Wife doesn't want a funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does it mean when someone dies young (50s) and the wife doesn't want a funeral?

The person served in the military for 25+ years and died suddenly on vacation. I suspected suic*de but my husband doesn't think it's likely.

Is it common when someone doesn't want to talk about how or why someone died that they avoid a funeral?

I gather you are not close enough to the person to pay a personal visit and you aren't entitled to know the details.

I think there is value in funerals--they help establish the finality--but what makes sense lots of times doesn't necessarily make sense for each and every person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Funerals are for living. It's rude to prevent a funeral. You don't have to go if you don't want.

What??? So if you are the next of kin you have a social obligation to provide an event for others even if you don't want it and won't go?

If the next of kin doesn’t want a funeral for the deceased, they can decide not to have one, but the deceased shouldn’t call off mourning rituals that the surviving next of kin wants for the sake of closure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+1 as someone who doesn't want a funeral. If it were legal, I'd be ok with dumping my body in the river. Funerals and graves are such an absurd waste of money.

Look in to natural burial. You are buried in a way where your body decomposes naturally and the area is a nature preserve with hike trails or paths.

[Anonymous]

There was a man in my hometown who had spent his whole life serving others. He was a veteran and he was very active in his church and many civic and charitable organizations. He was beloved by many people. He lived to a ripe old age. He told his wife he didn’t want a funeral and he made arrangements for his body to be donated to a medical school to be used as a cadaver. I completely understand that he didn’t feel comfortable being the focus of everyone’s attention (he wasn’t the kind of person who was comfortable in the spotlight), but there were so many people whose lives had been touched by him; I think his wife, children and grandchildren missed out on a chance to receive an outpouring of love and to celebrate all that he had accomplished.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because they do not want one. It is their loved one, they get to choose. MYOB.

May be he didn't want one. I don't want my family to arrange an event right after losing me or to waste any money on a funeral. It just seems like a burden grieving family can do without and certainly has zero value to the deceased. I don't even want a coffin if there is no legal requirement.

[Anonymous]

I’m in the crowd that thinks funerals and obituaries are important.

It’s a step in the closure process and it is good to have a known event for support. There are friends who may not come to the house, but will come to the wake or funeral.

And I think it is healthy for kids to take part at the level at which they are able.

When I hear family members feel the funeral is unnecessary, I also wonder if *they* just don’t want to bother.

[Anonymous]

Gosh I wouldn’t want a funeral either. Seems performative. I’d want graveside only with my kids and any other direct family I still have living.

I still can’t believe the flowers at my grandmas were 5k. Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was a man in my hometown who had spent his whole life serving others. He was a veteran and he was very active in his church and many civic and charitable organizations. He was beloved by many people. He lived to a ripe old age. He told his wife he didn’t want a funeral and he made arrangements for his body to be donated to a medical school to be used as a cadaver. I completely understand that he didn’t feel comfortable being the focus of everyone’s attention (he wasn’t the kind of person who was comfortable in the spotlight), but there were so many people whose lives had been touched by him; I think his wife, children and grandchildren missed out on a chance to receive an outpouring of love and to celebrate all that he had accomplished.

But it’s not about you. It’s about what he wanted.

I’ve had similar people and rented out a bar for the night instead of a funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because they do not want one. It is their loved one, they get to choose. MYOB.

May be he didn't want one. I don't want my family to arrange an event right after losing me or to waste any money on a funeral. It just seems like a burden grieving family can do without and certainly has zero value to the deceased. I don't even want a coffin if there is no legal requirement.

It's for the living, not the deceased. They get one last time to come together to celebrate you. You don't have to be shy, you won't be there. But this can be important for your loved ones.

[Anonymous]

My dad did not want a funeral. He had awful memories of funerals as a kid…wailing women. (Sicilian).

He was such a fun and happy person. He wanted a celebration of life. He had cancer and we had a wonderful party with open bar at a favorite Italian room with all of his favorite people and music….He would have absolutely loved it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad did not want a funeral. He had awful memories of funerals as a kid…wailing women. (Sicilian).

He was such a fun and happy person. He wanted a celebration of life. He had cancer and we had a wonderful party with open bar at a favorite Italian room with all of his favorite people and music….He would have absolutely loved it.

Oh and among older people I know and my friends’ parents- this is becoming a lot more common. Cremation and then a celebration of life/memorial later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want one either. IMO it’s pointless and costs a lot of money.

Same. My sister died a few weeks ago. She didn’t want a funeral and was cremated. There will be a celebration of life in a few weeks. Those are my plans too.

I don't understand the distinctions people are making here. What's the difference between a funeral and a celebration of life?

Normally with a funeral there's a dead body in a box or a jar and they get buried / scattered. With a celebration of life, there is no body, that's already been dealt with, so it is just the relatives and friends gathering to say prayers / share memories etc.

Funerals happen in churches and other places of worship, celebrations of life happen in homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want one either. IMO it’s pointless and costs a lot of money.

Same. My sister died a few weeks ago. She didn’t want a funeral and was cremated. There will be a celebration of life in a few weeks. Those are my plans too.

I don't understand the distinctions people are making here. What's the difference between a funeral and a celebration of life?

Religious funerals usually dwell on where the person is “going” after death, comfort for the grieving, etc. A celebration of life service is more focused on memories of the persons life. When you have these later, the closest family members are in a better headspace emotionally to appreciate and receive this

Also in the past when most deceased were buried, the funeral had to be held soon after the death. Usually the remains were present, and there was an actual burial.

A memorial service is often not at all religious, and it can be held weeks or months after the death. There's no coffin, though sometimes people bring the deceased's ashes.

Right, but it's still a death ritual to have a memorial service. I dont think a funeral has to be religious, and it can be planned so as to have plenty of time for sharing of memories and celebrating someone's life. It also doesn't have to be held immediately after the death.

I dunno, this "i don't want a funeral, but a memorial service would be ok" just seems like silly semantics to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want one either. IMO it’s pointless and costs a lot of money.

Same. My sister died a few weeks ago. She didn’t want a funeral and was cremated. There will be a celebration of life in a few weeks. Those are my plans too.

I don't understand the distinctions people are making here. What's the difference between a funeral and a celebration of life?

Normally with a funeral there's a dead body in a box or a jar and they get buried / scattered. With a celebration of life, there is no body, that's already been dealt with, so it is just the relatives and friends gathering to say prayers / share memories etc.

Funerals happen in churches and other places of worship, celebrations of life happen in homes.

Plenty of "funerals" happen in funeral homes. I've also been to things called "memorial services" or "celebrations of life" that were held in churches without caskets.

[Anonymous]

I'm traumatized by the funerals. They all should have been in jar and left where ever.