Why won’t he take his stuff?

[Anonymous]

I think it’s truly repulsive and reprehensible the way the OP is planning to use her ex seeking mental health care in the past to try to damage his case for custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you box them up and leave them where the children have to step over and around them. Keep your anger and feelings away from your kids - trying to make them have a constant reminder of what he did to you is petty and harmful to the kids.

It is also still his house unless you have bought him out of it. DId he ask you to pack up his belongings?

Sounds like neither of you are thinking of the kids and both are just mad at each other and trying to inconvinience the other.

Hardly that. I’ve boxed what I can in his office but the kids see the stuff every time they go to use the printer. My attorney suggested moving the stuff to the garage but they would see it there even more frequently.

Per temporary orders, I have sole use of our marital house and have the ability to file a motion for him to remove his stuff. But that’s the legal part. I just don’t understand the psychology of not wanting your stuff when you have a whole separate house that’s yours and yours alone. What’s even more strange and a separate thread is that he refuses to tell me where it is, won’t tell the children where it is, and is trying to get custody but apparently (per his attorney from a 1:1 conversation with my attorney) “doesn’t have time” to set up rooms for the kids.

It’s bonkers. I think he filed but somehow thought I would just pack my stuff, sell the house for him, and disappear from his life with zero hassle or effort. Now that he realizes that’s not how it works he seems exhausted and overwhelmed.

Just file the motion and quit being dramatic pretending that the kids are upset.

This 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just ship it to him.

I see you don’t know where it is. I would rent a storage spot for one month, deposit the things there, and send him the access information and location. After that, who cares what happens to it.

Ship it to the vacation home and tell him by text.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s truly repulsive and reprehensible the way the OP is planning to use her ex seeking mental health care in the past to try to damage his case for custody.

Seeking mental health care is not an issue for custody.

Non-compliance with mental health care is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, OP, having seen your update - I doubt your ex has a house. He's probably living with an affair partner or couch surfing, but saying he has a house because he is trying to get partial custody and wants to appear stable.

As to your question, I can just tell you that my husband's ex did the same thing. She left nearly all her stuff at the house other than clothes. Apparently she wanted to start anew. I mean she even left stuff like medical records! And her engagement ring!

My husband never cleaned it all out so *I* had to do it. He had a provision in his divorce agreement that she had until a certain date to come get her stuff and after a certain date, everything in the house was presumed his. I moved in four years after this date, so we decided we had the right to toss it all.

He plans to sell the engagement ring for his kids' college tuition.

OP and my DH left extensive medical records documenting mental illness and other things which impair his ability to parent and/or show that he is not in compliance with medical professionals’ treatment recommendations. And yet he is trying to hide his medical history during the divorce process and custody evaluation. It’s crazy that he doesn’t realize that all his papers are just sitting in our kitchen desk drawer, or that he thinks I can’t see them?

Bizarrely, I found multiple engagement rings in his stuff. And none of them are mine. I have documented the find with my attorney so I can’t be accused of stealing or hiding them, but hopefully he doesn’t claim them because at some point I’ll need the money.

OP, you just answered your own question. He has untreated mental illness. The real question is - why are you surprised by his behavior? Why did you expect him to suddenly behave reasonably and rationally (the only questions I have here are about you)? I imagine that puzzling out the “why” of your ex has been a well-worn path throughout the your marriage, and perhaps it’s hard for you to just - let it go. I’m not saying that you’re codependent, but just as your ex seems to be having an inexplicably hard time cutting that last cord, you might be too. Your ex has untreated mental illness - you have the paperwork to show it - and you should expect him to behave accordingly.

Regarding the boxes - you are saying they are upsetting the kids, but why? I mean, obviously the whole situation is upsetting because their dad has moved out, but having to see his boxes when they need to move the printer does not seem like a huge deal - his ABSENCE is the huge deal. They know he’s moved out, and hopefully they’re in therapy to deal with it. I wonder if they’re absorbing your stress about the boxes. This is something you can be matter-of-fact about, and they might follow suit, especially since it sounds like it’s going to be a long ride with your ex, and you all have endured a lot worse from him.

Try not to sweat the smaller things you can’t control. You can decide if it’s worthwhile to take steps to force your ex to remove his things, but there’s always going to be something with this guy, so it’ll be worthwhile to develop a strategy to cope with it. He’s not going to change; that’s why you’re separating. You can let go of the long-standing dynamic you’ve had with and try to forge a different path for yourself and your kids. The HOW of that can be learned in therapy. And yes, I realize that’s easier said than done.

OP and you are so right. The kids are in therapy and I am, too. We are all well aware that he has mental health challenges (the kids know in age-appropriate terms) but his mental health problems were not always as impactful as they are now so it has been hard for all of us to come to terms with the reality that the person we knew him to be is not who he is now.

For the kids, there is a lot of mixed hope that maybe he will go back to who he was before, even though the older kids have said out loud that if that happened it wouldn’t undo everything that he did to them along the way.

When the stuff was just out, it was a reminder that their dad had abruptly left but there was hope that he would come back as long as nothing was put away. When the stuff got boxed, it became a song that he isn’t coming back. And I moved it downstairs last night and that’s going to feel even more final. Hopefully the kids won’t stumble into the boxes down there for a while because the conversation about him not bothering to come get his stuff is not one I’m going to have with them in an honest way until they are older.

I’ve definitely tried to understand the mental illness component of our marriage for a long time because when we were actively in a relationship and in therapy together I was charged with accommodating it and working around it and helping with it. It got to the point where it was absolutely codependent and maybe even emotionally abusive given what I was told I needed to tolerate for his sake.

I have a different therapist now and have started to see what an unhealthy position that therapist put me in, but it is a habit that will take a long time to undo.

Guess it’s never just stuff or just boxes! Thanks for the insight, dcum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the same OP who started a thread several months ago about a ex who convinced you to move across the country and then promptly filed for divorce? Your writing sounds familiar...

Not me, I can’t imagine that on top of everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just ship it to him.

I see you don’t know where it is. I would rent a storage spot for one month, deposit the things there, and send him the access information and location. After that, who cares what happens to it.

This is a good idea

Do not do this. You will be paying for it forever and it will stay in your name and on your account or credit report if you let it go. BTDT.

Give him a time frame to pick it up from your house or it gets thrown away. Give him thirty days and ample opportunities. You do not need to file a motion if you do that. If he files a motion complaining, the judge will say just pick it up or why didn't you pick it up when you had thirty days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s truly repulsive and reprehensible the way the OP is planning to use her ex seeking mental health care in the past to try to damage his case for custody.

It depends on the mental health issue, I think. Garden variety depression or unmedicated manic episodes during which he becomes dangerous. We don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s truly repulsive and reprehensible the way the OP is planning to use her ex seeking mental health care in the past to try to damage his case for custody.

It depends on the mental health issue, I think. Garden variety depression or unmedicated manic episodes during which he becomes dangerous. We don't know.

OP: I’m not going to put his personal details here but it’s not garden variety stuff.

[Anonymous]

This is not going to end well for the kids. Shame on both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not going to end well for the kids. Shame on both of you.

Thanks, really appreciate being shamed for my DH having a mental breakdown and leaving me. I’ll keep your internet stranger’s judgement in mind should I or my kids dare to have a good day as we go through this process. In the meantime I’m going to box up your words and put them in the wet spot in the basement where you belong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the same OP who started a thread several months ago about a ex who convinced you to move across the country and then promptly filed for divorce? Your writing sounds familiar...

+1 The details and tone are nearly identical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you the same OP who started a thread several months ago about a ex who convinced you to move across the country and then promptly filed for divorce? Your writing sounds familiar...

+1 The details and tone are nearly identical.

I think this poster is the one who was supposed to go in vacation the last week of summer but her husband served her with papers and then she didn't know what to do with the dog,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you the same OP who started a thread several months ago about a ex who convinced you to move across the country and then promptly filed for divorce? Your writing sounds familiar...

+1 The details and tone are nearly identical.

I think this poster is the one who was supposed to go in vacation the last week of summer but her husband served her with papers and then she didn't know what to do with the dog,

Agree, and was sympathetic to OP initially, but she seems very all-or-nothing in her thinking. When other posters note this, she starts new threads in different subforums, and also seems to be starting threads as if she were her ex.

[Anonymous]

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1288696.page

I think this is the same OP.