Family member acting fearful after being called out—Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should’ve kept your mouth shut- how she acts is none of your business. If you don’t like it stop going out with her but saying something was not ok. You should apologize for your rudeness.

This.

[Anonymous]

How long ago did the original incident (the public one) occur? Maybe you both need a break from each other to cool off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"she acted out in public in ways that were inappropriate and uncomfortable"

I feel like we need more info about that

+1

Also if this is uncharacteristic of her, rule out physical or mental issues. Are you seeing the fist signs of dementia? Does she have an untreated UTI (in elderly women, these can cause agitation)?

My friend's grandmother in high school had some kind blood imbalance which caused her to start being really combative and lifting her skirt in public. Getting a physical is a good idea.

But people on DCUM are not in it for the long haul. They're in it to experience the "freeing" feeling of cutting everyone loose. This is not love. Love is being concerned with the other person, not just with yourself, OP. Your mom is not okay, even if it's just her emotions that are hurt, but you don't care.

[Anonymous]

She's manipulating you. She is not autistic (allow me to laugh!). It's the version of silent treatment, she's the "victim" as you dared to call her out on her behavior, pouting in the corner, waiting for you to crawl back to her with apologies. There's no need to apologize. Nobody apologizes telling another person to figuratively clean up their s* from the living room floor. She wants you to go back to your old self where you don't call her out. Don't do this. However, there is the other aspect that she is scared. This might be genuine. I bet you're not the first one who has called her out on her behavior and in previous times, it didn't end up well for her (cutting off contact perhaps?). So she's afraid of the "new" you. In any case, she was expecting that you'll apologize profusely at the lunch and things will go back to "her normal". Keep the line.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like she felt really low and maybe ashamed/despairing, depressed. at any rate incredibly dysphoric. (Not saying that you were wrong to talk to her at all, op. Some people feel like that with any pushback or boundary setting, no matter how gentle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP she is manipulating you! It’s the boomer version of a toddler holding their breath, You called her out for bad behavior which made her mad. She’s punishing you by acting hurt and weird. It’s working as now you are over analyzing what you should do. Stop this and just move on as normal.

100% She is playing games and sounds deeply troubled. Dynamics with parents are hard, especially as they age. I still struggle with my (mostly) lovely mom. I think it's hard to see her communicating in a more child like way. Also, it can be hard when lose their filters!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"she acted out in public in ways that were inappropriate and uncomfortable"

I feel like we need more info about that

+1

Also if this is uncharacteristic of her, rule out physical or mental issues. Are you seeing the fist signs of dementia? Does she have an untreated UTI (in elderly women, these can cause agitation)?

My friend's grandmother in high school had some kind blood imbalance which caused her to start being really combative and lifting her skirt in public. Getting a physical is a good idea.

But people on DCUM are not in it for the long haul. They're in it to experience the "freeing" feeling of cutting everyone loose. This is not love. Love is being concerned with the other person, not just with yourself, OP. Your mom is not okay, even if it's just her emotions that are hurt, but you don't care.

Nobody can fix another person. Especially not children fixing their own parents. We're not trained therapists, psychologists, or even priests. Clearly whatever is wrong with OP's mom has been wrong for a long time. It's up to her to fix this, together with professionals, if needed. I really object to older generations expectation that someone else, especially their adult children, will solve their mental issues. If it was so easy, there would be some outcome already. Most of us here have dealt with our parents "weird" (let's put it kindly) behavior all our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP she is manipulating you! It’s the boomer version of a toddler holding their breath, You called her out for bad behavior which made her mad. She’s punishing you by acting hurt and weird. It’s working as now you are over analyzing what you should do. Stop this and just move on as normal.

This. My mom is a master manipulator. I basically treat it like a toddler and wait out her temper tantrum and behavior until she acts normally. It's gotten to the point that she rarely behaves that way anymore because she knows nothing will come from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a long story that could probably be split into three posts, but I’ll try to keep it concise.

I have a family member who’s always been difficult. During the last two times we were together, she acted out in public in ways that were inappropriate and uncomfortable. After the second incident, I gently brought it up and told her it made me uncomfortable. She didn’t take it well—she cried and abruptly left.
Some time passed, and we eventually agreed to meet for lunch. What followed was the most awkward, uncomfortable interaction I’ve ever had. She wouldn’t make eye contact, barely spoke (just one-word answers), didn’t eat, and fidgeted nonstop. She honestly looked like a scared, wounded animal. I told my husband afterward that it felt like someone had forced her to have lunch with a known criminal.
I didn’t say anything in the moment—it was just too bizarre. Her reaction seems wildly out of proportion to how gently I approached the earlier conversation. The only explanation I can come up with is that she’s embarrassed and trying to shift blame, like “You were so mean to me that I’m now afraid of you.” Or like a form of passive-aggressive punishment, like, “You hurt my feelings, so now I’ll make you uncomfortable, too.”

So now I’m stuck. The elephant in the room clearly needs addressing, but I have no idea how to move forward. How do I approach this? And what could she be trying to achieve with this behavior?

I don’t understand why you didn’t state that it was your mom in your op. Her age and the nature of your relationship seems very relevant.

[Anonymous]

Did it occur to you that something could be wrong that has nothing to do with you, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP she is manipulating you! It’s the boomer version of a toddler holding their breath, You called her out for bad behavior which made her mad. She’s punishing you by acting hurt and weird. It’s working as now you are over analyzing what you should do. Stop this and just move on as normal.

+1 to the first part. Love the toddler holding their breath image. Just keep on keeping on. Next time you see her, if she behaves similarly, I'd be prepared to say (once) "Is everything okay? You're acting a bit odd." If she wants to engage (doubtful) great. If she says "no I'm fine" and keeps on keeping on (more likely), well then, okay. You keep on keeping on, too.

Thanks. So awkward, though! I guess I’ll just pretend I don’t see anything until she finally gives up and takes a breath!

You are both playing games and pretending you can manipulate reality by pretending you don't see what's going on in front of you. Odd.

+1

[Anonymous]

Lack of accountability. It’s a common problem.

My mother is like this. Fountain of excuses. She loves to help her friends because they just use her for rides home, food, chores, etc.

I didn’t even allow her to visit me in the hospital because she makes everything about her with me. I’m not allowed to be sick or need help.

With her, I usually call her out (as yesterday’s gospel says to do) and she makes excuses and then doesn’t speak to me for a few days. Once she’s ready, she goes back to discussing the weather and what a disappointment I am.

[Anonymous]

I’m so glad the real ones are showing up in this thread for OP. It IS manipulation, it IS emotionally immature, and it IS something you should ignore. Those who have never experienced this brand of behavior can’t fathom what it’s like.

[Anonymous]

How old is mom? Big difference between someone in their 60s or early 70s vs. someone who is 80-85+. If she’s on the younger end, my gut says she’s being manipulative. The “toddler holding their breath” poster is spot on. Have you heard of “grey rock” or “bean dipping?” Be pleasant but don’t give in, don’t harp on asking what’s wrong, don’t apologize profusely, you have to wait for the tantrum to pass. If older, she may need a serious check up to make sure there are no mental issues (dementia), or physical issues causing mental issues (UTI). Infections can be serious in the elderly and cause personality changes.

[Anonymous]

Ignore and don’t meet up with her again. What a waste of time.