I’ve misgendered a colleague twice now and I’m mortified

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My lovely colleague is trans and uses nonbinary pronouns and TWICE (not in their presence thank goodness) I’ve referred to them as “she”.

They’re on T and have a little beard, but otherwise present as pretty feminine. They joined the company already having transitioned so I don’t even have the excuse of having known them before the transition. Just built in perceptions and assumptions that are proving hard to shake. It’s weird though bc my kids have friends who’ve tried on various gender identities and I’ve been able to keep up with that…

I can only imagine how difficult it is if you’ve known someone for years prior to transition. Any tips from someone who’s been successful? I so want to be respectful. I’m deep into middle age and have some new sympathy for old folks who struggle with this 😕

The performative self-flagellation is a bit much. It’s not 2021 any more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't worry about it. That's what they want you to do.

Yep. So they can be a victim of "injustice". See it all the time about anything that someone perceives qualifies them in this role. Our company just put out a facebook post on Juneteeth saying they had a small celebration in the office but one employee was mad the company didn't have a holiday for it off so sent out a distribution email to everyone in the company why the holiday was so important and how it was a federal holiday and most companies have off to push their agenda. There is some sort of victimhood every week from this employee. I can assure you the employee will capitalize on this for their benefit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't worry about it. That's what they want you to do.

Yep. So they can be a victim of "injustice". See it all the time about anything that someone perceives qualifies them in this role. Our company just put out a facebook post on Juneteeth saying they had a small celebration in the office but one employee was mad the company didn't have a holiday for it off so sent out a distribution email to everyone in the company why the holiday was so important and how it was a federal holiday and most companies have off to push their agenda. There is some sort of victimhood every week from this employee. I can assure you the employee will capitalize on this for their benefit.

Wow you sound bitter as do a lot of people on here.
I somehow think there's a big difference between these two populations you are trying to lump together.
Trans people are just trying to survive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't worry about it. That's what they want you to do.

Yep. So they can be a victim of "injustice". See it all the time about anything that someone perceives qualifies them in this role. Our company just put out a facebook post on Juneteeth saying they had a small celebration in the office but one employee was mad the company didn't have a holiday for it off so sent out a distribution email to everyone in the company why the holiday was so important and how it was a federal holiday and most companies have off to push their agenda. There is some sort of victimhood every week from this employee. I can assure you the employee will capitalize on this for their benefit.

I think you might be on the wrong thread? This isn't about a victim thing. This is about someone wanting to be respectful to a colleague they like. There's no mention of the colleague's personality other than "lovely" and none at all of their reactions to being misgendered. Your response is all about you considering yourself a victim of someone who is advocating for something important to them. Is that what you intended?

[Anonymous]

One trick I've heard is to be rigorous about how you refer to people *in your own mind* and to practice using they/them pronouns on your pet. Your pet doesn't care if you say "He looks hungry" or "They look hungry" but it gets your brain into a place where the pronouns come more easily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not your responsibility to affirm their delusions. You did nothing wrong.

Ok, well keep believing that. If a trans employee reports being misgendered even once, we must do mediation and assign sensitivity training. If it happens a second time, a PIP is put in place. If it happens again, we terminate.

Misgendering creates a hostile workplace.

You may think it's a delusion, but we must respect them and their choices.

I think those who believe in God are delusional.
I think Santa is a delusion and the Easter bunny as well.

I still respect those who do. That's called being a decent human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you just try your best, apologize quickly and move on. If someone knows you're respectful and doing your best, it's going to be fine unless they are unreasonable which is a totally different problem.

+1 acknowledge the mistake, that will mean something. You are tying to do better. It's like mispronouncing someone's name - I have an ethnic name and it's obviously when someone is well-intentioned/trying vs not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I keep accidentally using “him” with a coworker who uses “they.” And I work in HR! I try to speak more slowly around/about that person, to give my brain a chance to remember. Their beard makes my brain automatically think “him,” so I am retraining myself.

Well, he’s a he.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you just try your best, apologize quickly and move on. If someone knows you're respectful and doing your best, it's going to be fine unless they are unreasonable which is a totally different problem.

+1 acknowledge the mistake, that will mean something. You are tying to do better. It's like mispronouncing someone's name - I have an ethnic name and it's obviously when someone is well-intentioned/trying vs not.

This. I had a colleague who transitioned decades ago, before it was visible. The name change came easily to me, but pronouns were harder. As long as you're respectful, any reasonable person understands.

[Anonymous]

I have accidentally misgendered my teen's trans friend (hasn't changed her name so go by something like Luke which was her name prior to the transition). Her mom told me they view intent in this - like is your intent to make fun or are you trying to be respectful?

If you do it again just say point blank - I really apologize. I am respectful of your identity but clearly having a hard time with the pronouns. I'm working on it but wanted to put it out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personal pronouns are stupid and divisive.

You go by your first name only under all circumstances, I take it. "I called Mary to ask Mary about what Mary's preferences were for dinner and Mary said that Mary has no preferences; whatever John and Liz decide is fine with Mary."

This is what I do. Not because I'm rude but because it is safer and easier for me to remember.

An issue I have is remembering the nicknames people like. Some have nothing to do with the name.

[Anonymous]

Best trick is to practice in front of a mirror. Out loud! Every day, spend 1 min before you hop in the shower saying - “oh, I was just talking to Larl. They are going to the pool this weekend, which is great. park did a great job on project A - they’re such a good addition to the team!”

1 min a day for a few weeks. Practice makes perfect.

[Anonymous]

Try working at a high school in the DMV. It is difficult to figure things out. I use they/them for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Use their name instead. This is usually only an issue when speaking about someone who is not in the room. So use their name a bit more than he/she/they.

And when you notice you've done it, correct yourself. Without any weird comments. It's really not that hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try working at a high school in the DMV. It is difficult to figure things out. I use they/them for everyone.

I can believe it! One of my kids had a pinned post in the group chat for members to update their gender identity in real time. I thought this was hilarious, but they took it very seriously. It settled out by 10th grade.