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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]advice for OP until she gets divorced.

1. Get your kid involved in some sort of hobby that keeps her busy and away from home. 
2. On weekends, beyond the sport, do all your shopping then so you all can leave on a Saturday morning and not come back until it’s nearly bed time.
3. Arrange a ton of play dates. Offer to take her to the mall with a friend. Take them to the movies, out to dinner etc. Anything to stay out of the house.
4. If there us some sort of Mommy and me course, sign up for it. For example there is Yoga class I saw for parents and kids together.
5. If you all can afford it, send her away to sleep away camp for the summer or send her to stay with Grandparents for a month over the summer. Anything to give her a break.
6. Hire a sitter/mother’s helper to pick her ip
from school and help her with her homework afterwards. He will act out less with with another person present.
7. Do what you can to appease him and not suspect that you loathe him. Pitch everything as a favor to him. “I arranged for Larla to have a play date after baseball practice so you don’t have to worry about picking her up from practice.” “I arranged a carpool with another family so you don’t have to worry about driving her to her games anymore.”

One last thought, as soon as she is able to join, take her to the gym with you to work out together. I think most gyms allow kids as young as 12. It’s good in general for mental and physical health. It releases stress. This also gives you flexibility to leave the house at a moments notice with that excuse. Naturally, always have your gym bags packed.[/quote]

This is perfect advice.

- divorced with an emotionally abusive ex who didn’t want custody and then went back and was granted 50/50 custody, pretty much just bc he asked for it and that’s the presumption. My dc has a GAL who does not like my ex and has even said she thinks he has narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies, but who has still never challenged his ‘parenting rights’ to 50 time. [/quote]

To get a change in custody, you have to prove "substantial change of circumstances" and "best interests of the child."  It's actually quite challenging to prove a "substantial change of circumstances" if you have a good attorney, which is why you want to get the custody right on the first go if at all possible.

Also, OP, can you get your daughter in therapy and sell it to your DH as doing it to help her through the divorce?  Many children whose parents are going through a divorce see a therapist.  If you sell it to him as something she needs for reasons unrelated to him, he might be supportive, and therapy could really benefit her if she's dealing with emotional abuse, anxiety, or anything else.

I'm over 10 years deep into coparenting with an abuser, and things have gotten much better for me and our child because I learned how to communicate with him so as not to trigger him.  You have to avoid poking the bear, as they say.  You deliver information in a friendly, neutral, never accusatory tone.  You avoid casting blame.  Not to sound dramatic, but it is almost like you are dealing with a known terrorist holding your child.  You do what you need to do to keep them safe.  You can use AI to write your texts for you in a friendly tone if you can't do it yourself (I can't, so I do this).

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