What did you do to help your sons become good husbands and fathers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make them do chores. Make sure they know how to do all the “female” chores too like cooking, cleaning, sewing, cooking for holidays. (We also do the same with our girls. They can change tires, change oil, fix things. I believe in well rounded people)

I 2nd this.
Our kids also see my husband and I working together to care for both of our aging mothers. In our family everyone helps. I take care of his mom like she is my own. DH takes care of my mom like she is his. Family helps family. We talk about this at home so they understand that being part of a family has great parts and hard parts. You sign up for all of it.

[Anonymous]

DH said from the beginning we needed to raise good men. He taught our boys to treat women with respect. He also showed our boys how to lead a family. Interestingly, he would tell me what he taught the boys what they should expect from a wife. He told them their wives should follow their lead and put the family above all. He also told them any girl who wanted to keep her name was a nonstarter if she also expected an engagement ring—his point was girls who wanted to eschew some traditions but not others were candidates for divorce.

They aren’t married yet but they will make excellent husbands. They are kind but tough. In fact, they’re the kind of guys for whom women will change their politics. I know I did for DH. That last part won’t be popular, but it happens a lot for the right guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH said from the beginning we needed to raise good men. He taught our boys to treat women with respect. He also showed our boys how to lead a family. Interestingly, he would tell me what he taught the boys what they should expect from a wife. He told them their wives should follow their lead and put the family above all. He also told them any girl who wanted to keep her name was a nonstarter if she also expected an engagement ring—his point was girls who wanted to eschew some traditions but not others were candidates for divorce.

They aren’t married yet but they will make excellent husbands. They are kind but tough. In fact, they’re the kind of guys for whom women will change their politics. I know I did for DH. That last part won’t be popular, but it happens a lot for the right guy.

THIS IS THE WACKIEST THING I HAVE READ ON HERE ALL DAY.

[Anonymous]

Most women I know who kept their name did it because all their professional licenses, certifications, achievements were under that name.

Your DH is nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a mother, I am really struggling with this.
My high school son didn't acknowledge Mother's Day. I cooked him dinner that day and all he could do was show me some garments he was hoping I could patch the holes of.
My daughter called from college though, unprompted.

The son has also let his impolite friends talk crap about me for, say, reaching out to them to invite their families to graduation dinner.
I got a lot of flak from family members for paving the way for the son and his friends to spend spring break at a family property unaccompanied by adults. And these snarky kids give me crap.
The son also complains about me contacting his college for info on his student visa application so that we can start the application sooner than later so that I can book the plane tickets with confidence that the matricultion won't be botched.
I worry if I continue to be the helpful mom, I am creating an entitled a-hole.
I should just shrug my shoulders and not do anything?

You ARE creating an entitled ahole. So stop it. No woman will stay married to him.
I'd have a serious conversation with him (nonemotional) and then set different expectations. Make him cook dinner and clean up. Tell him expectations for birthdays/mothers day. He's almost an adult so tell him it's time to act like it and take ownership for not telling him this sooner. And tell him: If I don't get the visa stuff worked out fast then I cannot XXXXXX (whatever that is), and explain how that will affect him. Then stick to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH said from the beginning we needed to raise good men. He taught our boys to treat women with respect. He also showed our boys how to lead a family. Interestingly, he would tell me what he taught the boys what they should expect from a wife. He told them their wives should follow their lead and put the family above all. He also told them any girl who wanted to keep her name was a nonstarter if she also expected an engagement ring—his point was girls who wanted to eschew some traditions but not others were candidates for divorce.

They aren’t married yet but they will make excellent husbands. They are kind but tough. In fact, they’re the kind of guys for whom women will change their politics. I know I did for DH. That last part won’t be popular, but it happens a lot for the right guy.

Your DH is a controlling dick. Keep your boys away from my daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH said from the beginning we needed to raise good men. He taught our boys to treat women with respect. He also showed our boys how to lead a family. Interestingly, he would tell me what he taught the boys what they should expect from a wife. He told them their wives should follow their lead and put the family above all. He also told them any girl who wanted to keep her name was a nonstarter if she also expected an engagement ring—his point was girls who wanted to eschew some traditions but not others were candidates for divorce.

They aren’t married yet but they will make excellent husbands. They are kind but tough. In fact, they’re the kind of guys for whom women will change their politics. I know I did for DH. That last part won’t be popular, but it happens a lot for the right guy.

THIS IS THE WACKIEST THING I HAVE READ ON HERE ALL DAY.

+1 No women in the US should change their name now thanks to Trump and Republican efforts to disenfranchise women who have changed their name. All of us are telling our daughters to keep their maiden names.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH said from the beginning we needed to raise good men. He taught our boys to treat women with respect. He also showed our boys how to lead a family. Interestingly, he would tell me what he taught the boys what they should expect from a wife. He told them their wives should follow their lead and put the family above all. He also told them any girl who wanted to keep her name was a nonstarter if she also expected an engagement ring—his point was girls who wanted to eschew some traditions but not others were candidates for divorce.

They aren’t married yet but they will make excellent husbands. They are kind but tough. In fact, they’re the kind of guys for whom women will change their politics. I know I did for DH. That last part won’t be popular, but it happens a lot for the right guy.

Doesn’t sound like he is teaching them to respect women at all.

Divorce is most likely in LMC marriages where wives often change their names and least likely in UMC families where wives are least likely to change their names.

I guess parsing your words he is saying that as long as you save the $$$s on an engagement ring…then all is good if you keep your maiden name.

I doubt any woman is changing their politics for your kids…but there are plenty of women that are fine with being the meek wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:-work (boys who grow up with working moms are smarter, happier and more equal partners in the future)
-make sure he does chores (no son of mine will expect a woman to do his laundry etc)
-teach him to cook

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH said from the beginning we needed to raise good men. He taught our boys to treat women with respect. He also showed our boys how to lead a family. Interestingly, he would tell me what he taught the boys what they should expect from a wife. He told them their wives should follow their lead and put the family above all. He also told them any girl who wanted to keep her name was a nonstarter if she also expected an engagement ring—his point was girls who wanted to eschew some traditions but not others were candidates for divorce.

They aren’t married yet but they will make excellent husbands. They are kind but tough. In fact, they’re the kind of guys for whom women will change their politics. I know I did for DH. That last part won’t be popular, but it happens a lot for the right guy.

Oh hell no

Your DH is a pos

You are ignorant

No girl wants this utter stupidity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH said from the beginning we needed to raise good men. He taught our boys to treat women with respect. He also showed our boys how to lead a family. Interestingly, he would tell me what he taught the boys what they should expect from a wife. He told them their wives should follow their lead and put the family above all. He also told them any girl who wanted to keep her name was a nonstarter if she also expected an engagement ring—his point was girls who wanted to eschew some traditions but not others were candidates for divorce.

They aren’t married yet but they will make excellent husbands. They are kind but tough. In fact, they’re the kind of guys for whom women will change their politics. I know I did for DH. That last part won’t be popular, but it happens a lot for the right guy.

No you have raised closeted gays

What a dumb post. No one wants your Christian crap

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH said from the beginning we needed to raise good men. He taught our boys to treat women with respect. He also showed our boys how to lead a family. Interestingly, he would tell me what he taught the boys what they should expect from a wife. He told them their wives should follow their lead and put the family above all. He also told them any girl who wanted to keep her name was a nonstarter if she also expected an engagement ring—his point was girls who wanted to eschew some traditions but not others were candidates for divorce.

They aren’t married yet but they will make excellent husbands. They are kind but tough. In fact, they’re the kind of guys for whom women will change their politics. I know I did for DH. That last part won’t be popular, but it happens a lot for the right guy.

Oh hell no

Your DH is a pos

You are ignorant

No girl wants this utter stupidity.

Lots of happily married women end up with guys like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How can parents teach their sons to become good husbands and fathers so they are happy in their lives and so are their spouses and children?

My parents modeled vitriol and disrespect, but my household now is happy. It's a personal choice how to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most women I know who kept their name did it because all their professional licenses, certifications, achievements were under that name.

Your DH is nuts.

Why did you skip the part about the engagement ring, hmm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their dad gets more credit than me. He’s a great model of a caring yet masculine man who is very family oriented, cooks, cleans, and obviously cares deeply about them/me.

Other than that, I make a point not to nag but make pretty clear that they’re members of our family and need to pull their weight. I’ll tell them I have a big proposal for work and really could use their help walking the dog, doing some prep for dinner, etc and then give a lot of positive feedback when they step up. I catch them doing simple things and thank them for them - keeping it light. Yesterday my fifteen year old came upstairs to say goodbye to me before leaving for school and I gave him a big smile and said “aww, thanks for that! Let me know if I can make you a smoothie when you get home.” I’ll also call them out for being dicks though “hey, I know you had a hard week at school but dad and I have been been juggling work to make money so you can do xyz, and waking up early so we can leave in time to drive you to practice, and then I come home to your mess all over the kitchen? That makes me really really angry. I know you’re more thoughtful than that. How can you make this better?”

And outside of all that, I try to express interest in the things they care about and be understanding rather than judgmental so they don’t feel like I’m on their case all the time and are more likely to consider my opinion.

I have two teen sons who are quite lovely people.

When you react to a regular-ol' “good-bye” with exaggerated praise (aww, thanks for that!) and immediately offer a treat in return, it shifts the whole exchange from normal family courtesy to a transaction that revolves around the parent’s feelings. It tells the teen that even basic politeness is a special favor that fills Mom’s emotional tank, casting the child as caretaker of your self-esteem rather than the one to be cared for. By treating a simple acknowledgment like a personal gift and attaching a reward (“let me make you a smoothie”), you signal that the your children’s role is to make you feel seen and appreciated, which to me looks self-centered and manipulative.

Get your spy camera out of my house!

Seriously, though, you're 100% right. Emotionally dishonest manipulative parents ruin kids' psyches. Just be kind and acknowledge how your child's kindness makes you feel. Don't make basic decency transactional.