Wife doesn't want a funeral

[Anonymous]

I've changed my mind completely on this. I used to think it was important to have a gravestone for genealogical research since that has been an interest of mine. I now just want to be cremated and ashes scattered. I don't want a funeral either and in the past expected to have one. I think it's because I'm older (in my 60s) and closer to death. I just want to go out quietly. I have less and less attachment to things and places and I think it's just been my evolution.

[Anonymous]

^^and yes, the costs are ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

I don't want one. Care about me when I'm living, not dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a person who's always felt tolerated rather than accepted, I don't want a funeral. Either no one besides my husband and kids would be there or people who never really cared about me when I was alive (including my own parents if they outlive me) would come and be hypocrites.

This! Why pretend to care about me when I'm dead when you did care when I was alive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't want a funeral and neither does DH.

I don't want one either. It's a moot point anyway bc nobody would organize one for me, but yeah, I would hate that.

[Anonymous]

OP -- no reason you should be connecting these dots. No reason this should be any or your business either but mostly it's useless to be trying to reach a conclusion about this

[Anonymous]

My mom died and always said she wanted us to have a party to celebrate her life. Catholic, and was also cremated. It was maybe a month after she died. We did have a “wake” for local folks to immediately process and get together. My mom was a high school teacher in a rural town so she was an important member of the community even after she retired and she had died after a year of aggressive illness. It was done in her style. Wonderful food, at my parents’ farmhouse in the fall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a person who's always felt tolerated rather than accepted, I don't want a funeral. Either no one besides my husband and kids would be there or people who never really cared about me when I was alive (including my own parents if they outlive me) would come and be hypocrites.

I’m so sorry that the people in your life — especially your parents — have let you down. You’re as worthy of respect, affection and love as everyone else. You deserve better. I hope you’re working with a therapist to unpack all of this.

However, funerals are actually for the living. If there are people who care about your spouse and children, your funeral would be the time for those people to lend them support.

[Anonymous]

Most people forgo them now. NBD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband’s aunt didn’t have one for her husband when he passed, and honestly it felt like something was missing.

I personally think that they are important. Cultures all over the world and throughout history have had rituals around death and grieving. I think it’s an important thing for humans to experience to help move through the grieving process.

It’s harder now that so many people live far away from their loved ones though. And in general, I think Americans handle death and grieving poorly. So people skipping funerals is definitely something that happens. I don’t like it though.

Agreed. I think the move away from having funerals goes hand in hand with the American tendency to try to deny death. I think it'll be really interesting to see how this plays out as more Baby Boomers pass away.

I think it has to do with Covid. During lockdowns in my hometown people either couldn't have funerals or could only have a limited number of people. I think they saw that big funerals aren't a requirement. When I read the death notices from there now, I'd say over half are direct cremations and perhaps a celebration of life at a later date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a person who's always felt tolerated rather than accepted, I don't want a funeral. Either no one besides my husband and kids would be there or people who never really cared about me when I was alive (including my own parents if they outlive me) would come and be hypocrites.

I’m so sorry that the people in your life — especially your parents — have let you down. You’re as worthy of respect, affection and love as everyone else. You deserve better. I hope you’re working with a therapist to unpack all of this.

However, funerals are actually for the living. If there are people who care about your spouse and children, your funeral would be the time for those people to lend them support.

I hated my mother's funeral - it was an ordeal not a comfort. My father who died after her said no funeral for him.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to understand the decision or what it means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t want one either. IMO it’s pointless and costs a lot of money.

Same. My sister died a few weeks ago. She didn’t want a funeral and was cremated. There will be a celebration of life in a few weeks. Those are my plans too.

[Anonymous]

If it’s more than no traditional funeral and actually no gathering of any kind (no wake/no o ginger sandwiches at the house with a slide show, no celebration of life for a few months later) that is pretty unusual, though I’ve known several people who didn’t want anything whatsoever.

In any case, it’s probably what the person wanted or what they bereaved can handle so no need to speculate about some other motive.

[Anonymous]

I don’t want a funeral either. If DH or someone else close to me died suddenly, the thought of hosting an event, having to talk to people, listen to their condolences and see the pity on their faces would not e something I’d want to deal with.

This. When my mother died, my father was a wreck. He could not think straight and if not for his children, there would have been no service. In fact he stopped taking his medications and ended up in the hospital for several weeks after. So don't judge OP. This might be a very, very hard time for this man's wife. Everyone grieves differently. What you might need is not necessarily what she might need.