I married money and regret it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't said anything that lets us offer helpful feedback.

What responsibility are you shouldering? How big a paycheck? What access do you have to the money he makes? ARE you expecting too much? Can't say without knowing what you expect.

He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

Now try doing all that, but with a mentally disturbed, underemployed husband whom you don't really want to divorce because he yells at the kids, but since he looks great on paper, he'd still get partial custody, and it would traumatize the kids if you weren't there to defend them. BTDT.

And please don't whine about the division of labor. You can afford to outsource.

I won’t because that’s not my life. It’s not my fault you chose poorly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:keep the job, keep the kids in school. enroll the infant when you feel comfortable.

like everyone is saying, outsource, outsource, outsource

is there ever a time when the kids are at care and you arent at work? bc i think you might benefit from getting back in touch with you and the things you like to do. yoga? pilates? gardening? volunteering?

do you and DH ever get out for date night? maybe you also need some one on one time with your spouse, doing things you both enjoy doing, friendship, etc...

i think maybe this is just a phase bc your kids are young. give it some time! your DH sounds like a great provider, no need to throw the baby out with the bathwater

No. The kids are with me when I’m not working. We only have a nanny for when I work.

We do go on date nights but it’s on me to make reservations and book a sitter.

[Anonymous]

This all sounds normal to me. That’s why there are so many threads about how to find a house manager. You can get groceries delivered. Hire the nanny for more hours so you so you have more time for family admin work. Buy prepackaged dinners/take out more often. And cut down your work hours. Otherwise, it’s all the same drudgery for everyone with young kids regardless of wealth (unless you are not raising your children at all).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a bad troll. Nobody on DCUM thinks a salaried person making 400K-500K per year is "marrying money."

lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This all sounds normal to me. That’s why there are so many threads about how to find a house manager. You can get groceries delivered. Hire the nanny for more hours so you so you have more time for family admin work. Buy prepackaged dinners/take out more often. And cut down your work hours. Otherwise, it’s all the same drudgery for everyone with young kids regardless of wealth (unless you are not raising your children at all).

I don’t want the nanny for more hours. I want to raise my kids and enjoy that time together. I do want to outsource more but I don’t know where.

Health and feeding our kids well balanced meals is important. We don’t do prepackaged meals and only order takeout every so often. I like to cook healthy meals and control the nutrition and ingredients.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like our family. Pretty similar.

What are you having trouble with, exactly? Just hire help.

And definitely keep the part time job.

I’m tired from the day to day and raising two very young kids - one who is still a young infant. It’s the menial repeat tasks like packing a lunch and snacks, laundry, constant surface level cleaning, making all appointments for kids, managing all the outsourcing, managing all the childcare, cooking 2-3 meals a day, doing all the grocery.

We have cleaners, a nanny for when I work, and outsource yard work. There isn’t really much else to outsource.

My husband is great with the kids but doesn’t help out with any cleaning or above tasks. He just sits down to relax while I do the cleaning up after we put the kids to bed.

That’s the season of life you are in, op. Having little kids is hard. They are a lot of work. It does get easier. But for now, there’s a lot of drudgery. Balanced by sweetness - the littles are cute for a reason, it helps you get through the times.

It will get better.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

What’s active about his fathering? He does the fun stuff while you do all the grunt work?

He is up in the morning with us. He helps get the kids ready. He is active when he’s at home. He helps put the kids to bed. He doesn’t help clean up, schedule appointments, or do the bulk of making parenting decisions.

I think most fathers are like him. Minus getting kids ready, and minus putting them to bed. So basically, most dads do almost nothing except take out the trash, do some runs to a store or a game here and there, and if real lucky, doing occasional plates only but no pots.

No, most fathers are very involved but high income usually means working a lot and its a compromise.

You must not read this forum very often if you think that’s true.

You must think this forum is true.


Start a topic .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a bad troll. Nobody on DCUM thinks a salaried person making 400K-500K per year is "marrying money."

Yes, of course they do.

Marrying someone who makes half a million dollars a year is marrying financial stability -- and the ability to send kids to private school, have a really nice house, and spend pretty much whatever you want on things like travel, home decor, clothes, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a bad troll. Nobody on DCUM thinks a salaried person making 400K-500K per year is "marrying money."

I’m the op and I’m not a troll. 400-500k is wealthy in most areas of the U.S. even DC average income is 75k.

I married money because I married a man who made a high enough salary to support a family on one income. 400-500k income to me is having money.

Ignore that PP. That much income is "having money" to anyone in the U.S.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't said anything that lets us offer helpful feedback.

What responsibility are you shouldering? How big a paycheck? What access do you have to the money he makes? ARE you expecting too much? Can't say without knowing what you expect.

He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

He's not wrong. Quit your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

What’s active about his fathering? He does the fun stuff while you do all the grunt work?

He is up in the morning with us. He helps get the kids ready. He is active when he’s at home. He helps put the kids to bed. He doesn’t help clean up, schedule appointments, or do the bulk of making parenting decisions.

This is like 75% of the husbands out there. Money or no money. Be happy you have the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a bad troll. Nobody on DCUM thinks a salaried person making 400K-500K per year is "marrying money."

I do. That's tough money to hire everything in your house out. With an HHI of $200K, DH and I are still able to hire a cleaner and landscaper and pay for childcare, we also order out at least twice a week. With an extra $200K, I would have our cleaner come twice a week, hire out our laundry, and pay for one of those home maintenance services.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You haven't said anything that lets us offer helpful feedback.

What responsibility are you shouldering? How big a paycheck? What access do you have to the money he makes? ARE you expecting too much? Can't say without knowing what you expect.

He is an active father but sucks at anything house related. I do all the shopping, cooking, managing outsourcing crews, 95% of the childcare, scheduling/taking kids to appointments, handling childcare.

I work part time making 60k. He works full time and makes 400-500k a year.

I have full access to our money.

I just want him to step up more with the household labor. He has said he is busy working to support our family to give me the ability to stay home.

I'm sorry, but I think it sounds fair. If it's too much, I would outsource some things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This all sounds normal to me. That’s why there are so many threads about how to find a house manager. You can get groceries delivered. Hire the nanny for more hours so you so you have more time for family admin work. Buy prepackaged dinners/take out more often. And cut down your work hours. Otherwise, it’s all the same drudgery for everyone with young kids regardless of wealth (unless you are not raising your children at all).

I don’t want the nanny for more hours. I want to raise my kids and enjoy that time together. I do want to outsource more but I don’t know where.

Health and feeding our kids well balanced meals is important. We don’t do prepackaged meals and only order takeout every so often. I like to cook healthy meals and control the nutrition and ingredients.

Sounds like you’re living your best life and doing all this shit yourself because you want to. So what exactly are you complaining about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like our family. Pretty similar.

What are you having trouble with, exactly? Just hire help.

And definitely keep the part time job.

I’m tired from the day to day and raising two very young kids - one who is still a young infant. It’s the menial repeat tasks like packing a lunch and snacks, laundry, constant surface level cleaning, making all appointments for kids, managing all the outsourcing, managing all the childcare, cooking 2-3 meals a day, doing all the grocery.

We have cleaners, a nanny for when I work, and outsource yard work. There isn’t really much else to outsource.

My husband is great with the kids but doesn’t help out with any cleaning or above tasks. He just sits down to relax while I do the cleaning up after we put the kids to bed.

So he treats you like the maid.

So get a maid.

Or figure out which stuff bothers you most and talk to him. A lot of this you have to accept is your job -- he's not going to start tracking the kids shoe sizes or become the contact person for school. He's just not. But he should help clean up the kitchen after dinner. He can help lighten the load on keeping the house clean by cleaning up after himself and doing basic cleanup after the kids (say, working with your older kid to pick up toys while you get the baby ready for bed). Talk to him about how your family time can go more smoothly and be less stressful if you work as a team during those times. Suggest that some of these activities won't really feel like "work" if you go them together as a family because it's really more about being a functional family and setting good examples for kids.