I’ve misgendered a colleague twice now and I’m mortified

[Anonymous]

My lovely colleague is trans and uses nonbinary pronouns and TWICE (not in their presence thank goodness) I’ve referred to them as “she”.

They’re on T and have a little beard, but otherwise present as pretty feminine. They joined the company already having transitioned so I don’t even have the excuse of having known them before the transition. Just built in perceptions and assumptions that are proving hard to shake. It’s weird though bc my kids have friends who’ve tried on various gender identities and I’ve been able to keep up with that…

I can only imagine how difficult it is if you’ve known someone for years prior to transition. Any tips from someone who’s been successful? I so want to be respectful. I’m deep into middle age and have some new sympathy for old folks who struggle with this 😕

[Anonymous]

If they're a decent human, they too understand that it's hard for people.

I'm not going to judge you, because I have no idea how I'd do

[Anonymous]

I sympathize. I once misgendered a teen I met who was not transitioning but was a female who just looked very masculine. Her mother gently and kindly corrected me, but I was still mortified. Hopefully your colleague will be just as understanding.

[Anonymous]

Correct yourself and move on. It is not about your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My lovely colleague is trans and uses nonbinary pronouns and TWICE (not in their presence thank goodness) I’ve referred to them as “she”.

They’re on T and have a little beard, but otherwise present as pretty feminine. They joined the company already having transitioned so I don’t even have the excuse of having known them before the transition. Just built in perceptions and assumptions that are proving hard to shake. It’s weird though bc my kids have friends who’ve tried on various gender identities and I’ve been able to keep up with that…

I can only imagine how difficult it is if you’ve known someone for years prior to transition. Any tips from someone who’s been successful? I so want to be respectful. I’m deep into middle age and have some new sympathy for old folks who struggle with this 😕

[Anonymous]

Pronouns are so 2023.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Correct yourself and move on. It is not about your feelings.

This. Gees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pronouns are so 2023.

Say more. Like, newly invented in 2023? Pretty sure they’re an original feature of language.

Or do you mean that non binary *people* went out of fashion in 2023? That we can comfortably assign our own preferences to other people? Are you cool with being referred to as “him” (assuming you’re a woman)? Is it just a free for all in enlightened 2025? That could be fun!

Maybe it’s just that respect for others has gone out of fashion. That, I can believe. Thanks maga. But I’m not real concerned with trends— I just want to be nice. If I know someone’s preferences on almost any topic I’m going to try to respect it. I wouldn’t serve a steak to a vegetarian. I wouldn’t make my son wear a Cowboys jersey. I guess we’re just very different.

[Anonymous]

I think you just try your best, apologize quickly and move on. If someone knows you're respectful and doing your best, it's going to be fine unless they are unreasonable which is a totally different problem.

[Anonymous]

I guess make a point to use their chosen pronouns in front of them, and not in front of them, so they and others can see that you care and are trying to be thoughtful, without—as a PP mentioned—ambushing them with a hurtful confrontation about your feelings. Yes it may be performative, but fake it til you make it, and I think it’s okay to posture that you care about someone.

[Anonymous]

Don't worry about it. That's what they want you to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess make a point to use their chosen pronouns in front of them, and not in front of them, so they and others can see that you care and are trying to be thoughtful, without—as a PP mentioned—ambushing them with a hurtful confrontation about your feelings. Yes it may be performative, but fake it til you make it, and I think it’s okay to posture that you care about someone.

This. Just he/he/he/him/him him in your brain as much as you can. It'll happen!

DD has a friend and nobody is fazed as I stumble through they their his when talking about him. Over time it gets easier. Especially as their name is very male now. Hopefully your coworker is Doug or Ken, OP! You've got this! Everyone's trying.

[Anonymous]

Personal pronouns are stupid and divisive.

[Anonymous]

I keep accidentally using “him” with a coworker who uses “they.” And I work in HR! I try to speak more slowly around/about that person, to give my brain a chance to remember. Their beard makes my brain automatically think “him,” so I am retraining myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personal pronouns are stupid and divisive.

You go by your first name only under all circumstances, I take it. "I called Mary to ask Mary about what Mary's preferences were for dinner and Mary said that Mary has no preferences; whatever John and Liz decide is fine with Mary."