Finally separated from cheating man child husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you want to have a baby with this man?

Yeah, work on untangling this. You stayed for so long with someone like that. Why?

Op here. The crux of our conflict:

- his chronic under/unemployment. For the past 3 years he chose to not work on his business and focus exclusively on his hobbies: writing his novel and writing and singing songs; he was in 3 local bands. Meanwhile he would come to me and whine about how he is so stressed as he doesn’t have money for his upcoming tax bill. I told him it’s opportunity cost of choosing to focus on his art instead of stabilizing his income. He was furious at me and blew up at me and yelled that he wanted a divorce. This was in the April of this year.
- we were married for 10 years during which he demonstrated no interest in having a family or setting us up where we could have that. When we married at 30 and I said hey let’s have a baby. He looked at me like I was crazy and that I was acting like we were 40 and we can’t afford a baby right now! He spent the past decade figuring out what he wanted to do and dabbling in his hobbies and pushing away any discussions of family or home and I grew increasingly depressed and sad and frustrated watching everyone else move on to other stages of life. When we finally started TTC 4 years ago… I had fertility issues and we needed to do ivf. This made my husband more anxious as he said we didn’t have money…we tried 1 transfer and after that he shut down conversations of more.

Print out what you wrote and take it to a therapist. There are so many red flags in what you wrote I don't even know where to begin.

Red flags about what?

Are you serious?

You've been with this man for TEN YEARS with no improvement, in fact, there has been a decline. Yet it wasn't until HE LEFT that you were forced to do anything about the miserable situation you have been complaining about for a decade.

HE has a tax bill? You're married - why is not also yours? For someone who has been desperate to have a child with this person, you seem very oddly unattached to your marriage, except in theory.

SIX MONTHS ago he blew up at you and said he wanted a divorce but now you're shocked he cheated on you and left? Where did you think things were going?

At the BEGINNING of your marriage he said you were crazy for wanting a baby but you just kept along for that ride for ten years for some reason. Also, you waited until after you were married to say hey, let's have a baby. This guy has never been bought in on your marriage or the idea of a family with you. How have you never seen that in all this time?

I mean, do you need more? You sound incredibly immature, emotionally stunted, and woefully incapable of handling your life. You really need to be in therapy to unpack all of this.

- Tax bill. At that point my husband was choosing to not work or improve our financial situation. He knew his business was failing but instead of applying to jobs or working on his business development, he would sleep in till 2 pm, wake up angry, go out to get a sandwich, come back and start playing on his guitar and go on twitter and laugh at memes. After dinner I would go to bed and he would wake up until 2-4 am drinking by himself and messaging other women on tinder, bumble and hinge. I was frustrated as the tax bill was a self-created problem. When I told him to consider getting. Job, he said, and I quote, “ I’ll kill myself if you make me get a job!” “ I’m an aristocrat of the soul and don’t want be a wage slave!” So…it made me less compelled to bail him out as I would be enabling him.


- blowing up at me. We had fallen into a pattern and a stand off where I needed him to get a stable job so that we could proceed with ivf and all that entails financially. He refused to work and refused to discuss ivf and we would end up in fights where he’d scream and say he wants a divorce. Afterwards we’d make up and he’d say of course he didn’t mean that. It happened so much I’m not sure which divorce threat I’m supposed to take seriously?

- the baby conversation. When we met I was a part time baby sitter and loved my job. I talked about children and wanting babies all the time. He said he found it adorable and said he wanted babies too. We talked forever about our mixed race kids and had a huge list of names! I found out after we got married that he liked babies in theory…but was no where mentally and financially ready for them in real life. At 30, I was so in love with him I was happy to wait a year or two…but that dragged on for far longer and I got more and more depressed! And then there was sunk cost fallacy where I was like okay, this time I will make him want a baby, we are so close! I mean… he even did ivf with me and we have 2 embryos!

- why didn’t I leave? At first I loved him really truly. I thought it I was patient and waited a little he’d be on board with baby, settle in a career and our problems will go away.

Do you have more? Truly id love to hear. I want to learn from this.

Therapy. That's what I've got for you. You really need to unpack why you wasted your 30's on someone who treated you so poorly. You also need to figure out where you're going from here.