late bloomer--no dating in high school?

[Anonymous]

I didn’t date in HS and ended up just fine and married at 28. I went to an all girls private high school and we didn’t have much one-on-one interaction with boys. I do think this made me less confident dealing with boys in college and my unease came across as aloofness/disinterest. I didn’t really feel comfortable dating until I was out of college and so wish I had had more experience.

I have two HS sons. One has a girlfriend and about half of his large friend group has a gf or has had a gf (or multiple girlfriends over time). They are the jocks/popular kids and they have dated/interacted with girls since freshman year. Before that, many of them had a “girlfriend” but in middle school, all that meant was that they texted- they never went on actual dates either as a group or individually.

My other son is shy and his group does not interact with girls much, much less dates.

People come into dating at their own pace, so I wouldn’t worry about your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents on here who talk a lot about their kids accomplishments and how busy and important they are, usually have kids who know not to share anything real with their parents.

They always preface it with “my child and her cohorts are sporty and POPULAR and take 30 AP classes with tons of ec so they have no time” BUT…. and then go on as if they know what is happening in college. As if that might be the reason that they don’t date.

[Anonymous]

I was that way in high school. I went to a ln all girl’s school. I had some good guy friends from the summer but we didn’t date. I had one guy friend at our brother school that was my date to Jr prom and I was his date, and again for a dance senior fall, but by the spring he had a girlfriend and we were never romantic anyway. I had a romantic fling for a week on a trip when I was 16 and a terrible (because I wasn’t interested in the guy, not because he treated me badly or anything) short-lived relationship (a few dates) freshman year of college. My mom didn’t know about those until very recently when we were a bit tipsy and she told me she worried about me never having any romance in high school. Anyway…at the end of freshman year (19) I met my husband. I truly thought I would date for college and well into my 20s, and that might have been fun, but I also have had a good 27 years with him.

I ended up having a group of guy friends I lived in a suite with (next door to a suite with my female friends) jr year and we lived together senior year too. Two of them, my husband (then boyfriend) and I traveled on spring break together senior year and when I moved to DC I initially had a group house with the same two men (and a friend of theirs). My older daughter is almost 13, so I don’t know what high school will be like, but certainly this isn’t new to not date much (if at all) in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids - DS and DD - were focussed on their studies and EC activities. Popular kids (public magnet HS, public in-state flagship college) who had many circle of friends from their various activities. Most of their friends were not dating because they had packed schedules. They did go as a group on trips, proms, homecoming, international travel, scholastic competitions etc. Not shy kids but not into the dating and romance scene.

What happened in college? They had a vast social network and they also dated casually (at least a coffee date or going to an event together kind of date) extensively. Eventually, they did get together with their SOs after knowing them as friends for a couple years.

I think majority of the kids are comfortable not being in a relationship and are focussed on their career path.

But, if they are balanced people - career focussed, mentally ok, emotionally whole, pleasant and attractive - their chance of a supportive and positive romantic connection increases in college.

I would suggest to parents that they need to focus on the mental and emotional well being of their children. Get them the therapy that they need.

And doing well in studies and having a well-illuminated career path and way to earn a decent livelihood also plays a role in the mental well-being of your children.

How would you know what happened when your kids were in college. Coffee dates, huh? Is that what they told you? The “popular “ kids had coffee dates on their weekends?

There are all types of groups in college. Some will find their forever person. Some will have a lot of fun with various hookups. For all you know your daughter was at the frat parties black out drunk.

Yes, fair point. DD dated her now DH from junior year of college and married him 6 years after graduating. No one wants to be with someone who has a reputation for sleeping around in college. Right now, DD and SIL's core friend groups are still college and grad school friends and some of their friends overlap. We pretty much know who is a hot mess. We are talking about elder Gen Z kids. They are not impressed with walking STD dispensers.

A slutty reputation is a slutty reputation. No one wants to marry the party drunk. Thankfully, my kids also went to colleges where Greek life was not that big. And they were never interested in Greek life. "Popular" for my kids meant someone having a solid core friends group, a robust network, many EC interests and good academic/career prospects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do boys start texting girls and asking them out in college? what changes with them?

They start to look like men.

This definitely changes. I didn't date in HS at all. Lots of guys were twerpy. I was asked out on my second day at college and dated pretty consistently after that, with a couple of relationships before meeting my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do boys start texting girls and asking them out in college? what changes with them?

They start to look like men.

This definitely changes. I didn't date in HS at all. Lots of guys were twerpy. I was asked out on my second day at college and dated pretty consistently after that, with a couple of relationships before meeting my husband.

Which is why most HS girls date Jrs/Srs or college guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do boys start texting girls and asking them out in college? what changes with them?

They start to look like men.

This definitely changes. I didn't date in HS at all. Lots of guys were twerpy. I was asked out on my second day at college and dated pretty consistently after that, with a couple of relationships before meeting my husband.

Which is why most HS girls date Jrs/Srs or college guys.

From what I am hearing, think this is the case for most high school kids these days. It’s harder for them to connect organically because of social media. Especially because Covid stunted these teens social growth during critical middle school years end. They would have been figuring out initial flirting. Kids today missed that window and now many of them prefer staying home on their electronics. It’s what they know and feel comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do boys start texting girls and asking them out in college? what changes with them?

They start to look like men.

This definitely changes. I didn't date in HS at all. Lots of guys were twerpy. I was asked out on my second day at college and dated pretty consistently after that, with a couple of relationships before meeting my husband.

Which is why most HS girls date Jrs/Srs or college guys.

From what I am hearing, think this is the case for most high school kids these days. It’s harder for them to connect organically because of social media. Especially because Covid stunted these teens social growth during critical middle school years end. They would have been figuring out initial flirting. Kids today missed that window and now many of them prefer staying home on their electronics. It’s what they know and feel comfortable with.

Seems like that would make it easier. I've met tons of people as friends, not dating, via social media apps that I would have never met "organically", to hook up for events and common interests, work, etc.

[Anonymous]

There is no real reason to date in high school any more. Most people aren't getting married right after high school and only a few few young relationships make it.

People change so much between 14-20.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do boys start texting girls and asking them out in college? what changes with them?

They start to look like men.

This definitely changes. I didn't date in HS at all. Lots of guys were twerpy. I was asked out on my second day at college and dated pretty consistently after that, with a couple of relationships before meeting my husband.

Which is why most HS girls date Jrs/Srs or college guys.

From what I am hearing, think this is the case for most high school kids these days. It’s harder for them to connect organically because of social media. Especially because Covid stunted these teens social growth during critical middle school years end. They would have been figuring out initial flirting. Kids today missed that window and now many of them prefer staying home on their electronics. It’s what they know and feel comfortable with.

Seems like that would make it easier. I've met tons of people as friends, not dating, via social media apps that I would have never met "organically", to hook up for events and common interests, work, etc.

Nah, they spend all their time “snapping”each other on Snapchat usually showing just a piece of hair (no face) to get their “snap Score” up. That’s their social currency but it rarely ends in face to face meetings. They don’t hook up through that. That usually happens in small friend groups. Very few date one person like we did.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand what no dating in high school is such a big deal. DD was in high school when covid happened. Majority of her peers never dated and these kids who are now in college still haven’t dated. Seems like most just hook up for a night. I think these mids are just years behind socially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand what no dating in high school is such a big deal. DD was in high school when covid happened. Majority of her peers never dated and these kids who are now in college still haven’t dated. Seems like most just hook up for a night. I think these mids are just years behind socially.

Cell phones. The modern security blanket.

Amuses me when I'm out in public places and see 99% of people playing with their phone like they are soooo important and busy and cannot put it down. It's a sign of mass-induced introverted behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do boys start texting girls and asking them out in college? what changes with them?

They start to look like men.

This definitely changes. I didn't date in HS at all. Lots of guys were twerpy. I was asked out on my second day at college and dated pretty consistently after that, with a couple of relationships before meeting my husband.

Which is why most HS girls date Jrs/Srs or college guys.

From what I am hearing, think this is the case for most high school kids these days. It’s harder for them to connect organically because of social media. Especially because Covid stunted these teens social growth during critical middle school years end. They would have been figuring out initial flirting. Kids today missed that window and now many of them prefer staying home on their electronics. It’s what they know and feel comfortable with.

Seems like that would make it easier. I've met tons of people as friends, not dating, via social media apps that I would have never met "organically", to hook up for events and common interests, work, etc.

This is true if their in person social skills were already appropriately developed. But they are often not. I know many teens and I hear regularly that they “meet” people on social media and then when they finally meet up in person that person is totally different - often awkward or strange or just not the same person. Their online communication skills become overly developed and it causes issues. The teens that are always “talking” to someone but it never leads to a real relationships guaranteed have this going on.

[Anonymous]

Normal.

[Anonymous]

Don't worry, OP. I didn't date at all in high school. In college I was a total tramp. I finally settled on one and we've been married 29 years this fall