College Parent Pages/ Helicopter Parenting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try not judging. My one is very independent and the other well will see. People
know their kids and are trying to help them.
I remember growing up how many kids dropped out of school and really had hard lives. This was an era where parents, for the most part, didn’t know how to support their kids. Yes you hear crazy stories where parent is staying down so weird yes but for the most part parents are providing safety net for kids who need it. No shame in that.

Of course parents provide a safety net. This post is about Facebooking your kid's mistakes to the whole community, which compounds the humiliation by also showing everyone that you and your kid aren't capable of fixing the problem. Some things make sense to ask a crowd - others do not. OP's focus was on the latter, I believe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try not judging. My one is very independent and the other well will see. People
know their kids and are trying to help them.
I remember growing up how many kids dropped out of school and really had hard lives. This was an era where parents, for the most part, didn’t know how to support their kids. Yes you hear crazy stories where parent is staying down so weird yes but for the most part parents are providing safety net for kids who need it. No shame in that.

A 19 or 20 YO who needs mommy to find a blue book for him an hour before a final exam, because he couldn’t be bothered to remember to take care of it himself, is beyond needing a safety net. He shouldn’t be in college. Or, he should be allowed to fail the exam.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time I scroll the parent FB page at DC's school, I shake my head in wonder. How do some of these people get out of bed every morning without mama standing right there?

Today, a frantic parent is posting that "we" don't have a blue book for DS's exam an hour from now. Can one of your kids please find one and take it to him? He'll meet you anywhere on campus!

Yesterday, there were posts of student meltdowns at the airport because they "forgot" they needed Real ID to fly and they didn't allow enough time for extra security. How dare the TSA delay these students, who are crying that they just want to go home?

I wish I was making this up.

It is usually the same 5 parents with all the drama IME.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:UMD is the worst.

I'm on that FB page. I have seen a few personal posts about depression and roommate issues. Most seem anonymous though. I feel for those kids and the parents. Both my kids have gone through a hard time socially at some point in their lives, but it's tougher when you are not at home with no parental support. And as a parent, it's tough to watch them go through that. My kid at UMD went through some roommate issues recently. They did handle it themselves. Even so, I don't think I would out them on FB.

But, how would you know if it's the "worst"? I'm assuming you are not on multiple FB parent groups.

They’re all bad. And none of this is good for the students. It’s all about the parents and their continued need to be relevant in their kids daily lives.

This makes me laugh. I'm doing my genealogy. In peasant Europe, your parents were in your daily life from birth until their death unless you were affluent or moved to your in-laws' house. Affluence gives us the privilege of distance parenting our18 year olds.

I am working on independence with my kid and generally do not interfere. But I feel that I have a right to give my advice and sometimes have a role in decisions because I'm paying the full tab for college tuition, housing, and food. My parents left me alone and I generally made good decisions but I had some decision errors that I made because they were hands off. In retrospect I see now that they were focused on their own issues and I could have used more engagement and input at certain points. No big fails...but why celebrate one's mistakes? Acceptance is enough.

[Anonymous]

PP and I checked out of all PTA meetings, Meet the Teacher/Coach/Back to School Kick off in the Parking Lot/Orientation/Planning/Graduation meetings when my youngest was in 6th grade.

Also never checked SIS or grades on any of my DC. Couldn’t ever figure out how to easily log on so I just never bothered. Youngest spent 4 years with my deceased parents as emergency contacts because I never could get this info changed in SIS.

Truly didn’t care.

I guess I’m just hands off and I’d like to think I taught my kids independence and problem solving. Would characterize each as mature and capable.

[Anonymous]

Parent pages offer top notch entertainment value. Please don't ruin it by having people think before they post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is a Freshmen in college. I have never had Facebook. I don't follow any of that. I do see the general university webpage on Insta--and announcements there.

I never checked my kids' Canvas school sites since the first year in MS. They were independent. HS----they showed up and came home and all was good. They are completely independent.

I was turned off on the tour for our state school which was filled with NoVA parents and the truly idiotic over-bearing questions. Kid is at a school that draws from all over, including Internationally, and the times we have had move-in, parent orientation, school tour and gone to visit the parents seem very chill and hands-off. fwiw, it's ivy so don't know if it is the independence these kids have to make it there.

that's great, but not all kids are mature enough to be independent in HS.

I have two kids: one is like what you describe, the other is not. Both were late bloomers, but personality has a lot to do with it.

Most 18 yr olds are not very mature. I was at 18. I did everything myself, but that was because I had to since my parents didn't speak any English, and I was first gen. I had zero support and help navigating the college process and within college (large state school). It would've been helpful if I had some support. Sure, it made me super independent, but it also made me anxious and stressed. I'm glad I can be there for my kids. That's not to say that I am a helicopter or a snow plow parent, but I will make sure that they are aware of important things and are able to handle issues, though I don't post it on FB.

A lot is how they are raised. Both my sons are like pps. Their elementary school principal was fantastic for making sure kids were independent by teaching study skills, time management and the use of canvas on their own. She seemed harsh at the time, but it worked. As parents we would initially check canvas but in middle school when we saw they were doing it we only checked if there was a lower grade, etc so that by HS we didn’t need to.

We taught independence and self-advocacy with sports coaches and teachers at the sane time. We weren’t the one approaching them with issues. We coached our kids to go to them when they needed help, didn’t understand something or a coach if they wanted to know why they weren’t getting playing time- what to work on, etc. Now this meant they often got screwed over by the kids whose parents did get up in the coach’s faces or brown-nosed, donated, etc., but it taught my kids serious grit. They failed (often not due to actual merit) and they dusted themselves off and found another team, worked harder, etc. We let them know bosses will be like future teachers and coaches—some will absolutely suck and some will be great, etc.

The high school we sent them to was college prep—wanted hands off. Parents had no access to canvas our kids learned the metro, etc.

My college freshmen navigated a surgery, a crazy sports situation, public transportation, zipcars, new phone when broken on his own. He is doing study abroad fall of sophomore year.

Yes- certain kids have disabilities or learning issues and this wouldn’t have worked—but a vast majority have parents that did way too much for them and expected to little competency or self-advocacy from them. When my kids complained—we’d ask “what can you do about it”. I taught a lot of failure opens the door for something better, next level—it’s good it happened—and they certainly have seen that play out. Dust yourself off, dig in or redirect. If you want it, don’t half-@ss it and then complain afterwards.

But, gddamn, if your kid isn’t figuring things out by college —and you need to be like some of those Facebook parents…yikes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How dare these kids be kids with caring parents.

"Caring parents" do not try to solve every problem that their young adult creates for themselves.

Caring parents don’t send kids out into the world incapable of acting like adults. If your kid can’t text friends to find a blue book or call the airline and reschedule if they miss their flight, maybe they should stay home at community college. I am not saying leave them completely alone. Here is how my parents would have handled it -

Me - texts mom, OMG I forgot about RealID and I may miss my flight because TSA is backed up!
Mom - stay in line and hope for the best. Be prepared to hustle - bathroom and food can wait. If you do miss your flight, call the airline and see if you can get on the next flight.

+1

My son will check in but then figures out himself and I get a “never mind”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How dare these kids be kids with caring parents.

"Caring parents" do not try to solve every problem that their young adult creates for themselves.

And then they blame everyone else instead of themselves or their own kid!

This reminds me of DS’ freshman year. I saw a post on the parent Facebook page and figured out it was the Mom of DS’ roommate. She was complaining about my DS and posted some really mean things. I popped in for an unannounced visit and realized her comments weren’t valid. My DS ended up with a new roommate and things were fine after that but it made me realize how important it is to step back and let young adults handle their own issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP and I checked out of all PTA meetings, Meet the Teacher/Coach/Back to School Kick off in the Parking Lot/Orientation/Planning/Graduation meetings when my youngest was in 6th grade.

Also never checked SIS or grades on any of my DC. Couldn’t ever figure out how to easily log on so I just never bothered. Youngest spent 4 years with my deceased parents as emergency contacts because I never could get this info changed in SIS.

Truly didn’t care.

I guess I’m just hands off and I’d like to think I taught my kids independence and problem solving. Would characterize each as mature and capable.

yikes. That's not the flex you think it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two kids in college and I joined the parent facebook pages for both schools. Neither of them have that level of helicopter parenting.

It's a lot of seeking graduation tickets, questions about parents weekend, and advice on hotels for parents to stay at near campus.

+1
I’ve learned a lot from the parent pages on FB. Occasionally there will be an overwrought post, but I scroll on by. Most of the info is very useful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is a Freshmen in college. I have never had Facebook. I don't follow any of that. I do see the general university webpage on Insta--and announcements there.

I never checked my kids' Canvas school sites since the first year in MS. They were independent. HS----they showed up and came home and all was good. They are completely independent.

I was turned off on the tour for our state school which was filled with NoVA parents and the truly idiotic over-bearing questions. Kid is at a school that draws from all over, including Internationally, and the times we have had move-in, parent orientation, school tour and gone to visit the parents seem very chill and hands-off. fwiw, it's ivy so don't know if it is the independence these kids have to make it there.

that's great, but not all kids are mature enough to be independent in HS.

I have two kids: one is like what you describe, the other is not. Both were late bloomers, but personality has a lot to do with it.

Most 18 yr olds are not very mature. I was at 18. I did everything myself, but that was because I had to since my parents didn't speak any English, and I was first gen. I had zero support and help navigating the college process and within college (large state school). It would've been helpful if I had some support. Sure, it made me super independent, but it also made me anxious and stressed. I'm glad I can be there for my kids. That's not to say that I am a helicopter or a snow plow parent, but I will make sure that they are aware of important things and are able to handle issues, though I don't post it on FB.

A lot is how they are raised. Both my sons are like pps. Their elementary school principal was fantastic for making sure kids were independent by teaching study skills, time management and the use of canvas on their own. She seemed harsh at the time, but it worked. As parents we would initially check canvas but in middle school when we saw they were doing it we only checked if there was a lower grade, etc so that by HS we didn’t need to.

We taught independence and self-advocacy with sports coaches and teachers at the sane time. We weren’t the one approaching them with issues. We coached our kids to go to them when they needed help, didn’t understand something or a coach if they wanted to know why they weren’t getting playing time- what to work on, etc. Now this meant they often got screwed over by the kids whose parents did get up in the coach’s faces or brown-nosed, donated, etc., but it taught my kids serious grit. They failed (often not due to actual merit) and they dusted themselves off and found another team, worked harder, etc. We let them know bosses will be like future teachers and coaches—some will absolutely suck and some will be great, etc.

The high school we sent them to was college prep—wanted hands off. Parents had no access to canvas our kids learned the metro, etc.

My college freshmen navigated a surgery, a crazy sports situation, public transportation, zipcars, new phone when broken on his own. He is doing study abroad fall of sophomore year.

Yes- certain kids have disabilities or learning issues and this wouldn’t have worked—but a vast majority have parents that did way too much for them and expected to little competency or self-advocacy from them. When my kids complained—we’d ask “what can you do about it”. I taught a lot of failure opens the door for something better, next level—it’s good it happened—and they certainly have seen that play out. Dust yourself off, dig in or redirect. If you want it, don’t half-@ss it and then complain afterwards.

But, gddamn, if your kid isn’t figuring things out by college —and you need to be like some of those Facebook parents…yikes

eh.. I raised both my kids the same way, but the younger one is less mature than the older at the same age. We have to stay on top of them more because of how scattered they are. They also have some mental health issues -- some anxiety and depression. We tell them to check their grades/assignments all the time (HSer) but we also verify every so often and get on them to raise their grades if we see them sliding. They just don't care about their grades as much. Too "in the moment" unlike my older kid who was a straight A student all throughout their schooling including as a senior in college. I never had to check their grades, ever. They care more about their grades than I do. But, I did have to get on them during college apps time.

These kids have to do a lot more than I ever did in HS or college. So, I don't blame kids now a days for being more anxious and having more mental health issues.
That said, it's even more important for parents to teach them to navigate their own issues when they are older, but also be their support system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How dare these kids be kids with caring parents.

LOL no. They're deranged.

They are not deranged and it’s not “horrifying.” For coming down on drama queens parents you and others certainly are ones yourself. So stop with the hyperbole.

At worst the parents are anxious. So show some grace for once and scroll by. It’s not that hard to myofb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is a Freshmen in college. I have never had Facebook. I don't follow any of that. I do see the general university webpage on Insta--and announcements there.

I never checked my kids' Canvas school sites since the first year in MS. They were independent. HS----they showed up and came home and all was good. They are completely independent.

I was turned off on the tour for our state school which was filled with NoVA parents and the truly idiotic over-bearing questions. Kid is at a school that draws from all over, including Internationally, and the times we have had move-in, parent orientation, school tour and gone to visit the parents seem very chill and hands-off. fwiw, it's ivy so don't know if it is the independence these kids have to make it there.

that's great, but not all kids are mature enough to be independent in HS.

I have two kids: one is like what you describe, the other is not. Both were late bloomers, but personality has a lot to do with it.

Most 18 yr olds are not very mature. I was at 18. I did everything myself, but that was because I had to since my parents didn't speak any English, and I was first gen. I had zero support and help navigating the college process and within college (large state school). It would've been helpful if I had some support. Sure, it made me super independent, but it also made me anxious and stressed. I'm glad I can be there for my kids. That's not to say that I am a helicopter or a snow plow parent, but I will make sure that they are aware of important things and are able to handle issues, though I don't post it on FB.

A lot is how they are raised. Both my sons are like pps. Their elementary school principal was fantastic for making sure kids were independent by teaching study skills, time management and the use of canvas on their own. She seemed harsh at the time, but it worked. As parents we would initially check canvas but in middle school when we saw they were doing it we only checked if there was a lower grade, etc so that by HS we didn’t need to.

We taught independence and self-advocacy with sports coaches and teachers at the sane time. We weren’t the one approaching them with issues. We coached our kids to go to them when they needed help, didn’t understand something or a coach if they wanted to know why they weren’t getting playing time- what to work on, etc. Now this meant they often got screwed over by the kids whose parents did get up in the coach’s faces or brown-nosed, donated, etc., but it taught my kids serious grit. They failed (often not due to actual merit) and they dusted themselves off and found another team, worked harder, etc. We let them know bosses will be like future teachers and coaches—some will absolutely suck and some will be great, etc.

The high school we sent them to was college prep—wanted hands off. Parents had no access to canvas our kids learned the metro, etc.

My college freshmen navigated a surgery, a crazy sports situation, public transportation, zipcars, new phone when broken on his own. He is doing study abroad fall of sophomore year.

Yes- certain kids have disabilities or learning issues and this wouldn’t have worked—but a vast majority have parents that did way too much for them and expected to little competency or self-advocacy from them. When my kids complained—we’d ask “what can you do about it”. I taught a lot of failure opens the door for something better, next level—it’s good it happened—and they certainly have seen that play out. Dust yourself off, dig in or redirect. If you want it, don’t half-@ss it and then complain afterwards.

But, gddamn, if your kid isn’t figuring things out by college —and you need to be like some of those Facebook parents…yikes

eh.. I raised both my kids the same way, but the younger one is less mature than the older at the same age. We have to stay on top of them more because of how scattered they are. They also have some mental health issues -- some anxiety and depression. We tell them to check their grades/assignments all the time (HSer) but we also verify every so often and get on them to raise their grades if we see them sliding. They just don't care about their grades as much. Too "in the moment" unlike my older kid who was a straight A student all throughout their schooling including as a senior in college. I never had to check their grades, ever. They care more about their grades than I do. But, I did have to get on them during college apps time.

These kids have to do a lot more than I ever did in HS or college. So, I don't blame kids now a days for being more anxious and having more mental health issues.
That said, it's even more important for parents to teach them to navigate their own issues when they are older, but also be their support system.

Same. Oldest was always mature beyond years and figured it all out young. Thriving at an Ivy. Youngest has anxiety/depression and needs more guidance. We always joke if we had stopped at one kid we’d be insufferable thinking we knew it all. I’d like to think we made some impact, but they also are who they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP and I checked out of all PTA meetings, Meet the Teacher/Coach/Back to School Kick off in the Parking Lot/Orientation/Planning/Graduation meetings when my youngest was in 6th grade.

Also never checked SIS or grades on any of my DC. Couldn’t ever figure out how to easily log on so I just never bothered. Youngest spent 4 years with my deceased parents as emergency contacts because I never could get this info changed in SIS.

Truly didn’t care.

I guess I’m just hands off and I’d like to think I taught my kids independence and problem solving. Would characterize each as mature and capable.

yikes. That's not the flex you think it is.

+1