Why do teens start hating their loving parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm dealing with this issue with my daughter right now. While in all other respects, she seems like a good, polite teen, she is terrible when it comes to her family. It's like she is disgusted to be around us. Yet, when I see her interact with ANYONE else (outside the family), she is as sweet as can be. Her younger sister is so uncomfortable around her that she hides in her room whenever her sister comes home. Hopefully, this phase will not last long.

How much time does she spend on social media? What kind of social media is she using? Does she read books? Who are her friends? Are they nice or do they have chips on their shoulders? Is she living amongst entitled people?

Parents have to work hard to guard against narcissism and self absorption. Kids who spend time on social media OR who are around friends who spend time on SM have shifts in their personalities.

[Anonymous]

i have 18.5 year old girl/boy twins (early November birthdays).
They can be quite grumpy and mean. It started about 6 months ago.

I think it's hard for kids who are on the older end of the birth range to be home with parents post age 18. And at the same time they're probably pretty anxious about leaving for college within 4 months and all the change this will bring (although they'd never admit it and may not even know what they're really feeling..)

They don't hate us and we still have a lot of awesome moments but there is frequent tension and occasional conflict. The good news is that we are all ready for them to head to college. It feels really good to be ready for the new stage!!! We will miss them but we 100% know it is time for the next stage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm dealing with this issue with my daughter right now. While in all other respects, she seems like a good, polite teen, she is terrible when it comes to her family. It's like she is disgusted to be around us. Yet, when I see her interact with ANYONE else (outside the family), she is as sweet as can be. Her younger sister is so uncomfortable around her that she hides in her room whenever her sister comes home. Hopefully, this phase will not last long.

How much time does she spend on social media? What kind of social media is she using? Does she read books? Who are her friends? Are they nice or do they have chips on their shoulders? Is she living amongst entitled people?

Parents have to work hard to guard against narcissism and self absorption. Kids who spend time on social media OR who are around friends who spend time on SM have shifts in their personalities.

Yeah, this never happened with earlier generations.

[Anonymous]

My 2 kids are both in college now, newly out of the teen phase of life. I never got the impression that either of them hated us, and they were pretty rarely rude, but somewhere between about ages 13-15 both became noticeably distant & reserved. A bit of pulling away in order to establish independence, I guess.

[Anonymous]

This is an area that I'm definitely struggling with. I thought that I was a supportive parent and I never really pushed my child in any direction (in terms of career, school, interests). Whatever she was interested, my husband and I supported. We set reasonable boundaries and expectations (curfew, speech, chores). We actually thought she was a pretty good kid and fairly successful (socially and academically). But it was like a switch went off and one day, she just kind of snapped and said that she hated us and we have been living in teen hell ever since (going on 1.5 years).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is an area that I'm definitely struggling with. I thought that I was a supportive parent and I never really pushed my child in any direction (in terms of career, school, interests). Whatever she was interested, my husband and I supported. We set reasonable boundaries and expectations (curfew, speech, chores). We actually thought she was a pretty good kid and fairly successful (socially and academically). But it was like a switch went off and one day, she just kind of snapped and said that she hated us and we have been living in teen hell ever since (going on 1.5 years).

How old is she? Have you changed how you deal with her in response to her new attitude?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never experienced this from my own kids (3 boys) at all. I don't know why but I feel lucky.

I was definitely this way towards my dad in my teens and into my 20s. It was due to feeling controlled and judged by him. I am sure I was oversensitive to some extent but he also had little filter. He has gotten so much better about this as he is older and I also can let things slide much better. I am the oldest of 3 girls. My youngest sister was similar with my dad.

We never had issues with our moms. She was/is perfect.

I was the same way. I had divorced, emotionally immature parents who were very judgmental but didn't actually have the tools to be supportive of give real guidance. I was very depressed after experiencing a significant trauma that went unaddressed. They both remarried and in hindsight I feel like they prioritized their new spouses over their kids. My brother is 5 years younger and has a slightly better relationship with them. Now that I am older and the parent of a teen I can see how life was hard for both of my parents and I feel empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never experienced this from my own kids (3 boys) at all. I don't know why but I feel lucky.

I was definitely this way towards my dad in my teens and into my 20s. It was due to feeling controlled and judged by him. I am sure I was oversensitive to some extent but he also had little filter. He has gotten so much better about this as he is older and I also can let things slide much better. I am the oldest of 3 girls. My youngest sister was similar with my dad.

We never had issues with our moms. She was/is perfect.

I was the same way. I had divorced, emotionally immature parents who were very judgmental but didn't actually have the tools to be supportive of give real guidance. I was very depressed after experiencing a significant trauma that went unaddressed. They both remarried and in hindsight I feel like they prioritized their new spouses over their kids. My brother is 5 years younger and has a slightly better relationship with them. Now that I am older and the parent of a teen I can see how life was hard for both of my parents and I feel empathy.

Your whole paragraph was dripping with contempt and blame and disgust, and you end with a perfunctory "I feel empathy".

This is why it is clear that people who go around saying "I am an empath!" "Be kind" "I feel empathy" do not do any of these things because it is not instinctual to them like the rest of us. They have to try really really hard at these things but it is so so hard because everyone is so awful, but they are trying!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never experienced this from my own kids (3 boys) at all. I don't know why but I feel lucky.

I was definitely this way towards my dad in my teens and into my 20s. It was due to feeling controlled and judged by him. I am sure I was oversensitive to some extent but he also had little filter. He has gotten so much better about this as he is older and I also can let things slide much better. I am the oldest of 3 girls. My youngest sister was similar with my dad.

We never had issues with our moms. She was/is perfect.

I was the same way. I had divorced, emotionally immature parents who were very judgmental but didn't actually have the tools to be supportive of give real guidance. I was very depressed after experiencing a significant trauma that went unaddressed. They both remarried and in hindsight I feel like they prioritized their new spouses over their kids. My brother is 5 years younger and has a slightly better relationship with them. Now that I am older and the parent of a teen I can see how life was hard for both of my parents and I feel empathy.

Your whole paragraph was dripping with contempt and blame and disgust, and you end with a perfunctory "I feel empathy".

This is why it is clear that people who go around saying "I am an empath!" "Be kind" "I feel empathy" do not do any of these things because it is not instinctual to them like the rest of us. They have to try really really hard at these things but it is so so hard because everyone is so awful, but they are trying!!

DP
I don't see the connection between those two posts. She is saying as a parent she understands more and feels empathy. She didn't claim to be an empath and it's certainly not instinctual for a teen to understand why their parents might be separating and devoting more time to new partners over their kids, unless they were some super...empath.

[Anonymous]

My son was easy from birth through 17. Seriously, even my labor and delivery was easy. When everyone was talking about the terrible 2s or 3s - I couldn't relate. I even thought that I made it through the teen years fine. All of sudden, around 18, he became nasty and disrespectful to everyone. I don't know what happened. Nothing happened at home and I am not aware of any issues at school or his personal life (though he doesn't share much with me). Despite his incredible rudeness, I still try to show him kindness. Though for some reason my kindness seems to upset him as well (like getting him a birthday gift). It seems that my mere existence/presence bothers him. Ugh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never experienced this from my own kids (3 boys) at all. I don't know why but I feel lucky.

I was definitely this way towards my dad in my teens and into my 20s. It was due to feeling controlled and judged by him. I am sure I was oversensitive to some extent but he also had little filter. He has gotten so much better about this as he is older and I also can let things slide much better. I am the oldest of 3 girls. My youngest sister was similar with my dad.

We never had issues with our moms. She was/is perfect.

I was the same way. I had divorced, emotionally immature parents who were very judgmental but didn't actually have the tools to be supportive of give real guidance. I was very depressed after experiencing a significant trauma that went unaddressed. They both remarried and in hindsight I feel like they prioritized their new spouses over their kids. My brother is 5 years younger and has a slightly better relationship with them. Now that I am older and the parent of a teen I can see how life was hard for both of my parents and I feel empathy.

Your whole paragraph was dripping with contempt and blame and disgust, and you end with a perfunctory "I feel empathy".

This is why it is clear that people who go around saying "I am an empath!" "Be kind" "I feel empathy" do not do any of these things because it is not instinctual to them like the rest of us. They have to try really really hard at these things but it is so so hard because everyone is so awful, but they are trying!!

DP
I don't see the connection between those two posts. She is saying as a parent she understands more and feels empathy. She didn't claim to be an empath and it's certainly not instinctual for a teen to understand why their parents might be separating and devoting more time to new partners over their kids, unless they were some super...empath.

+1 - I didn't see the connection either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never experienced this from my own kids (3 boys) at all. I don't know why but I feel lucky.

I was definitely this way towards my dad in my teens and into my 20s. It was due to feeling controlled and judged by him. I am sure I was oversensitive to some extent but he also had little filter. He has gotten so much better about this as he is older and I also can let things slide much better. I am the oldest of 3 girls. My youngest sister was similar with my dad.

We never had issues with our moms. She was/is perfect.

I was the same way. I had divorced, emotionally immature parents who were very judgmental but didn't actually have the tools to be supportive of give real guidance. I was very depressed after experiencing a significant trauma that went unaddressed. They both remarried and in hindsight I feel like they prioritized their new spouses over their kids. My brother is 5 years younger and has a slightly better relationship with them. Now that I am older and the parent of a teen I can see how life was hard for both of my parents and I feel empathy.

Your whole paragraph was dripping with contempt and blame and disgust, and you end with a perfunctory "I feel empathy".

This is why it is clear that people who go around saying "I am an empath!" "Be kind" "I feel empathy" do not do any of these things because it is not instinctual to them like the rest of us. They have to try really really hard at these things but it is so so hard because everyone is so awful, but they are trying!!

DP
I don't see the connection between those two posts. She is saying as a parent she understands more and feels empathy. She didn't claim to be an empath and it's certainly not instinctual for a teen to understand why their parents might be separating and devoting more time to new partners over their kids, unless they were some super...empath.

Ok, "don't see it" then...🤷‍♀️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never experienced this from my own kids (3 boys) at all. I don't know why but I feel lucky.

I was definitely this way towards my dad in my teens and into my 20s. It was due to feeling controlled and judged by him. I am sure I was oversensitive to some extent but he also had little filter. He has gotten so much better about this as he is older and I also can let things slide much better. I am the oldest of 3 girls. My youngest sister was similar with my dad.

We never had issues with our moms. She was/is perfect.

I was the same way. I had divorced, emotionally immature parents who were very judgmental but didn't actually have the tools to be supportive of give real guidance. I was very depressed after experiencing a significant trauma that went unaddressed. They both remarried and in hindsight I feel like they prioritized their new spouses over their kids. My brother is 5 years younger and has a slightly better relationship with them. Now that I am older and the parent of a teen I can see how life was hard for both of my parents and I feel empathy.

Your whole paragraph was dripping with contempt and blame and disgust, and you end with a perfunctory "I feel empathy".

This is why it is clear that people who go around saying "I am an empath!" "Be kind" "I feel empathy" do not do any of these things because it is not instinctual to them like the rest of us. They have to try really really hard at these things but it is so so hard because everyone is so awful, but they are trying!!

DP
I don't see the connection between those two posts. She is saying as a parent she understands more and feels empathy. She didn't claim to be an empath and it's certainly not instinctual for a teen to understand why their parents might be separating and devoting more time to new partners over their kids, unless they were some super...empath.

Thank you for your understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never experienced this from my own kids (3 boys) at all. I don't know why but I feel lucky.

I was definitely this way towards my dad in my teens and into my 20s. It was due to feeling controlled and judged by him. I am sure I was oversensitive to some extent but he also had little filter. He has gotten so much better about this as he is older and I also can let things slide much better. I am the oldest of 3 girls. My youngest sister was similar with my dad.

We never had issues with our moms. She was/is perfect.

I was the same way. I had divorced, emotionally immature parents who were very judgmental but didn't actually have the tools to be supportive of give real guidance. I was very depressed after experiencing a significant trauma that went unaddressed. They both remarried and in hindsight I feel like they prioritized their new spouses over their kids. My brother is 5 years younger and has a slightly better relationship with them. Now that I am older and the parent of a teen I can see how life was hard for both of my parents and I feel empathy.

Your whole paragraph was dripping with contempt and blame and disgust, and you end with a perfunctory "I feel empathy".

This is why it is clear that people who go around saying "I am an empath!" "Be kind" "I feel empathy" do not do any of these things because it is not instinctual to them like the rest of us. They have to try really really hard at these things but it is so so hard because everyone is so awful, but they are trying!!

DP
I don't see the connection between those two posts. She is saying as a parent she understands more and feels empathy. She didn't claim to be an empath and it's certainly not instinctual for a teen to understand why their parents might be separating and devoting more time to new partners over their kids, unless they were some super...empath.

+1 - I didn't see the connection either.

I did not make my real point clear which is that sometimes parents can hurt their kids in unintentional ways that causes this reaction . What does not seem like a huge deal to parents sometimes feels very big to kids causing them to act out in this way. My hope was that parents struggling with this would see that, and also that hope is not lost, when your kids grow up they may have the ability to reflect back with empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never experienced this from my own kids (3 boys) at all. I don't know why but I feel lucky.

I was definitely this way towards my dad in my teens and into my 20s. It was due to feeling controlled and judged by him. I am sure I was oversensitive to some extent but he also had little filter. He has gotten so much better about this as he is older and I also can let things slide much better. I am the oldest of 3 girls. My youngest sister was similar with my dad.

We never had issues with our moms. She was/is perfect.

I was the same way. I had divorced, emotionally immature parents who were very judgmental but didn't actually have the tools to be supportive of give real guidance. I was very depressed after experiencing a significant trauma that went unaddressed. They both remarried and in hindsight I feel like they prioritized their new spouses over their kids. My brother is 5 years younger and has a slightly better relationship with them. Now that I am older and the parent of a teen I can see how life was hard for both of my parents and I feel empathy.

My parents never divorced but I relate so much to what you say here. Just emotionally immature parents who were very focused on themselves and their own issues and didn't really do any guiding or supporting during the tween/teen years. They were incredibly judgmental and once I was 8 or 9, seemed to decide they were done parenting and they just criticized.

When I was a senior in high school, my mom seemed to realize that her relationship with me was totally broken and tried to make amends. I resented that even more because at that point years had gone by where I'd just felt totally ignored or judged and had not felt loved at all. I could not accept what she offered, and she also basically didn't know me as a person at all so her efforts often hit the wrong note. She'd bring up the one thing I felt most insecure or self-conscious about and be surprised when I had a strong defensive reaction, for instance.

30 years later, I can have some empathy for my mom making those efforts and not getting far with me -- that must have been hard for her and she must have just been baffled because she really was trying and I was not receptive at all. But she was also conveniently forgetting a whole host of things she'd said and done to me over the previous years, just deeply cutting and mean things, being very condescending and dismissive, refusing to help even when I approached and asked kindly. Even now she doesn't really remember that. She was going through a hard time in her life and taking it out on me but it was not conscious for her and while those are formative memories for me, she didn't retain them.

Parenting is hard. You have to work at it all the way through. And if you make deep mistakes, the only way to truly repair them is if you are self aware and can really take responsibility for it. If my mom had come to me and said "look, I know I haven't been there for you in recent years and I'm sorry, but I really want to be there for you now" the ice would have thawed. But that's the level of awareness it would have taken. And she truthfully just didn't have the skills for it.