Family member acting fearful after being called out—Now what?

[Anonymous]

Maybe she was looking around for the hit man. Maybe she was told to bring the gold bars with her and leave them in the bathroom on her way out. Maybe her new husband told her to dump her mean, sorry ass DD and she's concerned he'll see her meeting you for lunch.

Why don't you ask her? "Is everything okay?" "I'm so glad you're here" won't hurt either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP she is manipulating you! It’s the boomer version of a toddler holding their breath, You called her out for bad behavior which made her mad. She’s punishing you by acting hurt and weird. It’s working as now you are over analyzing what you should do. Stop this and just move on as normal.

This is what I believe is happening, too. You don’t want to acknowledge it because then she knows this tactic worked and she will likely do it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP she is manipulating you! It’s the boomer version of a toddler holding their breath, You called her out for bad behavior which made her mad. She’s punishing you by acting hurt and weird. It’s working as now you are over analyzing what you should do. Stop this and just move on as normal.

This is what I believe is happening, too. You don’t want to acknowledge it because then she knows this tactic worked and she will likely do it again.

Ick what a way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a long story that could probably be split into three posts, but I’ll try to keep it concise.

I have a family member who’s always been difficult. During the last two times we were together, she acted out in public in ways that were inappropriate and uncomfortable. After the second incident, I gently brought it up and told her it made me uncomfortable. She didn’t take it well—she cried and abruptly left.
Some time passed, and we eventually agreed to meet for lunch. What followed was the most awkward, uncomfortable interaction I’ve ever had. She wouldn’t make eye contact, barely spoke (just one-word answers), didn’t eat, and fidgeted nonstop. She honestly looked like a scared, wounded animal. I told my husband afterward that it felt like someone had forced her to have lunch with a known criminal.
I didn’t say anything in the moment—it was just too bizarre. Her reaction seems wildly out of proportion to how gently I approached the earlier conversation. The only explanation I can come up with is that she’s embarrassed and trying to shift blame, like “You were so mean to me that I’m now afraid of you.” Or like a form of passive-aggressive punishment, like, “You hurt my feelings, so now I’ll make you uncomfortable, too.”

So now I’m stuck. The elephant in the room clearly needs addressing, but I have no idea how to move forward. How do I approach this? And what could she be trying to achieve with this behavior?

You made her cry and didn't apologize? How weird.
"I'm sorry if what I said was too harsh. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." is a good start.

No bad advice! 1. Chances are what OP said wasn’t harsh, her mother just didn’t like it. 2. The mother was the person acting badly in the incident and now playing victim. Don’t feed the monster and play into her being a victim when she behaves inappropriately.

What does “don’t feed the monster” even look like going forward? Based on the way things were when we parted, she’s not letting this go. I don’t want to subject myself to something like this again. Would I just walk away? Then she can play victim again. I feel like I can’t win.

[Anonymous]

How about directly calling it out in the moment? “You’re giving the vibe of being afraid someone is going to shoot you. Are you ok?” Go from there. If she spews some nonsense about being afraid of you, just be matter of fact in your responses.

She sounds mentally ill, to be honest and without knowing the previous behavior. Proceed as you would with anyone who is mentally ill. If you need to pull back, pull back. Also, I’m not sure how old your kids are but if they’re on the younger side, I wouldn’t brought them to the lunch without knowing how/whether your mother was going to behave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP she is manipulating you! It’s the boomer version of a toddler holding their breath, You called her out for bad behavior which made her mad. She’s punishing you by acting hurt and weird. It’s working as now you are over analyzing what you should do. Stop this and just move on as normal.

+1 to the first part. Love the toddler holding their breath image. Just keep on keeping on. Next time you see her, if she behaves similarly, I'd be prepared to say (once) "Is everything okay? You're acting a bit odd." If she wants to engage (doubtful) great. If she says "no I'm fine" and keeps on keeping on (more likely), well then, okay. You keep on keeping on, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP she is manipulating you! It’s the boomer version of a toddler holding their breath, You called her out for bad behavior which made her mad. She’s punishing you by acting hurt and weird. It’s working as now you are over analyzing what you should do. Stop this and just move on as normal.

+1 to the first part. Love the toddler holding their breath image. Just keep on keeping on. Next time you see her, if she behaves similarly, I'd be prepared to say (once) "Is everything okay? You're acting a bit odd." If she wants to engage (doubtful) great. If she says "no I'm fine" and keeps on keeping on (more likely), well then, okay. You keep on keeping on, too.

Thanks. So awkward, though! I guess I’ll just pretend I don’t see anything until she finally gives up and takes a breath!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP she is manipulating you! It’s the boomer version of a toddler holding their breath, You called her out for bad behavior which made her mad. She’s punishing you by acting hurt and weird. It’s working as now you are over analyzing what you should do. Stop this and just move on as normal.

This is what I believe is happening, too. You don’t want to acknowledge it because then she knows this tactic worked and she will likely do it again.

Yes, OP may ask what's wrong and her mom may say "Nothing" and then OP could say, "Come on, you seem upset. Is it about what I said the last time we were together?" And then maybe OP can apologize again and maybe her mother will grudginly accept her apology and they can move forward with their relationship. We would hate for OP's mother to learn that tactic might work!! The horror!

Y'all are real freaks. I wonder if you have any actual conversations with real people. And grey rock doesn't count as a conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP she is manipulating you! It’s the boomer version of a toddler holding their breath, You called her out for bad behavior which made her mad. She’s punishing you by acting hurt and weird. It’s working as now you are over analyzing what you should do. Stop this and just move on as normal.

+1 My mom does this - any comment that isn't "you're the best" is met with puppy dog eyes and a trembling lip like she's been screamed at by a monster. My parents beat the living crap out of us growing up, so her now ostentatiously tearing up over being asked to clean up a mess she left in the kitchen doesn't really move me at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP she is manipulating you! It’s the boomer version of a toddler holding their breath, You called her out for bad behavior which made her mad. She’s punishing you by acting hurt and weird. It’s working as now you are over analyzing what you should do. Stop this and just move on as normal.

+1 to the first part. Love the toddler holding their breath image. Just keep on keeping on. Next time you see her, if she behaves similarly, I'd be prepared to say (once) "Is everything okay? You're acting a bit odd." If she wants to engage (doubtful) great. If she says "no I'm fine" and keeps on keeping on (more likely), well then, okay. You keep on keeping on, too.

Thanks. So awkward, though! I guess I’ll just pretend I don’t see anything until she finally gives up and takes a breath!

You are both playing games and pretending you can manipulate reality by pretending you don't see what's going on in front of you. Odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even though there are rare forms of personality disorders that make patients deliberately put on displays that are not what they truly feel, the immense majority of people do not do this, OP.

What you saw was probably what she was genuinely feeling.

My wild guess is that this person is on the autism spectrum and cannot control the inappropriate responses that she has, because her brain lacks the universal frame of social reference that non-autistic people use without realizing it. She probably thought you had invited her to harangue her further.

You should not feel bad and there's very little you can do about it, since her feelings are out of your control. You were not abusive in pointing out certain inappropriate behaviors, and she cannot help having the feelings and reactions that she has.

The best you can do is continue living your life. When communicating with her, you should have a gentle tone of voice, and never look angry or upset: if you're upset over something else, she can think you're upset at her. But you do need to use direct language - not accusatory or aggressive - instead of circumlocution, so she clearly understands what you're telling her.

This is what I do with my autistic relatives.

This is hysterical.

PP you replied to. Yes, why don't you scoff at my lived experience. Very kind of you.

The bottom line is that OP's mother can't help herself. She will never change. All OP can do is reduce contact and tell her mother when she's behaving inappropriately. But she cannot get dragged to her level by being emotional herself. She needs to be the adult in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP she is manipulating you! It’s the boomer version of a toddler holding their breath, You called her out for bad behavior which made her mad. She’s punishing you by acting hurt and weird. It’s working as now you are over analyzing what you should do. Stop this and just move on as normal.

+1 My mom does this - any comment that isn't "you're the best" is met with puppy dog eyes and a trembling lip like she's been screamed at by a monster. My parents beat the living crap out of us growing up, so her now ostentatiously tearing up over being asked to clean up a mess she left in the kitchen doesn't really move me at all.

People who have never experienced this will never get it. OP should ignore their comments, as they aren’t helpful or relevant.

[Anonymous]

You should’ve kept your mouth shut- how she acts is none of your business. If you don’t like it stop going out with her but saying something was not ok. You should apologize for your rudeness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP she is manipulating you! It’s the boomer version of a toddler holding their breath, You called her out for bad behavior which made her mad. She’s punishing you by acting hurt and weird. It’s working as now you are over analyzing what you should do. Stop this and just move on as normal.

+1 My mom does this - any comment that isn't "you're the best" is met with puppy dog eyes and a trembling lip like she's been screamed at by a monster. My parents beat the living crap out of us growing up, so her now ostentatiously tearing up over being asked to clean up a mess she left in the kitchen doesn't really move me at all.

People who have never experienced this will never get it. OP should ignore their comments, as they aren’t helpful or relevant.

Yes, Mom is just pouting because she was called out on her BS. She probably needs mental health assistance but probably won't pursue it.

Unfortunately I have a SIL who is acting this way with her children and grandchildren right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"she acted out in public in ways that were inappropriate and uncomfortable"

I feel like we need more info about that

+1

Also if this is uncharacteristic of her, rule out physical or mental issues. Are you seeing the fist signs of dementia? Does she have an untreated UTI (in elderly women, these can cause agitation)?