Best way to change the rules regarding boys in the bedroom.

[Anonymous]

You could bring it up generally but NOT in relation to this particular kid. “Even though you’re 18 and technically of adult age, at home the rule is X.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is 18 and will be a senior this fall. She’s had the same boy best friend since sophomore year. They’ve always been completely platonic.

In the past I’ve let this boy hang out in DD’s bedroom, even with the door closed. It’s never been a problem.

The boy has been out of town for the summer but they keep in touch through calls and texting. Lately ive had an inkling that they might be developing feelings for each other. I wouldn’t be surprised if they start dating when he returns this fall.

If they start dating I definitely don’t want him in DD’s bedroom, but I don’t know exactly how to present this to her. I don’t feel comfortable telling her that I think she might start dating her friend. I don’t want to push her in that direction. How should I proceed?

You make it simple: please leave the door open when friends come over.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is 18 and will be a senior this fall. She’s had the same boy best friend since sophomore year. They’ve always been completely platonic.

In the past I’ve let this boy hang out in DD’s bedroom, even with the door closed. It’s never been a problem.

The boy has been out of town for the summer but they keep in touch through calls and texting. Lately ive had an inkling that they might be developing feelings for each other. I wouldn’t be surprised if they start dating when he returns this fall.

If they start dating I definitely don’t want him in DD’s bedroom, but I don’t know exactly how to present this to her. I don’t feel comfortable telling her that I think she might start dating her friend. I don’t want to push her in that direction. How should I proceed?

If they’re going to boink, they’re going to boink. It matters little whether or not they are allowed by you to use her room.

Yes, they will figure out a way to do it if they want to but why encourage it and make it easier for them? Allowing them to hang out in a closed bedroom screams, "Go for it, kids. Bonk away!"

Not really, it says that you did your job asa a parent to educate the child and trust her judgement.

Maybe they want some privacy to have a personal conversation.

18 YOs do not have good “judgment.” I don’t care how well they are raised.

Your “judgement” is not that great either.

I spent 75K on my divorce 30 years ago, and my one free takeaway, was that judgment is spelled "judgment".

I don't know if you are trying to do a gotcha on the spelling, but if you are in the US, I think you just "failed".

Here is AI on judgment vs judgement:

The words "judgment" and "judgement" are essentially the same, referring to the ability to make considered decisions or the outcome of a decision, particularly in legal contexts. The difference lies primarily in spelling, with "judgment" being the preferred spelling in American English and "judgement" being more common in British English.

Ah, of course you’re long time divorced. No surprise here.

Well I remarried 2 years after my divorce and we just celebrated our 30th anniversary. And we have a 26 yo daughter. Not sure of your point?

Lady, you have quite an abrasive personality turning into grammar police in the age of typing on the phone. People have different language and cultural backgrounds, if you think knowing the American spelling of judgement (lol) and doing a quick google search make you superior in some way or you need to point that out, you’re pathetic and cringe.

Being past 60 you’re in no position to give teens and young adults any dating and sex advice. Likely your daughter is just tuning you out and puts up with your insufferable droning about how the young generation is corrupted.

What?? I was just calling out the person who corrected someone using "judgment" and implying it was spelled "judgement". When in fact in the US, "judgment" is the preferred spelling.

So now *I'm* the grammar police? I was correcting the grammar police who were trying to correct someone else and were ignorant to the correct spelling.

You must have been the American who wrongly thought judgement was correct.

I can give 45-55 year old mothers advice who have 15 yo kids. I'm only a few short years past that.

My daughter doesn't tune me out. She lives in her own apartment and does whatever she wants. Calls a few times a week to catch up, as she's in her first independent job. My advice when she became sexually active - get on birth control!!

And my advice to moms of teen girls - don't allow closed doors at all!

Good grief...

What a shocker, the 65 year old lady is full of righteous indignation from two young adults wanting to close the door and have some privacy because “respect my authoritah”.

How’s that conversation is even going to be like? Larla, I don’t want you to have sex in my house, that’s disrespectful and when the bf comes over you need to leave the door open so everyone can check no shenanigans are taking place. Then you’ll run down the hallway to make sure his hand is not under her blouse.

Don’t you have something better to do? It’s always shriveled post menopausal women with zero interest in sex that are most freaked out about young people having fun.

Oh, you're so far off the mark on me, but so what.

More than half the posters here agree with me to have a doors open policy with teenagers.

I personally don't care once they are over 18. We have done vacation rentals when my son was in college and brought his girlfriend and we gave them their own room. If my daughter visited us now and brought a boyfriend, I wouldn't care if they want to sleep (and do whatever!) in her room.

But I didn't allow my teens in HS to have visitors in their bedroom with the door closed. If other parents think it's fine, I'm ok with them having house rules as they see fit.

But I don't think my opinion is unusual or warrants such hostile insults!

OP tees is 18. The discussion and rules are very different at 13.

[Anonymous]

Why are people so fixated on leaving the door open? It won’t accomplish anything, it doesn’t prevent teen sex. It’s just some kind of theater to make the parents feel better about themselves that they put some rules in place and they don’t seem “permissive” and feel “respected”. Teach them about the importance of sex and that it’s not something to be taken lightly etc, and they’ll figure it out without the parent having to eavesdrop at the door. Perfectly normal if it happens at 16 or 18, the parents won’t even know it happened.

Teens these days have the opposite problem, they just don’t know how to interact with the opposite gender, and having a parent hoover over all the time and checking every move is not helping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So for those saying OP created the problem- what happens if you allow another kids in the room before knowing if the kid is gay or straight?

Simple - don't allow closed doors. Preferably, if you have other spaces, discourage bedrooms and encourage teems to entertain in the living room, on the back patio, in the game room if you have one. Gay or straight doesn't matter.

So children should always be physically observed? You really think a couple 8 or 10 year olds who are safe hanging out by themselves should always keep the door open, and you are goig to tell them that it's because they might someday want to screw each other?

[Anonymous]

I prefer telling teens the truth, and treating them as adults if they show they can handle the responsibility. If you ask for an open door while the bf is visiting, you need to have a conversation on why, and be prepared to explain you don’t want them to have sex in your house because that’s disrespectful (if you think so) or that you decided they are not ready yet, and have a discussion where the teen might see things differently.

Follow up with clarifications, are you fine once they graduate, go to college, are engaged? You don’t care if they do it in a parking lot, just your house is off limits?

If you have a spouse and are having sex, be proactive and explain the difference, why it’s ok for you to have privacy but not for them, explain concern for younger siblings that you don’t want exposed to sex etc.

Every family can decide on their own. In my view, 18 is perfectly fine to close the door while with a bf. She’ll go to college soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So for those saying OP created the problem- what happens if you allow another kids in the room before knowing if the kid is gay or straight?

Simple - don't allow closed doors. Preferably, if you have other spaces, discourage bedrooms and encourage teems to entertain in the living room, on the back patio, in the game room if you have one. Gay or straight doesn't matter.

So children should always be physically observed? You really think a couple 8 or 10 year olds who are safe hanging out by themselves should always keep the door open, and you are goig to tell them that it's because they might someday want to screw each other?

This. When my 12 yo has friends over, they can do whatever they want, play games in the living, roam the neighborhood or stay in the bedroom with door closed. Usually I ask them to close it if they yell too much, or they close the door themselves if the rest of the family is too loud or if they want to talk a topic that is more secretive (ie girls!)

No need to get weird about leaving the door open because they might be groping each other. I’ve had plenty of conversations about sex education, they tell me if they have a romantic interest, and I’m sure there are things they keep private and don’t tell me. I’m fine with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So for those saying OP created the problem- what happens if you allow antother kids in the room before knowing if the kid is gay or straight?

In olden times, mainly Victorian era, it would have been shocking to entertain in one's bedroom. I do think it's preferable to have friends of all ages and genders visit in other spaces in the house.

In log cabin times, they'd put you in bed with your sweetie with a long board between you.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bundling_(tradition)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s crazy to me that you let them hang out in the bedroom with the door closed. I don’t care if their friendship is “platonic” or not.

Why two best girlfriends could be getting it on too?

[Anonymous]

Someone else brought this up in a friend a few months ago.

Sit them both down, give them a basket of condoms, lubes and toys, and explain to them about consent and then step back. Love will bloom if you let it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So for those saying OP created the problem- what happens if you allow antother kids in the room before knowing if the kid is gay or straight?

In olden times, mainly Victorian era, it would have been shocking to entertain in one's bedroom. I do think it's preferable to have friends of all ages and genders visit in other spaces in the house.

In log cabin times, they'd put you in bed with your sweetie with a long board between you.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bundling_(tradition)

These days kids make claims about their sexual orientation all the time even before holding hands or having the first kiss, so I’d take the categorization with a grain of salt. I’ve heard from my kid about some friends that are “asexual”, “bisexual”, “zesty” (gay). I didn’t treat these kids any differently and didn’t ask them when visiting to stay in an open area because of that. When teens close the door with parents at home, it’s most likely because they have some secrets to tell, not bc they want to bang each other. That’s reserved for when parents are not at home.

[Anonymous]

They're 18, they're adults. You can't tell them to do anything, and they'll just go bang at his house or in a motel, or a friend's place, or his car in a parking lot while tramps watch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They're 18, they're adults. You can't tell them to do anything, and they'll just go bang at his house or in a motel, or a friend's place, or his car in a parking lot while tramps watch.

This much should be obvious. How is this not common sense knowledge?

[Anonymous]

My parents (I'm a guy) required open doors but also kept their distance when I was in high school, announcing their imminent arrival in a room with loud talking or whatever... as soon as I got to college, the rule was my girlfriend could stay over (she wasnt' local) but she had to stay in her own room. My parents went to bed at 9:45 and asked no questions.

I think that's reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Child is 18. Share this in Adult kids thread 🙄