AITA? Mortgage still in my name

[Anonymous]

By the way if he kills a family with a dui he may lose the house and would still owe the mortgage. Which means you would still owe the mortgage. You need to get your name off it today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would file in court with my lawyer tomorrow. It could still take years. Obviously he doesn’t care about being in contempt of court. At least get the process started.

Stop communicating with him. Maybe write one more message that he’s taken advantage of you for years and you’re not taking it anymore. And please communicate through the attorney from now on. And that’s it.

And even if he commits suicide it’s not your fault. Just telling you that now. Not at all.

OP here. Thanks for this.
Another commenter mentioned something about me “still hanging on” or something like that. I have zero romantic feelings or hopes with him. I want nothing to do with him. The reason I’ve been way too patient is because of his mental health. And partly because I have been harboring guilt.
I did the right thing for MY mental health and my life, but I do truly feel bad for him and I know he feels like I abandoned him, stopped supporting him, not honoring our vows etc. But again I had to get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By the way if he kills a family with a dui he may lose the house and would still owe the mortgage. Which means you would still owe the mortgage. You need to get your name off it today.

Not if the property is held as tenants by the entirety. Depends on how they set it up and which state. Get a good lawyer OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi ou just need to file a quit claim. I don’t see why a judge would force the sale if no monies are owed to you. You file quit claim and his mortgage company will refinance him into a new, solo loan.

Do not do this! A quitclaim is only to be removed from the deed. It will not affect your mortgage. OP, if you are on the mortgage, you should stay on the deed. You have the risk of default, you should have the reward of title. Get a lawyer.

+1. Earlier poster has bad advice. The quitclaim deed and mortgage are not linked. You need to get off the mortgage and when he is refinancing then you do a quit claim deed to get off the deed. Things must be done in the proper order. I would consult a real estate attorney. Not a divorce lawyer. You need a real estate attorney to advise you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend bought out his ex wife and was able to refinance at his original 2.5 rate. The lender had an exception for divorce.

That is not common. Most lenders don't do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why you aren't having your lawyer take care of this for you.

It’s been 2 business days and I’m still doing consults and figuring out who will best represent my interests. That’s why. Where I live everyone is also on vacation so I am getting pushed to next week by half the firms. I’m not going to compromise on representation in a panic.

You need a real estate attorney. Divorce is done. This is a property issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me. Except I was the ex who kept the house and his name on the mortgage. It ended boosting his credit score immensely. And i just had to offer proof that I solely paid the mortgage. And our divorce decree.

OP here. Thanks for this perspective. Was it a tumultuous divorce?
My ex is not crazy or violent or anything like that, but the texts and emails that I get are incredibly frustrating. I feel awful that he is still mourning this, but I did everything I could. Couples therapy, I was incredibly supportive and patient, got him through all of the terrible situations he put himself into.
I told him for two years that I was going to leave if he didn’t stop. I know many others would stick around and continue to be someone’s rock, but I couldn’t.

After you get off the mortgage and then the deed, block him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why you aren't having your lawyer take care of this for you.

It’s been 2 business days and I’m still doing consults and figuring out who will best represent my interests. That’s why. Where I live everyone is also on vacation so I am getting pushed to next week by half the firms. I’m not going to compromise on representation in a panic.

You need a real estate attorney. Divorce is done. This is a property issue.

OP here. I did not write this. Another poster said they wrote it here instead of another thread by accident.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NTA. But, unless you want this to drag on forever, you should probably move on it. I watched a few cases (attorney, not my field of practice, but do a lot of motions practice). All a judge can really do is keep on telling him to sell it. Judges can and sometimes do give time and more time and more time. I saw one case go on for two years and no resolution except for the judge to keep reminding the co-owner they were in contempt and giving a new deadline.

Can't they force a sale? And award attorney's fees?

Well, the Judge kept ordering him to sell, but he refused to sign the papers. That poor wife had a financial mess because he also wasn't paying the mortgage.

You can go to jail for contempt of court, even in civil suits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you mean that you want him to refinance the loan for the sole purpose of removing you from the mortgage? He doesn't need to pay you any of that equity? If the answer is yes, that's a ridiculous thing for him to have agreed to do. That will cost him a LOT of money each month when his interest rate goes up.

OP here. Yes, that’s exactly it. I just want my name off of it.
Granted, who knows where I’ll be in a year. I have money saved and may very well want to purchase a small home if interest rates ever go down. And I won’t be able to with that mortgage still in my name.
But yes, as of now, this is purely because I don’t want my name on it anymore.
And yes, that’s why I feel like the AH.

Why? It's being paid and it's almost 50% financed at this point. People buy multiple properties all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you mean that you want him to refinance the loan for the sole purpose of removing you from the mortgage? He doesn't need to pay you any of that equity? If the answer is yes, that's a ridiculous thing for him to have agreed to do. That will cost him a LOT of money each month when his interest rate goes up.

OP here. Yes, that’s exactly it. I just want my name off of it.
Granted, who knows where I’ll be in a year. I have money saved and may very well want to purchase a small home if interest rates ever go down. And I won’t be able to with that mortgage still in my name.
But yes, as of now, this is purely because I don’t want my name on it anymore.
And yes, that’s why I feel like the AH.

Why? It's being paid and it's almost 50% financed at this point. People buy multiple properties all the time.

OP here. I’m aware of this. I make under $100k annually and was told a second mortgage would be highly unlikely due to the condo one. No, I haven’t formally applied for one but I assumed that was accurate.
But tbh that’s kind of beside the point. I don’t want to be on the condo or any way associated with my ex.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound rational, kind and clear headed about valuing your independence and a clean break over any financial gain. Good for you.

What I also read is that you're applying rational expectations and thinking to a scenario where the other person is an alcoholic.

The drama, emotion, manipulation, "woe is me", yadda yadda yadda I read as a function of alcoholism. He may or may not be mourning the marriage. He is almost certainly simply an alcoholic.

Perhaps if you view these delays and tactics as a symptom of alcoholism, rather than emotional pain you have anything to do with, it will be easier for you to manage it.

Send him a letter and tell him if he doesn't take demonstrable action within X weeks you will be getting an attorney to handle it for you. You don't need to say anything more.

Then do it. Go get an attorney. Pay her/him to do this. Direct them to file for the necessary action AND for recovery of costs. Listen to them if they suggest asking for anything more.

It is worth some money to get yourself legally/financially fully unentangled. And he may not be capable of handling this without legal consequences. In fact, even then he may not be capable but if that's the case then he's on a likely downward slide of functionality - so that's all the more reason you need to get fully out asap. It will only get worse and you cannot have your credit rating suffer the consequences of his drinking.

I'm sorry. It is awful to try to extricate oneself from connections w/ people you love/d who are so sick w/ addictions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound rational, kind and clear headed about valuing your independence and a clean break over any financial gain. Good for you.

What I also read is that you're applying rational expectations and thinking to a scenario where the other person is an alcoholic.

The drama, emotion, manipulation, "woe is me", yadda yadda yadda I read as a function of alcoholism. He may or may not be mourning the marriage. He is almost certainly simply an alcoholic.

Perhaps if you view these delays and tactics as a symptom of alcoholism, rather than emotional pain you have anything to do with, it will be easier for you to manage it.

Send him a letter and tell him if he doesn't take demonstrable action within X weeks you will be getting an attorney to handle it for you. You don't need to say anything more.

Then do it. Go get an attorney. Pay her/him to do this. Direct them to file for the necessary action AND for recovery of costs. Listen to them if they suggest asking for anything more.

It is worth some money to get yourself legally/financially fully unentangled. And he may not be capable of handling this without legal consequences. In fact, even then he may not be capable but if that's the case then he's on a likely downward slide of functionality - so that's all the more reason you need to get fully out asap. It will only get worse and you cannot have your credit rating suffer the consequences of his drinking.

I'm sorry. It is awful to try to extricate oneself from connections w/ people you love/d who are so sick w/ addictions.

OP here. Thank you so much for this. Needed to hear it.

[Anonymous]

How would the OP know if her ex has stopped paying the mortgage? Even if he has missed some payments, it will certainly be reflected on the OP’s credit score.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why you aren't having your lawyer take care of this for you.

It’s been 2 business days and I’m still doing consults and figuring out who will best represent my interests. That’s why. Where I live everyone is also on vacation so I am getting pushed to next week by half the firms. I’m not going to compromise on representation in a panic.

You need a real estate attorney. Divorce is done. This is a property issue.

+1. Get a real estate attorney. It’s OK to take a week to find one but don’t drag it out as other PPs have pointed out that your name on the mortgage presents serious financial risk for you.

Do not talk to him anymore. Do not do his homework. It is not your job to figure out how he can refinance. It is not your job to ask him yet another time to take care of this. It is also not your job to warn him that you will get an attorney involved. You do not owe him any of that, even if he is an addict. In fact, by doing that you are protecting him from the consequences of his addiction and thus furthering his addiction.

Once you are represented by an attorney, you should not initiate contact with him nor pick up or respond - simply forward any communication from him to your attorney who should respond on your behalf and say that you do not want to be in contact and that all matters should be directed to the attorney.

Your attorney will help plan a strategy that protects you - send a demand letter? Just file to force the sale? Ask for a neutral 3rd party to conduct the sale?

“My mortgage payment will go up because interest rates are high now.” Isn’t a defense to a suit to enforce terms of a divorce agreement. There are no kids involved. Your husband is far wealthier than you. You did not take equity you were probably entitled to in exchange for agreement to sell or refinance by X date, which he hasn’t done. You have graciously extended his time. The house is worth 1.2 million with 500k of equity, so there is no financial or economic justification for his delay.

In addition to getting a lawyer, please find yourself an individual therapist. I am saying that with kindness, having been in your position. You have weak boundaries. You inappropriately take responsibility for others. You put your own legitimate reasonable interests last. It’s not your fault that you ended up in a relationship with a substance abuser. His substance abuse isn’t your fault. You need to take responsibility, however, for how you are responding. What is it in your own upbringing that has taught you to accept this kind of behavior from people? Why do you feel guilty about it? There’s a difference between having a feeling of sadness and not wanting anyone to go through this, but that’s empathy not guilt. Also guilt implies that you feel like you should be doing something that you’re not. His alcohol problem is not your responsibility. It’s not something you are capable of fixing. And, by continuing to try and help him, you are actually insulating him from the natural consequences of his behavior and therefore making it very unlikely that he will ever grow or change.

Finally, the issue isn’t that you are hanging onto him. The issue is he is hanging onto you. Just like with a child, sometimes when a person can’t get positive attention from someone, then they will look for negative attention. He is consciously or unconsciously deliberately creating drama with you to feed something in himself that he needs. it’s not healthy, and by continuing to pick up the other end of his rope, you are just helping him continue an unhealthy pattern. If you do really care about him, then stop.

If you are concerned about his mental health, and he gets in touch by phone or email and makes any statement that sounds like a threat to self harm, simply call 911, restate the threat, and ask for a welfare check.

It may sound cold, but once you stop contact with him, his behavior toward you will likely extinguish. Also, once it is clear that he has to sell the house, you may find that he magically figures it out.