Why won’t he take his stuff?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH filed for divorce and moved out, first to our vacation house and now he is in a rented house. He is coming this weekend to get “some clothes” but has said he won’t be taking the 6 boxes of his other possessions (books, mugs, important paperwork, personal items) that I’ve boxed up for him because “there isn’t space”. My kids are upset seeing his stuff and it’s in the way.

I understand that I can legally compel him to take this stuff, so not asking about how to go about that. But I am at a loss for why he wouldn’t just come get all of his clothes and personal items if there really isn’t that much of it and he has an entire house of his own.

Any idea why he is being like this?

It's a weird thing with some people. Even when the person was the initiator and driver of the divorce, they have a hard time cutting all of the ties. My XH kept finding reasons to maintain joint accounts and not retrieve stuff, despite the fact that he left me for someone else and had already set up house with her. When pressed, he'd get pissy and defensive, but still not do whatever needed doing. I think some of it was entitlement on his part and some was just some subconscious holding on. I don't think he was intentionally clinging to whatever was left – but I needed it out of my sight for my own mental health. When it became clear that he'd dug in his heels – I ended up dumping stuff in a box and shoved it far out of sight so it didn't mentally press my buttons every time and finally it stopped bothering me. If you've got stuff boxed up, ask one final time and then find a place you can shove the stuff and get it out of sight. Cover it up. Letting it take up space in your brain is hurting you. Don't let it.

[Anonymous]

I would just get it to the vacation home and let him know it's there. Seems like the easiest solution.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is his way of continuing to exert control The more you want him to take his stuff, the less likely he will. Just put the boxes in the basement or behind something in the garage and don't mention them again unless he asks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is his way of continuing to exert control The more you want him to take his stuff, the less likely he will. Just put the boxes in the basement or behind something in the garage and don't mention them again unless he asks.

I think you are right. But why on earth would someone who walked out on us want to control me? It’s inexplicable.

[Anonymous]

Get a small storage unit and put his items in there. They will turn he out of site, out of your way, and no damage to his things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a small storage unit and put his items in there. They will turn he out of site, out of your way, and no damage to his things.

Except that then OP is paying for a storage unit.

OP - don't incur any costs. No clue why he is playing this game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a small storage unit and put his items in there. They will turn he out of site, out of your way, and no damage to his things.

Attorney said not to do this; the temporary orders I’m already under prohibit me from removing anything from the house that does not belong to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH filed for divorce and moved out, first to our vacation house and now he is in a rented house. He is coming this weekend to get “some clothes” but has said he won’t be taking the 6 boxes of his other possessions (books, mugs, important paperwork, personal items) that I’ve boxed up for him because “there isn’t space”. My kids are upset seeing his stuff and it’s in the way.

I understand that I can legally compel him to take this stuff, so not asking about how to go about that. But I am at a loss for why he wouldn’t just come get all of his clothes and personal items if there really isn’t that much of it and he has an entire house of his own.

Any idea why he is being like this?

He's being like this because there isn't enough space. He told you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you box them up and leave them where the children have to step over and around them. Keep your anger and feelings away from your kids - trying to make them have a constant reminder of what he did to you is petty and harmful to the kids.

It is also still his house unless you have bought him out of it. DId he ask you to pack up his belongings?

Sounds like neither of you are thinking of the kids and both are just mad at each other and trying to inconvinience the other.

Hardly that. I’ve boxed what I can in his office but the kids see the stuff every time they go to use the printer. My attorney suggested moving the stuff to the garage but they would see it there even more frequently.

Per temporary orders, I have sole use of our marital house and have the ability to file a motion for him to remove his stuff. But that’s the legal part. I just don’t understand the psychology of not wanting your stuff when you have a whole separate house that’s yours and yours alone. What’s even more strange and a separate thread is that he refuses to tell me where it is, won’t tell the children where it is, and is trying to get custody but apparently (per his attorney from a 1:1 conversation with my attorney) “doesn’t have time” to set up rooms for the kids.

It’s bonkers. I think he filed but somehow thought I would just pack my stuff, sell the house for him, and disappear from his life with zero hassle or effort. Now that he realizes that’s not how it works he seems exhausted and overwhelmed.

Just file the motion and quit being dramatic pretending that the kids are upset.

The kids are upset. Wouldn’t you be if you went to print something for school and saw your dad’s stuff but haven’t been seeing your dad? Of all the things to pretend about the last thing I would fake is the emotions of children.

Interestingly DH has claimed the kids aren’t upset and will be happy to see him happy. I think that arguments about the kids’ feelings not being real is something that gets trotted out by absent dads/men’s rights types.

Um. Move the printer?

[Anonymous]

idk how much it is, but could you rent a storage facility and put his stuff in it. notify him. pay for x months and then stop paying. he can go get his stuff or they will confiscate it and sell it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH filed for divorce and moved out, first to our vacation house and now he is in a rented house. He is coming this weekend to get “some clothes” but has said he won’t be taking the 6 boxes of his other possessions (books, mugs, important paperwork, personal items) that I’ve boxed up for him because “there isn’t space”. My kids are upset seeing his stuff and it’s in the way.

I understand that I can legally compel him to take this stuff, so not asking about how to go about that. But I am at a loss for why he wouldn’t just come get all of his clothes and personal items if there really isn’t that much of it and he has an entire house of his own.

Any idea why he is being like this?

He's being like this because there isn't enough space. He told you.

From what I’ve pieced together, it’s a 3000 sf house. As large as our current family house! I think he has the space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow it’s crazy he won’t tell you where the house is. He might be shacking up with someone.

He might. It’s a weird mystery. What’s more likely is that he just sees this as part of the “privacy” he thinks he got after filing. In spite of not having a final decree or settlement yet and in spite of us having shared property and children, he has believed since the day he filed that he is already permanently separate from me and has zero obligations to his family. We are dealing with financial discovery right now and he’s having a hissy fit because he thinks his bank statements and paystubs are “private” no matter what his attorney tells him.

I would have to think that NOT disclosing his address to his children during the separation and divorce is going to speak poorly of him to the judge when/if he makes a claim for custody. You need to get in writing from him, his refusal to divulge where he lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow it’s crazy he won’t tell you where the house is. He might be shacking up with someone.

He might. It’s a weird mystery. What’s more likely is that he just sees this as part of the “privacy” he thinks he got after filing. In spite of not having a final decree or settlement yet and in spite of us having shared property and children, he has believed since the day he filed that he is already permanently separate from me and has zero obligations to his family. We are dealing with financial discovery right now and he’s having a hissy fit because he thinks his bank statements and paystubs are “private” no matter what his attorney tells him.

I would have to think that NOT disclosing his address to his children during the separation and divorce is going to speak poorly of him to the judge when/if he makes a claim for custody. You need to get in writing from him, his refusal to divulge where he lives.

Yes, don’t worry, this is in writing. My attorney has advised me to not allow the children to have visitation anywhere beyond a public place unless DH discloses his address, and at some point will be filing a motion for him to disclose his address should this continue. A written request has been made from my attorney to his but there has not been a response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is his way of continuing to exert control The more you want him to take his stuff, the less likely he will. Just put the boxes in the basement or behind something in the garage and don't mention them again unless he asks.

I think you are right. But why on earth would someone who walked out on us want to control me? It’s inexplicable.

I think your intentional choice to be confused by it all is annoying, frankly. If you notice something is troubling your children, you fix it. Immediately. If that means hauling the boxes to the basement or attic or garage (behind other stuff, covered in a blanket, etc.) do it. Why are you feigning all this hand-wringing and wonderment. You married the guy. You have a better chance at understanding the "why" more than any of us would. Come on. Just focus on being the best parent you can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, OP, having seen your update - I doubt your ex has a house. He's probably living with an affair partner or couch surfing, but saying he has a house because he is trying to get partial custody and wants to appear stable.

As to your question, I can just tell you that my husband's ex did the same thing. She left nearly all her stuff at the house other than clothes. Apparently she wanted to start anew. I mean she even left stuff like medical records! And her engagement ring!

My husband never cleaned it all out so *I* had to do it. He had a provision in his divorce agreement that she had until a certain date to come get her stuff and after a certain date, everything in the house was presumed his. I moved in four years after this date, so we decided we had the right to toss it all.

He plans to sell the engagement ring for his kids' college tuition.

OP and my DH left extensive medical records documenting mental illness and other things which impair his ability to parent and/or show that he is not in compliance with medical professionals’ treatment recommendations. And yet he is trying to hide his medical history during the divorce process and custody evaluation. It’s crazy that he doesn’t realize that all his papers are just sitting in our kitchen desk drawer, or that he thinks I can’t see them?

Bizarrely, I found multiple engagement rings in his stuff. And none of them are mine. I have documented the find with my attorney so I can’t be accused of stealing or hiding them, but hopefully he doesn’t claim them because at some point I’ll need the money.

Does your lawyer know about the medical records? Ask if you can use them.