Finally separated from cheating man child husband
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Anonymous
NP. You sound like one of the gaslighters OP has been surrounded with. |
Anonymous
Op here. The crux of our conflict: - his chronic under/unemployment. For the past 3 years he chose to not work on his business and focus exclusively on his hobbies: writing his novel and writing and singing songs; he was in 3 local bands. Meanwhile he would come to me and whine about how he is so stressed as he doesn’t have money for his upcoming tax bill. I told him it’s opportunity cost of choosing to focus on his art instead of stabilizing his income. He was furious at me and blew up at me and yelled that he wanted a divorce. This was in the April of this year. - we were married for 10 years during which he demonstrated no interest in having a family or setting us up where we could have that. When we married at 30 and I said hey let’s have a baby. He looked at me like I was crazy and that I was acting like we were 40 and we can’t afford a baby right now! He spent the past decade figuring out what he wanted to do and dabbling in his hobbies and pushing away any discussions of family or home and I grew increasingly depressed and sad and frustrated watching everyone else move on to other stages of life. When we finally started TTC 4 years ago… I had fertility issues and we needed to do ivf. This made my husband more anxious as he said we didn’t have money…we tried 1 transfer and after that he shut down conversations of more. |
Anonymous
If you're this fragile then you need to get off the internet and get into therapy. I'm serious. |
Anonymous
Print out what you wrote and take it to a therapist. There are so many red flags in what you wrote I don't even know where to begin. |
Anonymous
Red flags about what? |
Anonymous
Grey rock him and move on. I also had a toxic cheating ex, although I found out and kicked him out. Because we had kids together, I didn’t say a word about his behavior, although I did tell key people in my universe - my parents, siblings and a few key friends. I cut contact with all our mutual friends - quite costly to me because some of them were professional. Please tell some people that you are close to who can offer you support and help you hang on to what is normal. Stop focusing on how unfair it is. It is cruelly unfair, but he will never see or admit that. Every minute you spend trying to figure out why he did this is wasted energy - instead pour that energy into yourself and creating the life you want. FWIW, two decades later, everyone who supported him initially - friends, family and his kids - now see that he is the loser and I am the sane one. His second wife kicked him out, and he lost his job multiple times after me. Please also get in to therapy. I am not saying you caused this, but you really need to examine why you did not end this sooner - after the first knowledge of chatting on dating apps? Or when he refused to continue IVF? Or when he refused to stand up for you against his toxic mom? We women are raised in a toxic culture when it comes to relationships. You really need to examine that in therapy and break some patterns in order to move on and create the life you want with or without another man. |
Anonymous
I mean the first red flag is that you were married to a man that had no interest in having a baby, but you don’t seem to have realized that until after you were married and even when you did, you didn’t end the marriage. I mean, you could have saved yourself 10 years with this fool, and the main question in therapy is “why did I stay with a person who so obviously didn’t want the same things in life?” That isn’t just bad luck. That was you accepting less for yourself for a long period of time u til he actually left you. In therapy, you should look at the beliefs you have that made you tolerate that instead of taking action. |
Anonymous
Thank you, will do! |
Anonymous
Ok cool story? |
Anonymous
Don’t be a jerk, PP. OP, being abused by someone and then having the abuser turn around and accuse the victim of abuse is very common. It is so common that it has an acronym - DARVO - deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. Please Google and read up on it. You should also look up some of the “power and control wheels” on Duluthmodel.org. They have wheels for various forms of abuse & they have wheels for what equality in relationships looks like. |
Anonymous
Everyone meaning her lying cheating Ex, and his family who he probably also lied to or who are just going to take his side regardless. Yep that’s definitely “everyone!” LOL. |
Anonymous
Mutual friends, too. |
Anonymous
| OP, I think you are looking for validation that you need to seek within yourself, in therapy. So much of what you say you have dealt with in the past decade is, in part, a result of you accepting some terrible behavior on the part of your ex. Your next task is to really dive into therapy not only to deal with the feelings of the marriage dissolving and your anger at him, and confusion at how he's turned others against you, but also the dynamics of the relationship in the first place and why you let this guy steal your dreams and what you might do differently in the future. Arguing here with people hoping to get them to 'see your side' of things--when it's kind of a pointless endeavor and doesn't really matter--is indicative that you do not have strong coping skills or self-knowledge. that's okay, many people do not, but therapy can really help you develop them so that you can process this one and so that your next serious relationship is a happy and healthy one (not that you should start dating anytime soon). |
Anonymous
Are you serious? You've been with this man for TEN YEARS with no improvement, in fact, there has been a decline. Yet it wasn't until HE LEFT that you were forced to do anything about the miserable situation you have been complaining about for a decade. HE has a tax bill? You're married - why is not also yours? For someone who has been desperate to have a child with this person, you seem very oddly unattached to your marriage, except in theory. SIX MONTHS ago he blew up at you and said he wanted a divorce but now you're shocked he cheated on you and left? Where did you think things were going? At the BEGINNING of your marriage he said you were crazy for wanting a baby but you just kept along for that ride for ten years for some reason. Also, you waited until after you were married to say hey, let's have a baby. This guy has never been bought in on your marriage or the idea of a family with you. How have you never seen that in all this time? I mean, do you need more? You sound incredibly immature, emotionally stunted, and woefully incapable of handling your life. You really need to be in therapy to unpack all of this. |
Anonymous
- Tax bill. At that point my husband was choosing to not work or improve our financial situation. He knew his business was failing but instead of applying to jobs or working on his business development, he would sleep in till 2 pm, wake up angry, go out to get a sandwich, come back and start playing on his guitar and go on twitter and laugh at memes. After dinner I would go to bed and he would wake up until 2-4 am drinking by himself and messaging other women on tinder, bumble and hinge. I was frustrated as the tax bill was a self-created problem. When I told him to consider getting. Job, he said, and I quote, “ I’ll kill myself if you make me get a job!” “ I’m an aristocrat of the soul and don’t want be a wage slave!” So…it made me less compelled to bail him out as I would be enabling him. - blowing up at me. We had fallen into a pattern and a stand off where I needed him to get a stable job so that we could proceed with ivf and all that entails financially. He refused to work and refused to discuss ivf and we would end up in fights where he’d scream and say he wants a divorce. Afterwards we’d make up and he’d say of course he didn’t mean that. It happened so much I’m not sure which divorce threat I’m supposed to take seriously? - the baby conversation. When we met I was a part time baby sitter and loved my job. I talked about children and wanting babies all the time. He said he found it adorable and said he wanted babies too. We talked forever about our mixed race kids and had a huge list of names! I found out after we got married that he liked babies in theory…but was no where mentally and financially ready for them in real life. At 30, I was so in love with him I was happy to wait a year or two…but that dragged on for far longer and I got more and more depressed! And then there was sunk cost fallacy where I was like okay, this time I will make him want a baby, we are so close! I mean… he even did ivf with me and we have 2 embryos! - why didn’t I leave? At first I loved him really truly. I thought it I was patient and waited a little he’d be on board with baby, settle in a career and our problems will go away. Do you have more? Truly id love to hear. I want to learn from this. |