kitchen desk drawer, or that he thinks I can’t see them?

Bizarrely, I found multiple engagement rings in his stuff. And none of them are mine. I have documented the find with my attorney so I can’t be accused of stealing or hiding them, but hopefully he doesn’t claim them because at some point I’ll need the money.

[Anonymous]

Do his parents have a house nearby? Drop it off at their house if so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just ship it to him.

I see you don’t know where it is. I would rent a storage spot for one month, deposit the things there, and send him the access information and location. After that, who cares what happens to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do his parents have a house nearby? Drop it off at their house if so.

This is not a bad idea. Or you could mail it to them if they are far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you box them up and leave them where the children have to step over and around them. Keep your anger and feelings away from your kids - trying to make them have a constant reminder of what he did to you is petty and harmful to the kids.

It is also still his house unless you have bought him out of it. DId he ask you to pack up his belongings?

Sounds like neither of you are thinking of the kids and both are just mad at each other and trying to inconvinience the other.

Hardly that. I’ve boxed what I can in his office but the kids see the stuff every time they go to use the printer. My attorney suggested moving the stuff to the garage but they would see it there even more frequently.

Per temporary orders, I have sole use of our marital house and have the ability to file a motion for him to remove his stuff. But that’s the legal part. I just don’t understand the psychology of not wanting your stuff when you have a whole separate house that’s yours and yours alone. What’s even more strange and a separate thread is that he refuses to tell me where it is, won’t tell the children where it is, and is trying to get custody but apparently (per his attorney from a 1:1 conversation with my attorney) “doesn’t have time” to set up rooms for the kids.

It’s bonkers. I think he filed but somehow thought I would just pack my stuff, sell the house for him, and disappear from his life with zero hassle or effort. Now that he realizes that’s not how it works he seems exhausted and overwhelmed.

Just file the motion and quit being dramatic pretending that the kids are upset.

The kids are upset. Wouldn’t you be if you went to print something for school and saw your dad’s stuff but haven’t been seeing your dad? Of all the things to pretend about the last thing I would fake is the emotions of children.

Interestingly DH has claimed the kids aren’t upset and will be happy to see him happy. I think that arguments about the kids’ feelings not being real is something that gets trotted out by absent dads/men’s rights types.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just ship it to him.

I see you don’t know where it is. I would rent a storage spot for one month, deposit the things there, and send him the access information and location. After that, who cares what happens to it.

This is a good idea

[Anonymous]

If it were me I'd be happy he's not pushing to take more custody time and not tempt fate. Just put the stuff in the basement, relabel the boxes so the kids don't know what they are, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do his parents have a house nearby? Drop it off at their house if so.

I wish. They live abroad. But my attorney told me not to drop stuff anywhere unless it is after whatever deadline gets set by legal temporary orders. Our current orders restrict me from removing or damaging his possessions. This is pretty standard, so no one and the same situation should be inspired by the random advice here suggesting doing otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it were me I'd be happy he's not pushing to take more custody time and not tempt fate. Just put the stuff in the basement, relabel the boxes so the kids don't know what they are, whatever.

Thanks, Op and that’s not bad advice. Our basement isn’t big and is prone to moisture but maybe I can put stuff up on something, relabel it, and call it a day.

See above, he actually is trying to get more visitation time. Who doesn’t want their kids or their stuff yet is filing for custody?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you box them up and leave them where the children have to step over and around them. Keep your anger and feelings away from your kids - trying to make them have a constant reminder of what he did to you is petty and harmful to the kids.

It is also still his house unless you have bought him out of it. DId he ask you to pack up his belongings?

Sounds like neither of you are thinking of the kids and both are just mad at each other and trying to inconvinience the other.

Hardly that. I’ve boxed what I can in his office but the kids see the stuff every time they go to use the printer. My attorney suggested moving the stuff to the garage but they would see it there even more frequently.

Per temporary orders, I have sole use of our marital house and have the ability to file a motion for him to remove his stuff. But that’s the legal part. I just don’t understand the psychology of not wanting your stuff when you have a whole separate house that’s yours and yours alone. What’s even more strange and a separate thread is that he refuses to tell me where it is, won’t tell the children where it is, and is trying to get custody but apparently (per his attorney from a 1:1 conversation with my attorney) “doesn’t have time” to set up rooms for the kids.

It’s bonkers. I think he filed but somehow thought I would just pack my stuff, sell the house for him, and disappear from his life with zero hassle or effort. Now that he realizes that’s not how it works he seems exhausted and overwhelmed.

Just file the motion and quit being dramatic pretending that the kids are upset.

The kids are upset. Wouldn’t you be if you went to print something for school and saw your dad’s stuff but haven’t been seeing your dad? Of all the things to pretend about the last thing I would fake is the emotions of children.

Interestingly DH has claimed the kids aren’t upset and will be happy to see him happy. I think that arguments about the kids’ feelings not being real is something that gets trotted out by absent dads/men’s rights types.

You could have left his belongings in the drawers they were in or put them in a closet. Instead you had to box them up and keep them in a spot you claim the kids are seeing frequently to them become upset over. And if they really are upset you have the option to file the order but haven’t done it.

But sure, you’re not dramatic at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it were me I'd be happy he's not pushing to take more custody time and not tempt fate. Just put the stuff in the basement, relabel the boxes so the kids don't know what they are, whatever.

Thanks, Op and that’s not bad advice. Our basement isn’t big and is prone to moisture but maybe I can put stuff up on something, relabel it, and call it a day.

See above, he actually is trying to get more visitation time. Who doesn’t want their kids or their stuff yet is filing for custody?!

He's trying in some vague sense of asserting the right but without taking steps to do it. If you start doing things like filing motions, he might spite you by getting his ass in gear and actually getting a home set up, so why not leave well enough alone? Let him think he's greatly upsetting you with the boxes and enjoy your time with the kids.

And if his stuff gets moldy, oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just ship it to him.

I see you don’t know where it is. I would rent a storage spot for one month, deposit the things there, and send him the access information and location. After that, who cares what happens to it.

This is the best answer. It will be auctioned off after a certain date if rent is unpaid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you box them up and leave them where the children have to step over and around them. Keep your anger and feelings away from your kids - trying to make them have a constant reminder of what he did to you is petty and harmful to the kids.

It is also still his house unless you have bought him out of it. DId he ask you to pack up his belongings?

Sounds like neither of you are thinking of the kids and both are just mad at each other and trying to inconvinience the other.

Hardly that. I’ve boxed what I can in his office but the kids see the stuff every time they go to use the printer. My attorney suggested moving the stuff to the garage but they would see it there even more frequently.

Per temporary orders, I have sole use of our marital house and have the ability to file a motion for him to remove his stuff. But that’s the legal part. I just don’t understand the psychology of not wanting your stuff when you have a whole separate house that’s yours and yours alone. What’s even more strange and a separate thread is that he refuses to tell me where it is, won’t tell the children where it is, and is trying to get custody but apparently (per his attorney from a 1:1 conversation with my attorney) “doesn’t have time” to set up rooms for the kids.

It’s bonkers. I think he filed but somehow thought I would just pack my stuff, sell the house for him, and disappear from his life with zero hassle or effort. Now that he realizes that’s not how it works he seems exhausted and overwhelmed.

Just file the motion and quit being dramatic pretending that the kids are upset.

The kids are upset. Wouldn’t you be if you went to print something for school and saw your dad’s stuff but haven’t been seeing your dad? Of all the things to pretend about the last thing I would fake is the emotions of children.

Interestingly DH has claimed the kids aren’t upset and will be happy to see him happy. I think that arguments about the kids’ feelings not being real is something that gets trotted out by absent dads/men’s rights types.

You could have left his belongings in the drawers they were in or put them in a closet. Instead you had to box them up and keep them in a spot you claim the kids are seeing frequently to them become upset over. And if they really are upset you have the option to file the order but haven’t done it.

But sure, you’re not dramatic at all.

Wait what? He is gone. Why should his stuff be mingled with hers? That's even worse it's as if he never left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you box them up and leave them where the children have to step over and around them. Keep your anger and feelings away from your kids - trying to make them have a constant reminder of what he did to you is petty and harmful to the kids.

It is also still his house unless you have bought him out of it. DId he ask you to pack up his belongings?

Sounds like neither of you are thinking of the kids and both are just mad at each other and trying to inconvinience the other.

Hardly that. I’ve boxed what I can in his office but the kids see the stuff every time they go to use the printer. My attorney suggested moving the stuff to the garage but they would see it there even more frequently.

Per temporary orders, I have sole use of our marital house and have the ability to file a motion for him to remove his stuff. But that’s the legal part. I just don’t understand the psychology of not wanting your stuff when you have a whole separate house that’s yours and yours alone. What’s even more strange and a separate thread is that he refuses to tell me where it is, won’t tell the children where it is, and is trying to get custody but apparently (per his attorney from a 1:1 conversation with my attorney) “doesn’t have time” to set up rooms for the kids.

It’s bonkers. I think he filed but somehow thought I would just pack my stuff, sell the house for him, and disappear from his life with zero hassle or effort. Now that he realizes that’s not how it works he seems exhausted and overwhelmed.

Just file the motion and quit being dramatic pretending that the kids are upset.

The kids are upset. Wouldn’t you be if you went to print something for school and saw your dad’s stuff but haven’t been seeing your dad? Of all the things to pretend about the last thing I would fake is the emotions of children.

Interestingly DH has claimed the kids aren’t upset and will be happy to see him happy. I think that arguments about the kids’ feelings not being real is something that gets trotted out by absent dads/men’s rights types.

You could have left his belongings in the drawers they were in or put them in a closet. Instead you had to box them up and keep them in a spot you claim the kids are seeing frequently to them become upset over. And if they really are upset you have the option to file the order but haven’t done it.

But sure, you’re not dramatic at all.

I didn’t take anything out of drawers- his desk drawers, entertainment center drawers, closet/dresser remain as is: full of his untouched stuff that I’m not messing with.

This is stuff that was literally in stacks around the house or left out on counters from the day he walked out: like travel mugs by the back door, stacks of books and papers in the kitchen, notebooks, cords, etc. I wouldn’t put effort into emptying out stuff and packing it, but I don’t think I nor my kids should have to work around a half full travel mug or stack of junk mail or his pile of pocket mess for the next however money months it takes to settle.

[Anonymous]

Are the engagement rings all new? Or are they used serial killer mementos? This stuff is bizarre enough that I would actually be somewhat nervous. I wish my ex would leave documentation like that lying around for me to use… So I guess on that front it’s helpful.