Family member acting fearful after being called out—Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a long story that could probably be split into three posts, but I’ll try to keep it concise.

I have a family member who’s always been difficult. During the last two times we were together, she acted out in public in ways that were inappropriate and uncomfortable. After the second incident, I gently brought it up and told her it made me uncomfortable. She didn’t take it well—she cried and abruptly left.
Some time passed, and we eventually agreed to meet for lunch. What followed was the most awkward, uncomfortable interaction I’ve ever had. She wouldn’t make eye contact, barely spoke (just one-word answers), didn’t eat, and fidgeted nonstop. She honestly looked like a scared, wounded animal. I told my husband afterward that it felt like someone had forced her to have lunch with a known criminal.
I didn’t say anything in the moment—it was just too bizarre. Her reaction seems wildly out of proportion to how gently I approached the earlier conversation. The only explanation I can come up with is that she’s embarrassed and trying to shift blame, like “You were so mean to me that I’m now afraid of you.” Or like a form of passive-aggressive punishment, like, “You hurt my feelings, so now I’ll make you uncomfortable, too.”

So now I’m stuck. The elephant in the room clearly needs addressing, but I have no idea how to move forward. How do I approach this? And what could she be trying to achieve with this behavior?

You made her cry and didn't apologize? How weird.

"I'm sorry if what I said was too harsh. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." is a good start.

Oh, that happened way back at the time of the incident. This is weeks later. I thought we had moved past it, but apparently not.

Ok well OP - impossible to say since you won’t give any more facts. But in general, you cannot control how quickly someone moves past an incident just because you feel like they should have. Obviously your mother is still really upset over what happened. Only you can say if this is part of a pattern of overreaction on her part or not. Given that you seem so perplexed by it, sounds like it is an authentic reaction on her part. She’s upset.

+1.

There are a lot of things that could be at play here, but at the most basic level, whatever you said and did when you called her out seems to have affected her somewhat seriously. It sounds like you need to have a conversation to clear the air.

[Anonymous]

She could also be losing it. Many dementia/Alz patients get inappropriate. It’s possible she can recognize something is off with her and is hiding it (in her eyes) by minimizing herself. Or she could just be a jerk, who knows.

[Anonymous]

"I gently brought it up and told her it made me uncomfortable. She didn’t take it well—she cried and abruptly left." This was my older sister who I no longer speak to, because she is, I am quite certain, a narcissist with sadistic tendencies. I would tell you stories that would the hair on your skin, how she undermined me over decades. The first thing these people will do when called out is cry, and use DARVO to make you the aggressor and them the "who, me?" victim. These people are masters of their craft, OP. The only thing you can do is end the relationship. Unfriend, unfollow, unheard ever again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"she acted out in public in ways that were inappropriate and uncomfortable"

I feel like we need more info about that

Yes! Like stripped naked at a mall. Yelled obscenities at preschool drop off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even though there are rare forms of personality disorders that make patients deliberately put on displays that are not what they truly feel, the immense majority of people do not do this, OP.

What you saw was probably what she was genuinely feeling.

My wild guess is that this person is on the autism spectrum and cannot control the inappropriate responses that she has, because her brain lacks the universal frame of social reference that non-autistic people use without realizing it. She probably thought you had invited her to harangue her further.

You should not feel bad and there's very little you can do about it, since her feelings are out of your control. You were not abusive in pointing out certain inappropriate behaviors, and she cannot help having the feelings and reactions that she has.

The best you can do is continue living your life. When communicating with her, you should have a gentle tone of voice, and never look angry or upset: if you're upset over something else, she can think you're upset at her. But you do need to use direct language - not accusatory or aggressive - instead of circumlocution, so she clearly understands what you're telling her.

This is what I do with my autistic relatives.

This is hysterical.

PP you replied to. Yes, why don't you scoff at my lived experience. Very kind of you.

The bottom line is that OP's mother can't help herself. She will never change. All OP can do is reduce contact and tell her mother when she's behaving inappropriately. But she cannot get dragged to her level by being emotional herself. She needs to be the adult in the relationship.

That’s not the only response to cut off behavior — some people are embarrassed about something that I’m not. Or I feel strongly about something that others don’t care about. A lot of the answers might change depending on “the crime.” I wasn’t embarrassed about my kids when they went out looking like fools because I don’t think it reflects on me. OP can change her mind on anything she wants to. We all have agency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"she acted out in public in ways that were inappropriate and uncomfortable"

I feel like we need more info about that

Yes! Like stripped naked at a mall. Yelled obscenities at preschool drop off.

Nah, my guess is that she berated some poor waiter or retail clerk or made a racist comment. Not OK and yes you should get called out on it.

[Anonymous]

You both are the issue. Avoid each other respectfully so it doesn’t bother others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"she acted out in public in ways that were inappropriate and uncomfortable"

I feel like we need more info about that

+1

Also if this is uncharacteristic of her, rule out physical or mental issues. Are you seeing the fist signs of dementia? Does she have an untreated UTI (in elderly women, these can cause agitation)?

My friend's grandmother in high school had some kind blood imbalance which caused her to start being really combative and lifting her skirt in public. Getting a physical is a good idea.

But people on DCUM are not in it for the long haul. They're in it to experience the "freeing" feeling of cutting everyone loose. This is not love. Love is being concerned with the other person, not just with yourself, OP. Your mom is not okay, even if it's just her emotions that are hurt, but you don't care.

Nobody can fix another person. Especially not children fixing their own parents. We're not trained therapists, psychologists, or even priests. Clearly whatever is wrong with OP's mom has been wrong for a long time. It's up to her to fix this, together with professionals, if needed. I really object to older generations expectation that someone else, especially their adult children, will solve their mental issues. If it was so easy, there would be some outcome already. Most of us here have dealt with our parents "weird" (let's put it kindly) behavior all our lives.

Why does OP have to solver her mother's problems? She just has to accept her for who she is.

[Anonymous]

Rope in her doctor and tell her you called the office and shared your concerns with them. Elderly people greatly respect and listen to their doctors (mostly). She may be embarrassed.

[Anonymous]

OP, if it's a behaviour control issue, (something organic or related to geriatric physical/ mental health) she wouldn't have flipped personalities to play victim/give you the punishing silent treatment. She wouldn't have been able to NOT do the thing you cautioned her on.

Do the visits as rarely as needed and have witnesses/buffers. Keep the conversation moving. Even better if your kids tell stories about their days/lives as you can use their stories to say 'yes, Larlo, Larla was not using her niece words that day, but ignoring her helped her realize her behaviour was not pleasant' or 'Larla, I like the way you were patient but clear about being safe with your toys' etc. Eventually the hope would be that even if Mum doesn't change, it sinks in that this is a boundary for you.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she feels humiliated by you and this is her reaction?

[Anonymous]

So OP, your words had an effect on her. Good. Now you have to give it time, for the relationship to change and for her to act better and you're not doing that. You're rushing to have the change happen - now. Because you want it now. You want things to be good between you. Not happening right away. It takes time. You did the right thing, initially. You shouldn't regret any of it. What will be the eventual new normal? Nothing's certain but you live with it.

Suggestions for seeing her: Don't make the visit about talking, have an activity. Going to a movie would be ideal. Or something active. Meet on neutral turf. Have short visits. Have the ability to leave, at any time if she creates a scene - have your own wheels and have control or your schedule.

We are all assuming she's not suffering from Alzheimers or a disease she can not control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP she is manipulating you! It’s the boomer version of a toddler holding their breath, You called her out for bad behavior which made her mad. She’s punishing you by acting hurt and weird. It’s working as now you are over analyzing what you should do. Stop this and just move on as normal.

+ 1. Does she have a history of manipulating her family members?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP she is manipulating you! It’s the boomer version of a toddler holding their breath, You called her out for bad behavior which made her mad. She’s punishing you by acting hurt and weird. It’s working as now you are over analyzing what you should do. Stop this and just move on as normal.

+ 1. Does she have a history of manipulating her family members?

Well she's the mother and OP is the daughter, so she has historically been in a position of control of others. Is that "manipulation"? Is it "manipulation" when you have to get your family from Point A to Point B or stop your teenagers from doing something stupid or unsafe? Is it "manipulation" when she tried to get OP to do her homework so she could get into college? Some people seem to think their mother having any power or authority or being deserving of respect is somehow a slight against them. That's very f'd up.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she is punishing you for speaking up and setting a reasonable boundary. She wants to make you feel badly and perhaps retract the boundary and apologize. Don't fall for it. Ignore her wounded animal routine and keep your boundary.