I’ve misgendered a colleague twice now and I’m mortified

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not your responsibility to affirm their delusions. You did nothing wrong.

Ok, well keep believing that. If a trans employee reports being misgendered even once, we must do mediation and assign sensitivity training. If it happens a second time, a PIP is put in place. If it happens again, we terminate.

Misgendering creates a hostile workplace.

You may think it's a delusion, but we must respect them and their choices.

I think those who believe in God are delusional.
I think Santa is a delusion and the Easter bunny as well.

I still respect those who do. That's called being a decent human.

And this is why we have the president we do. I went through years of meetings where people said Sit Down Gentlemen and tons of men only discourse. If misgendering 3 times results in termination, you can forget about a lot of people wanting to work at your company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try working at a high school in the DMV. It is difficult to figure things out. I use they/them for everyone.

I can believe it! One of my kids had a pinned post in the group chat for members to update their gender identity in real time. I thought this was hilarious, but they took it very seriously. It settled out by 10th grade.

Kids today.


Just get used to using THEY for everyone you are talking about. It is a hard habit to break, that they=singular, but once you get through that, They will just become your norm.

“it” also suffices and conveys no gender either.

Many people like to make a performative show of being offended by "it".

"xe"/"xir" is convenient, especially in speech where it doesn't look strange, it doesn't conflict with an existing different word, and it sounds like a blend of "he/she" and "sir/her" where you aren't sure / changed your mind midway / don't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I keep accidentally using “him” with a coworker who uses “they.” And I work in HR! I try to speak more slowly around/about that person, to give my brain a chance to remember. Their beard makes my brain automatically think “him,” so I am retraining myself.

Because it seems a little odd to use a non-gendered pronoun when you present yourself as male.

Why? Do you present your genitals for inspection every time someone refers to you when you aren't even present?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not your responsibility to affirm their delusions. You did nothing wrong.

Ok, well keep believing that. If a trans employee reports being misgendered even once, we must do mediation and assign sensitivity training. If it happens a second time, a PIP is put in place. If it happens again, we terminate.

Misgendering creates a hostile workplace.

You may think it's a delusion, but we must respect them and their choices.

I think those who believe in God are delusional.
I think Santa is a delusion and the Easter bunny as well.

I still respect those who do. That's called being a decent human.

And this is why we have the president we do. I went through years of meetings where people said Sit Down Gentlemen and tons of men only discourse. If misgendering 3 times results in termination, you can forget about a lot of people wanting to work at your company.

Not a problem.
We don't want hostile, walking liabilities working at our company. We want people who come to work as a team, not start political battles over their right to abuse people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you just try your best, apologize quickly and move on. If someone knows you're respectful and doing your best, it's going to be fine unless they are unreasonable which is a totally different problem.

+1 acknowledge the mistake, that will mean something. You are tying to do better. It's like mispronouncing someone's name - I have an ethnic name and it's obviously when someone is well-intentioned/trying vs not.

Who doesn't have an ethnic name?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I keep accidentally using “him” with a coworker who uses “they.” And I work in HR! I try to speak more slowly around/about that person, to give my brain a chance to remember. Their beard makes my brain automatically think “him,” so I am retraining myself.

Well, he’s a he.

Just like anyone with hair on their legs, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not your responsibility to affirm their delusions. You did nothing wrong.

Ok, well keep believing that. If a trans employee reports being misgendered even once, we must do mediation and assign sensitivity training. If it happens a second time, a PIP is put in place. If it happens again, we terminate.

Misgendering creates a hostile workplace.

You may think it's a delusion, but we must respect them and their choices.

I think those who believe in God are delusional.
I think Santa is a delusion and the Easter bunny as well.

I still respect those who do. That's called being a decent human.

You are a bit much. Firing someone over this is insane. I don't HAVE to respect everyone's choices in every case. I am happy to do so with pronouns, but for you to make such a definitive statement is also insane. We can come up with a billion examples of choices people could make that I could not be forced to accept in a workplace. Get the rod out of your butt and come down off of your soapbox.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not your responsibility to affirm their delusions. You did nothing wrong.

Ok, well keep believing that. If a trans employee reports being misgendered even once, we must do mediation and assign sensitivity training. If it happens a second time, a PIP is put in place. If it happens again, we terminate.

Misgendering creates a hostile workplace.

You may think it's a delusion, but we must respect them and their choices.

I think those who believe in God are delusional.
I think Santa is a delusion and the Easter bunny as well.

I still respect those who do. That's called being a decent human.

And this is why we have the president we do. I went through years of meetings where people said Sit Down Gentlemen and tons of men only discourse. If misgendering 3 times results in termination, you can forget about a lot of people wanting to work at your company.

Not a problem.
We don't want hostile, walking liabilities working at our company. We want people who come to work as a team, not start political battles over their right to abuse people.

How do YOU get to decide when it is meant to be hostile versus just forgetting or misspeaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not your responsibility to affirm their delusions. You did nothing wrong.

Ok, well keep believing that. If a trans employee reports being misgendered even once, we must do mediation and assign sensitivity training. If it happens a second time, a PIP is put in place. If it happens again, we terminate.

Misgendering creates a hostile workplace.

You may think it's a delusion, but we must respect them and their choices.

I think those who believe in God are delusional.
I think Santa is a delusion and the Easter bunny as well.

I still respect those who do. That's called being a decent human.

And this is why we have the president we do. I went through years of meetings where people said Sit Down Gentlemen and tons of men only discourse. If misgendering 3 times results in termination, you can forget about a lot of people wanting to work at your company.

Not a problem.
We don't want hostile, walking liabilities working at our company. We want people who come to work as a team, not start political battles over their right to abuse people.

I'm guessing you don't do any actual work at your company. I say this as someone who works at a place that is sensitive to these issues but knows better than to be such a bunch of sanctimonious, performative a-hats about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Correct yourself and move on. It is not about your feelings.

This kind of attitude when someone like the OP is clearly acting in goodwill and asking for advice here (and did not say anything to or in front of the person in question) turns off so many people. It's how the trans movement lost support. Too much ordering around and shaming people who meant well.

[Anonymous]

Do you also become concerned when addressing a woman as Miss, Mrs, or Ms?

[Anonymous]

Always avoid pronouns. That’s my approach.

I know too many women with very feminine names who prefer “they” but it’s too easy to slip up and misgender, so I always say their name.

I’ve misgendered someone who I just met. They looked like a man and I had no way of knowing they had been born a woman and preferred going by she or they. Their name was something like Rob: a traditionally male name. They were wearing a business suit—a men’s suit. Short slicked back hair. And I later learned they hadn’t transitioned but essentially wrapped their breasts because they didn’t identify strictly as a woman.

I mean, if you present as a man but get offended when someone refers to you as he, then how should we know?

This person was addressing a group about the need for nongendered restrooms for people like them since they’ve had issues using the women’s restroom…which they prefer…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try working at a high school in the DMV. It is difficult to figure things out. I use they/them for everyone.

I can believe it! One of my kids had a pinned post in the group chat for members to update their gender identity in real time. I thought this was hilarious, but they took it very seriously. It settled out by 10th grade.

You thought it was "hilarious" that 8th/ 9th graders were fooling around with this? And you allowed them to take it seriously?

Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't worry about it. That's what they want you to do.

Yep. So they can be a victim of "injustice". See it all the time about anything that someone perceives qualifies them in this role. Our company just put out a facebook post on Juneteeth saying they had a small celebration in the office but one employee was mad the company didn't have a holiday for it off so sent out a distribution email to everyone in the company why the holiday was so important and how it was a federal holiday and most companies have off to push their agenda. There is some sort of victimhood every week from this employee. I can assure you the employee will capitalize on this for their benefit.

I'd be pretty peeved too if I worked for a company that generally was off on federal holidays but not Juneteenth. I don't know what that has to do with OP, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not your responsibility to affirm their delusions. You did nothing wrong.

Ok, well keep believing that. If a trans employee reports being misgendered even once, we must do mediation and assign sensitivity training. If it happens a second time, a PIP is put in place. If it happens again, we terminate.

Misgendering creates a hostile workplace.

You may think it's a delusion, but we must respect them and their choices.

I think those who believe in God are delusional.
I think Santa is a delusion and the Easter bunny as well.

I still respect those who do. That's called being a decent human.

And this is why we have the president we do. I went through years of meetings where people said Sit Down Gentlemen and tons of men only discourse. If misgendering 3 times results in termination, you can forget about a lot of people wanting to work at your company.

Not a problem.
We don't want hostile, walking liabilities working at our company. We want people who come to work as a team, not start political battles over their right to abuse people.

The irony is, this PP doesn't even recognize how stupid she sounds. You ARE CREATING the hostility, lady, and starting political battles over your perceived need to abuse people.