Would You Divorce If Adult Child Would Reject You?

[Anonymous]

Unless you're planning to marry someone new as soon as the ink is dry, there's pretty much no benefit to divorcing when you're old enough to have adult children. Just buy a house for her, or sell the one you share and buy two houses. Continue to pay the utilities and credit card for groceries/gas, with the understanding that monthly expenses not exceed $X. This is going to be much less expensive for you 90% of the time, assuming you are the primary breadwinner. Your investments remain intact, your home equity doesn't get touched, you don't have to fund an insurance policy for her that doesn't have you as the beneficiary, and YOU remain in control of all of your assets. (I'm assuming you handle the finances in your relationship.) All of this would be done with the understanding that you will be seeing other people and so will she. You'll vacation separately and rarely spend time together. Think of it as having a summer home that one of you occupies for 12 months/year.

[Anonymous]

That wife is using that child as a pawn and trying to guilt OP out of proceeding w the divorce.

Classic BS!

[Anonymous]

The other benefit to staying married: If you have a pension, you'll likely lose a lot of it to her. She'll keep that whether she remarries or not. It's not like alimony that would stop if she remarries/cohabitates. It's just GONE, and she's free to spend her share of your pension on her new boy toy, along with all the money you had to cash out from your employer stock options, 401K, savings accounts, and so on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My lawyer advises against the continuance. Her reasons? We risk the court resetting all the deadlines in the order- which prejudices us as we have already met deadlines and filed everything, so she has our exhibits and would be able to file things she missed before.

I caught W hiding assets. Continuance might allow her to move them.

I am happy to settle out of court, but W needs to come to the table. She doesn't like an equitable distribution of assets, where she would receive about $1.7 million and I would receive $1.3 million. She keeps the marital residence. I keep a jointly owned marital property. We each hold our retirements. So, no, not a SAHM being left high and dry. Adultery and other factors mitigate against her. I feel I am being fair and generous, and can easily see a judge approving this. W wants more than a 60/40 split, where she gets half of my retirement and keeps hers, as well as half equity in the marital residence and half equity in the investment property—not going to wash. I told my D that I am protecting everyone's interests.

Why didn't she hire an attorney? What would she file that would harm you? How much would it cost you in legal fees to agree to a continuance?

You aren't "protecting everyone's interests," you are protecting your interests, which is fine, but don't lie to your daughter, as it's not a foundation for a good relationship in the future. Nothing about the timing of your divorce proceedings protects your daughter's interests, and it sounds like proceeding without a continuance harms your wife's interests, or at least she indeed perceives that it does.

[Anonymous]

So what if the wife gets to file docs she failed to the first time? What are you afraid of, presuming she doesn't perjure herself and lie in her filings?

[Anonymous]

Your STBX’s excuse is flimsy; it doesn’t take very long to hire an attorney. Then the attorney can represent her at the court date and ask the court for a continuance so they can get up to speed. They can also explain to her than a 60/40 split of marital assets is ludicrous. You just proceed as your attorney advises.

As far as your dd, explain that there are legal issues that she isn’t privy to and you and her mother will not be speaking disparagingly about each other, so she needs to trust the process. Reassure her that you have already given her mother a year to hire an attorney and and offered to take less than half the marital assets, and that you and your attorney have no ill will towards her mother. Let her know that you and her mother will always be her coparents, regardless of your marital status and that you both love her and prioritize her. That’s really all you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what if the wife gets to file docs she failed to the first time? What are you afraid of, presuming she doesn't perjure herself and lie in her filings?

Have you been through a divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is the situation. I filed for divorce from my W of 25 years over a year ago. We are coming up on a court date in June. W never hired a lawyer. She asked the court for a continuance and her request was denied. She is now in full panic mode. My DD has called my several times almost begging me to give her mother more time. She says my unwillingness to give more time to her mom shows what kind of man I am. Fit background I did offer a separation and property settlement that my W threw in the trash and then waited six months before filing for divorce. W says she never read anything my lawyer sent, and she has claimed she never saw the original complaint b/c DD threw it away. I love my DD, but feel her mother is manipulating her and that if I don’t bend I may have an irreparable break with her. My lawyer advised against continuing. I’m feeling very stressed. WWYD?

Go to your wife and beg her for forgiveness. Tell her that you're going to go to therapy and do intensive work on yourself. Tell her that you're going to change (I'm sure she's heard that before), and outline the specific steps you're going to take. It might not work, but you need to try.

[Anonymous]

The continuance has already been denied. Not sure what people think OP should do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is the situation. I filed for divorce from my W of 25 years over a year ago. We are coming up on a court date in June. W never hired a lawyer. She asked the court for a continuance and her request was denied. She is now in full panic mode. My DD has called my several times almost begging me to give her mother more time. She says my unwillingness to give more time to her mom shows what kind of man I am. Fit background I did offer a separation and property settlement that my W threw in the trash and then waited six months before filing for divorce. W says she never read anything my lawyer sent, and she has claimed she never saw the original complaint b/c DD threw it away. I love my DD, but feel her mother is manipulating her and that if I don’t bend I may have an irreparable break with her. My lawyer advised against continuing. I’m feeling very stressed. WWYD?

Go to your wife and beg her for forgiveness. Tell her that you're going to go to therapy and do intensive work on yourself. Tell her that you're going to change (I'm sure she's heard that before), and outline the specific steps you're going to take. It might not work, but you need to try.

Huh? The man’s wife is in the wrong. He doesn’t owe her an apology. She sounds like a waste of space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage has been very high conflict. My D has witnessed it. There are things I’ve told my D that are only between her mother and I x d I will not discuss them her. I’m asking for a split of assets 52 percent in wife’s favor, but she says that’s not reasonable.

She went to court pro se and filed for the continuance. She claimed she did not see the original complaint b/c the process server gave it to my D who was home at the time. She also made other claims that my lawyer and I ambushed and misled her. She says she requested the continuance so she could get a lawyer. The judge denied her request. She waited too long.

Why would I write this? Because I’m stressed.

Is that allowed? I thought it had to be to the person directly?

So she doesn’t even have a lawyer and you won’t give her the extra time? Yikes.

No it's not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My lawyer advises against the continuance. Her reasons? We risk the court resetting all the deadlines in the order- which prejudices us as we have already met deadlines and filed everything, so she has our exhibits and would be able to file things she missed before.

I caught W hiding assets. Continuance might allow her to move them.

I am happy to settle out of court, but W needs to come to the table. She doesn't like an equitable distribution of assets, where she would receive about $1.7 million and I would receive $1.3 million. She keeps the marital residence. I keep a jointly owned marital property. We each hold our retirements. So, no, not a SAHM being left high and dry. Adultery and other factors mitigate against her. I feel I am being fair and generous, and can easily see a judge approving this. W wants more than a 60/40 split, where she gets half of my retirement and keeps hers, as well as half equity in the marital residence and half equity in the investment property—not going to wash. I told my D that I am protecting everyone's interests.

Is this OP's post? Her "demands" are not that big of a deal, especially if she was the working default parent and you were always working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My lawyer advises against the continuance. Her reasons? We risk the court resetting all the deadlines in the order- which prejudices us as we have already met deadlines and filed everything, so she has our exhibits and would be able to file things she missed before.

I caught W hiding assets. Continuance might allow her to move them.

I am happy to settle out of court, but W needs to come to the table. She doesn't like an equitable distribution of assets, where she would receive about $1.7 million and I would receive $1.3 million. She keeps the marital residence. I keep a jointly owned marital property. We each hold our retirements. So, no, not a SAHM being left high and dry. Adultery and other factors mitigate against her. I feel I am being fair and generous, and can easily see a judge approving this. W wants more than a 60/40 split, where she gets half of my retirement and keeps hers, as well as half equity in the marital residence and half equity in the investment property—not going to wash. I told my D that I am protecting everyone's interests.

What kind of "hiding assets" are you talking about?

Having one own's savings account that everyone knows exists is not hiding assets. Neither is a handful of debit visa cards.

Lots of ex wives and mothers keep the residence; they did all the work for it and in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where’s the fire OP? What are you trying to accomplish at your age that another six months is going to genuinely affect? You clearly want the divorce and your wife doesn’t. That happens all the time. So this is where the rubber meets the road: give her a continuance and let her know this is her opportunity to find representation and if she does not, she’ll suffer the consequences. You don’t have to live in an unhappy marriage. But there are lots of ways to exit a marriage without swinging a bat on your way out.

You can explain all this with kindness to your daughter, and if you’re genuine, your daughter will see that. If you are leaving a stay at home mom high and dry in her 60s who is about to live at the poverty line, it doesn’t matter what you do with the continuance because you’ll lose your kid.

FWIW, my dad left my mom for his AP. My mom is now remarried and living a great life. Dad was married a P until she died of a chronic ill illness many years later. Everyone would say that everyone moved on in my family and got along great. Privately, I will tell you that I grew up watching my mom lay on the couch on NYE and I’ve never forgiven my father. Have I moved on? Sure. I wasn’t given a choice. But he’s a selfish man, full stop.

Why do I think that’s the same thing op is planning on…

probably.

that's why the OP only selectively responds to posters, not the ones asking WHY THE DIVORCE?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you're planning to marry someone new as soon as the ink is dry, there's pretty much no benefit to divorcing when you're old enough to have adult children. Just buy a house for her, or sell the one you share and buy two houses. Continue to pay the utilities and credit card for groceries/gas, with the understanding that monthly expenses not exceed $X. This is going to be much less expensive for you 90% of the time, assuming you are the primary breadwinner. Your investments remain intact, your home equity doesn't get touched, you don't have to fund an insurance policy for her that doesn't have you as the beneficiary, and YOU remain in control of all of your assets. (I'm assuming you handle the finances in your relationship.) All of this would be done with the understanding that you will be seeing other people and so will she. You'll vacation separately and rarely spend time together. Think of it as having a summer home that one of you occupies for 12 months/year.

all very true. see a lot of this.