Stunned by a teen girl. How is this cordial behavior learned or is it innate?

[Anonymous]

I think it it is learned. My DS was shy but we and his various schools (all boys) really hammered home how to greet and talk to adults. He goes up to adults and initiates the first contact much of the time.

Many of his friends are the same. it is very noticeable to people, for example my family, outside our circles.

My son is medium student now at an SEC school and in a fraternity. I think these skills will serve him well.

[Anonymous]

I’m willing to bet that her parents have gatherings l ore often than not and she has watched her parents do the same thing, has grown up watching this happen at home and at others houses and I’m sure her parents have mentioned how to behave/not behave. It helps that her personality doesn’t appear to inhibit this behavior.

[Anonymous]

What was the nature of the gathering? My usually shy daughter is like this but when she is in host or teacher mode, she acts like a charming, gregarious leader. It depends on whether she feels as if she's been "deputized" to do so based on her role at the event

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gathering last weekend for a colleague’s daughter. Normal looking and her mom has told me over the years she’s just a regular, average student and sort of shy, not terribly popular — not a boisterous type-A overachieving homecoming queen Elle Woods or anything.

Apparently she can turn it “on” for large gatherings because we were blown away how she worked the crowd of 300+ people coming and going, and when we left, she ran out to our car to personally thank us. Charming, warm, eye contact, quick little stories and then gracefully moved on.

I told her mom this week how lovely her daughter was and how she ran out to say bye and thank you to us. She said everyone was saying the same and that she made sure to personally do that for all 300+ guests!

I’m asking because I’m jealous. Our daughter is a great student and outgoing but absolutely nothing like that. Do parents actually teach their teens to behave this way and turn it “on” in a large gathering?

Catholic school? Catholic school kids seem to have above average self-confidence, social skills and comfort in their own skin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband’s theory: Her outgoing parents hosted a lot of adult gatherings while their daughter was growing up. Kind of like Malcolm Gladwell’s book, the 10,000 hours of practice one. The somewhat shy daughter was getting those reps in, steeping in large gatherings makes you comfortable and you pick up social intelligence and get better and better at it. While our more outgoing daughter, and most teens in general, are rattled in such a setting. Outside of holidays once every few years, we never host large crowds at our home.

+1 It’s what is modeled by the parents and the ability to practice it. My parents were like this (one of them was a state politician), so I had years of years of seeing them turn it on in big group settings, and it was expected that I do the same. It was a muscle that I was given the opportunity to exercise. OP, do you model this type of behavior for your DD?

[Anonymous]

Oh this is us. We are outgoing and our daughters are too. One has a bit of introvert tendencies but has blossomed in high school and can turn it on especially around adults. The other one has always been outgoing and elected to everything in school from elementary and now in her sorority.

I chalk it up to being Irish Catholic. They have almost 40 first cousins. My husband and I have 10+ siblings together. Nothing in our family is small or quiet.

[Anonymous]

How do you know she's actually shy? You know what her mom told you. Your one meeting with her, it sounds like she wasn't shy at all. Maybe she's just not shy.

[Anonymous]

It may be innate in her family to some extent such that she grew up watching adult family members hold events, talk to guests, work the room and be mannerly.
She saw it modeled.

[Anonymous]

It's just their innate personality. My nephew, at 3, once threw open the front door at the end of a Passover seder to yell "Goodbye, we'll miss you!" to people leaving. Nobody told him to do it, he wasn't trying to be cute, he just ... felt moved to do that.

[Anonymous]

It’s their personality. These are the super successful people in life, no matter what they do if they have a strong work ethic and ambition because of their amazing social skills.

DH has it and has had a super successful business. In his personal life he’s actually one of those social introverts. He likes being social but it takes a lot out of him and he has limited friends and rarely goes out. If you see him at an event he’s hosting or a business thing, he would do what you described. It’s charisma you are describing.

I do not have it. Either do his siblings. They are polite and thank people but no way would individually thank hundreds. It would be more of a hug and a wave of “thanks for coming!” with whoever we see.

[Anonymous]

It can be taught if modeled a lot. My DH grew up in a family that never had dinner parties. He had no idea what that's like and was general awkward with more than 2 ppl at a time. I grew up with a ton of people always over at the table. Learned to toast at a young age, how to host, how to check on guests. After 15 years together, DH has become a great, attentive host. He knows what to do and who to talk to etc. He's more introverted in general but tells a good story and he knows how to manage it now. We have people over for dinner often now with kids and my WS kids know how to behave, sit at the table, ask the grownups questions. The 4th grader will choose to stay at the table and talk with grownups instead of playing with kids after they are all excused post the meal. She is generally an anxious kid in new situations but at home with people over she is in her element.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:300 guests?

Yes, coming and going. That also does not mean she gave 300 personal goodbyes. Most there were couples and couples with one or two kids. Maybe she did around 100 of those thank you goodbyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was the nature of the gathering? My usually shy daughter is like this but when she is in host or teacher mode, she acts like a charming, gregarious leader. It depends on whether she feels as if she's been "deputized" to do so based on her role at the event

Sounds like a bat mitzvah to this Jewish poster. I smiled so long at mine that my face hurt by the end of the night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gathering last weekend for a colleague’s daughter. Normal looking and her mom has told me over the years she’s just a regular, average student and sort of shy, not terribly popular — not a boisterous type-A overachieving homecoming queen Elle Woods or anything.

Apparently she can turn it “on” for large gatherings because we were blown away how she worked the crowd of 300+ people coming and going, and when we left, she ran out to our car to personally thank us. Charming, warm, eye contact, quick little stories and then gracefully moved on.

I told her mom this week how lovely her daughter was and how she ran out to say bye and thank you to us. She said everyone was saying the same and that she made sure to personally do that for all 300+ guests!

I’m asking because I’m jealous. Our daughter is a great student and outgoing but absolutely nothing like that. Do parents actually teach their teens to behave this way and turn it “on” in a large gathering?

I don't think this can really be taught. My daughter is also very good at this and has been since she was a child. I don't know about in a party of 300 people, but in any gathering she can hold her own.

I will say this much - generally, and not just to you PP - if your kid does not know or practice the very basic norm of introducing themselves and shaking hands then TEACH THEM. Force it. I watched a couple of my daughter's friends not even know how to say, "Hi, I'm Susie, nice to meet you" to others at the party we hosted. Makes a very bad impression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience it’s taught, but not all teens can pull it off. Teens who can are usually old souls. She’ll blossom in the right college.

Taught how? My daughter is not shy, extremely involved and social at school — but if we recommended behaving this way she’d think we were insane. Our higher achieving daughter would seem cold and unappreciative in the exact same setting.

I’m the pp. My DC was shy and anxious so DH and I made a concerted effort to teach manners such as a firm handshake, look someone in the eye when talking, small talk topics, etc. If you have an outgoing child I suspect you don’t have to teach them these skills as much because they run off to a group of friends as soon as they get to a gathering. Once DC was a teen the skills we taught are second nature and they are extremely comfortable around adults in social settings.