AITA? Mortgage still in my name

[Anonymous]

Context: We separated in April of 2023, had court in January of 2024, and the divorce became official in March of 2024. We’re in New England, not DC (I don’t think that matters here but just in case), I lived here a while back which is why I’m still on this page sometimes. No kids. Both late 30’s.

He makes about 7 times what I make, and although we purchased our home 1 year after marriage/ commingling all bank accounts, I didn’t ask for any equity/ buyout whatsoever since it was a short marriage (4 years) and the down payment was probably all of his money (hard to say exactly since our accounts were combined but I made very little in comparison to him). It didnt feel right asking for $ from the condo since it was basically his purchase (there’s differing opinions on this, i know).
Another reason I didn’t want to ask for anything from the condo is because it was a crappy divorce. He’s a bad alcoholic and made the process hell. Refused to get help, it ruined the marriage, I couldn’t take it anymore (withdrawal ER visits, crashed my car, DUI, several other incidents).

He still lives there. Per our divorce agreement, he was to sell or refinance within 6 months, in order to get my name off the mortgage/ deed. About 3 months into that 6 month period, he asked if he could have more time. I said yes of course (with no real timeline).
The reason he asked for more time was because he really wasn’t sure if he wanted to sell and move, or keep it. Refinancing would cause his interest rate to go from 2.9% to 6.8% which would be a HUGE amount.

Fast forward 1.5 years to now. I want my name off this mortgage. It’s just one of those things that is on my mind, as it’s still tying me to him. He has not taken the divorce well and there’s been several texts, emails etc that have been concerning / extremely sad / dramatic etc. I ignore them. But again this is just the last thing tying me to him, and it’s a big one (IMO). I emailed him to ask where he was at with regards to the condo. He isn’t ready to refinance and doesn’t want to sell. I kindly reminded him that the agreement said he was supposed to do this 1.5 years ago and there’s a chance I may look at purchasing early next year. I also told him that this shows up on my credit as well as it’s a HUGE debt. I am trying to be as nice as possible but he is not budging. He wants me to beg and grovel even though I’m not doing anything wrong.

I asked the lawyer what to do and she said he’s essentially in contempt of court. I haven’t used that term with him yet.

I feel like an AH because this is a really crappy position to put him in, but I feel like I’ve been patient enough. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Not TA. You need to tell him to get your name off the mortgage. This could affect your ability to get a mortgage, get insurance, liability if anything happens. Do this like yesterday.

[Anonymous]

NTAH.

[Anonymous]

He's in contempt of court. Have your lawyer start the process to hold him in contempt and force the house sale. Usually, you get awarded your attorney's fees if he's in contempt. If you think he'd listen to you, you could send him a polite, formal email saying, "I consulted with a lawyer. You are in contempt of court for x reason. Per my lawyer, I will also be awarded my attorney's fees if I have to file in court for contempt. I am giving you 4 weeks' notice to correct this process and avoid costly legal fees. If it is not resolved within 4 weeks, we will initiate court proceedings for contempt and a forced sale, at which point I will seek attorney's fees even if we settle before going to court."

Probably better to run this by an attorney first, but that will cost money. At least have ChatGPT help you with the legal language.

People treat you how you let them. He's drug this out because he knows he can.

[Anonymous]

How much is left on the mortgage? What is the condo worth? How much does he make? Does he have any kids/child support obligations?

[Anonymous]

Stop being a dormat.

[Anonymous]

OP here.
It’s a $1.2 mill condo. There’s around $700k left on the mortgage (I am probably off, but around there).
No kids / no child support / no alimony. Everything with the divorce is done, there’s no pending dates or $ issues etc etc. This is it.

Yes, I’m being a doormat. Yes, he’s treating me how I am letting him treat me. Honestly I think I just needed some validation. Appreciate the candor / tough love here!

[Anonymous]

Tell him to request a simple loan assumption from the lender, to remove your name and just leave him on it. Most lenders will do this. and then he doesn't have to refinance at a higher rate.
Send him this request in a email and tell him he has 1 week to do it and then send you confirmation of the request to the lender. CC your lawyer, and say if it's not done in a week, your lawyer will file a contempt of court

[Anonymous]

OP here. Early last year, I emailed our mortgage contact/ bank and they will not do a mortgage assumption. From what I gather, only specific types of loans will allow you to do this and only in certain states. I spoke with 3 different people at the bank (worked my way up).
I actually emailed them again yesterday (and plan on following up later this week if needed) to quadruple check….
Yes, he should be doing this, but he absolutely won’t until I finally just snap.

[Anonymous]

Definitely not TA. Give him a deadline. This is a pretty big potential liability for you and you need your name off that huge mortgage.

[Anonymous]

That was a really stupid idea to allow him to keep your name on the mortgage without keeping any equity for yourself. It took all leverage off your hands.

Were you ever on the deed or only on the montage ?

[Anonymous]

He’s had 1.5 years to do this and he still hasn’t. You are probably going to have to file for contempt of court and force a sale to get this done.

[Anonymous]

NTA. But, unless you want this to drag on forever, you should probably move on it. I watched a few cases (attorney, not my field of practice, but do a lot of motions practice). All a judge can really do is keep on telling him to sell it. Judges can and sometimes do give time and more time and more time. I saw one case go on for two years and no resolution except for the judge to keep reminding the co-owner they were in contempt and giving a new deadline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NTA. But, unless you want this to drag on forever, you should probably move on it. I watched a few cases (attorney, not my field of practice, but do a lot of motions practice). All a judge can really do is keep on telling him to sell it. Judges can and sometimes do give time and more time and more time. I saw one case go on for two years and no resolution except for the judge to keep reminding the co-owner they were in contempt and giving a new deadline.

Can't they force a sale? And award attorney's fees?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Context: We separated in April of 2023, had court in January of 2024, and the divorce became official in March of 2024. We’re in New England, not DC (I don’t think that matters here but just in case), I lived here a while back which is why I’m still on this page sometimes. No kids. Both late 30’s.

He makes about 7 times what I make, and although we purchased our home 1 year after marriage/ commingling all bank accounts, I didn’t ask for any equity/ buyout whatsoever since it was a short marriage (4 years) and the down payment was probably all of his money (hard to say exactly since our accounts were combined but I made very little in comparison to him). It didnt feel right asking for $ from the condo since it was basically his purchase (there’s differing opinions on this, i know).
Another reason I didn’t want to ask for anything from the condo is because it was a crappy divorce. He’s a bad alcoholic and made the process hell. Refused to get help, it ruined the marriage, I couldn’t take it anymore (withdrawal ER visits, crashed my car, DUI, several other incidents).

He still lives there. Per our divorce agreement, he was to sell or refinance within 6 months, in order to get my name off the mortgage/ deed. About 3 months into that 6 month period, he asked if he could have more time. I said yes of course (with no real timeline).
The reason he asked for more time was because he really wasn’t sure if he wanted to sell and move, or keep it. Refinancing would cause his interest rate to go from 2.9% to 6.8% which would be a HUGE amount.

Fast forward 1.5 years to now. I want my name off this mortgage. It’s just one of those things that is on my mind, as it’s still tying me to him. He has not taken the divorce well and there’s been several texts, emails etc that have been concerning / extremely sad / dramatic etc. I ignore them. But again this is just the last thing tying me to him, and it’s a big one (IMO). I emailed him to ask where he was at with regards to the condo. He isn’t ready to refinance and doesn’t want to sell. I kindly reminded him that the agreement said he was supposed to do this 1.5 years ago and there’s a chance I may look at purchasing early next year. I also told him that this shows up on my credit as well as it’s a HUGE debt. I am trying to be as nice as possible but he is not budging. He wants me to beg and grovel even though I’m not doing anything wrong.

I asked the lawyer what to do and she said he’s essentially in contempt of court. I haven’t used that term with him yet.

I feel like an AH because this is a really crappy position to put him in, but I feel like I’ve been patient enough. Thoughts?

I have been divorced for a year. I can't imagine ever sending a text to my ex wife that is am not doing well etc. this is a major sigh of weakness for a man one thing that defines a man is being able to move on and bounce back stronger. Instead some of these men cry to their ex. I don't get it.