College Parent Pages/ Helicopter Parenting

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My kid is a Freshmen in college. I have never had Facebook. I don't follow any of that. I do see the general university webpage on Insta--and announcements there.

I never checked my kids' Canvas school sites since the first year in MS. They were independent. HS----they showed up and came home and all was good. They are completely independent.

I was turned off on the tour for our state school which was filled with NoVA parents and the truly idiotic over-bearing questions. Kid is at a school that draws from all over, including Internationally, and the times we have had move-in, parent orientation, school tour and gone to visit the parents seem very chill and hands-off. fwiw, it's ivy so don't know if it is the independence these kids have to make it there.

that's great, but not all kids are mature enough to be independent in HS.

I have two kids: one is like what you describe, the other is not. Both were late bloomers, but personality has a lot to do with it.

Most 18 yr olds are not very mature. I was at 18. I did everything myself, but that was because I had to since my parents didn't speak any English, and I was first gen. I had zero support and help navigating the college process and within college (large state school). It would've been helpful if I had some support. Sure, it made me super independent, but it also made me anxious and stressed. I'm glad I can be there for my kids. That's not to say that I am a helicopter or a snow plow parent, but I will make sure that they are aware of important things and are able to handle issues, though I don't post it on FB.

A lot is how they are raised. Both my sons are like pps. Their elementary school principal was fantastic for making sure kids were independent by teaching study skills, time management and the use of canvas on their own. She seemed harsh at the time, but it worked. As parents we would initially check canvas but in middle school when we saw they were doing it we only checked if there was a lower grade, etc so that by HS we didn’t need to.

We taught independence and self-advocacy with sports coaches and teachers at the sane time. We weren’t the one approaching them with issues. We coached our kids to go to them when they needed help, didn’t understand something or a coach if they wanted to know why they weren’t getting playing time- what to work on, etc. Now this meant they often got screwed over by the kids whose parents did get up in the coach’s faces or brown-nosed, donated, etc., but it taught my kids serious grit. They failed (often not due to actual merit) and they dusted themselves off and found another team, worked harder, etc. We let them know bosses will be like future teachers and coaches—some will absolutely suck and some will be great, etc.

The high school we sent them to was college prep—wanted hands off. Parents had no access to canvas our kids learned the metro, etc.

My college freshmen navigated a surgery, a crazy sports situation, public transportation, zipcars, new phone when broken on his own. He is doing study abroad fall of sophomore year.

Yes- certain kids have disabilities or learning issues and this wouldn’t have worked—but a vast majority have parents that did way too much for them and expected to little competency or self-advocacy from them. When my kids complained—we’d ask “what can you do about it”. I taught a lot of failure opens the door for something better, next level—it’s good it happened—and they certainly have seen that play out. Dust yourself off, dig in or redirect. If you want it, don’t half-@ss it and then complain afterwards.

But, gddamn, if your kid isn’t figuring things out by college —and you need to be like some of those Facebook parents…yikes

eh.. I raised both my kids the same way, but the younger one is less mature than the older at the same age. We have to stay on top of them more because of how scattered they are. They also have some mental health issues -- some anxiety and depression. We tell them to check their grades/assignments all the time (HSer) but we also verify every so often and get on them to raise their grades if we see them sliding. They just don't care about their grades as much. Too "in the moment" unlike my older kid who was a straight A student all throughout their schooling including as a senior in college. I never had to check their grades, ever. They care more about their grades than I do. But, I did have to get on them during college apps time.

These kids have to do a lot more than I ever did in HS or college. So, I don't blame kids now a days for being more anxious and having more mental health issues.
That said, it's even more important for parents to teach them to navigate their own issues when they are older, but also be their support system.

I have an organized college kid that needs virtually no oversight, but I am realistic enough to know that it’s probably 20% my parenting and 80% his personality.

Bingo! I recall having friends who didn't get this when kids were Toddlers/ES aged. They had an easy going, rule follower, "people pleaser" kid. So they didnt' understand that others could have a kid who wouldn't just follow the rules when you say "if you don't do X we will have to leave FunPlace Y now". Their first kid always followed the rules.
Hint: I had a kid who would kick and scream as I dragged them out of "fun place Y" when they chose to not follow the rules, and would laugh about the incident and still not follow the rules the next time we were in the same situation.

When that friend had kid #2 and got a full energy, screamer who pushed the limits constantly, they finally began to understand (but I will admit, it was hilarious to watch them go thru it after they were so judgmental of me and others with "challenging kids")

Btw, my 2nd was my easy kid. Talked at 12 months in full paragraphs, could entertain themselves for 1-2 hours at same age (without destroying the house---normally it was just drawing on paper or reading books for 2 hours, yes 2 hours at 12-15 months). And if they'd been my first, I would likely have also thought I was doing something wrong when my other came along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think the pandemic really hurt my kids. I was so worried about their mental health I became a lot less strict and started doing much more for them. Despite being great students, they are not as independent as they should be, and rely on me WAY too much. It's stressful and not something I'd like to continue, but the stakes feel so high.

My kids were 12 and 15 when the pandemic hit. I made them take on more responsibility at home because they weren't doing much since all the activities were cancelled, and they had zero HW.

Good job! Kids who handled Covid well tended to have parents who took the whole thing in stride with some real perspective. Like, staying home and masking when you have to go out is not harmful to anyone. It's a small price to pay, you could be a doctor or grocery store worker or someone who had to go to physical work and were constantly exposed to Covid yet still had to work, and then you had to go home and worry you were going to get your entire family sick as well.
Being told to do remote school and not attend parties for a year or two is not something that should change your kid's life if they have perceptive.
We have friends in Italy, who watched everything around them crumble and the tiny towns are still struggling 5 years later (I've been---it's completely changed like nothing Iv'e seen in the USA)

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:How dare these kids be kids with caring parents.

LOL no. They're deranged.

They are not deranged and it’s not “horrifying.” For coming down on drama queens parents you and others certainly are ones yourself. So stop with the hyperbole.

At worst the parents are anxious. So show some grace for once and scroll by. It’s not that hard to myofb.

So, you’re posting on your kid’s school’s parent page about your every anxiety over your kid’s dumb mistakes ? Yes, people think you’re deranged.

Have some empathy and keep in mind that some parents never attended college, their kid might be the first to attend in either family (included extended families). So what seems an unusual question to us (DCUMland with 2 parents with advanced degrees) is not to someone from that very different background.

OP here. I assure you that is not the case in this situation. These parents are the very picture of privilege and status education.

Oh, I get that is not the case for the OP (Blue book) that does sound like a privileged spoiled brat.
My comment was for in general on parents pages, I personally know some who are asking questions that seem "stupid" to most of us, because we are a college educated family with both parents having advanced degrees and plenty of resources to get what our kids need/want. But sometimes the first gen parents truly don't know a lot of this stuff and it's important in those cases to keep perspective

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How dare these kids be kids with caring parents.

LOL no. They're deranged.

They are not deranged and it’s not “horrifying.” For coming down on drama queens parents you and others certainly are ones yourself. So stop with the hyperbole.

At worst the parents are anxious. So show some grace for once and scroll by. It’s not that hard to myofb.

So, you’re posting on your kid’s school’s parent page about your every anxiety over your kid’s dumb mistakes ? Yes, people think you’re deranged.

Have some empathy and keep in mind that some parents never attended college, their kid might be the first to attend in either family (included extended families). So what seems an unusual question to us (DCUMland with 2 parents with advanced degrees) is not to someone from that very different background.

OP here. I assure you that is not the case in this situation. These parents are the very picture of privilege and status education.

Oh, I get that is not the case for the OP (Blue book) that does sound like a privileged spoiled brat.
My comment was for in general on parents pages, I personally know some who are asking questions that seem "stupid" to most of us, because we are a college educated family with both parents having advanced degrees and plenty of resources to get what our kids need/want. But sometimes the first gen parents truly don't know a lot of this stuff and it's important in those cases to keep perspective

You can easily spot the helicopter crazies