BIL pissed that we won't be at his wedding

[Anonymous]

OP, they may have a reason just as good as yours. Maybe someone on her side of the family is deployed. Maybe one of her parents or siblings doesn't have long to live. Who knows. Don't be thinking your super special dinner reservation is the trump card here. You have no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son is in the military and posted overseas. I hope he will have a very safe and uneventful military career, but life is unpredictable, especially military life. No way would I give up the chance to see my child. But I would be clear that’s what I was doing. Instead of “I have dinner plans”, it would be “Larlo is in the military, stationed overseas, and there’s no telling when I might see him again, so I’m not going to give up this time.”

Where did OP say military? In my experience, the kind of visit back home that OP is describing (planned more than a month in advance, soon after the original travel orders) doesn't happen often in the military, so I was assuming some other job.

OP said, “As one of my children suddenly got a posting order overseas over that date”. That sounded like the military to me. Who else gives “orders” for “postings” overseas, especially on short notice? I think if he was in the private sector, OP might talk about transfers, relocations, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son is in the military and posted overseas. I hope he will have a very safe and uneventful military career, but life is unpredictable, especially military life. No way would I give up the chance to see my child. But I would be clear that’s what I was doing. Instead of “I have dinner plans”, it would be “Larlo is in the military, stationed overseas, and there’s no telling when I might see him again, so I’m not going to give up this time.”

Where did OP say military? In my experience, the kind of visit back home that OP is describing (planned more than a month in advance, soon after the original travel orders) doesn't happen often in the military, so I was assuming some other job.

OP said, “As one of my children suddenly got a posting order overseas over that date”. That sounded like the military to me. Who else gives “orders” for “postings” overseas, especially on short notice? I think if he was in the private sector, OP might talk about transfers, relocations, etc.

Posting is the word that most government agencies use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It feels a little extra to lock down a whole week to celebrate an adult's birthday

''

Yeah the "but we have other plans" parts feels stupid. What doesn't feel stupid is the expectation that people drop everything and have the $ to fly from the United States to Austrailia. Interestingly the latter two dont seem problematic to you. If the real reason is the other plans, I think that IS a problem but if you need to I'd hide behind the flying to Austrailia part.

[Anonymous]

The brother AKA your husband should be there. Nobody cares if you show up or not since you clearly don’t like them anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels a little extra to lock down a whole week to celebrate an adult's birthday

''

Yeah the "but we have other plans" parts feels stupid. What doesn't feel stupid is the expectation that people drop everything and have the $ to fly from the United States to Austrailia. Interestingly the latter two dont seem problematic to you. If the real reason is the other plans, I think that IS a problem but if you need to I'd hide behind the flying to Austrailia part.

I disagree. It sounds like the adult kids live further away and are flying in that weekend to OP and her husband. One adult kid is being deployed so they won’t see him frequently. They’ve booked flights, taken off for work etc. This 10000X tops a 50 year old sibling, announcing a second wedding four weeks away on the other side of the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It feels a little extra to lock down a whole week to celebrate an adult's birthday

''

Yeah the "but we have other plans" parts feels stupid. What doesn't feel stupid is the expectation that people drop everything and have the $ to fly from the United States to Austrailia. Interestingly the latter two dont seem problematic to you. If the real reason is the other plans, I think that IS a problem but if you need to I'd hide behind the flying to Austrailia part.

I disagree. It sounds like the adult kids live further away and are flying in that weekend to OP and her husband. One adult kid is being deployed so they won’t see him frequently. They’ve booked flights, taken off for work etc. This 10000X tops a 50 year old sibling, announcing a second wedding four weeks away on the other side of the world.

If OP had said “We have family flying into town that weekend. It’s been booked for a while.” that would have come across better than talking about a reservation.

I seriously doubt her kid is deployed. Maybe a change of station, or a civilian job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't snark about the cathedral, it would be easier to have sympathy.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't snark about the cathedral, it would be easier to have sympathy.

I only mentioned the cathedral because that seemed to signal that they wanted to hold a big, opulent event that would require lots of advance notice and planning. And we would have loved the run-up and the event itself. As it is, it now sounds like their wedding is going to be more low-key.

Thanks to your comments, I'm coming around to the view that he should go solo to his brother's wedding, to avoid any long-term resentment from them. Although I was included on the invitation, I'll still take my lovely children and brother to the restaurant and try to find a window for a repeat when everyone can be there - and be relaxed and happy - even though that's unlikely to be any time this year now.

I've never had an issue with DH's family before, but this has opened my eyes to some dynamics. Not least, the way the celebration plans for his wife (i.e. me) are dismissed. I also wonder whether BIL's fiancee's dreams of a cathedral wedding were similarly dismissed. I've in the past detected a hint of familial misogyny - not from DH - but the all-male environment when they're together can get a bit much.

Oh, SO much bs in this post, OP.

Treading very close to the troll line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't snark about the cathedral, it would be easier to have sympathy.

I think the point about that is that if she wanted to have it in a cathedral, that implies that there would be a planning period and the date secured long enough in advance to give everybody ample notice of the date. And the sudden chain is because the other brother is going to be there, which honestly is kind of annoying for OP because it almost makes the wedding date a whim.

OP mentions it twice. It was snarky.

[Anonymous]

You can't attend due to dinner reservations.

Prepare to be excluded from other things moving forward far as your BIL-SIL are concerned

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You show up, with a smile on your face. Or at least your husband shows up. How is this even a question?

No way! Four weeks to Australia plus being a rude jerk in demanding and pressuring people to go is a hard no! It honestly sounds like the BIL is getting off on how hard it is for everyone to attend. Oooh look at me Im getting my friends and family to drop everything for me! I’m getting them to spend sooo much money on me! Shocking that this creep has struggled to find a second wife.

Then he and OP must get along great. She is the same.

[Anonymous]

I’d reschedule dinner and attend the wedding with my husband.

[Anonymous]

I agree with everyone saying four weeks is insane but I also think that you don’t want to give up a family dinner is not a great reason. I would move the dinner and have your husband go to the wedding instead of the whole family.

[Anonymous]

I assume this is a 40th or 50th birthday which is why you have people flying in?

While I think wedding always trump birthdays, the issue here is more the really short notice for a wedding on the other side of the world and booked travel plans by your friends and family that would mean a loss of money to them if you cancelled.

In this case I would stick with your plans and just say the notice is too short and your friends / family have already booked flights and made travel arrangements.

Your husband should still go to the wedding and attend one of your celebrations and skip the other to be at the wedding.