AITA? Mortgage still in my name

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
It’s a $1.2 mill condo. There’s around $700k left on the mortgage (I am probably off, but around there).
No kids / no child support / no alimony. Everything with the divorce is done, there’s no pending dates or $ issues etc etc. This is it.

Yes, I’m being a doormat. Yes, he’s treating me how I am letting him treat me. Honestly I think I just needed some validation. Appreciate the candor / tough love here!

You got this! Pivot - Now.

[Anonymous]

My friend bought out his ex wife and was able to refinance at his original 2.5 rate. The lender had an exception for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Context: We separated in April of 2023, had court in January of 2024, and the divorce became official in March of 2024. We’re in New England, not DC (I don’t think that matters here but just in case), I lived here a while back which is why I’m still on this page sometimes. No kids. Both late 30’s.

He makes about 7 times what I make, and although we purchased our home 1 year after marriage/ commingling all bank accounts, I didn’t ask for any equity/ buyout whatsoever since it was a short marriage (4 years) and the down payment was probably all of his money (hard to say exactly since our accounts were combined but I made very little in comparison to him). It didnt feel right asking for $ from the condo since it was basically his purchase (there’s differing opinions on this, i know).
Another reason I didn’t want to ask for anything from the condo is because it was a crappy divorce. He’s a bad alcoholic and made the process hell. Refused to get help, it ruined the marriage, I couldn’t take it anymore (withdrawal ER visits, crashed my car, DUI, several other incidents).

He still lives there. Per our divorce agreement, he was to sell or refinance within 6 months, in order to get my name off the mortgage/ deed. About 3 months into that 6 month period, he asked if he could have more time. I said yes of course (with no real timeline).
The reason he asked for more time was because he really wasn’t sure if he wanted to sell and move, or keep it. Refinancing would cause his interest rate to go from 2.9% to 6.8% which would be a HUGE amount.

Fast forward 1.5 years to now. I want my name off this mortgage. It’s just one of those things that is on my mind, as it’s still tying me to him. He has not taken the divorce well and there’s been several texts, emails etc that have been concerning / extremely sad / dramatic etc. I ignore them. But again this is just the last thing tying me to him, and it’s a big one (IMO). I emailed him to ask where he was at with regards to the condo. He isn’t ready to refinance and doesn’t want to sell. I kindly reminded him that the agreement said he was supposed to do this 1.5 years ago and there’s a chance I may look at purchasing early next year. I also told him that this shows up on my credit as well as it’s a HUGE debt. I am trying to be as nice as possible but he is not budging. He wants me to beg and grovel even though I’m not doing anything wrong.

I asked the lawyer what to do and she said he’s essentially in contempt of court. I haven’t used that term with him yet.

I feel like an AH because this is a really crappy position to put him in, but I feel like I’ve been patient enough. Thoughts?

Look out for yourself and move on - for good.

He isn't going to do this voluntarily. You know this. I think you also know that deep down you are hanging onto something here. I'm not judging, just observing. Why are you worried what your alcoholic ex-husband thinks of you? Why haven't you blocked his communications?

You need to rip the bandaid off and enforce the court order. Block all of his phone numbers/emails/messages and engage your lawyer to do the necessary. You owe it to yourself to move on.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure why you aren't having your lawyer take care of this for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why you aren't having your lawyer take care of this for you.

It’s been 2 business days and I’m still doing consults and figuring out who will best represent my interests. That’s why. Where I live everyone is also on vacation so I am getting pushed to next week by half the firms. I’m not going to compromise on representation in a panic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why you aren't having your lawyer take care of this for you.

It’s been 2 business days and I’m still doing consults and figuring out who will best represent my interests. That’s why. Where I live everyone is also on vacation so I am getting pushed to next week by half the firms. I’m not going to compromise on representation in a panic.

Sorry, TOTALLY wrong thread. Good luck, OP. It’s a messy situation but you are getting solid, rational advice in between some of the criticism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him to request a simple loan assumption from the lender, to remove your name and just leave him on it. Most lenders will do this. and then he doesn't have to refinance at a higher rate.
Send him this request in a email and tell him he has 1 week to do it and then send you confirmation of the request to the lender. CC your lawyer, and say if it's not done in a week, your lawyer will file a contempt of court

It is insanely hard to do this.

[Anonymous]

OP are you still on the title? I'm the person who still has her ex on the mortgage. If you're still on the title then you have more leverage, have you tried approaching the mortgage company directly and show them your divorce decree and ask to be removed from both mortgage and title?

This might save you a lot of time and lawyer's fees.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Yes I’m on both the mortgage and deed.
The mortgage lender got back to me last night and we spoke. They will not do a mortgage assumption. They don’t care about the divorce / divorce decree (they didn’t say it like that, but basically it doesn’t matter).

[Anonymous]

OP here again.
Re: the lawyer should be involved - We hired a lawyer to do the paperwork, but that was it. We otherwise mediated between ourselves via email. With no kids and me wanting to make this as easy as possible, there wasn’t much to figure out.
When I contacted the lawyer around 6 months ago for advice on this, she said she couldn’t really represent me if needed since she technically worked for both of us at the time, but she did tell me he was in contempt of court.
I will happily hire another lawyer to guide me through this process and to handle this entire thing if needed, though.

[Anonymous]

You had a terrible lawyer. Why didn't they push you to take half that you were owed in the equity of the condo?
If they did you would not be in this mess. You left money on the table. He made 7 times more than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.
Re: the lawyer should be involved - We hired a lawyer to do the paperwork, but that was it. We otherwise mediated between ourselves via email. With no kids and me wanting to make this as easy as possible, there wasn’t much to figure out.
When I contacted the lawyer around 6 months ago for advice on this, she said she couldn’t really represent me if needed since she technically worked for both of us at the time, but she did tell me he was in contempt of court.
I will happily hire another lawyer to guide me through this process and to handle this entire thing if needed, though.

Girl, go get your condo! Lawyer up and work through them. Do not engage with X at all. You tried to work out out with him, now you have to be good to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Hi ou just need to file a quit claim. I don’t see why a judge would force the sale if no monies are owed to you. You file quit claim and his mortgage company will refinance him into a new, solo loan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi ou just need to file a quit claim. I don’t see why a judge would force the sale if no monies are owed to you. You file quit claim and his mortgage company will refinance him into a new, solo loan.

Do not do this! A quitclaim is only to be removed from the deed. It will not affect your mortgage. OP, if you are on the mortgage, you should stay on the deed. You have the risk of default, you should have the reward of title. Get a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

I would file in court with my lawyer tomorrow. It could still take years. Obviously he doesn’t care about being in contempt of court. At least get the process started.

Stop communicating with him. Maybe write one more message that he’s taken advantage of you for years and you’re not taking it anymore. And please communicate through the attorney from now on. And that’s it.

And even if he commits suicide it’s not your fault. Just telling you that now. Not at all.