Stunned by a teen girl. How is this cordial behavior learned or is it innate?
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Anonymous
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Gathering last weekend for a colleague’s daughter. Normal looking and her mom has told me over the years she’s just a regular, average student and sort of shy, not terribly popular — not a boisterous type-A overachieving homecoming queen Elle Woods or anything.
Apparently she can turn it “on” for large gatherings because we were blown away how she worked the crowd of 300+ people coming and going, and when we left, she ran out to our car to personally thank us. Charming, warm, eye contact, quick little stories and then gracefully moved on. I told her mom this week how lovely her daughter was and how she ran out to say bye and thank you to us. She said everyone was saying the same and that she made sure to personally do that for all 300+ guests! I’m asking because I’m jealous. Our daughter is a great student and outgoing but absolutely nothing like that. Do parents actually teach their teens to behave this way and turn it “on” in a large gathering? |
Anonymous
| It's interesting to me that they describe her as shy, because my kid with anxiety definitely pays close attention to social norms, because he is afraid of messing up, and so comes across this way. His social skills are beautiful, but also a little too formal and adult to work well in kid settings. |
Anonymous
| In my experience it’s taught, but not all teens can pull it off. Teens who can are usually old souls. She’ll blossom in the right college. |
Anonymous
| Wow. No one in my family, adult or child, is like this. Good for her. I hope she's not too much of a people-pleaser - that comes with it's own set of issues. |
Anonymous
| its |
Anonymous
| The gathering was in her honor? I would have made sure my child greeted and thanked all of the guests at some point. That's a lot of people, though--good for her! |
Anonymous
| I have a friend with a kid like this. For her, it was never taught. She's been like this since she was a little kid, it just seems to come naturally to her. She's in college now and her friend circle has always been small but extremely close knit. She may "know everyone" but had no interest in being friends with a large group of people. She wanted her small group of friends that are basically family. |
Anonymous
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OP, why are you looking at another child’s unique gifts or talents or genuine manner and thinking your kid should “have that”?
As long as your kid is polite and kind and decent, then there’s nothing to teach or coach or prod. Love your kid. YOUR KID. The person she is. |
Anonymous
Omg, OP is curious about this girl because she’s uncommonly socially adept, so OP wondered if that’s taught or just happens naturally. Of course OP loves her kid! |
Anonymous
Taught how? My daughter is not shy, extremely involved and social at school — but if we recommended behaving this way she’d think we were insane. Our higher achieving daughter would seem cold and unappreciative in the exact same setting. |
Anonymous
+1. People are different, including kids, and that kind of "turning it on" ability is only one way to be. It's not a skill I have to this day, and that's fine, but it's great for the people who have it. |
Anonymous
| 300 guests? |
Anonymous
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My DS was very shy in HS and went away to college and became a new person. Just had a party that was 150ish with other families and he went around charming everyone, bringing people round to meet me. I got several emails after saying how great he was. I swear he knows everyone! We walked around the neighborhood and he was acting like the mayor going up to random parents he’d met at some point in the last 4 years to say hi. I would have laughed and bet $1m against this outcome in HS.
But, if it doesn’t happen it’s okay too. I’m a good hostess, but not like that and I’m fine. |
Anonymous
| Husband’s theory: Her outgoing parents hosted a lot of adult gatherings while their daughter was growing up. Kind of like Malcolm Gladwell’s book, the 10,000 hours of practice one. The somewhat shy daughter was getting those reps in, steeping in large gatherings makes you comfortable and you pick up social intelligence and get better and better at it. While our more outgoing daughter, and most teens in general, are rattled in such a setting. Outside of holidays once every few years, we never host large crowds at our home. |
Anonymous
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Your husband is probably spot on. I am an introvert, but my parents are extroverts and constantly held parties and took me to events and I just had to learn how to do this to survive. I still hate it, but I can do it.
My poor children have introverted parents and will never learn these important social skills!! |