Wife doesn't want a funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a person who's always felt tolerated rather than accepted, I don't want a funeral. Either no one besides my husband and kids would be there or people who never really cared about me when I was alive (including my own parents if they outlive me) would come and be hypocrites.

I’m so sorry that the people in your life — especially your parents — have let you down. You’re as worthy of respect, affection and love as everyone else. You deserve better. I hope you’re working with a therapist to unpack all of this.

However, funerals are actually for the living. If there are people who care about your spouse and children, your funeral would be the time for those people to lend them support.

I'm the PP you're replying to-thank you for your kindness. I've been to therapy off and on my whole life, but at age 54 I've pretty much decided it is what it is.

I understand what you're saying about the funeral rituals being for the living. My husband and sons know they're free to do what will be most helpful for them, but that I wouldn't choose a funeral. I'll be dead, though, so it it makes them feel better to have one then they should.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does it mean when someone dies young (50s) and the wife doesn't want a funeral?

The person served in the military for 25+ years and died suddenly on vacation. I suspected suic*de but my husband doesn't think it's likely.

Is it common when someone doesn't want to talk about how or why someone died that they avoid a funeral?

I am donating my body to medical science and do not want a funeral or a memorial service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does it mean when someone dies young (50s) and the wife doesn't want a funeral?

The person served in the military for 25+ years and died suddenly on vacation. I suspected suic*de but my husband doesn't think it's likely.

Is it common when someone doesn't want to talk about how or why someone died that they avoid a funeral?

They should do what the deceased said they wanted. If person who died didn't specify, the significant other or close family decide https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1297593.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Though DH and I knew he was dying, we never discussed funerals. He was cremated shortly after his death.

One of the many changes that came with covid was a move to memorial services held at some later time following a death. With time to think, I decided to hold a memorial event about three months after his death.

I was surprised and moved by the number of people who attended. As a result, DH's children and grandchildren can now remember the event, including memories and stories they wouldn't have known otherwise. For myself, I did find the event stressful, but ultimately comforting.

I think people should do what they want to do. I'd also suggest remembering that funerals are for the living, and coming together to recognize and grieve a friend can be a powerful, healing experience.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want one either. IMO it’s pointless and costs a lot of money.

Same. My sister died a few weeks ago. She didn’t want a funeral and was cremated. There will be a celebration of life in a few weeks. Those are my plans too.

I don't understand the distinctions people are making here. What's the difference between a funeral and a celebration of life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want one either. IMO it’s pointless and costs a lot of money.

Same. My sister died a few weeks ago. She didn’t want a funeral and was cremated. There will be a celebration of life in a few weeks. Those are my plans too.

I don't understand the distinctions people are making here. What's the difference between a funeral and a celebration of life?

Religious funerals usually dwell on where the person is “going” after death, comfort for the grieving, etc. A celebration of life service is more focused on memories of the persons life. When you have these later, the closest family members are in a better headspace emotionally to appreciate and receive this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a person who's always felt tolerated rather than accepted, I don't want a funeral. Either no one besides my husband and kids would be there or people who never really cared about me when I was alive (including my own parents if they outlive me) would come and be hypocrites.

I’m so sorry that the people in your life — especially your parents — have let you down. You’re as worthy of respect, affection and love as everyone else. You deserve better. I hope you’re working with a therapist to unpack all of this.

However, funerals are actually for the living. If there are people who care about your spouse and children, your funeral would be the time for those people to lend them support.

I hated my mother's funeral - it was an ordeal not a comfort. My father who died after her said no funeral for him.

My mom's funeral was 5 months ago, this was not my experience. It gave us closure. We kept it small, she was cremated, so no cemetery. We did a simple service at the funeral home, then invited people back to my dad's house for a luncheon. We planned it for 2 weeks after her death. We felt like we could move on, after that point so the timing was right. Until then we were just spinning our wheels. It would have been weird to just do nothing. We still haven't scattered her ashes. She had some weird specific final wishes for that so we haven't figure out what to do. That's been the most stressful b/c she was so specific and now we feel like we have to do it the way she wanted.

[Anonymous]

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. Let her decide and leave her be.

[Anonymous]

Funerals are for living. It's rude to prevent a funeral. You don't have to go if you don't want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they do not want one. It is their loved one, they get to choose. MYOB.

This I hate funerals. They feel forced and fake and o don’t go to church so we even bother? No one wants to go to funerals either.

Sounds like church is what you hate.

No one likes their loved ones dying either, yes people keep rudely dying, so people keep needing funerals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The cost of a traditional funeral is exorbitant. It’s on the order of $30k. That might be a reason.

You can have a funeral for $1000 or less if you want.

Burial is where things get expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want one either. IMO it’s pointless and costs a lot of money.

Same. My sister died a few weeks ago. She didn’t want a funeral and was cremated. There will be a celebration of life in a few weeks. Those are my plans too.

I don't understand the distinctions people are making here. What's the difference between a funeral and a celebration of life?

Religious funerals usually dwell on where the person is “going” after death, comfort for the grieving, etc. A celebration of life service is more focused on memories of the persons life. When you have these later, the closest family members are in a better headspace emotionally to appreciate and receive this

Also in the past when most deceased were buried, the funeral had to be held soon after the death. Usually the remains were present, and there was an actual burial.

A memorial service is often not at all religious, and it can be held weeks or months after the death. There's no coffin, though sometimes people bring the deceased's ashes.

[Anonymous]

My FIL died by suicide, and MIL did not want anyone except DH and SIL immediately afterward. This included grandkids and also FIL's sister.

Memorial service was scheduled for a few months afterward, but it was further delayed due to COVID.

I feel like this was rather extreme, especially as the mother of two kids who lost a grandparent, but the surviving spouse gets to decide.

[Anonymous]

Plenty of people do not have funerals. My best friend's parents died in their 90s after several declining years. Both were cremated. They were not super wealthy but fairly wealthy. Most of their own friends and generation had died previously. There were several siblings, one living in Europe, otherwise on both coasts, grandchildren here and there, and they got together about a year after the second one died.

By comparison, the last funeral I went to was for an older cousin (in her mid 70s). She had lived in the same community for 60 years, she had been active in her church for 40 years, she had two kids living in the same state along with cousins and their kids who knew her. She had retired just a few years before from a local TV station and many of her coworkers showed up. I've also been to some funerals in the small town where I grew up (about 6 hours drive away) and there are tons of people I'm not in touch with but certainly remember and appreciate reconnecting with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funerals are for living. It's rude to prevent a funeral. You don't have to go if you don't want.

What??? So if you are the next of kin you have a social obligation to provide an event for others even if you don't want it and won't go?