Family member acting fearful after being called out—Now what?

[Anonymous]

This is a long story that could probably be split into three posts, but I’ll try to keep it concise.

I have a family member who’s always been difficult. During the last two times we were together, she acted out in public in ways that were inappropriate and uncomfortable. After the second incident, I gently brought it up and told her it made me uncomfortable. She didn’t take it well—she cried and abruptly left.
Some time passed, and we eventually agreed to meet for lunch. What followed was the most awkward, uncomfortable interaction I’ve ever had. She wouldn’t make eye contact, barely spoke (just one-word answers), didn’t eat, and fidgeted nonstop. She honestly looked like a scared, wounded animal. I told my husband afterward that it felt like someone had forced her to have lunch with a known criminal.
I didn’t say anything in the moment—it was just too bizarre. Her reaction seems wildly out of proportion to how gently I approached the earlier conversation. The only explanation I can come up with is that she’s embarrassed and trying to shift blame, like “You were so mean to me that I’m now afraid of you.” Or like a form of passive-aggressive punishment, like, “You hurt my feelings, so now I’ll make you uncomfortable, too.”

So now I’m stuck. The elephant in the room clearly needs addressing, but I have no idea how to move forward. How do I approach this? And what could she be trying to achieve with this behavior?

[Anonymous]

is this about the sister who got in a conflict in public in front of your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:is this about the sister who got in a conflict in public in front of your kids?

No, different poster. This is about my mother, actually.

[Anonymous]

Could you meet with other people there as well, to break up the 1:1 dynamic that has become awkward??

[Anonymous]

"she acted out in public in ways that were inappropriate and uncomfortable"

I feel like we need more info about that

[Anonymous]

Even though there are rare forms of personality disorders that make patients deliberately put on displays that are not what they truly feel, the immense majority of people do not do this, OP.

What you saw was probably what she was genuinely feeling.

My wild guess is that this person is on the autism spectrum and cannot control the inappropriate responses that she has, because her brain lacks the universal frame of social reference that non-autistic people use without realizing it. She probably thought you had invited her to harangue her further.

You should not feel bad and there's very little you can do about it, since her feelings are out of your control. You were not abusive in pointing out certain inappropriate behaviors, and she cannot help having the feelings and reactions that she has.

The best you can do is continue living your life. When communicating with her, you should have a gentle tone of voice, and never look angry or upset: if you're upset over something else, she can think you're upset at her. But you do need to use direct language - not accusatory or aggressive - instead of circumlocution, so she clearly understands what you're telling her.

This is what I do with my autistic relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you meet with other people there as well, to break up the 1:1 dynamic that has become awkward??

My children were with me, and that was bad enough. I wouldn’t willfully subject someone else to this sort of behavior in the future, just for my comfort.

I just wonder how to approach this without acknowledging, and thus rewarding, the awkward behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a long story that could probably be split into three posts, but I’ll try to keep it concise.

I have a family member who’s always been difficult. During the last two times we were together, she acted out in public in ways that were inappropriate and uncomfortable. After the second incident, I gently brought it up and told her it made me uncomfortable. She didn’t take it well—she cried and abruptly left.
Some time passed, and we eventually agreed to meet for lunch. What followed was the most awkward, uncomfortable interaction I’ve ever had. She wouldn’t make eye contact, barely spoke (just one-word answers), didn’t eat, and fidgeted nonstop. She honestly looked like a scared, wounded animal. I told my husband afterward that it felt like someone had forced her to have lunch with a known criminal.
I didn’t say anything in the moment—it was just too bizarre. Her reaction seems wildly out of proportion to how gently I approached the earlier conversation. The only explanation I can come up with is that she’s embarrassed and trying to shift blame, like “You were so mean to me that I’m now afraid of you.” Or like a form of passive-aggressive punishment, like, “You hurt my feelings, so now I’ll make you uncomfortable, too.”

So now I’m stuck. The elephant in the room clearly needs addressing, but I have no idea how to move forward. How do I approach this? And what could she be trying to achieve with this behavior?

You made her cry and didn't apologize? How weird.

"I'm sorry if what I said was too harsh. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." is a good start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"she acted out in public in ways that were inappropriate and uncomfortable"

I feel like we need more info about that

It’s too identifying and I won’t be sharing specifics. It’s fine that you can’t help without that info. Thanks anyway!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even though there are rare forms of personality disorders that make patients deliberately put on displays that are not what they truly feel, the immense majority of people do not do this, OP.

What you saw was probably what she was genuinely feeling.

My wild guess is that this person is on the autism spectrum and cannot control the inappropriate responses that she has, because her brain lacks the universal frame of social reference that non-autistic people use without realizing it. She probably thought you had invited her to harangue her further.

You should not feel bad and there's very little you can do about it, since her feelings are out of your control. You were not abusive in pointing out certain inappropriate behaviors, and she cannot help having the feelings and reactions that she has.

The best you can do is continue living your life. When communicating with her, you should have a gentle tone of voice, and never look angry or upset: if you're upset over something else, she can think you're upset at her. But you do need to use direct language - not accusatory or aggressive - instead of circumlocution, so she clearly understands what you're telling her.

This is what I do with my autistic relatives.

This is hysterical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a long story that could probably be split into three posts, but I’ll try to keep it concise.

I have a family member who’s always been difficult. During the last two times we were together, she acted out in public in ways that were inappropriate and uncomfortable. After the second incident, I gently brought it up and told her it made me uncomfortable. She didn’t take it well—she cried and abruptly left.
Some time passed, and we eventually agreed to meet for lunch. What followed was the most awkward, uncomfortable interaction I’ve ever had. She wouldn’t make eye contact, barely spoke (just one-word answers), didn’t eat, and fidgeted nonstop. She honestly looked like a scared, wounded animal. I told my husband afterward that it felt like someone had forced her to have lunch with a known criminal.
I didn’t say anything in the moment—it was just too bizarre. Her reaction seems wildly out of proportion to how gently I approached the earlier conversation. The only explanation I can come up with is that she’s embarrassed and trying to shift blame, like “You were so mean to me that I’m now afraid of you.” Or like a form of passive-aggressive punishment, like, “You hurt my feelings, so now I’ll make you uncomfortable, too.”

So now I’m stuck. The elephant in the room clearly needs addressing, but I have no idea how to move forward. How do I approach this? And what could she be trying to achieve with this behavior?

You made her cry and didn't apologize? How weird.

"I'm sorry if what I said was too harsh. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." is a good start.

Oh, that happened way back at the time of the incident. This is weeks later. I thought we had moved past it, but apparently not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could you meet with other people there as well, to break up the 1:1 dynamic that has become awkward??

My children were with me, and that was bad enough. I wouldn’t willfully subject someone else to this sort of behavior in the future, just for my comfort.

I just wonder how to approach this without acknowledging, and thus rewarding, the awkward behavior.

Why do you not even want to acknowledge her behavior if it bothered you so much? I think you both have extreme passive aggressive tendencies.

[Anonymous]

OP she is manipulating you! It’s the boomer version of a toddler holding their breath, You called her out for bad behavior which made her mad. She’s punishing you by acting hurt and weird. It’s working as now you are over analyzing what you should do. Stop this and just move on as normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a long story that could probably be split into three posts, but I’ll try to keep it concise.

I have a family member who’s always been difficult. During the last two times we were together, she acted out in public in ways that were inappropriate and uncomfortable. After the second incident, I gently brought it up and told her it made me uncomfortable. She didn’t take it well—she cried and abruptly left.
Some time passed, and we eventually agreed to meet for lunch. What followed was the most awkward, uncomfortable interaction I’ve ever had. She wouldn’t make eye contact, barely spoke (just one-word answers), didn’t eat, and fidgeted nonstop. She honestly looked like a scared, wounded animal. I told my husband afterward that it felt like someone had forced her to have lunch with a known criminal.
I didn’t say anything in the moment—it was just too bizarre. Her reaction seems wildly out of proportion to how gently I approached the earlier conversation. The only explanation I can come up with is that she’s embarrassed and trying to shift blame, like “You were so mean to me that I’m now afraid of you.” Or like a form of passive-aggressive punishment, like, “You hurt my feelings, so now I’ll make you uncomfortable, too.”

So now I’m stuck. The elephant in the room clearly needs addressing, but I have no idea how to move forward. How do I approach this? And what could she be trying to achieve with this behavior?

You made her cry and didn't apologize? How weird.

"I'm sorry if what I said was too harsh. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." is a good start.

Oh, that happened way back at the time of the incident. This is weeks later. I thought we had moved past it, but apparently not.

Ok well OP - impossible to say since you won’t give any more facts. But in general, you cannot control how quickly someone moves past an incident just because you feel like they should have. Obviously your mother is still really upset over what happened. Only you can say if this is part of a pattern of overreaction on her part or not. Given that you seem so perplexed by it, sounds like it is an authentic reaction on her part. She’s upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a long story that could probably be split into three posts, but I’ll try to keep it concise.

I have a family member who’s always been difficult. During the last two times we were together, she acted out in public in ways that were inappropriate and uncomfortable. After the second incident, I gently brought it up and told her it made me uncomfortable. She didn’t take it well—she cried and abruptly left.
Some time passed, and we eventually agreed to meet for lunch. What followed was the most awkward, uncomfortable interaction I’ve ever had. She wouldn’t make eye contact, barely spoke (just one-word answers), didn’t eat, and fidgeted nonstop. She honestly looked like a scared, wounded animal. I told my husband afterward that it felt like someone had forced her to have lunch with a known criminal.
I didn’t say anything in the moment—it was just too bizarre. Her reaction seems wildly out of proportion to how gently I approached the earlier conversation. The only explanation I can come up with is that she’s embarrassed and trying to shift blame, like “You were so mean to me that I’m now afraid of you.” Or like a form of passive-aggressive punishment, like, “You hurt my feelings, so now I’ll make you uncomfortable, too.”

So now I’m stuck. The elephant in the room clearly needs addressing, but I have no idea how to move forward. How do I approach this? And what could she be trying to achieve with this behavior?

You made her cry and didn't apologize? How weird.
"I'm sorry if what I said was too harsh. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." is a good start.

No bad advice! 1. Chances are what OP said wasn’t harsh, her mother just didn’t like it. 2. The mother was the person acting badly in the incident and now playing victim. Don’t feed the monster and play into her being a victim when she behaves inappropriately.