College Parent Pages/ Helicopter Parenting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two kids in college and I joined the parent facebook pages for both schools. Neither of them have that level of helicopter parenting.

It's a lot of seeking graduation tickets, questions about parents weekend, and advice on hotels for parents to stay at near campus.

Same.

It’s fairly infrequent, but occasionally there’s something that seems “helicoptery,” and the other parents pretty much respond “You need to let your kid talk to the [professor/administrator/etc] and figure that out.”

[Anonymous]

I'm a mother hen to a college kid with special needs... and I don't do any of these things.

Maybe it's just the nature of social media? I know better than to lay out my life for all to see on there. Our agonies stay private within the family circle.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My kid is a Freshmen in college. I have never had Facebook. I don't follow any of that. I do see the general university webpage on Insta--and announcements there.

I never checked my kids' Canvas school sites since the first year in MS. They were independent. HS----they showed up and came home and all was good. They are completely independent.

I was turned off on the tour for our state school which was filled with NoVA parents and the truly idiotic over-bearing questions. Kid is at a school that draws from all over, including Internationally, and the times we have had move-in, parent orientation, school tour and gone to visit the parents seem very chill and hands-off. fwiw, it's ivy so don't know if it is the independence these kids have to make it there.

that's great, but not all kids are mature enough to be independent in HS.

I have two kids: one is like what you describe, the other is not. Both were late bloomers, but personality has a lot to do with it.

Most 18 yr olds are not very mature. I was at 18. I did everything myself, but that was because I had to since my parents didn't speak any English, and I was first gen. I had zero support and help navigating the college process and within college (large state school). It would've been helpful if I had some support. Sure, it made me super independent, but it also made me anxious and stressed. I'm glad I can be there for my kids. That's not to say that I am a helicopter or a snow plow parent, but I will make sure that they are aware of important things and are able to handle issues, though I don't post it on FB.

A lot is how they are raised. Both my sons are like pps. Their elementary school principal was fantastic for making sure kids were independent by teaching study skills, time management and the use of canvas on their own. She seemed harsh at the time, but it worked. As parents we would initially check canvas but in middle school when we saw they were doing it we only checked if there was a lower grade, etc so that by HS we didn’t need to.

We taught independence and self-advocacy with sports coaches and teachers at the sane time. We weren’t the one approaching them with issues. We coached our kids to go to them when they needed help, didn’t understand something or a coach if they wanted to know why they weren’t getting playing time- what to work on, etc. Now this meant they often got screwed over by the kids whose parents did get up in the coach’s faces or brown-nosed, donated, etc., but it taught my kids serious grit. They failed (often not due to actual merit) and they dusted themselves off and found another team, worked harder, etc. We let them know bosses will be like future teachers and coaches—some will absolutely suck and some will be great, etc.

The high school we sent them to was college prep—wanted hands off. Parents had no access to canvas our kids learned the metro, etc.

My college freshmen navigated a surgery, a crazy sports situation, public transportation, zipcars, new phone when broken on his own. He is doing study abroad fall of sophomore year.

Yes- certain kids have disabilities or learning issues and this wouldn’t have worked—but a vast majority have parents that did way too much for them and expected to little competency or self-advocacy from them. When my kids complained—we’d ask “what can you do about it”. I taught a lot of failure opens the door for something better, next level—it’s good it happened—and they certainly have seen that play out. Dust yourself off, dig in or redirect. If you want it, don’t half-@ss it and then complain afterwards.

But, gddamn, if your kid isn’t figuring things out by college —and you need to be like some of those Facebook parents…yikes

eh.. I raised both my kids the same way, but the younger one is less mature than the older at the same age. We have to stay on top of them more because of how scattered they are. They also have some mental health issues -- some anxiety and depression. We tell them to check their grades/assignments all the time (HSer) but we also verify every so often and get on them to raise their grades if we see them sliding. They just don't care about their grades as much. Too "in the moment" unlike my older kid who was a straight A student all throughout their schooling including as a senior in college. I never had to check their grades, ever. They care more about their grades than I do. But, I did have to get on them during college apps time.

These kids have to do a lot more than I ever did in HS or college. So, I don't blame kids now a days for being more anxious and having more mental health issues.
That said, it's even more important for parents to teach them to navigate their own issues when they are older, but also be their support system.

I have an organized college kid that needs virtually no oversight, but I am realistic enough to know that it’s probably 20% my parenting and 80% his personality.

[Anonymous]

Helicopter parents by and large never actually grew up themselves so don’t want their children to do so either. Very sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like parenting took a massive shift in 2020 and did not recover.

I dropped mine off at college in fall of ‘18 and ‘19. They were ok.

But some parents who had their kids home in high school through covid never really let them go, mentally. And that intensity has carried forward. Those crazy posters just make me feel…profoundly normal.

My third and last is about to head off to his first dorm in August. He’d be mortified if I tried to “decorate” it. And he’d pretend not to know me if I posted about it.

Covid was an ACE for some parents and they projected onto their kids. So yes, I do think some kids were traumatized by being home with a certain type of parent.

No one applying to or attending college now has a parent for whom Covid was an ACE. An ACE is an event that happened before you were 18 and no one who was under 18 during Covid, has children who are now old enough to attend college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is hard and you don't know what people are dealing with from the surface. Some students and parents have backgrounds of trauma or special needs and this pandemic and the arrested development it led to for many kids was hard on social growth and maturity.

Just how long can we get away with blaming the pandemic for parenting fails?

The pandemic was an adverse childhood event (ACE). Children with an ACE score of three or more tend to do poorly. So if a kid had a well adjusted childhood, the pandemic bumped their ACE score from zero to one. Those kids are still doing well. A child whose parents already divorced had an ACE score of one. The pandemic bumped that child’s ACE score to two. They’re still okay. But the child of divorce whose parent later got cancer now has an ACE score of 3, and that kid is likely to really struggle.

It’s not parenting fails, pp. More people in this generation are going to struggle. I think it will span from the college class of 2020 to about the class of 2040 or so. That’s the generation that was between ages 2 and 22 during lockdown. The pandemic was absolutely an ACE for my 3yo, but not for my 1yo.

You don't have a clue what you are talking about.

ACE scores are about very specific types of childhood traumas, almost all of which are related to parental neglect and abuse. They aren't just about bad things. Covid was not an ACE. It may have made ACE's more likely. For example, a kid who stopped getting school meals, might have experienced chronic hunger which is an ACE. A child whose was sexually abused because of a family member who came to stay during Covid, and who didn't have access to mandated reporters to end that abuse because of Covid experienced and ACE. If a parent became so stressed by lockdown that they physicall abused their child, or had a psychotic break during covid, those things are ACE's. Did those things happen to your 3 year old?

To be clear, having a parent diagnosed with cancer, or dying from cancer, or getting cancer yourself are not ACE's either.

Here is the questionnaire that is used to measure ACE's.

https://www.mdcalc.com/calc/10464/adverse-childhood-experiences-ace-score

[Anonymous]

I do think the pandemic really hurt my kids. I was so worried about their mental health I became a lot less strict and started doing much more for them. Despite being great students, they are not as independent as they should be, and rely on me WAY too much. It's stressful and not something I'd like to continue, but the stakes feel so high.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have FB but after reading this thread I kind of want to see the college parents’ page for my kid’s university.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think the pandemic really hurt my kids. I was so worried about their mental health I became a lot less strict and started doing much more for them. Despite being great students, they are not as independent as they should be, and rely on me WAY too much. It's stressful and not something I'd like to continue, but the stakes feel so high.

My kids were 12 and 15 when the pandemic hit. I made them take on more responsibility at home because they weren't doing much since all the activities were cancelled, and they had zero HW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think the pandemic really hurt my kids. I was so worried about their mental health I became a lot less strict and started doing much more for them. Despite being great students, they are not as independent as they should be, and rely on me WAY too much. It's stressful and not something I'd like to continue, but the stakes feel so high.

I think you can acknowledge that the pandemic hurt kids, and that it did contribute to some kids experiencing the kind of trauma that leads to higher ACE scores, while still acknowledging that the pandemic, if not combined with other crises, was not in itself on the same level of trauma as the kinds of things that the ACE score measures.

To be clear, the ACE score asks questions like whether you saw your father threaten your mother with a gun, or whether you experienced sexual abuse, or whether you experienced extended periods of time without food. Lockdown may have made those events more common for some kids, but lockdown itself was not en par with those experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have FB but after reading this thread I kind of want to see the college parents’ page for my kid’s university.

You are not missing anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is hard and you don't know what people are dealing with from the surface. Some students and parents have backgrounds of trauma or special needs and this pandemic and the arrested development it led to for many kids was hard on social growth and maturity.

Just how long can we get away with blaming the pandemic for parenting fails?

The pandemic was an adverse childhood event (ACE). Children with an ACE score of three or more tend to do poorly. So if a kid had a well adjusted childhood, the pandemic bumped their ACE score from zero to one. Those kids are still doing well. A child whose parents already divorced had an ACE score of one. The pandemic bumped that child’s ACE score to two. They’re still okay. But the child of divorce whose parent later got cancer now has an ACE score of 3, and that kid is likely to really struggle.

It’s not parenting fails, pp. More people in this generation are going to struggle. I think it will span from the college class of 2020 to about the class of 2040 or so. That’s the generation that was between ages 2 and 22 during lockdown. The pandemic was absolutely an ACE for my 3yo, but not for my 1yo.

Your 3 yo Covid child is 8 now. Doubtful that s/he has any recollection.

And if you believe the pandemic was such a major “ACE” for an entire generation what does that say about the fragile nature of these kids?

Say more about how you know nothing about child and adolescent development

Say more about how you’re over Estonia the subject but have no real experience!

[Anonymous]

^ sorry that should be over educated!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, did the young man get his blue book?

OP here and I just checked back on the post. No, the parents did not rally to help in this situation. Lots of complaining that the book store doesn’t open until 9:00 am, even during exams, though. As though that affects parents personally.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:How dare these kids be kids with caring parents.

LOL no. They're deranged.

They are not deranged and it’s not “horrifying.” For coming down on drama queens parents you and others certainly are ones yourself. So stop with the hyperbole.

At worst the parents are anxious. So show some grace for once and scroll by. It’s not that hard to myofb.

So, you’re posting on your kid’s school’s parent page about your every anxiety over your kid’s dumb mistakes ? Yes, people think you’re deranged.

Have some empathy and keep in mind that some parents never attended college, their kid might be the first to attend in either family (included extended families). So what seems an unusual question to us (DCUMland with 2 parents with advanced degrees) is not to someone from that very different background.

OP here. I assure you that is not the case in this situation. These parents are the very picture of privilege and status education.