Why do teens start hating their loving parents?

[Anonymous]

Especially within a healthy and loving environment (in that there is no physical, sexual, or mental abuse and no drugs, neglect, poverty, abandonment, or even divorce), why do some teens start to despise their parents? I don't mean the common conflict about parents being strict (i.e. curfew or not letting their kids go to a party), but where they just seem mean and have a hatred for the parents. I've experienced this with my 17 year old and I know at least 2 people who have 18 years old that are currently experiencing this behavior. When I was a teen, my parents certainly were not perfect (no parent is), but I don't remember absolutely hating them. Even when there was conflict, I always loved them deep inside (even if I was angry at the moment). One of my friends, who has one of the 18 year olds, has been dealing with this issue for the past year and she fears that her son will never love her again. My own son (17) just ignores me and refuses to have any conversation (even ones that I thought he might be interested in like cool places to eat on our vacation). My son has friends and is doing well in school (and to my knowledge no bullying or girl issues). For those who went through this experience, how long did it last? Did your child ever explain why they acted this way?

[Anonymous]

How to you know those teens don’t love their parents deep down? Mine was a PITA from 13 and a half to 16 and a half. Then the clouds lifted and he was pretty much like a normal person again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How to you know those teens don’t love their parents deep down? Mine was a PITA from 13 and a half to 16 and a half. Then the clouds lifted and he was pretty much like a normal person again.

I guess there is no one way to know definitively; just going by what is said and seen.

[Anonymous]

My DS is only 15 but I hear that in the 17-18 range "soiling the nest" is a thing before they launch out on their own. I think my kid has started this process a little too soon. It's so hard. He's a great kid in the moments he's like his old self, and then he'll be sullen and withdraw and it makes me miss him. I hear he will come back and I hope it's soon.

[Anonymous]

My own kid was not like this and neither was I. I understand that it does happen. I would focus on basic rules of respect and consequences for not being respectful. That has to start early.

[Anonymous]

They love you deep down. You describe this truth in theory, so why would you not believe that for yourself or your friend?

[Anonymous]

There was a point in time when my DD was 17 and would not listen to a thing we would say. She'd destroy her room out of anger and physically attack us. We tried to get her help but docs said everything was good, now she's 23 graduated college (thankfully) but moved back in and is very lazy, not sure what's going on with her and we've tried to figure that out but if your teens are acting belligerent 7/10 something else is wrong.

[Anonymous]

I'm puzzled by this behavior too and a bit heartbroken. Mine won't talk and just looks at me with discuss. We used to have such a great and close relationship just a year ago.

[Anonymous]

Hormones

Stress/fear about their future, and taking it out on you

Gaining a broader understanding of the world, developing their own opinions and politics, and sometimes rejecting or even being angry at yours. As part of this, sometimes feeling lied to or misled if what they have come to believe about the world does not resemble what you have explicitly told them about the world (i.e. if you have told them "hard work pays off" and they decide at age 17 that this is clearly not true based on what they see around them or in the media, there can be resentment and anger).

The "soiling the nest" idea a PP mentioned -- they are preparing to separate and leave, that's hard, so they essentially pick fights with you to force the transition. It's dysfunctional and means they don't have better skills for expressing their fears about leaving or seeking independence from you. Or you may be clinging too hard to them so they are instigating conflict to push you away.

I do think with most of these, they still love you deep down and will come back around as that separation and independence occurs. BUT this requires you to be mature and understanding, to not take too much of what they say and do personally (literally always true with kids but especially true during stages of increased independence), and be somewhat flexible so they can see you bending and changing to to make space in your life for the adult they are becoming. If you are very rigid about your expectations, and they find they are turning into a person who can't fit within those expectations, this can become permanent or at least be very, very hard to undo once they are adults and have the option of not interacting with you or doing what you tell them to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hormones

Stress/fear about their future, and taking it out on you

Gaining a broader understanding of the world, developing their own opinions and politics, and sometimes rejecting or even being angry at yours. As part of this, sometimes feeling lied to or misled if what they have come to believe about the world does not resemble what you have explicitly told them about the world (i.e. if you have told them "hard work pays off" and they decide at age 17 that this is clearly not true based on what they see around them or in the media, there can be resentment and anger).

The "soiling the nest" idea a PP mentioned -- they are preparing to separate and leave, that's hard, so they essentially pick fights with you to force the transition. It's dysfunctional and means they don't have better skills for expressing their fears about leaving or seeking independence from you. Or you may be clinging too hard to them so they are instigating conflict to push you away.

I do think with most of these, they still love you deep down and will come back around as that separation and independence occurs. BUT this requires you to be mature and understanding, to not take too much of what they say and do personally (literally always true with kids but especially true during stages of increased independence), and be somewhat flexible so they can see you bending and changing to to make space in your life for the adult they are becoming. If you are very rigid about your expectations, and they find they are turning into a person who can't fit within those expectations, this can become permanent or at least be very, very hard to undo once they are adults and have the option of not interacting with you or doing what you tell them to do.

100% all of this. Of course it is VERY difficult when you are going through it, but in most cases it is temporary.

[Anonymous]

A phase of growing up. Spoiling the nest

[Anonymous]

I don't think people talk enough about how it feels for parents. Yes, obviously it's a phase, as the adult we have to handle it gracefully. But in every other relationship we have we are taught not to put up with dismissiveness, rudeness, conflict: we'd quit a job or complain to HR if a coworker or boss made our lives miserable every day, we'd get out of a relationship with a rude unhelpful partner, we'd cut off a friend who is always nasty to us. Here? We know that we have to strike a balance of still preserving some respect but also be calm, loving, be a rock in the phase of anxiety and change. Where does that leave us mentally and emotionally? It's really unhealthy for parents because so much sadness and frustration has to remain inside.

[Anonymous]

it's all hormones. It will get better the older they get.

[Anonymous]

Loving parents are usually controlling, some more than others. Waking them up by a set time during spring break, controlling what and when they eat, what they watch, scheduling ever aspect of their life, as though they are toddlers.

Teens are growing into adults and are bound to rebel against the system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Loving parents are usually controlling, some more than others. Waking them up by a set time during spring break, controlling what and when they eat, what they watch, scheduling ever aspect of their life, as though they are toddlers.

Teens are growing into adults and are bound to rebel against the system.

Do you know any teens? I have two and have not done any of this in many many years with them, if ever for some of your list. They still have plenty of attitude.