Family member acting fearful after being called out—Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if it's a behaviour control issue, (something organic or related to geriatric physical/ mental health) she wouldn't have flipped personalities to play victim/give you the punishing silent treatment. She wouldn't have been able to NOT do the thing you cautioned her on.

Do the visits as rarely as needed and have witnesses/buffers. Keep the conversation moving. Even better if your kids tell stories about their days/lives as you can use their stories to say 'yes, Larlo, Larla was not using her niece words that day, but ignoring her helped her realize her behaviour was not pleasant' or 'Larla, I like the way you were patient but clear about being safe with your toys' etc. Eventually the hope would be that even if Mum doesn't change, it sinks in that this is a boundary for you.

Unless it’s a cluster B and DARVO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP she is manipulating you! It’s the boomer version of a toddler holding their breath, You called her out for bad behavior which made her mad. She’s punishing you by acting hurt and weird. It’s working as now you are over analyzing what you should do. Stop this and just move on as normal.

+ 1. Does she have a history of manipulating her family members?

Well she's the mother and OP is the daughter, so she has historically been in a position of control of others. Is that "manipulation"? Is it "manipulation" when you have to get your family from Point A to Point B or stop your teenagers from doing something stupid or unsafe? Is it "manipulation" when she tried to get OP to do her homework so she could get into college? Some people seem to think their mother having any power or authority or being deserving of respect is somehow a slight against them. That's very f'd up.

you're projecting. I think most people understood the question and what a history of manipulation might look like. Anyone who has experienced a pouty matriarch knows the score.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP she is manipulating you! It’s the boomer version of a toddler holding their breath, You called her out for bad behavior which made her mad. She’s punishing you by acting hurt and weird. It’s working as now you are over analyzing what you should do. Stop this and just move on as normal.

+1 My mom does this - any comment that isn't "you're the best" is met with puppy dog eyes and a trembling lip like she's been screamed at by a monster. My parents beat the living crap out of us growing up, so her now ostentatiously tearing up over being asked to clean up a mess she left in the kitchen doesn't really move me at all.

Same thing here. My mother's current victimhood over every little slight does not move me at all. She can currently behave just like OP's mother did and I can't forget the late night beatings, dragging us out of bed....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP she is manipulating you! It’s the boomer version of a toddler holding their breath, You called her out for bad behavior which made her mad. She’s punishing you by acting hurt and weird. It’s working as now you are over analyzing what you should do. Stop this and just move on as normal.

+1 My mom does this - any comment that isn't "you're the best" is met with puppy dog eyes and a trembling lip like she's been screamed at by a monster. My parents beat the living crap out of us growing up, so her now ostentatiously tearing up over being asked to clean up a mess she left in the kitchen doesn't really move me at all.

Same thing here. My mother's current victimhood over every little slight does not move me at all. She can currently behave just like OP's mother did and I can't forget the late night beatings, dragging us out of bed....

and i hope you tell her that every single time

[Anonymous]

Don’t give it any attention. Just proceed with boundaries.