Reply to AITA? Mortgage still in my name

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm not sure why you aren't having your lawyer take care of this for you.[/quote]

It’s been 2 business days and I’m still doing consults and figuring out who will best represent my interests. That’s why. Where I live everyone is also on vacation so I am getting pushed to next week by half the firms. I’m not going to compromise on representation in a panic.[/quote]

You need a real estate attorney. Divorce is done. This is a property issue.[/quote]

+1. Get a real estate attorney. It’s OK to take a week to find one but don’t drag it out as other PPs  have pointed out that your name on the mortgage presents serious financial risk for you.

Do not talk to him anymore. Do not do his homework. It is not your job to figure out how he can refinance. It is not your job to ask him yet another time to take care of this. It is also not your job to warn him that you will get an attorney involved. You do not owe him any of that, even if he is an addict. In fact, by doing that you are protecting him from the consequences of his addiction and thus furthering his addiction.

Once you are represented by an attorney, you should not initiate contact with him nor pick up or respond - simply forward any communication from him to your attorney who should respond on your behalf and say that you do not want to be in contact and that all matters should be directed to the attorney.

Your attorney will help plan a strategy that protects you - send a demand letter? Just file to force the sale? Ask for a neutral 3rd party to conduct the sale?

“My mortgage payment will go up because interest rates are high now.” Isn’t a defense to a suit to enforce terms of a divorce agreement. There are no kids involved. Your husband is far wealthier than you. You did not take equity you were probably entitled to in exchange for agreement to sell or refinance by X date, which he hasn’t done. You have graciously extended his time. The house is worth 1.2 million with 500k of equity, so there is no financial or economic justification for his delay.

In addition to getting a lawyer, please find yourself an individual therapist. I am saying that with kindness, having been in your position.  You have weak boundaries. You inappropriately take responsibility for others. You put your own legitimate reasonable interests last. It’s not your fault that you ended up in a relationship with a substance abuser. His substance abuse isn’t your fault. You need to take responsibility, however, for how you are responding. What is it in your own upbringing that has taught you to accept this kind of behavior from people? Why do you feel guilty about it? There’s a difference between having a feeling of sadness and not wanting anyone to go through this, but that’s empathy not guilt. Also guilt implies that you feel like you should be doing something that you’re not. His alcohol problem is not your responsibility. It’s not something you are capable of fixing. And, by continuing to try and help him, you are actually insulating him from the natural consequences of his behavior and therefore making it very unlikely that he will ever grow or change.

Finally, the issue isn’t that you are hanging onto him. The issue is he is hanging onto you. Just like with a child, sometimes when a person can’t get positive attention from someone, then they will look for negative attention. He is consciously or unconsciously deliberately creating drama with you to feed something in himself that he needs. it’s not healthy, and by continuing to pick up the other end of his rope, you are just helping him continue an unhealthy pattern. If you do really care about him, then stop.

If you are concerned about his mental health, and he gets in touch by phone or email and makes any statement that sounds like a threat to self harm, simply call 911, restate the threat, and ask for a welfare check.

It may sound cold, but once you stop contact with him, his behavior toward you will likely extinguish.  Also, once it is clear that he has to sell the house, you may find that he magically figures it out.
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