Stunned by a teen girl. How is this cordial behavior learned or is it innate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sad that OP’s reaction was jealousy.

I didn’t take it as that. Sounds like admiration

It was admiration. Others, however, just had to chime in about their own children who have that “it” factor themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:300 people for this one girl?

+1. Any family that hosts a gathering this large has given their kids plenty of practice at playing hostess.

I had a friend like this as a teen and young adult, though she was 'on' at all times, not just in large gatherings. And it's this - the plenty of practice thing.

I don't think the people skills were explicitly taught, but my friend's parents modeled it very consciously (I know because our parents were friends and my mom told me they talked about this somewhat). They had guests over in their home for meals from the time their kids were very small. They modeled how to be interested in people, ask questions, and spark conversation. They included their kids in the conversation. The kids learned from very young that conversation looked like genuine interest in people and how to make it flow. They modeled and enforced manners and hosting skills.

The family are varying degrees of extrovert and ambivert - no true introverts - and all the family's 3 kids came out with the ability to make people feel valued in a conversation. That said, two were more innately charismatic than the third.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:300 guests?

Yeah, this seems insane. The

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:300 guests?

Yeah, this seems insane.

Teases out the parents are at least UMC and very social. Nobody just casually throws a 300 person party at their house. Seasoned entertainers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gathering last weekend for a colleague’s daughter. Normal looking and her mom has told me over the years she’s just a regular, average student and sort of shy, not terribly popular — not a boisterous type-A overachieving homecoming queen Elle Woods or anything.

Apparently she can turn it “on” for large gatherings because we were blown away how she worked the crowd of 300+ people coming and going, and when we left, she ran out to our car to personally thank us. Charming, warm, eye contact, quick little stories and then gracefully moved on.

I told her mom this week how lovely her daughter was and how she ran out to say bye and thank you to us. She said everyone was saying the same and that she made sure to personally do that for all 300+ guests!

I’m asking because I’m jealous. Our daughter is a great student and outgoing but absolutely nothing like that. Do parents actually teach their teens to behave this way and turn it “on” in a large gathering?

Catholic school? Catholic school kids seem to have above average self-confidence, social skills and comfort in their own skin.

My hunch as well, both from the size of the event for a kid and Catholic school kids and families tend to be gregarious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:300 people for this one girl?

+1. Any family that hosts a gathering this large has given their kids plenty of practice at playing hostess.

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gathering last weekend for a colleague’s daughter. Normal looking and her mom has told me over the years she’s just a regular, average student and sort of shy, not terribly popular — not a boisterous type-A overachieving homecoming queen Elle Woods or anything.

Apparently she can turn it “on” for large gatherings because we were blown away how she worked the crowd of 300+ people coming and going, and when we left, she ran out to our car to personally thank us. Charming, warm, eye contact, quick little stories and then gracefully moved on.

I told her mom this week how lovely her daughter was and how she ran out to say bye and thank you to us. She said everyone was saying the same and that she made sure to personally do that for all 300+ guests!

I’m asking because I’m jealous. Our daughter is a great student and outgoing but absolutely nothing like that. Do parents actually teach their teens to behave this way and turn it “on” in a large gathering?

Parents need to put in the time to explicitly teach their kids how not be a-holes. too many are not focusing on this and it shows

[Anonymous]

Her parents have taught her well.
Amazing

[Anonymous]

My son is kind of like that (but so am i). His brother is 100% not. So I think some of it is just genetic.

[Anonymous]

That's my daughter. She's the teenager that makes adults say "Wow, what a delightful young lady." (Though I can't see myself throwing a party for 300+ people!) I can think of a couple factors (in addition to her natural social tendencies bc there's always an element of nature alongside the nurture):

1. I always noted when she had interacted well and praised her for it. "That person was really impressed with the way you stood up straight/ made eye contact/ shook hands/ participated in the conversation," and I pointed out other kids that did it well, too.
2. We have dinner as a family every single night, no screens, conversation required.
3. We entertain frequently-- neighbors, friends (hers and ours), colleagues. Sometimes it's pretty chill, sometimes we take it up a notch. And I've always casually pointed out the differences in hosting different people.

This makes it sound like there was some kind of grand plan, or etiquette curriculum. There wasn't; this is all hindsight. "Oh, I guess that thing worked out!" Believe me, there were plenty of half-baked attempts at engineering a well-rounded kid-- music lessons, coding practice, every art supply-- that flopped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is kind of like that (but so am i). His brother is 100% not. So I think some of it is just genetic.

+1. My son is like to this extended family, while his older sister is nothing like this to extended family. As a result, my mom and dad adore my son and are indifferent towards my daughter. They take her body language and behavior to mean she’s snooty because we must have spoiled and indulged her. We raised them the exact same way! It’s innate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:300 guests?

+1 The most guests we've had in our house were 50 and it was a squeeze and once every 5 years type of thing. When parents entertain a lot, I find that kids do develop more polish and more "hosting" abilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sad that OP’s reaction was jealousy.

I didn’t take it as that. Sounds like admiration

Admiration is “it’s great she has that.” Jealousy is “how do I get my kid to have that?” See the difference? OP is, indeed, jealous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sad that OP’s reaction was jealousy.

I didn’t take it as that. Sounds like admiration

Admiration is “it’s great she has that.” Jealousy is “how do I get my kid to have that?” See the difference? OP is, indeed, jealous.

And envy is "I'd take that away from her to get it to my kid." Envy is always bad. Jealousy? Not necessarily.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s a combination of at least minimum exposure to social etiquette and personality. Most kids these days are on social media and phones all the time. A kid that is forced to interact with others of all ages and has a more outgoing personality can pick this up easily. Beyond that, charisma can be natural or learned.