BIL pissed that we won't be at his wedding

[Anonymous]

People aren’t clocking the fact that the family dinner is because one of the kids will be home briefly, who is otherwise posted abroad. And the other kids have booked flights to come home.

So to change the dinner would require more than one person rebooking flights and changing their own plans, days off from work, etc.; the overseas kid likely missing it altogether; and OP giving up her planned, heart-filling get-together with ALL her kids. On four weeks’ notice.

I’d be interested to know who has “dropped their plans” and is planning to fly across the world to Australia. The other brother was already going to be there at that time, so it’s not him.

The biggest compromise I can think of would be to rebook your party, which itself would be incredibly annoying, and you might lose people who have plans otherwise on the new date, and then send your husband to go to the wedding by himself. He flies back the next day to make it home in time for the family dinner. Yes, he will be extremely tired, but that’s the choice HE needs to make, and then he can decide if it’s worth it to go to his brother’s wedding on the other side of the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Traveling to Australia on four weeks notice is. not. reasonable.

+100 brother can you of he wants to buy it sounds like he ashtray had plans for your bday

[Anonymous]

Your son is in the military and posted overseas. I hope he will have a very safe and uneventful military career, but life is unpredictable, especially military life. No way would I give up the chance to see my child. But I would be clear that’s what I was doing. Instead of “I have dinner plans”, it would be “Larlo is in the military, stationed overseas, and there’s no telling when I might see him again, so I’m not going to give up this time.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't snark about the cathedral, it would be easier to have sympathy.

I think the point about that is that if she wanted to have it in a cathedral, that implies that there would be a planning period and the date secured long enough in advance to give everybody ample notice of the date. And the sudden chain is because the other brother is going to be there, which honestly is kind of annoying for OP because it almost makes the wedding date a whim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there any chance to do the dinner another date? I see the party you can't move, but maybe the dinner you can. I have always regretted the close family wedding I couldn't attend.

+1

You're right, and yet, I do think it's worth accommodating if you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't snark about the cathedral, it would be easier to have sympathy.

I only mentioned the cathedral because that seemed to signal that they wanted to hold a big, opulent event that would require lots of advance notice and planning. And we would have loved the run-up and the event itself. As it is, it now sounds like their wedding is going to be more low-key.

Thanks to your comments, I'm coming around to the view that he should go solo to his brother's wedding, to avoid any long-term resentment from them. Although I was included on the invitation, I'll still take my lovely children and brother to the restaurant and try to find a window for a repeat when everyone can be there - and be relaxed and happy - even though that's unlikely to be any time this year now.

I've never had an issue with DH's family before, but this has opened my eyes to some dynamics. Not least, the way the celebration plans for his wife (i.e. me) are dismissed. I also wonder whether BIL's fiancee's dreams of a cathedral wedding were similarly dismissed. I've in the past detected a hint of familial misogyny - not from DH - but the all-male environment when they're together can get a bit much.

So now three birthday parties for you? Wow.

[Anonymous]

There could be a valid reason why the wedding is rushed. OP says she has never had issues with husband's side of the family before. So this isn't a pattern.

Maybe there are valid reasons to move it up (visas, residency, terminal illness, her side of the family only being able to make that period of time work). Surely someone can ask why there is such a rush? Especially since there wasn't before.

Maybe this is something they want to share in person. Definitely have seen situations where you don't get the whole picture and the facts until you are there.

[Anonymous]

No brainer for me. I would not attend. I'd let my husband decide what he wants to do and not guilt him if it's the wedding. I also would phrase it less about the birthday and more about spending time with kids already flying in and not able to see them because of a posting abroad. I don't respond well to guilt trips though. It sounds very much like another sibling's schedule was accommodated and your dh is expected to drop everything and be there. If it's that important to brother, he would plan ahead. Not sure how so many people are able to do a trip to Australia with a month's notice, but we would not. Work schedules would never allow it.

How many siblings are there? DH's brother is being a giant jerk about this. If they choose to have life long resentments over this, that's a them problem. FIL (who isn't even going) doesn't get an opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You show up, with a smile on your face. Or at least your husband shows up. How is this even a question?

No way! Four weeks to Australia plus being a rude jerk in demanding and pressuring people to go is a hard no! It honestly sounds like the BIL is getting off on how hard it is for everyone to attend. Oooh look at me Im getting my friends and family to drop everything for me! I’m getting them to spend sooo much money on me! Shocking that this creep has struggled to find a second wife.

[Anonymous]

Lol this is DCUM at its best. OP talks smack about the cathedral, makes a point of dropping the ages of the bride and groom and making sure we all know it’s a second marriage for both, etc - doing everything she can to downplay the importance of the event, all so we think that her silly birthday should take precedence. A band and a caterer for an adult’s birthday? Cut me a break. Maybe if you’re turning 100 and somebody else is throwing it. Other than that, what a self-centered event.

You can’t bash your BIL’s selfishness here because you yourself have topped it.

[Anonymous]

I was more on Team OP before I heard about the third fancy birthday party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't snark about the cathedral, it would be easier to have sympathy.

I only mentioned the cathedral because that seemed to signal that they wanted to hold a big, opulent event that would require lots of advance notice and planning. And we would have loved the run-up and the event itself. As it is, it now sounds like their wedding is going to be more low-key.

Thanks to your comments, I'm coming around to the view that he should go solo to his brother's wedding, to avoid any long-term resentment from them. Although I was included on the invitation, I'll still take my lovely children and brother to the restaurant and try to find a window for a repeat when everyone can be there - and be relaxed and happy - even though that's unlikely to be any time this year now.

I've never had an issue with DH's family before, but this has opened my eyes to some dynamics. Not least, the way the celebration plans for his wife (i.e. me) are dismissed. I also wonder whether BIL's fiancee's dreams of a cathedral wedding were similarly dismissed. I've in the past detected a hint of familial misogyny - not from DH - but the all-male environment when they're together can get a bit much.

It might have been difficult to get approval to marry in a cathedral if they are both divorced. But who cares re the venue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the “4 weeks to go to Australia is crazy” mentality. If you already have a passport and money isn’t an issue, what’s hard about that?

Agree, people on here acting likes it’s four hours notice. Four weeks is plenty of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son is in the military and posted overseas. I hope he will have a very safe and uneventful military career, but life is unpredictable, especially military life. No way would I give up the chance to see my child. But I would be clear that’s what I was doing. Instead of “I have dinner plans”, it would be “Larlo is in the military, stationed overseas, and there’s no telling when I might see him again, so I’m not going to give up this time.”

Where did OP say military? In my experience, the kind of visit back home that OP is describing (planned more than a month in advance, soon after the original travel orders) doesn't happen often in the military, so I was assuming some other job.

[Anonymous]

Am I missing something, op seems more interested in celebrating herself multiple times than going to a family wedding. Really no other way to spin this.